Why am I jealous/Iritated when in-laws hold my baby...

[lu-is]

I get really stressed and iritated when my in-laws come to visit, some of it is due to issues with my sister in law (she's got some mental issues and her, my husband, and I don't get along but that is a whole other story), and some of it just seems to have sprung up since the birth of my little guy.

I think my MIL and FIL are both nice and we get on okay but when either of them are holding my little boy or talking to him I feel really jealous or anxious and just want to hold him myself again. I feel like some of their comments get on my nerves and I end up counting down the minutes until they leave. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Is there some sort of hormonal reason I could be feeling like this?

I'm okay when my mother holds him and I do let my MIL hold my son but I really want to get him back as soon as possible... I don't like feeling this way.

They keep on hinting that they want to come baby sit him (they hint a lot)and I panic when I think about it.

 

[Irish Eyes]

I'm exactly the same! There are some people that I get really annoyed with when they're holding him & I watch their every move. One SIL I don't mind but MIL & the other SIL I can't stand holding him. Everytime it happens I have to tell myself that I'm being completely unreasonable - hopefully I'll stop feeling like this soon.

MIL has asked that she looks after LO when I go back to work and she'll charge us less than a nursery but that thought makes me feel physically sick. No idea why I feel like this!

 

[060509.x]

I feel a little weird when some people hold her, when she was first born I wasn't attached at all, I let anyone who asked, stupid I know.

Now, I just feel jealous and want her back when others have her. I don't get why I have her 24/7! And I know the people who hold her are trustworthy.

 

[little_lady]

I get irritated when people treat Isabelle like an object and moan that they haven't had a "turn" at holding her. It's not about them!

Having said that, there is a tendency for us mums to be a bit unreasonable, it probably is hormones and the fact we're so attached to our babies. As isabelle has got older I haven't minded so much as she'sore independent anyway.

 

[Twinks]

I'm the same! Ims fine with certain people holding him but MIL (whom I get on with well) I don't like holding him. I think it's because she comes round and just takes him straight away out of my arms and then hangs onto him for ages even when he's crying lots. I need to be more confident at saying I'll have him back now me thinks! Hope this feeling does pass cause I don't like it.

 

[Angelz79]

I'm so relieved I'm not alone here. I have no problem with anyone else holding LO, except my in-laws. They are perfectly nice and we get along well, but I just feel like my MIL is just waiting to snatch him up the first chance she gets. I understand she's family, but she hovers while I'm nursing just waiting to take him. We were at a family gathering last week and I finished nursing, handed LO to my OH to burp, and she walked over, just took LO from him without saying a word and walked into the other room to "show him off" to the other relatives. I thought that was MY job since I did put in 9 months carrying him and then pushed him of my body!

 

[klabro]

I feel exactly the same way. The first time we went over to their house after LO was born it took everything I had not to snatch her back out of MIL arms. I don't feel this way about my own mom holding her and I really do like MIL. I think a lot of it for me is that my mom gives LO back when she cries or thinks she needs to eat but MIL will just sit there with her while she is fussy until I have to go take her back. I know its irrational but I can't help it. Hopefully I calm down soon

 

[jenfirstbaby]

I feel like this with OHs family, not just his parents. I think ots because they all want to hold her so she's being. Passed about. X

 

[hansolo]

Oh my! You have just described me in a nutshell, haha. I used to get on quite well with both of them, but now they are irritating the hell out of me, especially MIL. I can't even really explain why! Little things she says or the way she says them makes me feel like she's criticizing my parenting, particularly since I started FF. That and the fact she literally WILL NOT PUT DS DOWN from the moment we arrive at their place to the moment we leave. They hardly got to see their first grandchild because of family issues, so now it's like they won't let this one out of their sight! If we don't see them for one day out of the week they (well, MIL in particular) are calling up to ask why.

Then again, my feelings are probably increased because I lost my Mum six years ago, so I'm missing out on her support and just getting an earful from OH's instead!

 

[misse04]

I'm exactly the same still and my LO is one! lol I dont like sharing but fine with my mum I really dont know what it is x

 

[Irish Eyes]

I've just realised why reading these replies make me so concerned. None of us have good reasons as to why we feel like this, the MILs haven't actually done anything wrong.

One day I'm going to be the MIL and a thread like this will be written about me

 

[AP]

I used to be the same, I've eased up a bit now though!

As for babysitting you are under no-obligation to give up your LO so they can babysit, only do it when you are ready

 

[Ganton]

I felt exactly the same way around my MIL today. She kept looking across to see if he was still feeding and just kept saying "I'll take him off you when he's finished feeding if you want", except I knew she didn't really mean the "if you want" bit! She seemed annoyed that he was taking so long.

The problem I have is that she gives a lot of advice, but in a way that you can't really disagree with, and I'm too shy around her to speak up for myself. I normally just nod and agree, but I feel like I need to be able to assert myself if I don't agree with the way she's doing something with my baby.

When MIL was holding my baby today, he started sucking his fingers in a way that I instantly know means he's hungry. I know I only have 11 days experience with my baby, but I've quickly learnt his feeding signs. I felt like I had to justify myself though to get him back and my MIL made a comment about the fact that I was talking to her as if she'd never had children.

 

[mistyscott]

Yep, totally get this feeling - but mine is with the nanny in-law! My mil is absolutely lovely, but has twin 11yr olds so we don't see her much. My hubby's nanny on the other hand has WAY too much time on her hands, and is totally head over heels for LO. I should be really grateful she loves him so much, but I find it really grates on me and at family occasions I pretend not to hear her requesting to hold LO and give him to his nanny as quick as poss!

She's always calling herself 'nanny' to LO, and I always correct her and say 'great nanny'. She also has an annoying habit of saying 'what's your mummy doing to you?' if he cries while I'm holding/feeding/dressing/playing with him. Um, I'm being his MUMMY!

Sorry, rant over....

 

[mrs.amillian]

I used to be the same, I've eased up a bit now though!

As for babysitting you are under no-obligation to give up your LO so they can babysit, only do it when you are ready

This is reassuring, I know my MIL would love Tessa on her own, even offered to have her when I go back to work, it's not going to happen mainly cause I will do one shift a week.
She looked really disappointed when I said this, but my feelings of possesiveness have only increased since her birth.

On thursday we had friends round, and one of the girls put her babies toy on the play gym to dangle, after a while Tessa was playing with it and she took it off the gym and put it in her bag.
I know she was only slowly packing up to go, and didn't even realise what she's done but I was so so annoyed, my poor baby was having a great time and all of a sudden the toy had gone!
I'm being completely irrational and no malice was meant but I really felt for my babe, who has completely forgotten about it, lol

 

[liz1985]

I used to feel a little like this, then one day it suddenly clicked, that one day my son ( probably) will have a wife and a baby, and I'll be the mil, and it really upset me to think that I'd see my grandchildren less because I have a son instead of a daughter, and that I'd have a dil writing about she hates it when I hold her baby, and she doesn't want me seeing it.

Now I try to make sure in laws have just as much time with LO as my parents do because I know they love him just as much, and now I've started to think how lucky LO is to have so many people who love him, when some children don't have anyone.

It's different if someone gives you a reason Not to want them near LO and I know relationships with in laws can be hard.

 

[Jenna Lynn]

I experienced the exact same thing and really believe its primal. My biggest piece of advice is to not burn bridges during this phase because one day LO will be independent and you will be grateful if the in-laws can offer you a break.

No one knows LO in those first tender months like Mommy does. Its no coincidence that newborns cling to Mommy and have no social-interaction interest. Mommy reads baby's early signals and knows what they require; in-laws tend to ignore signals until baby is screaming down the house because they dont want to give LO up. This is very distressful for both Mommy and baby, who just want to be with each other.

( Baby believes their survival is being jeopardized by being separated from Mommy; Mommy feels hollow and lost without comforting Baby in her arms, her heart literally aches.)

Some more advice: learn to be assertive! The most dangerous animal in nature is Mama with babies, for good reason. Your in-laws are triggering this primitive Mama Bear in you so use it to tell them to back off. This is intimidating for new mommies but it gets easier once you start asserting yourself more.

(The trick is asserting yourself firmly and politely when your primitive Mama Bear just wants to rip someone's face off!)

It will pass, ladies. Its natural for Mama and Baby to want to be close right now so stay in close proximity for when your LO needs you, and dont ever allow anyone to pressure you into something you arent comfortable with.

Trust your instinct. You are the Mommy, you have the control.

 

[mrs.amillian]

I experienced the exact same thing and really believe its primal. My biggest piece of advice is to not burn bridges during this phase because one day LO will be independent and you will be grateful if the in-laws can offer you a break.

No one knows LO in those first tender months like Mommy does. Its no coincidence that newborns cling to Mommy and have no social-interaction interest. Mommy reads baby's early signals and knows what they require; in-laws tend to ignore signals until baby is screaming down the house because they dont want to give LO up. This is very distressful for both Mommy and baby, who just want to be with each other.

( Baby believes their survival is being jeopardized by being separated from Mommy; Mommy feels hollow and lost without comforting Baby in her arms, her heart literally aches.)

Some more advice: learn to be assertive! The most dangerous animal in nature is Mama with babies, for good reason. Your in-laws are triggering this primitive Mama Bear in you so use it to tell them to back off. This is intimidating for new mommies but it gets easier once you start asserting yourself more.

(The trick is asserting yourself firmly and politely when your primitive Mama Bear just wants to rip someone's face off!)

It will pass, ladies. Its natural for Mama and Baby to want to be close right now so stay in close proximity for when your LO needs you, and dont ever allow anyone to pressure you into something you arent comfortable with.

Trust your instinct. You are the Mommy, you have the control.

This ^^ it's like a physical ache, it's horrid!

 

[Pinky00]

Ooh I'm glad it's not me, my MIL is a lovely lady who I've never had any issue with but when she holds LO and he cries, she will try anything and everything to soothe him barr passing him back to me or DH!!!

Yes she is an experienced mum, but no one knows our LO like we do. I hate seeing him cry to the point where he can't catch his breath, no amount of bouncing, rocking or singing to him will help, he just wants us!

I loathe to be pushy and ask for him back as I don't want to offend, but when she says "oh he has wind pain" I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "no he hasn't, he is overtired and just wants us"

Arggggh ok, rant over, I feel better!

 

[pinklightbulb]

I used to be like this till I realized one day that MIL will be me, twice, as I have no girls. Then I was really sad and tbh it was one of the reasons I had gender disappointment with my second son. Unfortunately the old saying "a son is a son till he takes his wife, a daughter is always a daughter for life" seems like it's very true from the amount of MIL bashing threads on here, particularly the ones where MIL truly hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes, I am very sensitive about this subject. Ladies with girls won't understand, not even if they have a boy as well-- it's scariest when you have only boys and see MILs being vilified for just being, well, themselves and not the OP's mother/family There is just some outright hatred for MILs that really I feel is not deserved a lot!

And before anyone asks yes I had such a row with my MIL that I flew home with my toddler on Christmas Eve six hours across the country. (Obviously we were supposed to be spending Christmas there with MIL.) Seven months on, I feel horrible about it. OH doesn't really get on with her, but that's not the point. MIL never gets to see Eamon and has never seen Liam but I was still selfish enough to ruin Christmas.

At the time it seemed perfectly rational I should take my son and leave as I felt threatened. In hindsight, it was a terrible thing to do. The heat of the moment is a funny thing, I guess I'm trying to say. It's not easy to learn to deal with it but it is a very useful quality to have.