What not to say:

[InTheVerse]

So hurtful. So far I've isolated myself a bit so haven't heard too many but I id get:

At least you know you can get pregnant - thanks, after a good time trying and even if I can again who is to say not miscarry again
It obviously had something wrong with it - really, you know that? Because the doctors haven't said anything and the horribly acronym POC which were my baby were sent for analysis. I'm pretty sure there are other possibilities too. Plus really, thinking there was something wrong doesn't help with the hurt.
At least you weren't further along - thanks for reminding me, I'm not so stupid I don't know that every extra day I was pregnant wouldn't have added to my grief but that doesn't make this pain any less.
You really were stressing a lot - really? I remember you saying that when I was trying to get pregnant- just 'relax'. Really kind of implies maybe my stressing did something.

I should add to that that when you ring your friend/family member and she tries to talk to you about it, don't start comparing how much worse other people have had it and not letting her talk about the baby- making it all about yourself or others. If you can't face hearing it, better to say so and if you don't know the words just say 'I'm so sorry for your loss, I really don't know what to say, do you want to talk about it?'

I'm dreading what other comments I'll get. Thankfully most people have been great, they just don't know what to say or accidentally hurt but sometimes you want to shake some.

 

[InTheVerse]

I've only read three pages back and seriously some people really are shits. It's insensitive and hurtful enough when it's said by people trying to say the right thing who care about you but to disbelieve a miscarriage, to say someone is collecting them and joke about it, to say someone wasn't really pregnant (in their opinion) anyway...there are some really unpleasant individuals. Or ignorant ones.

 

[mad4babies]

I went to my GP today for help and support after my 3rd miscarriage and was told (I am 40) that "we are all getting older and it happens" and "if you have another miscarriage at least you have your other children!". I will never go for medical help/support again. It took me months to ask for help but I think that the only people that understand are the people are unfortunate enough to have gone through this themselves.

 

[ItsAWonder]

This is my 4th loss. My boss, who is usually a great guy, didn't know what to say. To lighten the mood (I assume) he said, "well, you've been through this before, it isn't your first rodeo". Like it's not so bad since it's not the first time. Really!? If you mom died and now your dad is dying should I say to you "you've been through this before so I guess it's not so bad this time around"????

 

[chistiana]

Wow what a lame insensitive comment even if he was trying to lighten the mood...seriously???

 

[joo]

If I hear "there was probably something wrong with the baby" and "if it survived it may have had severe disabilities" again I will SCREAM (in to my pillow at night, although in their face would feel better)!!!

Slightly off topic, but how not to behave around someone going through a MC:
I am staying at my in laws while we're going through this so MIL can help look.after my 2 year old and my partner can still go to work. She is just telling anyone she wants - I'm not expecting her to not tell anyone, after all we've moved in for the week and disrupted their day to day routine, it'd be pretty hard to not say anything. But the phone rings.and she talks in hushed voice while rushing in to another room. I CAN HEAR YOU!! It makes me pretty uncomfortable and feels.like a great big secret. She doesn't tell me she told anyone and people then pretend they don't know, which is awkward for everyone - like, I know you know!!

I tried to bring it up, saying I really don't mind people knowing, (after she'd just said she hasn't told anybody) it's not a dirty secret, but people don't need to be so secretive as it's really not helping. I said I know she has told this person and that person (cue lots of backtracking on her part) and she doesn't have to rush to another room when they call. Why not just let us know she has mentioned it to So and So, that way people don't have to pretend they don't know, and if So and So.does happen to bring it up then I'm not completely off guard thinking they didn't know! Or may be they could text my partner or me to ask how the hospital appointment went rather than calling MIL (while they all think we don't know that they know!) to see how it went and then continuing to pretend to not know!!

Oh my goodness that turned in to an almighty rant! But while I am emotional.and hormonal, and not very diplomatic with my choice of words at best, I fear I would just come across as an ungrateful shit while we are being looked after so well otherwise!

 

[chistiana]

Joo i m sorry you re going through this girl, it really really sucks. As for your mil, I m sure she's doing it to not make you feel any worse by reminding you but I definitely know how frustrating it can be. Hubby used to do it too..people would call to ask him and if I was there the conversation would follow something along these lines "uuumm yes..no...ok..uuuummmm fine.." Like I couldn't understand what they were talking about. You re definitely not an ungrateful shit for sure!

 

[Aayla]

Here's one I got from my dad the other day. (I'm pretty sure I'm in the middle of a miscarriage but won't know for sure until tests come back)

You're really only in the stage of getting pregnant (I was 5+5 when he said this). You're not really pregnant until 12 weeks. The time in which you can no longer choose to abort it yourself!

 

[chistiana]

Seriously????.....men should just keep their mouths shut...always!!
So sorry you re going through this, although I don't know the story I hope it's just a false alarm and you go on to have a healthy 9 months pg

 

[fairycat]

It really bothers me when people say "I'm sorry". I appreciate the sentiment, but I know you're sorry already and it just makes me more upset. But what really irks me are my friends saying things like, "I know someone who had a miscarriage and now they have a healthy baby." Gee, thanks. That doesn't help me or make me feel better one bit. I also get the "at least you don't have trouble getting pregnant" thing all the time. If I can't stay pregnant, what good does that do me!?

I understand people are trying to help, but sometimes they really don't and can't.

 

[theiska]

Being admitted to the ER last week with bleeding during my planned pregnancy.

RN:"What number pregnancy is this for you?"
Me: "4"
RN:"Wow, haven't you figured out what causes that?"
Me:"Yeah that's why we kept doing it. My kids are awesome."

Another RN after just telling me I was most likely miscarrying, then asking how many pregnancies I have had.
"Wow fertile myrtle!"

Ummm you just told me my baby is probably dead inside if me...

I did in fact miscarry a week later.

 

[BunnyN]

I almost find the worst thing someone can say is nothing. I can forgive someone for not saying just the right thing as long as they are trying.

 

[theiska]

I almost find the worst thing someone can say is nothing. I can forgive someone for not saying just the right thing as long as they are trying.

I'm the opposite. I mean I would prefer someone to say "I am so sorry. I do t know what to say" over NOTHING, but if they are going to say something like "Oh you can try again" I would prefer they say nothing at all. There is no right way for anyone to handle this, I guess. We all have our own ways. I was reading a psychology book the other day that discusses that one of the reasons miscarriage is so difficult is because society doesn't have a set outline of rituals and accepted timeline for grief. It's a drawn out process for many, but there is no funeral and work places generally don't acknowledge the loss, as they would for the loss of a child who has been born already. People are often left to grieve alone.

 

[BunnyN]

I think "I am so sorry. I don't know what to say" is a nice thing to say. Its the awkward avoidance that I dont like. Most people look uncomfortable and ask me how I am but seem afaid to say anything else. I try and understand that its hard for people to say the right thing though. Like you say there are no guidelines in society. MC is often treated like an uncomfortable secret.

 

[bubblybaby]

My father said: "With all due respect, you wouldn't want to have a child with limitations or something. It's probably for the best."

Now, he was very sad when I told him the news, but this was definitely not the right thing to say.

I'm getting sick of the "something was probably wrong with 'it'." comments.

I LOVE this baby (that is still dead inside of me right now ) and always will. This little baby will always be a part of our family.

People don't understand that I've already kissed, cuddled and carried this baby in my arms inside of my dreams and fantasies many times, and how real this baby already was to us.

Sorry for my rant.

 

[BunnyN]

I dont think people realise what they are saying. To me that is almost like saying "Sorry to hear your mum died, oh well, its probably for the best, there must have been something wrong with her"

 

[bubblybaby]

I dont think people realise what they are saying. To me that is almost like saying "Sorry to hear your mum died, oh well, its probably for the best, there must have been something wrong with her"

^ THIS!

 

[chistiana]

Totally! I mean come on people, not every baby that died has something wrong with it...but even if something was wrong, does that make it ok for me to lose my baby?? So if let's say someone had a terminal illness it's be ok for him/her to pass and we shouldn't feel sad or anything cause "there was something wrong with them"??

 

[StephieStephi]

I have had 'just keep active and you will soon forget about it, like its not even happened' It has been less than a week since i had a miscarriage.

I was 13 weeks and 3 days and had a tonne of contractions - my back is so sore, it acts as a constant reminder.

I went back to work 3 days after it happened - big mistake. ive now taken a few more days off. Its hard dealing with other people emotions and silly things they say.

 

[StephieStephi]

I dont think people realise what they are saying. To me that is almost like saying "Sorry to hear your mum died, oh well, its probably for the best, there must have been something wrong with her"

This made me smile as I would never say this about someones mum but people will about a baby