Why am I jealous/Iritated when in-laws hold my baby...

[vintage67]

I now hope neither of my sons marry or they are both gay.

I am so sick of this. I am glad that you all can come somewhere and vent, but agree with some of the other posters. As a mother with two sons, this is terribly depressing, disheartening and disconcerting.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I get the "primal" thing... but your MIL mothered your OH, so it isn't as though she is any more or less experienced than your own mum. Sometimes it really pays to remember she isn't just "MIL, oh what a pain in the ass", she is OH's mother and how would you (all yous are general btw) feel if your OH felt this way about your mum and started imposing boundaries/rules about what she was able/not able to do just because it wasn't HIS mum and he felt funny about it? You'd tell him where to go, of course! I see a lot of double standards about MILs on here.

 

[Arlee]

I get really stressed and iritated when my in-laws come to visit, some of it is due to issues with my sister in law (she's got some mental issues and her, my husband, and I don't get along but that is a whole other story), and some of it just seems to have sprung up since the birth of my little guy.

I think my MIL and FIL are both nice and we get on okay but when either of them are holding my little boy or talking to him I feel really jealous or anxious and just want to hold him myself again. I feel like some of their comments get on my nerves and I end up counting down the minutes until they leave. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Is there some sort of hormonal reason I could be feeling like this?

I'm okay when my mother holds him and I do let my MIL hold my son but I really want to get him back as soon as possible... I don't like feeling this way.

They keep on hinting that they want to come baby sit him (they hint a lot)and I panic when I think about it.

I could have seriously written this post

 

[fionagrace]

I get like this and I really hate it. I wish I could switch off my emotions when im around my inlaws but its so hard.
OH and I are quiet, calm people and our house is always chilled out. OH's family are the total opposite. As soon as they are in contact with our son it is like a frenzy of shouting, clapping, bouncing and baby passing. Then the cameras come out and it gets even more extreme as everyone wants a picture of him in various poses. I get really worked up when I see LO looking so confused and sometimes I just want to leave the room. By the time they leave or we leave LO is always screaming and just seems overwhelmed by the whole thing :\ It also gets on my nerves when they shove their fingers in his mouth to keep him quiet whilst they pass him about..
I dread the day they ask to look after him at their house but as others have said I really don't want to exclude them, especially as I will one day be the mother in law! Hopefully it is all hormonal and I will get over it soon

 

[charlie_lael]

I can understand feeling anxious when other people hold your baby. It's only natural. You probably don't feel that way with your own family because youve known them all your life and you trust them.

Not saying you don't trust your in laws, I know I do, but it would still bother me because it's natural. You're naturally going to be cautious and irritated with other people handling your baby unless you've practically lived with them your whole life. I'm sure it will ease off as your child gets older and is less vulnerable.

 

[charlie_lael]

I get like this and I really hate it. I wish I could switch off my emotions when im around my inlaws but its so hard.
OH and I are quiet, calm people and our house is always chilled out. OH's family are the total opposite. As soon as they are in contact with our son it is like a frenzy of shouting, clapping, bouncing and baby passing. Then the cameras come out and it gets even more extreme as everyone wants a picture of him in various poses. I get really worked up when I see LO looking so confused and sometimes I just want to leave the room. By the time they leave or we leave LO is always screaming and just seems overwhelmed by the whole thing :\ It also gets on my nerves when they shove their fingers in his mouth to keep him quiet whilst they pass him about..
I dread the day they ask to look after him at their house but as others have said I really don't want to exclude them, especially as I will one day be the mother in law! Hopefully it is all hormonal and I will get over it soon

The finger thing is disgusting. I would have slapped all of them! Or shoved my fingers in their mouths and seen how they liked it.

Jeez. That's gross and horribly unsanitary.

 

[mamawannabee]

I really needed this tonight, I was with MIL and FIL today and felt like this, so upset I was crying. Luckily I had sunglasses on so I could hide it, but OH went and got LO and brought her to me. MIL had her and she was fussy, so she got up, walked to the neighbors and said "I'm stealing her". I could have taken her head off I was so mad. I don't feel this way with anyone else hardly, and don't want to feel it, but I do! I have a lot of resentment toward her just because my mom is dead and she is alive to meet her granddaughter, but this is more than just that.

I really can't stand that they try to soothe her and leave her crying as some others have said when I know she just wants me or OH! I dread going to see them, because I know I'm just going to get mad. to you all, this is such a terrible feeling.

 

[amygwen]

It's normal to feel that way. I was really similar when my LO was smaller. Even now, even though my LO is much older, I still don't really trust my in-laws entirely. I have several reasons for this. I feel 100% different about my parents with my LO though, I trust them entirely.

 

[lu-is]

Thanks for all the different posts it was really helpful and insightful to read them. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way, there are so many things to think about.

I've devised a plan for the next time they come to visit and LO isn't napping or eating, I think I will quietly retreat to my room for a nap or to read, or I'll go play the piano or something. This will give them their chance to play and interact with my son and I won't be bothered about every little thing that happens. My DH will still be there, and if he's hungry or fussing too much someone will let me know - or more likely I'll hear as the house isn't very big. It's not that I don't want to visit or talk to them I just think it would be a great way for them to have baby time without me giving off anxious/negative/whoknowswhat vibes.

I'm getting a little anxious for next weekend already because we are attending a family reunion for my FIL's side I hope it goes well and I can keep my "mama bear" feelings in check. I'm going to try and spend this week relaxing my self so I can go into it with a positive, relaxed mindset.

ETA: I'm also really glad to hear that this feeling will hopefully pass with time.

 

[Larkspur]

She's always calling herself 'nanny' to LO, and I always correct her and say 'great nanny'. She also has an annoying habit of saying 'what's your mummy doing to you?' if he cries while I'm holding/feeding/dressing/playing with him. Um, I'm being his MUMMY!

Oh god, that would drive me insane. Passive-aggressiveness is my pet hate.

Having said that, it's been good for me to read this thread for the reason that other posters have mentioned... I'm due with my first (maybe only?) and it's a boy. One day I will be the MIL and it would hurt for my DIL to resent me for wanting to be a part of my grandchild's life in the same way her own mother is.

I guess it is a good long-term lesson in making sure I develop a strong relationship with any future DILs, and a good short-term lesson in being open-minded about my own MIL. I admit I got my back up a bit the other day when my OH told me she'd told him she'd "been to visit [LO's name]". I was like, "Um, he's not even born yet, I thought she was visiting ME." But I'm sure she was just making a joke, not being dismissive of me as just a walking womb containing her grandchild.

 

[SamanthaYC]

I only feel this way about my MIL, and I have good reasons.

1.) She won't let anyone else hold my son

2.) She actually said "no, he's fine" to me when he was fussing and I went to take him back

3.) She literally races me to him whenever he wakes up from his nap. Literally.

I finally had enough when we had a small get together at her house. He was being really fussy that day and she offered to put him down to sleep for me while I ate, and I agreed because I just returned from work and was quite hungry. After about 20 minutes, I go to check on him and she is standing over him trying to make him go to sleep on his stomach with a blanket wrapped over his head!! I scolded her and told her that he could suffocate with the blanket, and he is supposed to be on his back! He wasn't even sleepy. His eyes were wide and he was looking around contently. I took him back to the party and he eventually fell asleep in my arms. But she kept glaring at me the whole time.

What I am trying to say is that it seems like I have to compete to be able to care for my son. She needs to let me mother my baby, as she had her chance to mother all three of her children.


You girls are not alone with this feeling! It's terrible!

 

[libbylou]

I definetly get irratated when MIL and FIL hold LO

They are both heavy smokers and they always reek of smoke. DH and I are both very paranoid about smoke even thirdhand smoke as he's had cancer twice and I HATE when they hold her because all I can think about is all those disgusting chemicals on their skin, hair and breath that is getting all over my precious little girl. And then she stinks after they hold her

LO also pretty much gets hysterical when anyone holds her but me. Yet they insist on holding her even when she's screaming herself red and sweaty and crying so hard she can barely breathe and I end up feeling ill and have to demand to have her back so I can calm her down and they keep going "its ok we don't mind that she's crying"...well I do, especially because she's hysterical!

 

[Jenna Lynn]

What I am trying to say is that it seems like I have to compete to be able to care for my son. She needs to let me mother my baby, as she had her chance to mother all three of her children.


You girls are not alone with this feeling! It's terrible!

This ^^ and I'm still trying to find a tactful, polite way around it. My in-laws gang up on me and never allow me to be with my baby. They just pass her around from one to another and rush her out of the room when she gets fussy so they can try to hide it. They just refuse to give her up and I can't understand why, especially now that she can communicate what she wants. She's in the phase now where she reaches for me and they still try to purposely distract her away from me! Now I boldly follow them around and snatch her back up, which has created some lovely tension.

When LO was three months old, we went to a birthday party of a mutual acquaintance and I was pushed on the sidelines while they did what they wanted with her. My first Christmas with my first baby, they completely took over. I didn't spend one moment with my baby during Christmas, she was in their laps just being passed around while looking dazed and finally, crying hysterically. (Then, just giving up and going into overtired mode.)

By the time we got home, my LO was up all night screaming in her sleep from overstimulation!

i finally had enough and have learned to be a lot more assertive (ie, getting right up in their face when LO is being fussy and saying, "Ok, Mommy is taking you now.")

But, really, it doesn't matter if it's the in-laws or my own parents. I've become invisible. They basically just come up and snatch my LO out of my arms. I know they're well-meaning and love her so much, but it's irritating.

I take a deep breath and say, this too shall pass. LO has many people that love her and battle for her affection but it's really overwhelming sometimes. Especially when they view you suspiciously because you don't do things the way they feel you should.

But being a Mommy has taught me one thing; how to be a bitch and not apologize for it. Not to care about anyone's opinion because (as I've discovered) everyone has a opinion once you have a child.

I just try to stay busy now when other people have her and get what I need done. The separation anxiety eases with time. And, no matter what the opinion is, at the end of the day we are still their Mommies, and ultimately we have final say on everything concerning our babies.

 

[AmethystDream]

I think that some people are kindof missing the point. It isn't because of who they are, it because of how they are.

Regardless of who it was who was grabby, entitled and refused to return my baby when they were upset or I asked, I wouldn't then be as comfortable with them holding the baby.

That is why some ladies are perfectly happy with some SILs holding the baby and not others.. it isn't about titles or them being your OH's family, it's about how they react to you and your child.

A for instance? I have 2 MILs and Inlaw families, I have no issue at all with one of them and it happens to be ex's family. MIL remembers enough about being a Mum that babies want their Mummy. They don't want to be rocked/walked/shushed into submission, whilst getting more and more upset. There is a major difference between trying to settle a baby to be helpful and being selfish. Being selfish is putting your own needs above that of the baby and many of the problems described here are because of that, not because they are the dreaded MIL.

Now my OH's Mother, my 'current' MIL, is one of those described. She would snatch the baby at every opportunity, be in their face, do everything she wanted to do regardless of how much it upset the baby. She is also the type who would argue, pout and get angry because - heaven forbid - you would like to get your baby back to comfort them!

I know that I am not perfect. however, I also know that I will NEVER act that way with any potential Grandchildren. I won't snatch baby away, wake them purposely, walk off with them, make jokes about stealing them, judge the parents, give unsolicited advice or put myself above the needs of baby and their Mother. I also will not make myself so unapproachable or react so childishly that a parent can't happily and comfortably ask for their baby back.

So, you see, this is far less to do with Inlaws than it is selfish behaviour. Big red herring.

 

[Pinky00]

Exactly wss ^^

If anyone else was the way MIL is I would feel equally annoyed....but no one else does it!

 

[Angelz79]

I agree it's not WHO MIL is, it's HOW. I realize she raised 3 children, although I question how well they turned out, but that's a different issue entirely. I nurse LO, burp him beautifully, hand him over perfectly happy, and when he starts to fuss and want his mommy again, she say, "oh he's fine, he just as wind". When I read the earlier comment about wind, I had to laugh because it's totally true!

My ILs think I am overprotective, but what mother isn't when her LO is so young? FIL actually told me to relax and let LO be when I had to go looking for him after MIL took him into another room for half an hour. This from the same man who asked me if LO was sleeping through the night 2 days after he was born!

I am sad to think I will be the MIL one day as I have a son, but I would like to think that I will think of what the child wants and needs rather than think I know best. I know the bond between a mother and daughter is different than that of a mother and son. I've been trying to explain that point to my OH since I found out I was pregnant and his mother started emailing and texting for updates (she never phones, which is another irritating thing as having a detailed conversation via text is inefficient).

 

[RedRose]

I remember when Lily was a baby I didn't mind people holding her unless she started crying, then I would feel really anxious. But, unless my memory is playing tricks on me, everyone except PIL would hand her back to me if she was crying. They would always take her further away from me or ignore me when I said she was hungry/tired etc. It made me really resent them tbh, because it's selfish. They should have wanted their new granddaughter to be comforted more then they wanted to hold her.

Maybe PIL come on so strong because they have an inherent fear that they are family outsiders? Of course this would only seek to alienate a new mother even more.

And those who are worried because they have boys- don't be! My brother is really close with my mum. It's perfectly do-able to raise sons who are close to their family in the same way daughters are! Just give any future DIL space if you feel she wants it!

 

[whit.]

I sure hope I only have girls. I would hate if my sons wife felt this way about me holding my grandchild.

 

[JadeBaby75]

This is one thing that scares the crap out of me when having a son. I would hate for my DIL to feel this way about me.

 

[tommyg]

Amythest hit it on the head that new mums can't stand IL's being selfish with their baby. I also wonder if it's something to do with most people having 100% faith in their own mum, as in you've only known her all of your life!!! You 100% have faith that she will never hurt you or your baby or her behaviour is to help you not to hurt you she knows the second you are irritated and when you want LO back.

Where as MILs are generally new in your life, you have never been 100% reliant on them, they will never know you the same as your own mum.

However I have realised over the years my MIL is selfish not only with DS, but generally the stuff she expects her children to do for her and never offers to help anybody unless it suits her.

I can see MIL is selfish but DH can't. So maybe daughters can't see their own mothers selfishness???

To the mums of boys who are scared of becoming a MIL. Chill be supportive and caring and I'm sure you can gain DIL's trust. Don't ever admit that you don't care about her the way her own mother does, esp if her life was threatened during pregnancy!