What not to say:

[kazine]

"At least you can drink now"

Seriously!

 

[GingerPanda]

I third this as well. My family didn't remember the first due date or anniversary of our first mc but my mil and friends did and I really appreciated their msgs of support.
I completely get that people don't know what to say. I just went into work for the first time since losing our twins at 15wks and my line manager commented that I had lost weight. I really had to bite my tongue not to reply in a nasty/sarcastic fashion.

I would have been going to jail for assault. You're a stronger woman than I am.

 

[curlykate]

Thankfully I've had lots of supportive people around me as I'm dealing with this, however I've heard a few of the most common "well, it was just not meant to be" and "maybe it's for the better." one was from my dad, who is pretty clueless when it comes to sympathy/dealing with women's emotions, and I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear.
The worst one I've had is from OH. He was asking a gazilion questions about why and I mentioned that sometimes its due to the fact that things weren't developing properly. He actually told me that he was a bit relieved that it ended if we were going to endup with a child that might not survive. I know what he meant by it (mainly he would rather go through this heartbreak than have a still born or a late term loss) but I got pretty mad at him. I felt bad because he was just being honest, which I want, but that was really hard to hear.

 

[mothermaid]

My boss was amazing and gave me the biggest hug both times, didn't need to say anything, she had tears in her eyes and just hugged me, that was more than enough. Just made myself cry thinking about it! Dammit!

 

[ttcmoon]

some one said me - miscarriage is common do not over think, just after 1 week of my miscarriage.

 

[skyesmom]

...as if the fact that it is common is some sort of a fuckin painkiller, excuse my french...!!

 

[Nina83]

some one said me - miscarriage is common do not over think, just after 1 week of my miscarriage.

This really bugs me. Miscarriage is still death.
Do not over think it?! Some people were born with not one ounce of sympathy in them (but of course those people who say those things are probably head of against animal cruelty or something, go figure)

 

[ttcmoon]

True...We are still moms. We held the baby in our womb, may be we lost it too early. How can we stop thinking? That too only in one week.

 

[Starry Night]

Dying of cancer is awfully common but we don't tell grieving family members to get over it or not to think about it. "It's common" is definitely not a source of comfort.

 

[hanni]

I was joking about with my OH the other day about this whole "steak and BJ day" (some ladies from the UK might have heard of it) and he was asking if he knew what day it was and if he was getting his (all in fun)
I turned around and said if men get that day why don't women get a back tickles and chocolate day? To which he replied, yous do, you have mothers day.
I tad bit awkward considering I've just lost our 1st.
His face when he realised what he'd just said was priceless though.

 

[Nina83]

I was joking about with my OH the other day about this whole "steak and BJ day" (some ladies from the UK might have heard of it) and he was asking if he knew what day it was and if he was getting his (all in fun)
I turned around and said if men get that day why don't women get a back tickles and chocolate day? To which he replied, yous do, you have mothers day.
I tad bit awkward considering I've just lost our 1st.
His face when he realised what he'd just said was priceless though.

Big hugs

 

[GingerPanda]

"Everything will be fine next time."

You don't know that! You said that after the FIRST miscarriage. What on Gaia's green earth makes you think that this will be comforting after the SECOND miscarriage?

 

[PrayingPixie]

To me the worst things to say to someone like us ladies who have had the reccurent mcs/mmcs are...

"It's so common, you shouldn't worry. You'll be fine!"

"Don't worry, it will happen!"

"Just give it time, it will happen!"

"You've had a baby before so you can again!"


Even when drs say it, I don't think they fully realize that that's just not helping! Even for the ones who did get lucky and have a baby or two here and there, that doesn't always mean that they can just have another! Especially people like me who are not very fertile and struggle with unexplained infertility and then recurrent mcs/mmcs on top of that! I realize they are trying to be reassuring and be kind but to me, it just doesn't help. Sigh...

 

[GingerPanda]

My mom had a miscarriage with her second pregnancy, and keeps trying to compare our situations. It sounds more like she's trying to make herself feel better about it than she is trying to help me. It's not helpful, especially when she says things like, "I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had your sister before the miscarriage!"

Erm, thanks for reminding me that I have had two miscarriages, no children, and a horrible fear that I'll never have a live birth. You're a champ, mom.

 

[Cariad_x]

I suffered my first loss a month ago after having a wee boy 9 months previously so I guess it's not really the same. But I got a few thoughtless comments, mainly:

"It's probably just as well - 2 would have been a lot to handle"
"Aren't you a little relieved as Ollie is so little?"
"Well you didn't know you were pregnant until you started to miscarry and got checked so it can't be TOO bad"
"At least you weren't far along. That makes it a bit better"

No. It f***ing hurts regardless that I lost a baby, more so because I have a LO and know the result of what can come.

 

[ThinkPositiv]

From my mom, she told me that back in the day women wouldn't have known they miscarried - it would have just been a heavier period.... So really, have I really had three miscarriages she says!?!!

Goodness.

And the last one was, well maybe u were meant to have a bigger age gap between your kids!

Thanks

 

[Starry Night]

I suffered my first loss a month ago after having a wee boy 9 months previously so I guess it's not really the same. But I got a few thoughtless comments, mainly:

"It's probably just as well - 2 would have been a lot to handle"
"Aren't you a little relieved as Ollie is so little?"
"Well you didn't know you were pregnant until you started to miscarry and got checked so it can't be TOO bad"
"At least you weren't far along. That makes it a bit better"

No. It f***ing hurts regardless that I lost a baby, more so because I have a LO and know the result of what can come.

Those were really cruel things to say. I'm so sorry.

 

[Nina83]

I suffered my first loss a month ago after having a wee boy 9 months previously so I guess it's not really the same. But I got a few thoughtless comments, mainly:

"It's probably just as well - 2 would have been a lot to handle"
"Aren't you a little relieved as Ollie is so little?"
"Well you didn't know you were pregnant until you started to miscarry and got checked so it can't be TOO bad"
"At least you weren't far along. That makes it a bit better"

No. It f***ing hurts regardless that I lost a baby, more so because I have a LO and know the result of what can come.

OMG I am so sorry people actually said that to you. How horrible some people can be.
I just want to hug all you women here, no one should ever have to hear these things!

(OT- Ollie? Oliver? That is such a beautiful name )

 

[skyesmom]

I suffered my first loss a month ago after having a wee boy 9 months previously so I guess it's not really the same. But I got a few thoughtless comments, mainly:

"It's probably just as well - 2 would have been a lot to handle"
"Aren't you a little relieved as Ollie is so little?"
"Well you didn't know you were pregnant until you started to miscarry and got checked so it can't be TOO bad"
"At least you weren't far along. That makes it a bit better"

No. It f***ing hurts regardless that I lost a baby, more so because I have a LO and know the result of what can come.

horrible things to hear. but people have no clue what they're saying unless they've been through it. and a loss is a loss, no matter after how many successful pregnancies it comes, how little or grown up your children may be, if you knew you were expecting or you didn't. and not acknowledging it can only make things worse.

two years since my second loss, i grew some thick skin but still now and then i get stung as i am really open about it (and i think people should know, so they f***ing learn)...

...for me the latest (by a well-meaning friend): "you're over 30 already, you should hurry up a bit!"

...yeah, i've lost two in my late twenties. no living children yet. i reminded her of that and she went totally pale and apologized profusely and sincerely, as it had slipped her mind (she knew about my losses but we never discussed about it profoundly, and definitely not in recent times, she's a friend but not the closest friend i have, so... i could imagine how she forgot. but i am also sure she won't come up with a similar comment to me or to anybody else).

 

[Cariad_x]

Thanks ladies. Some of them came from my friends and family which makes it worse. Although logically I know I may have struggled it was a huge blow and I was (and still am) quite upset by it.

Nina - yeah, Ollie short for Oliver Thank you - I picked it before I even knew i was pregnant because I loved it so much!