Why am I jealous/Iritated when in-laws hold my baby...

[eulmh82]

I'm the same!!!!!!! I thought it was because they were my husband's family but I'm fine with his grandparents aunt and cousins it;s just my MIL and FIL. Their comments just irritate me - I swear they are fighting for top place with my LO. I had to stop them coming over at one point as they were over 5 times a week - just dropping stuff off and my LO was taken off me a lot especially when he cried and then she gets annoyed when I get stressed that I dobn;t ask her for help. i wouldn;t mind HELP but what I do not want is somebody else taking over my child! I am very protective over what I see is my territory - my house - I do not like somebody else doing my washing and commenting on my knickers - nor do i like being gievn some different dishcloths becayse she doesn;t like mine. Nor do I like the constant questions of "ios he ok like that" wouldn;t you prefer to do it this way - if I would bloody prefer to do it that way I;d be doing it that way wouldn;t I! My FIL suggested last week that I would need to take my dummy off my LO as his teeth won;t come through - der coz you see a lot of toothless 2 yr olds with dummies. He only has it to sleep btw and when he;s old enough to bargain it in for something I will be doing. MY FIL also told me I couldn;t give my 15 wk old baby a rattle that is suitable from birth in case he hit his head. I'll just sit in him a little crash helmet then shall i!

 

[eulmh82]

and you are so right with the comment of <MIL has had her chance now she needs to let me mother my own son! I'm mad again with her thinking about it! GRRRRRRRRRR

 

[Ganton]

I agree that this isn't about who the person is, but how they are. My own mum picked up my sleeping baby today and deliberately tried to wake him up. Half an hour later, a very upset and tired baby was handed back to me. I was equally annoyed with that as I would be if it had been my MIL. The only difference is that I feel more able to tell my mum that I'm not happy with what she did, and ask her not to do it again.

 

[erikab922]

I get so upset and stressed out when my in-laws come over, once I had to leave the room with the excuse that I needed to express milk but in reality I was sobbing at the thought of them being with her. FIL (actually DH's stepfather) is an illiterate a-hole who keeps going on about how he can't wait until she's older and he can take her fishing. Over my dead body, the guy gives me the creeps. My MIL is a perfectly nice and well-meaning lady but she has made terrible life choices (choice of husband for one thing, who she married mere months after the death of her first husband just so she could have someone to help her with her kids, never mind that he bullied the crap out of all of them) and I don't trust her with my baby. They were over once when the midwife came to make her visit when LO was a week old and MIL was doing everything wrong. Lucky for me the midwife was the one to point it all out to her.. 'I know we used to do it this way but it's not safe, you need to do it like this' for everything she was doing. MIL is nice but dim and was unfortunate to have had a terrible, abusive childhood so is not very 'motherly'. I always make a point to say to my husband 'I'm not picking on your mother, I'd be the same way with my mom if she did these things'. I guess that's an easy thing to say when my mom is 4000 miles away though.

 

[losingtheplot]

Shit, i must be an awful mother as i am happy to pass my babies around eekk! my Mil was waiting outside the room when i had my last two babies and held them for me while i had a shower! But my MIl is awesome and very laid back and does not question my parenting at all!

But something happened the other day that i never thought would bother me, ok so when my LO chews on my mums or best friends fingers it feels fine they are family but the other day a not so much friend, but lady i know popped in for a cuppa and ask to hold the baby fine yes she loves attention so anyway she lets her start chewing on her fingers and seriously i thought i was going to be sick it was awful! so we all have things that make us feel horrible! i honestly did not know how to get my baby back quick enough <shudder> x x x

 

[eulmh82]

Shit, i must be an awful mother as i am happy to pass my babies around eekk! my Mil was waiting outside the room when i had my last two babies and held them for me while i had a shower! But my MIl is awesome and very laid back and does not question my parenting at all!

But something happened the other day that i never thought would bother me, ok so when my LO chews on my mums or best friends fingers it feels fine they are family but the other day a not so much friend, but lady i know popped in for a cuppa and ask to hold the baby fine yes she loves attention so anyway she lets her start chewing on her fingers and seriously i thought i was going to be sick it was awful! so we all have things that make us feel horrible! i honestly did not know how to get my baby back quick enough <shudder> x x x

That would bother me. My MIL keeps kissing LO's head and it drives me mad -I know she;s his grandma but I hinestly think she;s pretending he;s hers!

 

[Saphira]

I experienced the exact same thing and really believe its primal. My biggest piece of advice is to not burn bridges during this phase because one day LO will be independent and you will be grateful if the in-laws can offer you a break.

No one knows LO in those first tender months like Mommy does. Its no coincidence that newborns cling to Mommy and have no social-interaction interest. Mommy reads baby's early signals and knows what they require; in-laws tend to ignore signals until baby is screaming down the house because they dont want to give LO up. This is very distressful for both Mommy and baby, who just want to be with each other.

( Baby believes their survival is being jeopardized by being separated from Mommy; Mommy feels hollow and lost without comforting Baby in her arms, her heart literally aches.)

Some more advice: learn to be assertive! The most dangerous animal in nature is Mama with babies, for good reason. Your in-laws are triggering this primitive Mama Bear in you so use it to tell them to back off. This is intimidating for new mommies but it gets easier once you start asserting yourself more.

(The trick is asserting yourself firmly and politely when your primitive Mama Bear just wants to rip someone's face off!)

It will pass, ladies. Its natural for Mama and Baby to want to be close right now so stay in close proximity for when your LO needs you, and dont ever allow anyone to pressure you into something you arent comfortable with.

Trust your instinct. You are the Mommy, you have the control.

This makes SO much sense! I couldn't have thought of a better explanation for this feeling. Thanks Jenna Lynn! I don't feel so strange for feeling the way I do anymore. I'm going to have my husband read this tonight so he can see where I'm coming from better. I truly do like both of his parents, they're both great people and I mean that. That's why it was such a mystery to me when I began feeling frustrated/upset/nervous when we see them - my daughter is ripped away from me (how I see it) and her signals often go ignored. I must say though, things are getting better thankfully.

Wanted to add - I'm living abroad so my mom doesn't have much relation with her granddaughter. When she was here to visit for a couple weeks there are a few things that frustrated me too (for example, my daughter was crying because she was overtired and I tried to take her from my mom a few times and she kept trying to handle it.. ) So, this isn't me just mother in law bashing! The difference would be that I can tell my own mom what bothers me but it's not that easy to tell my mother in law in fear she'd take it the wrong way or be upset at me.. just to clarify.

 

[tommyg]

I agree that this isn't about who the person is, but how they are. My own mum picked up my sleeping baby today and deliberately tried to wake him up. Half an hour later, a very upset and tired baby was handed back to me. I was equally annoyed with that as I would be if it had been my MIL. The only difference is that I feel more able to tell my mum that I'm not happy with what she did, and ask her not to do it again.

My MIL has done this twice, first time I'd walked the wee man to sleep and the second time we were staying at their house and she came into the room at 8.00 to lift him while we slept "too keep him in his routine" what f'ing routine we were baby led and routine random. I woke to find DH say something to her and her lifting him and was too tired to know what to do. But I see it as another act of her selfishness wanting time with LO without me. It is another reason why I don't trust her.

How would I have felt if my own mother had done this...probably equally upset...and see the act as putting her own wants over LO's needs.

 

[pinklightbulb]

That would bother me. My MIL keeps kissing LO's head and it drives me mad -I know she;s his grandma but I hinestly think she;s pretending he;s hers!

Really?
Grandma can't even kiss LO without it being an issue?!
I'm with vintage. I hope my sons turn out gay.

 

[Arlee]

Well I am living the dream ladies! I just told my Mother in law yesterday that she is no longer allowed to see my children! I won't go into why too much, as it is too much to tell, but the last straw was when she said I wasn't allowed to attend my sister in laws wedding, and my Husband would have to go without me, bacause my sister in law doesn't want babies at her wedding. I am still breastfeeding so I can't leave the baby as she doesn't take a bottle at all and she also has seperation anxiety. So no more mother in law for me! Yay! My Husband is totally in agreeance and supporting me which is awesome.

 

[jenniferttc1]

I hope my future DIL doesnt not feel this way about me holding their baby Seems like alot of MILs get pushed to the side and just not important. Makes me feel really sad as a mother to a little boy.

 

[lu-is]

I agree that this isn't about who the person is, but how they are. My own mum picked up my sleeping baby today and deliberately tried to wake him up. Half an hour later, a very upset and tired baby was handed back to me. I was equally annoyed with that as I would be if it had been my MIL. The only difference is that I feel more able to tell my mum that I'm not happy with what she did, and ask her not to do it again.

My MIL has done this twice, first time I'd walked the wee man to sleep and the second time we were staying at their house and she came into the room at 8.00 to lift him while we slept "too keep him in his routine" what f'ing routine we were baby led and routine random. I woke to find DH say something to her and her lifting him and was too tired to know what to do. But I see it as another act of her selfishness wanting time with LO without me. It is another reason why I don't trust her.

How would I have felt if my own mother had done this...probably equally upset...and see the act as putting her own wants over LO's needs.

I agree, there are things my own mother says and does with my LO that make me roll my eyes too or make me very frustrated. I think a major difference between my mom and MIL is that my MIL lives near us and my own mother lives in a different city so we don't actually see her near as often.

 

[Angelz79]

I think us mothers with sons just need to remember these feelings when we become the MIL. The majority here agree it is not actually their MIL they have the negative feelings towards, it's their MIL's actions which are perceived as selfish. When our own mothers behave the same way, we are comfortable enough to say what's on our mind and personally, my mother understands and listens. From what I read here, very few of us feel comfortable speaking our mind to our MILs so instead we bottle it up for fear of offending the ILs and keeping the peace.

 

[nicb26]

I'm the same, even though I like my inlaws! I'm with her 24/7, dh doesn't do much baby care, so I feel like she's mine (I know that's wrong) and always just want her back. I wasn't like it when she was newborn, but as she's grown so has our bond, and I hate being away from her now.

 

[Saphira]

I think us mothers with sons just need to remember these feelings when we become the MIL. The majority here agree it is not actually their MIL they have the negative feelings towards, it's their MIL's actions which are perceived as selfish. When our own mothers behave the same way, we are comfortable enough to say what's on our mind and personally, my mother understands and listens. From what I read here, very few of us feel comfortable speaking our mind to our MILs so instead we bottle it up for fear of offending the ILs and keeping the peace.

See, that's just it. I don't feel like women with sons need to worry about the future. Respect your future daughter in law/s and try to be as easy to talk to as you can for them and there shouldn't be an issue..

 

[lisa1980]

I think it's partly down to how they behave but it's also down to how comfortable you feel with saying what's on your mind to them, which is often harder with ILs as it's not the same relationship as you have with your own parents.

I'm lucky and my MIL is great. She is generally very easy to get on with and I can speak my mind with her, and she's supportive of decisions I make for LO. She sometimes does things that grate on me slightly, but no more than anyone else tbh, and most of the time it's just me being over-hormonal or over-tired and cranky rather than her fault. I think if she was like som eof the MILs I read about on here then we'd have much more of a problem, but she never purposely tried to undermine me. If anything, my family are more likely to be overbearing on many occasions. I try to make sure that my ILs get as much time with LO as my parents as I know they love him to pieces and I don't want them to feel excluded, but it is tricky to balance sometimes.

I hope to have a similar relationship with my DIL if my LO has a family

 

[aliss]

I now hope neither of my sons marry or they are both gay.

I am so sick of this. I am glad that you all can come somewhere and vent, but agree with some of the other posters. As a mother with two sons, this is terribly depressing, disheartening and disconcerting.

I totally agree with you and I've got only boys too (and probably only will as this is the last planned).

Some girls, okay, I understand. But sometimes girls, you are just completely OTT.

Perhaps it has a lot to do with some girls being new mothers, being insecure about their authority as a mother, and feel a direct "challenge" from their MILs, I don't know.

 

[Victoriaaa]

im the same, and then they make me feel bad for holding him while im there etc, or feeding him etc. Finally spoke up the other day, and will be doing more often if needed. I asked to feed him once and they looked am me like i was the devil and sulked. If i want him back i will. People have had their times with their babies.. now its time for us to have ours.

For me its nothing to do with thinking of my inlaws as competition or a challenge.. i get on really well with them but i not going to be shunned for wanting to hold/feed them if i want to if their with us. Simple

 

[charleosgirl]

I don't have issues with IL's but with having their only granddaughter I noticed they say how's my girl, (actually my own mom does this too) and especially MIL takes her without asking, offered to babysit when they were visiting so I could run some errands. I said no that's fine cause she's with me all the time. I know they love her so much and miss her but there are some boundaries, I am flexible though for the most part and try to consider their feelings., if she just wants me or if I don't want others to hold or feed her. I'd say with IL's there is always going to be a bit of a balancing act no matter how well you get on.

 

[aliss]

I personally don't understand when people get offended by the "my baby" part.

My MIL has always called my boy "mon bébé d'amour" which literally translates to "my love baby". I thought it's cute. She knows it's not her baby