What not to say:

[ThinkPositiv]

Some people don't mean to be cruel others u gotta wonder if they were raised in a bubble or with apes.

 

[ttcmoon]

My mom had a miscarriage with her second pregnancy, and keeps trying to compare our situations. It sounds more like she's trying to make herself feel better about it than she is trying to help me. It's not helpful, especially when she says things like, "I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had your sister before the miscarriage!"

Erm, thanks for reminding me that I have had two miscarriages, no children, and a horrible fear that I'll never have a live birth. You're a champ, mom.

Oh dear!That is mean. I know she might not have meant that but she should realize with 2 MC's and no baby how you actually feel. I am on the same boat 2 MC's and no baby yet. Take care

 

[GingerPanda]

Thanks, you too.

Like I said, I think she's more interested in comforting herself than she is me. I sent her a text message a couple of weeks ago saying that I thought I was depressed, and she only sent one reply: "I'm sad too!"

 

[ttcmoon]

This sounds strange!May be its her way....

 

[hanni]

Seriously about to lose the plot.

My closest friend is 8 months pregnant. I've been fine with it, she's been a great support and i'm happy for her and excited. Havent felt any hurt by her (you know what I mean) until..
She's just sent me a photo of the massive bunch of flowers and a card her OH has bought her for Mother's day. How lovely ey!!!!

Well close friend.. F!%K you!!!

Just had to get that off my chest, sorry.

 

[chistiana]

Well I ve too had most of these nice comments during either of my 3mcs. But the greatest one is my own husband telling me today (2 days after finding out a mmc) that I am melodramatic and I like to play hurt cause this wasn't even a real baby at 7 weeks! Geeeeezzzzzz you d expect at least your husband to be supportive and share your pain but obviously not the case here!

 

[skyesmom]

Well I ve too had most of these nice comments during either of my 3mcs. But the greatest one is my own husband telling me today (2 days after finding out a mmc) that I am melodramatic and I like to play hurt cause this wasn't even a real baby at 7 weeks! Geeeeezzzzzz you d expect at least your husband to be supportive and share your pain but obviously not the case here!

not in his defense as he definitely screwed it up here... but maybe he said this out of despair as he might feel helpless.
you know, man like to fix things. that caveman gene is still working hard in them. and when they can't fix things, including their own partner, then they feel helpless and powerless and useless and it can overwhelm them to the point that they come to deny the unfixable situations and problems, like your OH did here.

i am sure he is upset and suffering, but before allowing himself to feel his own pain, the fixer inside of him is acting automatically trying to either fix you and when he fails, he panics out and pretends there is nothing to fix. i recon he doesn't want to see you crushed and crying and he can't help it. (by this i don't mean you shouldn't cry and be crushed! just that they don't know how to handle it!)

 

[chistiana]

Skyesmom wow were you here listening in on our conversation. In very few words and very much less tactfully than you did, this is how he excused himself!

 

[skyesmom]

Skyesmom wow were you here listening in on our conversation. In very few words and very much less tactfully than you did, this is how he excused himself!

omg!!! i guess having been through losses and having seen two different men completely fail to cope might have given some insight inot what is going on in their heads!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

I wish I knew what my OH thought about out losses. He never ever mentions them. He's never tried to "fix" the situations when I've fallen apart. The only time we ever discussed them was when his mother was utterly vile to me over them & he just let her. I'm sure he cares in his own way. He's just a strong silent type I think. I lost my mum a couple of weeks ago & I've not seen him cry, so he either keeps it inside or does it in private. Maybe it's the same for our angels.

Sorry I'm rambling. It's early & I can't sleep

 

[chistiana]

Broken I'm so sorry for your mum hun, I ve lost my dad n know how much the loss of a parent, whichever age, is. As for your oh, after yesterday's conversation I really put my hands up. I ll never understand these people. He kept saying he wasn't sad for losing the baby but was sad because I was sad and he knew how much I wanted it. And somehow I think he really felt it was ok to say that

 

[skyesmom]

chris, it's because he won't allow himself to feel the pain, they just block it out because it's too much for them. (and trust me, this happens because they are way more weaker then us women - that's why it's us to carry those babies and give birth in the first place!)
it hits them later, when you start to cope with it a bit and you're not as distraught or at least not showing it that obviously. for them, the emergency (real, hurting you) is gone and the dust settles and then they are able to see THEIR loss and the child they won't have. you had a baby directly inside of you, he didn't. what he has directly is you losing a baby and this strikes him first, losing the you he had known before. mourning the loss of his child comes way way later when you've already started to cope and then often they think that then it's too late for them to talk and bring it up, also not to make you sad.

and Brokenforever, a part of this may be up with your OH too. especially if he was brought up in a way where crying wasn't a boys thing and where he was obliged to "be strong" (and if your mother in law was that insensitive to you, she might as well been to him and his challenges since he was a child as well).
in their heads it's often: "if you cry, and i start crying too, then we're over, it's done, the entire ship will sink. so i have to stay strong and stay put for the sakes of us both." they don't get it that you actually WANT to see them hurt and show some real empathy and show you how they feel. they've been taught else. and also, because of that, breaking down into tears feels like dying for them. like if they allow themselves to fall apart, they'll never pick themselves up again.

there's a great article on the miscarriage association (https://www.miscarriage.ie/menandmiscarriage.html) that explains some of these processes, as well as a book by Peter Burdon called "miscarriages hurt men too". the book especially helped ME cope in those months where my OH was as cold as steel.

my heart goes out all of you girls, and i am so so sorry for all your losses

 

[chistiana]

Skyesmom- i cant thank you enough for your words. They do bribg a lot of peace and sanity in me! Thank you! It makes sense especially after what he was trying to say but couldnt yesterday. I took my kids out on a day in the town centre to see acropolis and the rest today and felt a little better and him seeing me not cry so much made him come a little closer to me. He even suggested going out for dinner tomorrow night. So we re a tiny winy little step closer to being able to talk to one another without shouting and blaming each other.

 

[skyesmom]

that is so so great to hear! and i'm glad that i could help, this forum saved my ass over the past two years and if i can give some support back i am really really happy!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Skyesmom I think you're right on the money. My OH has 2 brothers (he's the middle) and it was very dog eat dog. Nobody was close, they were still physically fighting up to him moving in with me. And he ignores his mum's behaviour because he knows after 25 years his opinion counts for nothing with her.

I know he does care, about my mum & our babies. He cried when we were told both times & I know he's cried in private, even getting out of bed in the middle of the night to do it. I just wish he'd open up & share with me

 

[Starry Night]

My DH has been very kind in letting me cry and doesn't belittle what I'm feeling but he hasn't really opened up to me much either. I saw him cry once after the first one but the others I haven't seen. He once confessed he would go to another room to cry so I couldn't see. But otherwise he doesn't speak much as he wanted to be strong for me. Kinda makes me feel like a selfish schmuck.

I did come across something on his laptop recently. It was a sort of story/journal entry about his reaction to our losses. It was very eye-opening and broke my heart a little. He still carries that pain with him.

I think our men do feel things deeply. I just wish they would understand we want them to share. By trying to fix our grief or keep themselves separate from our pain it makes us feel isolated and even more depressed.

 

[skyesmom]

100% agreed on this Starry. When shared with your partner, the weight of the grief is really another thing. i encountered the same problem with both my ex and my OH. Except for the first week, it took him a year to tell me he cared and was grieving every day. the saddest thing is that this keeping it all inside for all the wrong reasons is just damaging to both... i so so hope society will change and our sons will have more freedom to speak about their feelings of weakness, brokeness, sadness, whatever makes you "a wimp" instead of "a real man" today.

 

[dairymomma]

My DH has cried very little when we've gone through our losses, but they hit him hard too. I know this because he once told a friend that just because he doesn't cry in front of me doesn't mean he doesn't cry when he's alone and doesn't mean he doesn't hurt with me. He's also said it's hard for him to watch me going through it time and again and that's not something he can really share WITH me. Some guys just internalize things more and don't open up very much and my DH is one of them.

 

[Sparkle_13]

I would say don't tell someone they're definitely having a miscarriage unless you're a dr. My dr didn't tell me there was no hope so hearing it from someone else was really hurtful. I was still trying to cling to a little hope and hold it together until I was told by my dr that it was definite, I don't need your opinion tearing me down early.

 

[Nina83]

"At least you know there was something wrong with the baby and it didn't just "die". It's a good thing it happened when it did then."

WTF. I'm hearing this a lot lately. The only one who is allowed to say that is ME about my situation.