Why am I jealous/Iritated when in-laws hold my baby...

[Jenna Lynn]

Some girls, okay, I understand. But sometimes girls, you are just completely OTT.

Perhaps it has a lot to do with some girls being new mothers, being insecure about their authority as a mother, and feel a direct "challenge" from their MILs, I don't know.

Perhaps. Or perhaps it's the other party feeling insecure / threatened because LO has a natural attachment to Mommy the first few months (a natural phase), and Baby constantly grizzling/fussing for Mommy somehow makes said other party feel inadequate or rejected.

 

[highhopes19]

I feel like this when my mil holds my lo, because a few weeks back I was standing in the door way of the front room when she was holding her, lo started getting restless and wringing, and mil went "ssshhhh mummy's here" "come to mummy" my blood was boiling! I ran in snatched Isabelle gave her a filthy look and stormed out the room!


It wasn't a slip of the tongue as she kept repeating it over and over to her .

Now whenever she goes near her I get an awful sick feeling in my tummy

 

[vintage67]

Is anyone in this thread having so much animosity towards their mother in law over the age of say, 28 or so? Or are all you that are so threatened, very young mothers?

Because I think aliss hit on something with some of the insecurities that ALL new mothers have but maybe more intensely if you're only 19-23 or so.

 

[AmethystDream]

Is anyone in this thread having so much animosity towards their mother in law over the age of say, 28 or so? Or are all you that are so threatened, very young mothers?

Because I think aliss hit on something with some of the insecurities that ALL new mothers have but maybe more intensely if you're only 19-23 or so.

I don't have 'so much animosity' towards my MIL but I do take exception to her horrible behaviour. There is quite a big difference. I also happen to be well into my thirties with 4 children, so the theory falls flat with me.

I have to be honest, I also find it a little patronising.

 

[vintage67]

Not at all. The time period of 18-25 or so is full of insecurities and becoming an adult woman. Throwing motherhood into the mix at a young age can make someone feel very insecure and even defiant as they feel people think they are unknowledgeable. I don't think that's patronizing at all. A lot of younger women on here have commented about people saying things to them in public about the way their baby is dressed, etc. I think we all get that from people; I know I have. But the young mom immediately thinks it is a shot at her for being young. Just wondering if that increases some of the MIL animosity as well.

 

[tommyg]

I'm 36 and have MIL issues.

I rant on here because it's safe I never pass my worries or problems to my family why worry them with my problems? Hence my family don't know the half of it. She had my 40 year old sister seething and my 70 year old uncle described her as rude at my sons Christening because MIL on 3 occassions took my son from my sister when she was trying to make sure my extended family got to meet him and got photos with him.

So no age has nothing to do with it.

 

[AmethystDream]

Not at all. The time period of 18-25 or so is full of insecurities and becoming an adult woman. Throwing motherhood into the mix at a young age can make someone feel very insecure and even defiant as they feel people think they are unknowledgeable. I don't think that's patronizing at all. A lot of younger women on here have commented about people saying things to them in public about the way their baby is dressed, etc. I think we all get that from people; I know I have. But the young mom immediately thinks it is a shot at her for being young. Just wondering if that increases some of the MIL animosity as well.

I must respectfully disagree. I'd say that you are generalising and not really giving enough credit to the woman who have posted here about their problems.

I certainly wouldn't say that a lot of young Mums would take a random stranger's unsolicited comments as a slight on their motherhood and not all ladies with MIL problems are feeling animosity towards them because of their age and/or status as a new parent.

Equally, not all MILs are well intentioned women who are just overexcited to be a Grandparent.

To be scared of a Son's future relationships because of threads like these is bizarre. Be respectful to your Son and his partner and you won't end up in a situation like has been described. If you act like an entitled, manipulative person you will more than likely be treated that way, regardless of who you are and what your title is.

 

[aliss]

... But I think vintage is referring to instances that really have nothing to do with the MIL being evil in any way.

For example, girls here have been upset just because they hold the baby, or kiss the baby on the forehead. They say it's "just because" it's MIL. Very, very few women will complain about this when their own mothers do it.

So I think the truth has to lie somewhere in the middle in many instances. Nobody's denying that some MILs are just nasty people (my dad is the one who is the nasty "FIL", whereas my MIL & FIL, & mom are gems) but sometimes it really does seem like girls just feel insecure and challenged by the "other woman", so to speak.

 

[AmethystDream]

... But I think vintage is referring to instances that really have nothing to do with the MIL being evil in any way.

For example, girls here have been upset just because they hold the baby, or kiss the baby on the forehead. They say it's "just because" it's MIL. Very, very few women will complain about this when their own mothers do it.

So I think the truth has to lie somewhere in the middle in many instances. Nobody's denying that some MILs are just nasty people (my dad is the one who is the nasty "FIL", whereas my MIL & FIL, & mom are gems) but sometimes it really does seem like girls just feel insecure and challenged by the "other woman", so to speak.

When it is 'just because it is MIL', I wouldn't say that age or experience has anything to do with it. Vintage was asking if anybody on this thread was anything but a young inexperienced Mother and to come to that conclusion, considering some experiences that have been shared, was quite unfair.

As I said, regardless of title, we will not feel comfortable with some people being around our children because of the way they act. Not because of feeling threatened or challenged but because they don't put the needs of your child above their wants.

I was 21 when I had my eldest Daughter and I didn't feel threatened in the least by anybody in my child's life or feel any animosity towards my, then, MIL at all. Now should my current MIL had been around then, my feelings towards her inappropriate and damaging behaviour wouldn't have been anything other than a fully justified reaction to her actions. Not a reflection of personal insecurities on my part nor an overreaction due to age or experience.

I also think that I would have felt insulted should someone have suggested that it was down to my age and experience, rather than the reality of the situation.

 

[tommyg]

Regardless of age "when it is just MIL" very often it is lots of little things that add up.

Yes it might be "only natural" that MIL would not be that worried about my life and her concern would "naturally" be for her unborn grandchild. Well I can honestly tell you it hurt, even after I gave birth she couldn't bring herself to ask if I was OK?

Do you honestly think I would be happy for somebody who openly admitted she didn't care about me handle my son?

 

[highhopes19]

Is anyone in this thread having so much animosity towards their mother in law over the age of say, 28 or so? Or are all you that are so threatened, very young mothers?

Because I think aliss hit on something with some of the insecurities that ALL new mothers have but maybe more intensely if you're only 19-23 or so.

I just have animosity towards a daft batty old cow referring to my lo as her mum, and doing things deliberately to make it look as though I'm going insane..... Because of this I have every right to hate her!

 

[pinklightbulb]

If you (general) have good reason to dislike your MIL, you shouldn't be offended by those of us with only boys wondering just how petty some other women can be as DILs and fearing for ourselves later on as a result when we are the MIL. In this thread alone there are a couple of shining examples of plain petty; these are the examples vintage, aliss and me are really focusing on. Not the genuine "my MIL is a PITA" examples.

 

[tommyg]

What would you see as petty?

Remember one thing in isolation might not be the full picture.

 

[Saphira]

If you (general) have good reason to dislike your MIL, you shouldn't be offended by those of us with only boys wondering just how petty some other women can be as DILs and fearing for ourselves later on as a result when we are the MIL. In this thread alone there are a couple of shining examples of plain petty; these are the examples vintage, aliss and me are really focusing on. Not the genuine "my MIL is a PITA" examples.

I personally don't feel I need to justify my feelings of frustration/nervousness when my mother/father in law come over by listing reasons online.. I'll keep my post as is. Everyone's situation is different and no one else should judge it as "petty" from the outside.

My daughter will never be kept from her grandparents. They see her 1-2 times a week and we are all on good terms with one another. Does that mean I always feel comfortable when certain situations come about? Nope.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Surely some of the examples even stand-alone are petty. I shouldn't have to point them out lol. They speak for themselves, history or not, and some examples even say (paraphrased) "I know it's wrong lol but I can't help myself", which says to me there's no good reason and it's just "because".

 

[susywoosy]

Oh my! You have just described me in a nutshell, haha. I used to get on quite well with both of them, but now they are irritating the hell out of me, especially MIL. I can't even really explain why! Little things she says or the way she says them makes me feel like she's criticizing my parenting, particularly since I started FF. That and the fact she literally WILL NOT PUT DS DOWN from the moment we arrive at their place to the moment we leave. They hardly got to see their first grandchild because of family issues, so now it's like they won't let this one out of their sight! If we don't see them for one day out of the week they (well, MIL in particular) are calling up to ask why.

Then again, my feelings are probably increased because I lost my Mum six years ago, so I'm missing out on her support and just getting an earful from OH's instead!

Its so funny u should feel like this as i've often thot my newly irritated feelings toward MIL stems from the fact i lost my mum 4 years ago and that i feel angry that my mums not here to support me and spend time with DD. i got on so well with my in laws for years, then my DD arrives and i get so jealous and irritated by things she says and does. i've convinced myself she doesnt like me and plays nice just to get her hands on my daughter. totally irrational but just how she makes me ferl x

 

[pinklightbulb]

And I don't have a good relationship with my MIL either-- but it was me questioning myself about why that made me see I was not being fair. I can admit it and I've now made much more of an effort. I flew home across the country on Xmas Eve because my MIL fried my brain so much, and like I said, in hindsight, it was a selfish thing for me to do. OH and Eamon missed out on Xmas with their mother and grandmother because of me and my insecurities. I regret it very much now.

 

[SJP82]

I've been following this post with a lot of interest as it's not the MIL that gets my goat, it's actually the FIL. He is just totally smothering from the moment I enter the house, in her face straightaway, and I just want to shout just back off and give the poor child some space! He would rather let her cry in his arms until she falls asleep into submission and then look at me smugly after half hour as though he has the magic touch. Quite frankly I find it totally and utterly selfish. My comments of, she's hungry, or I'll take her now fall completely on deaf ears, and it's that ignorant self righteous attitude that I detest. If it were my parents, I would feel a lot more comfortable saying something, but for sake of family politics I have to bite my tongue.

I'm in my 30's so certainly don't fall into the 'young mum' category, however I do perhaps think that the relationship breakdown between new mum and in-laws is perhaps due to a shift in generation upbringing.

We all rant about inlaws...they had in-laws too when they had babies. It does make me wonder why some of them can behave in the way that they do given that it must have frustrated the hell out of them when they were once in our position? Did they not want to scream 'please leave me be and let me parent in my own way?' If not, then why not? I honestly think it's because women in those days weren't as independent as today's woman. They relied a lot more on the man in the family, they were a lot younger when they had children, and to be honest, they were probably a lot more used to just being told what to do, and doing it without question. This attitude has shifted a lot in the past few decades, so for all you concerned mums of boys only, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. So long as the mother of a child's wishes are respected, and boundaries are not overstepped, I see no reason why animosity should arise. Be there to help if asked, but just don't suffocate them with your good intentions, no matter how well meaning.

 

[tucker07]

i dont really like it when ppl hold my lo either! i have to sit right there. and wont let certain ppl hold him. i secretly like that right now hes not letting some ppl hold him

 

[jenniferttc1]

I must be a shit mom.....I let everyone hold him. I don't get jealous at all.