What's your motivation?

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by ahicks07, Jun 8, 2011.

  1. ahicks07

    ahicks07 Active Member

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    Call me old fashioned, but I'm FLOORED at the number of people on here who are not married, but are TTC. Or even the very VERY young ladies who are still teenagers by definition. I'm not judging, just surprised. So I'm curious....what's your motivation? Are you planning to get married, or not? If so, why are you TTC now?

    We've been married for a little over 3.5 years now, and I'm in my 2WW of cycle 3 post-Mirena. I have lots of friends who have gotten married over the last 4 years, but many of them start TTC immediately after getting married. I have thoroughly enjoyed my selfish time with my hubby, and we're finally ready for the next phase in our lives...
     
  2. Morgan85

    Morgan85 Well-Known Member

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    I would consider myself old fashioned and think it's better to be married before TTC but I'm not going to say its the end all be all. My sister in law wasn't married when she had her first (she was in her mid-20s) and has done a magnificent job raising her little girl, my neice.

    I will on the other hand completely agree with you on some of the posters I have seen on here that are younger than 18 and purposely TTC. I read someone who was in her young teens when she started TTC with her boyfriend...I was shocked. I really don't agree with that. The other board I'm on, makes it so that you have have to be 18 to join.

    I'll probably have some people who disagree but there's no harm in a friendly debate.
     
  3. carisasanders

    carisasanders Well-Known Member

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    Im not old fashion Im Biblical. I dont agree with it either. I dont agree with children before marriage at all. I DEFINATLEY dont agree with children (teenagers) having children and worse actually trying UNLESS your married already.
     
  4. TeddyBearPug

    TeddyBearPug Well-Known Member

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    i completely agree with the teenagers ttc. I am married but me and my husband were together for 10 years before we ever got married just because we didn't like the conventional pressures that society tries to put on people to get married. We were in a completely commited relationship and new we would be together forever. I think theres nothing wrong for people to ttc unmarried if your in a committed relationship. Not all people believe in marriage anymore.
     
  5. mammag

    mammag Expecting a Rainbow

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    I'm in for a good debate! I've thought the same things, even talked to DH about it but never have had the nerve to post anything, lol. But I completely agree, I had my DS at 19, completely unplanned, even considered adoption but wound up changing my mind (so glad I did btw) but raising him at such a young age, even with the help of his father was sooo hard at times. I just can't imagine the reasoning behind trying so young, except that there is no reasoning and it's teenage hormones taking precedence over reason.
     
  6. SmartBLondie

    SmartBLondie Well-Known Member

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    I really agree with what you say about the conventional pressures about getting married. My fiancé and I are planning on getting married at some point, but neither of us feel like we have to do it just because we want kids (and our families feel the same way). We know that we love being together, are extremely happy together, but don't need that piece of paper validating our relationship. I think it's more important to be in a committed and happy relationship because there are plenty of unhappily married couples which conceive, then divorce. Getting married won't magically make everything work. I do not criticize either side though...... people should do what makes the most sense in their situation instead of what society or whatever else may want them to do.

    I'm not sure about wanting kids so early... I personally always said that I never wanted any and then bam! at 25 (I'm 26 now) I knew I wanted kids, but didn't feel like I wanted to start trying until this year. My sister on the other hand had her first at 19 and she is a fantastic mother and in April her and her husband just had their second child. She always knew she wanted to have a family and would rather do that then go out and party. She's 24 now and still stands by that decision. Again, I think people should do what they feel is right for their life. There is no right way or one specific way to live life.
     
  7. itsy.bitsy

    itsy.bitsy Well-Known Member

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    i think alot of people dont realise the impact their wanting a child can have on those around them, such as friends of mine having childeren while still living in their parents house, not havig a permanent long term partner and no real income to support themselves. i am old fashioned and personally wanted to be married before trying for children even tho i really wanted them well before this.
    i think with some people want comes above anything else. This doesnt mean they wouldnt be a good mother however i have found it really is a matter of thinking of themselves and what they want above anything else
     
  8. ahicks07

    ahicks07 Active Member

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    Yes, some people marry, and divorce, but getting married forces you (well, some people) to work harder at a relationship that's worth saving. By not being married, it's too easy to give up and walk away because their are truly no strings attached.

    I understand your viewpoint, but my approach to my relationship with my husband completely changed when he became my husband. It just changed things. Solidified our relationship. There's a reason behind the phrase "and 2 become 1." That doesn't happen just because you're happy and in a committed relationship. If you're truly happy and truly committed, why is a "piece of paper" so scary?

    I don't think marriage is a piece of paper. I think it's a symbolic promise. My opinion is that "playing house" is just lazy. There's no financial benefit to playing house. If you're paying bills with a combined income as though you were married, one of you is likely to get SCREWED if the other gets a wild hair and walks away. If you're paying everything halfies like roommates, it becomes a business transaction which is just plain boring.
     
  9. SmartBLondie

    SmartBLondie Well-Known Member

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    ahicks07 -- this is my second time trying to reply and so this won't be as long (internet is being a diva).

    I think it is ignorant that you refer to people that don't do it your way as playing house or simply living a business transaction. I find that it's a very close minded approach and does not make you correct, but you are entitled to your opinions. I respect you for stating your opinion, I just don't agree.

    I am not scared of getting married and neither is my SO (we are engaged after all). We are choosing to get married, but don't feel like we HAVE to. We are very financially secure, have a great home, and are happy. Neither of us feels that we could or would want to just run away because we aren't bound to one another by a document. Many people in the world manage to have strong relationships and raise happy children without getting married. There are also plenty that are happily married with happy children. Getting married does not automatically make people work harder-- it depends on each relationship. You may work harder personally, but you can't attest for the rest of the world.

    I'm not saying that people should or shouldn't get married; it's an independent decision that should be made on their own. I will agree that it does make life easier (benefits, other documents, some financial matters), but I still won't say that everyone in the world needs to get married to be successful in their relationship. To each his own.
     
  10. Lilbynon

    Lilbynon 2DD w/ baby to come

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    Wow. I agree. My daughter i had to raise by my self for two and a half years before my DH came in to the pic. Yes he is FOB, just wasn't ready when she was born. Our motivation is that we are wed and we would both love another child and for him to experiance the whole thing, and he is an amazing parent
     
  11. readyformore

    readyformore Well-Known Member

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    He's an amazing parent that was absent for the first 2.5 years of your child's life? Hmmm
     
  12. dashnbohemian

    dashnbohemian Well-Known Member

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  13. mammag

    mammag Expecting a Rainbow

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    He's not the child's birth father, he stepped in and took the role on, that takes a very good man IMO.
     
  14. dashnbohemian

    dashnbohemian Well-Known Member

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    I totally agree with you... DH & I got married 3 years after having our son.
    Everyone should be able to make their own decision as to how they will live their life.
     
  15. readyformore

    readyformore Well-Known Member

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    Yes, it is. That's totally not how I read the post though.
     
  16. Lilbynon

    Lilbynon 2DD w/ baby to come

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    He's an amazing parent that was absent for the first 2.5 years of your child's life? Hmmm[/QUOTE]

    Yes He is! had alot of growing up to do and i felt the need to protect my child from the possiblity of having her father run out on her, which is more than what i can say for some people i know. As for his absence, it was what was best for ALL of us and have now been a happy family for over a year.
    I don't make jugements on anyone else and would apriceate the same in return
     
  17. ahicks07

    ahicks07 Active Member

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    I was responding to a friendly debate, knowing full well that you weren't going to agree with me. You posted your opinion, I countered with an opposing opinion. I was not being ugly, I was not being rude. If your feelings got hurt, I'm sorry, but that was not the intent.
     
  18. TeddyBearPug

    TeddyBearPug Well-Known Member

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    Thats exactly how DH and I were. We knew the first 6 months of being together that we wanted to be together forever. I was totally against marriage in the beginning and he didn't care either way. We met in high school and felt no rush because we were so young. I have watched many couples meet, get married, and divorce in the time frame that we have been together. We have never split up and have always treated our relationship with the commitment it deserves. It hasn't always been rosey but we put the work that should go into an adult relationship. When i was younger I was indifferent to having kids. The older I got, the more i started thinking about children and I wanted to be married before doing so for no other reason than thats just how i imagined it when i was younger. I also worried about what would happen to OH if something happened to me or him and the legalities of us not being married. Society is just now starting to recognize "domestic partners" and we were registered as that on our health insurance which we had together. Honestly nothing has changed for us since getting married. It feels exactly the same as before. In our eyes it was just a piece of paper to us because we had already committed ourselves fully to each other all those years ago. Now we just enjoy the benefits of being married that society offers like tax breaks :winkwink: Everyone has their own reasons for not wanting to get married; not all are looking for an easy way out if the relationship goes south. Thats going to happen married or not.
     
  19. itsy.bitsy

    itsy.bitsy Well-Known Member

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    i think the problem isnt marriage as such but people who arent set up to have children putting the burden of what they want onto the people around them. I knew many girls who fell pregnant and had not even moved out of their parents house yet. the parents then have to support their child with a baby. if a woman (or man) feels they are willing to take the road alone without a partner then its totally their decision, however i think they should at least be able to support themselves and a baby. Its an unreasonable and selfish weight to put your want for a baby onto your family. In saying this real accidents do happen. i just know many girls who claimed accident when it was not.
     
  20. TeddyBearPug

    TeddyBearPug Well-Known Member

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    i couldn't agree more!
     

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