What would you do? (Neighbour related)

[Varenne]

I work with kids with special needs, in some cases needing a lot of intervention, and their parents are never rude to me or their neighbours!
I'm sorry she was so short with you. I agree with trying to be nice with introductions etc, but there's only so much you can do if she really is just very antisocial! Did your landlord give you any other info about them?

Are you with them 24/7? No? Then you cant know that they have never snapped at someone because they are tired/stressed/running late etc. Honestly I hear people say they work with kids with special needs a lot therefore they know all about whatever I mean. Its absolutely not the same as living it every day.

I was in no way trying to imply that I know everything about this. I'm sorry you don't like special needs workers giving input on this. I devote much of my life to these families and I'm simply relating my experience, which is the only input I'm able to give. It's possibly "trumped" by your input, I don't know, but we're all just trying to help in the ways we can.

I couldn't imagine any of the mothers I've known for years snapping at their neighbour unprovoked, but as you say I have not been with them all day every day and couldn't prove that they haven't. I suppose we are all very limited in what we're able to provide. Even a parent of a special needs child couldn't possibly suggest that they know how other parents of special needs children would react in any situation. We're all so different.

 

[kit10grl]

It isn't about trying to 'trump' anyone. My point was simply that she might have been having a bad day. And other parents don't often understand how bad a bad day can be when your child has special needs. And yes occasionally they could do with a little extra slack if they seem short or rude.

I took exception to your post because it was quite black and white in that special needs parents that you know are never rude. I'm quite sure the people who work with my child couldn't imagine me as being rude either however someone I don't know trying to stop me leaving when I am in a hurry may get a different impression. It really shouldn't matter to the OP that the child has special needs I was merely saying that it might just be worthwhile giving her a little bit more of a chance than another person because parents of special needs child's have extra pressure in their lives and may seem unapproachable because other people don't understand what their life is like. Something I would think you would understand. Surely support for the family is one of the things training for a job with special needs children would entail. It's not helpful to us to be made to feel like we are somehow bad people because our patience wears out sometimes. My post sounds short because its been a very long day coping with my kids and the kick in the teeth at teatime was another surgery date in the post. What if this woman had a similar day when OP spoke to her?

Try one more time was all I was saying

 

[Piggywinkle]

I work with kids with special needs, in some cases needing a lot of intervention, and their parents are never rude to me or their neighbours!

I'm sorry she was so short with you. I agree with trying to be nice with introductions etc, but there's only so much you can do if she really is just very antisocial! Did your landlord give you any other info about them?

The only other info I've had is that a lot of the fencing had to be replaced by our landlord just before we moved in as she had put so much stuff against it that it fell through.

She was in the street yesterday with her little boy while he was playing with another little lad. I gave her a smile and a quick 'morning' but she just gave me daggers and looked away.

We haven't had any more stuff in our garden since, so I imagine I might have pissed her off for not throwing the toy back straight away - that's the only thing I can think of really.

I understand that parents of children with autism could do with a little more understanding sometimes, but I think in this particular case, her little boy's autism is by-the-by and she is just anti-social or has just taken a dislike to me for some reason. I don't know

 

[starangel27]

My little boys balls often go over next doors fence its only 3 foot high they take ages to throw them back so we wait till they go out and hop over the fence I can't believe how much this would annoy some people they are just kids

 

[Piggywinkle]

My little boys balls often go over next doors fence its only 3 foot high they take ages to throw them back so we wait till they go out and hop over the fence I can't believe how much this would annoy some people they are just kids

I'm a very anxious person and also a very private one. The fence in question is 6 feet tall so it wouldn't have been the young boy that came over, it would have been an adult.

We only moved in very recently, so my neighbours are strangers to me. It may not seem a big deal to most people, but because I am naturally an anxious person, I feel like my private space has been a little bit invaded if that makes sense?

 

[Amy89]

I'd be very pissed off if people I didn't know/were actively rude to me went into my garden without my permission. To the point I'd take the crap inside until they found the manners to ask for it back. Autism does not give parents permission to go onto someone else's property without permission. How rude of you neighbour!

 

[sweetlullaby]

Our next door neighbours (adults) play golf and they practise with little plastic white balls that always land in our garden. I just throw them back over the hedge. We talk and get on well and I have no problem throwing them back over its no hassle at all. However I wouldn't like them just walking into the garden and getting them back themselves personally it would scare the shit out of me if I glanced up and seen an adult in my back garden (it's quite private/enclosed and you've to walk in our front gate down the drive and round the back. I wouldn't be too happy and would say don't do it again you scared the living daylights out of me/my child etc. On the other hand kids play football out our front and it does sometimes end up in the garden it would drive me nuts constantly answering the door to them asking can they get it etc so they just hop the wall and get it themselves. My only issue with the ball ending up in the garden is the window or the car getting hit/damaged and I have had to go out and tell them off once or twice to be more careful (it's hit off our front window) I would just throw the toys back over when you see them and if's it's collected by an adult jumping a fence again tell them not to do it if you're at home you'd rather they knocked the door than frightening the life out of you if you seen them. I'd accept them jumping the fence (as long as theres no risk of damage to the fence/your property) if you aren't at home they could have a very unhappy little boy wanting his toy back immediately rather than having to wait 6 hours for you to be home again if that makes sense?lol

 

[Piggywinkle]

It's actually getting a bit worse instead of better I was getting LO up from her nap at the weekend and heard something clatter out in the back garden. I looked out of the window to see the lad launching toy after toy into our garden (completely on purpose) while his mum sat on the back step, watching him do it while she sat and had a smoke. I had to go out and throw them all back.

The lad also stands on something outside and stares into my kitchen window and shouts stuff at me while I'm trying to go about my business. I went out the other day and asked him if he had kicked a ball over or something but as soon as I started talking to him, his mum shouted at him really nastily to get into the house so now I don't know what to do :/ I don't really want to get him in trouble but now I have to cook with my blinds closed. I know he's only a kid and his autism may stop him understanding the situation, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

There has also been a knife thrown over the fence, but I didn't really want to throw that back in case the boy hurt himself. It's sitting on a shelf in the shed in case neighbour asks for it back.

I've attempted to say hello to her on a few more informal occasions since my OP, but I just get ignored or I get dirty looks.

 

[Bex84]

Its understandable it upsets you them coming in to garden. I would be very upset unless I invited people plus the risk to breaking stuff. I have los sand pit etc out. My neighbours did it once as their washing blew over and I was out and they knocked, I wasn't overly upset that time as long as not happening all the time and know only did before things blew away and had tried to knock. I try to get on with our neighbours even when I get irritated by ones comments on things like she doesn't like baby wearing. I think this mother is being rude and its certainly unacceptable she allowed her child to throw a knife, what if your lo got a hold of it, you should be watching your child if they need it outside if just so that they don't hurt themselves. I know it must be stressful if your child has additional needs but that does not mean basic manors go out the window. We all have bad days and yes some people have more stressful life but does not give excuse for rudeness.

 

[Piggywinkle]

Its understandable it upsets you them coming in to garden. I would be very upset unless I invited people plus the risk to breaking stuff. I have los sand pit etc out. My neighbours did it once as their washing blew over and I was out and they knocked, I wasn't overly upset that time as long as not happening all the time and know only did before things blew away and had tried to knock. I try to get on with our neighbours even when I get irritated by ones comments on things like she doesn't like baby wearing. I think this mother is being rude and its certainly unacceptable she allowed her child to throw a knife, what if your lo got a hold of it, you should be watching your child if they need it outside if just so that they don't hurt themselves. I know it must be stressful if your child has additional needs but that does not mean basic manors go out the window. We all have bad days and yes some people have more stressful life but does not give excuse for rudeness.

I'm guessing he probably shouldn't have had the knife in the first place, but it did annoy me to think that my daughter may have picked it up before I had seen it.

 

[sandilion]

Wow wow wow wait a minute ... a knife??!! Im sorry but this is getting ridiculous now, stop being afraid of this woman's bad attitude and tell her straight that you don't want things thrown over the fence as you have now found a knife, and with having kids of your own you wont tolerate things like that being thrown over.

Who cares if they are neighbors, she is already horrible to you so you may as well tell her to stop allowing her child to throw things over. Because if you don't say something now and put a stop to it, one day your kids could get hit by something dangerous this child decides to throw over.

I have had to tell our neighbors off on both sides for various reasons, and its not painful living here, i know im in the right to F them! They can sulk about it all they like, you have to be able to leave in peace and the worst mistake you can make IMO is to let neighbors walk all over you.

 

[Bex84]

I'm guessing he probably shouldn't have had the knife in the first place, but it did annoy me to think that my daughter may have picked it up before I had seen it.[/QUOTE]

I would see it as poor supervision on her part, and if she is out there with him then she should be stopping him throwing stuff, its not fair to you or your child as its dangerous. To be honest I would get annoyed if children kept throwing stuff over fence. She could have been nice and resolved it in a friendly manor but I am surprised she didn't come and apologise for stuff thrown over fence, I love children and worked with them but in this instance it is the parents fault. Im sure if she just came and said sorry you wouldent be bothered about putting stuff back over but she has been plain out rude

 

[Piggywinkle]

I wish I was the type to confront it, but I'm very socially anxious

 

[MikaylasMummy]

I don't know about anyone else,but I would be considering the knife as a threat on her part.whether she did it or not.i would be inclined to have a serious conversation with her about how this will need to go further should another dangerous situation arise.surely the parents of an autistic child would have things like knives locked up or somewhere safe if their child is likely to play with them??and it seems to me him throwing toy after toy is her egging him on.keep the toys.im sure hes got more and I'm sure they will soon stop if he ends up with a low supply of toys.stop throwing them back,stop communicating with them.this lady is playing on your compassion for her son and if he suffers in this situation it is because of HER not YOU

 

[kit10grl]

I don't know about anyone else,but I would be considering the knife as a threat on her part.whether she did it or not.i would be inclined to have a serious conversation with her about how this will need to go further should another dangerous situation arise.surely the parents of an autistic child would have things like knives locked up or somewhere safe if their child is likely to play with them??and it seems to me him throwing toy after toy is her egging him on.keep the toys.im sure hes got more and I'm sure they will soon stop if he ends up with a low supply of toys.stop throwing them back,stop communicating with them.this lady is playing on your compassion for her son and if he suffers in this situation it is because of HER not YOU

I would not do this with the toys. Regardless of the mothers attitude if there was a favourite toy of the childs in the mix that wasn't returned this could cause a very hard situation for the child. And he isn't capable of understanding that not having the toy is a consequence of having thrown the toy over you would be unfairly punishing the boy.

I agree the mother should have been making an attempt to prevent him throwing the toys over or at least apologising for it. But again with autism sometimes there is very little reasoning with the child. Is it possible the previous neighbour was very friendly with him? Maybe waved to him from her window or spent time playing with his toys over the fence with him? Something like that would explain why he keeps doing it. He will be having a hard time adjusting to the change of neighbour, children with autism take longer to process change.

I do however retract my statements about the mother maybe having a hard time she does now sound like shes just being a cow instead of having had one or two off days. But please try not punish the boy for something he cant control, he doenst understand he is doing anything wrong or is upsetting you.

 

[sandilion]

I wish I was the type to confront it, but I'm very socially anxious

Im sorry to hear that, i used to be the same until i got sick of people shitting on me and walking all over me. I still have to be pushed pretty far before i say anything but i can definitely say I am a lot happier and better off now that i have learned how to stand up for myself. If not for yourself, at least try to for your kids. The first time doing it is always the hardest, but it really is a skill that you can practice.

There is no way i would be able to live feeling i had to close my blinds when i cook, or put up with things in fear of upsetting others.

They don't have more rights to your property than you, but you are allowing them to think they do. They have no right to throw things over and expect you to keep throwing them back and just put up with it. They also have no right to jump over the fence to collect things, that's just wrong. It's trespassing and it's illegal. But until you say something, I can see this continuing in all honesty and you becoming very stressed about it.

Personally if this was me, the next time the little boy is outside and throws something over, I would calmly and nicely tell him "Here you go darling but please don't throw anymore things over the fence it might hit one of us and that wont be very nice" Id say it when the mother is outside. If they then come to the fence I would then discuss my concerns with them. If they get angry Ill just make my point that i don't want it happening anymore and then just walk away. I understand the little boy has Autism, but we had 3 boys with autism next door to us and in all honesty they were very well behaved kids. The parents were very responsible though and taught them wrong from right. Autism or not they can learn. This mother is the problem she sounds like a lazy cow.

 

[babyno9]

I would take the knife back to her and say something about how dangerous it is throwing things over the fence.

My next door neighbours teenage kids kept kicking their balls over our fence, i got fed up with throwing them back so used to leave it longer each time before chucking them back, i then caught one of the kids climbing over the fence into my garden and went out there and asked if there was a problem. Not seen them climb into my garden since but their 20 year old son now jumps my side gate to get into my garden when he comes home drunk and is locked out, he frightened the life out of my kids one sunday morning, i have now planted some trees along the fence and hope when they grow he won't be able to do his thing.

 

[Piggywinkle]

She saw my husband out this morning and apparently was all chatty with him, asking if we'd settled in etc. I just can't work her out.

Just to elaborate, the knife was a rusty old thing, it had come over with a few toys so I'm not seeing it as any kind of threat. Just him managing to get hold of something he shouldn't have and it making it's way over with other stuff.

As for the mum, I'm beginning to think she's just a bit weird.

 

[sandilion]

Hmmm is she single? Maybe she's jealous.

 

[Piggywinkle]

I've never seen anyone around who could be his dad, but I didn't really think of anything like that tbh.