Why am I jealous/Iritated when in-laws hold my baby...

[RedRose]

I'd like to share my thoughts even though I don't really feel qualified- we have a strained relationship with PIL but it is 'well justified' and instigated by my husband, so it doesn't feel like our relationship is strained because of *my* issues, iyswim?

But I stand by what I said earlier, and I think that in general PIL do come on stronger than others because they are so aware of being family outsiders. And this of course could alienate a new mother, regardless of her age.

In this thread we have seen the mums accused of being insecure and threatened, but I would go so far as to say that it is actually MIL who behaves as though she is threatened and feels insecure of her place in her sons new family.

You can see it happening already in this thread, mums of baby boys wishing they were gay so there was no 'evil' DIL on the scene.

I realise that it's a bit like the chicken and the egg and whose 'issues' came first, but I have to say in my experience it is the MIL who alienates the DIL through her insecurity in her role as grandparent and also her changing role as parent to her son.

I think if MIL's could only relax in their trust that they have raised their son to pick a good partner, and is secure enough to give her adult children the space they need while maintaining support, they would have a much closer and more genuine relationship with their DILs.

 

[RedRose]

(sorry to post again but I'm on my phone and can't add anything to the end of my previous post)

Also, I don't think it's necessary for our mums and our MILs to have an 'equal' relationship with us. I think it is natural and makes sense to me that when we become mothers we become closer to our own mother- who better to support you on this new journey than the person who went through the same journey years earlier with you? It's cyclical and should continue down the generations. I think it's really beneficial for everyone to have a good relationship with your MIL, but I don't think that it can be or should be equal to that of our mums.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I've never said DILs were evil, not once. (Seen a LOT of MIL is evil on these boards, however.)
And yes, of course and naturally MIL may feel threatened. "OH" is still her son and "LO" is still her grandchild, and she knows she comes second to DIL's own mother and even her own son now that he has a family of his own. Who wouldn't feel threatened by that?

I know I would/will one day, no matter how nice I am to DIL, I will always be the "second" mother/grandmother. And it's going to hurt. A lot. If that comes across, I will be truly sorry and will apologize for it, but the facts remain that paternal family is often overshadowed and overlooked by the maternal side.

Just putting another view-- MIL's, no matter how mean or nasty she is or how uncomfortable DIL feels around her. This is most likely the reason why. No doubt DIL feels threatened, but for MIL, it is quite possibly worse.

 

[Jennifurball]

I only feel this way about my MIL, and I have good reasons.

1.) She won't let anyone else hold my son

2.) She actually said "no, he's fine" to me when he was fussing and I went to take him back

3.) She literally races me to him whenever he wakes up from his nap. Literally.

I finally had enough when we had a small get together at her house. He was being really fussy that day and she offered to put him down to sleep for me while I ate, and I agreed because I just returned from work and was quite hungry. After about 20 minutes, I go to check on him and she is standing over him trying to make him go to sleep on his stomach with a blanket wrapped over his head!! I scolded her and told her that he could suffocate with the blanket, and he is supposed to be on his back! He wasn't even sleepy. His eyes were wide and he was looking around contently. I took him back to the party and he eventually fell asleep in my arms. But she kept glaring at me the whole time.

What I am trying to say is that it seems like I have to compete to be able to care for my son. She needs to let me mother my baby, as she had her chance to mother all three of her children.


You girls are not alone with this feeling! It's terrible!

I was going to read the whole thread before replying but then I saw this! I am absolutely appalled by that. My MIL is no better, she put Scarlett in a sleep bag for an 18 month old with a blanket on the other day, we have been over the blanket thing sooooooooo many times with her. I don't even know why she had a sleep bag for an 18 month old, she is 7 weeks old! This is the person who DEMANDED I use a sleep bag on her at 4 days old, the one she gave to me was for a 3-6 month old. I honestly don't get her logic.

She also sucks Scarlett's dummy before giving it to her, that is one thing that makes me heave, even I wouldn't do it and I am her mum. How on earth is someone's mouth cleaner than it just dropping out onto the sofa, in the cot etc?

I guess I feel sorry for the MIL's who have done nothing wrong but from my experience and stories from my sister with her MIL, they are just overbearing and feel they have something to prove because they aren't the mother of the child's mother and my MIL from day 1 has made out I do everything wrong. She sterilises the bottles and guesses how much water to use so I have to do it all again. I keep telling OH to speak to her because if I do it will get nasty because I have had so much crap from that side of the family and I am sick of it. My sister said my MIL was even giving my mum filthy looks when she first held Scarlett in the hospital, that is low. She is my mum's grandchild as much as hers FFS.

She is also rough with Scarlett when she cries, she holds the dummy in her mouth really hard and rocks her violently and thinks putting her in a million layers will make her sleep better, yes, permanently if you don't effing stop.

I have even told my mum she can't sit her when I return to work because MIL will expect the same, so I am having to pay for childcare simply because she does not listen to me or respect my wishes with how I wish to care for my baby.

I knew I shouldn't have come on this thread, my blood is boiling for me and everyone else now!

 

[eulmh82]

I'd like to share my thoughts even though I don't really feel qualified- we have a strained relationship with PIL but it is 'well justified' and instigated by my husband, so it doesn't feel like our relationship is strained because of *my* issues, iyswim?

But I stand by what I said earlier, and I think that in general PIL do come on stronger than others because they are so aware of being family outsiders. And this of course could alienate a new mother, regardless of her age.

In this thread we have seen the mums accused of being insecure and threatened, but I would go so far as to say that it is actually MIL who behaves as though she is threatened and feels insecure of her place in her sons new family.

You can see it happening already in this thread, mums of baby boys wishing they were gay so there was no 'evil' DIL on the scene.

I realise that it's a bit like the chicken and the egg and whose 'issues' came first, but I have to say in my experience it is the MIL who alienates the DIL through her insecurity in her role as grandparent and also her changing role as parent to her son.

I think if MIL's could only relax in their trust that they have raised their son to pick a good partner, and is secure enough to give her adult children the space they need while maintaining support, they would have a much closer and more genuine relationship with their DILs.

You are soooooooooooo right and you have worded my opinion in a much more articulate way than I ever could have. My MIL has been overbearing in insisting i call her if I need help - the implication is before my own mum. I feel like she is fighting for my spot when you;re right it;s clearly her who is insecure! I guess boys don;t talk to their mums as much as girls so she is always going to be the second one I go to! She's been in tears on many occasions apparently because she's not been included as much as she wants to be - the fact is I took her to look at houses when we were looking, she came to help me pick my wedding dress, she;s stayed over night once when LO was going mad. I don;t think I could include her more than I do but she;s the one who is threatened - I thought it was me who was threatened but I see it now it;s her!!!!! I have a little boy but I really hope I can learn from this experience and do my best for my future DIL and any grandchildren
I will not: 1) keep asking if the baby is "ok like that"
2) ask my daughter in law if she would prefer to do it this way - ie my way
3) give my DIL new dishcloths because I don;t like hers
4) go through my DIL's washing and laugh at her knickers
5) snatch my grandson away from my DIL
6) insist that my DIL can't cope when actually she's doing just as good a job as any other new mum
7)make fun of my DIL for worrying about baby's weight gain
8)talk to the baby as a way of questioning my DIL's mothering techniques
9) make comments on housekeeping
10) tell random people that she thinks she can do it all by herself

think that's the end.... I need to remember all of these things because I don;t want to get my DIL's back up like mine has been got up.

 

[vmaddoxx]

I am in the same boat! I dont mind anyone else but my mil holding my daughter. She waits to 'pounce' on my daughter and I just cant stand it. She wants to do everything with her and for her and exclude me at every cost. I know that it is totally unreasonable and makes no sense, I am pushing my mother in law away and burning some bridges here. I wish that I wasnt. My daughter is 18 months and I am still feeling this way. What do I do? any idea why I feel this way? I wish I didnt.

 

[stephalie]

I get that way somewhat. I get annoyed because my MIL takes him from the second I come into the house or she enters mine until I leave. I don't mind that as much as I mind how badly she over stimulates him. He'll cry often because she is forcing herself on him too much or doing too many stimulating things and he just cries. When I try to take him she will practically run away and my DH has to pry him free. THAT is what annoys me the most.

 

[nadream247]

COMPLETELY AGREE. my dad and step-mom were just here visiting and the minute my 6 week old started crying, my step-mom goes, "oh no sounds like she wants her nana!" and she went and grabbed her before I could even say anything, and she tried to soothe her but just did everything wrong. and even if I had picked her up and couldn't get her to stop crying right away, at least I would know that I'm doing that things that usually soothe MY daughter -- I'm not just stuffing a pacifer in her mouth and rocking her back and forth while she is screaming crying (like she did!). AND then she has the nerve to tell me "I'll calm her down" when I go over to her (after cringing for a minute to let her "try) and she turns away from me with my baby. This is SO aggrevating. But on the other hand I feel guilty because they come to visit just to see her, but honeslty, why can't they enjoy her when she isn't crying - why does she have to want to take her when she is crying? next time I'm going to say something to her - or I'm thinking of even saying something BEFORE they come, about how important the bond between mother and baby are and that my breasts start to pulse (i'm breastfeeding) when she cries so I need to take her because she is MY daughter! I also only feel this way with certain people, so far it's just with my step-mom! will see about MIL in a few weeks!

 

[onetwothreebp]

I had about 8 different people to reply to before I noticed this post was almost a year old. I'm just going to slowly back out of this thread... as a mother to a son, I get defensive about in-law bashing!

 

[twobecome3]

I was a nervous wreck staying at the inlaws up until recently. the first time we stayed over they hogged the baby, didn't want to give her back when she was upset, bossy bossy bossy, and kept her up way past her bedtime. she screamed the house down. I was so pissed I barely said a word to them the next day, and we left early. even vowed on the way home that they would have to come visit us from then on. talked to my mom about it and she made a good point - everyones just trying to find their way with the new baby. and I needed to speak up cuz ppl cant guess how I feel, and they just think they are 'helping' by hanging on to her when shes fussy. so I talked to my H about it and we agreed that he will take the baby back whenever shes upset and we will all be going up to bed around 5-6 pm. so over the next few visits it got easier and i got less anxious. i still get a bit uncomfortable sometimes when they are holding her so i just go into the other room and watch tv so LO doesn't pick up on it. i don't feel this way at all when they come to ours. just when we stay over there im out of my element, i just try to stick to our routine as much as possible. i think its just easier with my own mom cuz she can read me like a book so she knows when somethings upsetting me. also i think MIL's tend to be bossy out of habit because boys tend to need more social direction. ie. H's mom still texts him to remind him to call his sister, grandma, dad, etc on their birthdays. she plans all their get-togethers, meals, activities, etc (just like im the social director at our house) so it just kind of carries over onto the new baby when we're there as she's used to running the scene at her home.

another factor for the MIL/DIL rift is menopause starting round the same time the new baby arrives. so her hormone shift meeting our hormone shift. my MIL has been really intense/strange lately. SIL came over last week and WENT OFF in a megarant about how needy/lost/crazy shes been, calling/texting SIL constantly, crying for no reason, etc.

i hope that made sense, im sleepy.

 

[twobecome3]

I had about 8 different people to reply to before I noticed this post was almost a year old. I'm just going to slowly back out of this thread... as a mother to a son, I get defensive about in-law bashing!

ohhh geez i didn't realize this was an ancient post