Thank you ladies. Today wasn't as difficult as I feared it might be, and yes, I found peace and comfort. My mind is still in a sleep deprived haze but I think I can say I am okay in the end.
Gerri's funeral was beautiful and peaceful and comforting. We both cried like our floodgates had broken. I feel quite at peace at the moment though I've barely had a moment alone with my thoughts since yesterday morning, what with poor Xander's sudden illness. I'm not sure if my mental state will shift once I have some time alone for it to finish sinking in, but for now I am okay.
In the end I found something to wear that was both respectful and me (my wardrobe doesn't boast of much that intersects the two). We dropped X off with a close friend so we didn't need to worry about what was happening with him for a couple of hours. I picked up the flowers first though so that Xander could see the flowers ready that he chose for Gerri. They were so beautifully arranged. The lady in the flower shop prepared each individual flower with a matching bow and greenery so that it was like we had 8 tiny individual bouquets to lay around Gerri's coffin, 1 for each person / group of people (our parents and siblings families) that love her and will miss her. When she had asked how we wanted them arranged, I had just told her that we would be laying them down individually so just to make them easy to untie. She went to great lengths to make them very special and individual. I was so touched I nearly cried when I saw them. She only charged for the 8 basic flowers as well (£11.50!). I was amazed as her kindness.
We got to the cemetery a bit stressed as we thought we were running late but we made it with time to spare in the end. The chaplain was really lovely and kind (as a chaplain should be I suppose - he's the first I've met). He brought Gerri's coffin to us when it was time to proceed into the chapel and I carried her in as my partner felt it might be more than he could bare (I was just glad to have one last little thing I could do for her tbh). When we got to the chapel I set her coffin on the bier and we sat just in front of it (they had brought 2 chairs up for us so we could be near her) while the chaplain said his bit. Neither myself nor my partner are religious in any way so some of the more bibley things just sort of went over our heads but I found comfort in many things he said. More than anything, the kindness and compassion with which Gerri and ourselves were treated touched us.
After Father Grant finished his little talk and prayers, he started the music we had planned (Blackbird by the Beatles, Fljotavik by Sigur Ros (a hauntingly beautiful song, sung in Icelandic, about finding one's way through a stormy sea and finding rest at the end. We had played the album in hospital when I gave birth to Gerri), and Sail Across the Water by Jane Siberry). We laid the little bunches of flowers for Gerri around her coffin while the music played, pausing frequently to hold each other and cry. When the last song ended, Father Grant lowed the bier into the ground (for symbolism of the end, which I think we needed). It was heartbreaking in a way to be saying goodbye to my baby again, but I do feel it gave us both a sense of closure that we needed.
After the service, we walked around the cemetery together for a little while, collecting ourselves and thinking of Gerri and talking about what we'd like to do to remember her in future. It was a beautiful time and befitted our little angel (or very very good little ghost, as Xander would say). I miss her like crazy but I also have peace now about the fact that she is gone.
I hope today has been kind to you ladies. Thank you for the mega hugs Poppy and for your kind thoughts and words Suze. All is greatly appreciated. I'm glad I could share the experience with you here, my sweet BnB friends.
I think I am going to go be alone with my thoughts now...