Worried about infection after loss and ERPC at 14 weeks PG

[poppy666]

Forgot to say before i go to bed... Suze thinking of you tomorrow and Ellen good look at your appointment

 

[allmuddledup]

Yay! Poppy and Suze you're back! So happy to see you back. It was a quiet weekend here.

Update on me, I was in a terrible state yesterday. OH was so worried he wants my psych consultant's telephone number (I have bipolar disorder though have been relatively stable for about 7 years) in case he needs to ring him about me. I'm feeling somewhat more together this morning but things can turn so quickly for me on the inside. I was even scaring myself.

Suze, I want you to know I am thinking of you today and sending my best thoughts your way. You will make it through today. I hope you will be able to look back on it and see sweet memories of a special day spent with Ava and Mark in honour of Joe. I hope it goes as well as it possibly can. Sending the biggest hugs your way.

Poppy, that's great news about the spotting stopping for a few days. Too bad about no scan today though. Hopefully that was the last of the bleeding and the next you see will be AF (or none at all because you get a BFP!!). That last would be the best one, eh?

I've not had anymore spotting since Friday myself but I don't trust that it's finished and I don't want to give up my scan in case it does come back. GP would not be impressed if I showed up again next week with more spotting and hadn't been for my scan. Hopefully my lab results will be back this afternoon as well. Have to wait til 3pm for those, same time as scan!

Despite my weekend internal meltdown, me and OH are going to try to do some cleaning round the house today. It's in a desperate state and we are hopefully going to be able to make a chip in it today, starting with the kitchen. Wish me luck girls!

Thinking of you both.

 

[poppy666]

Allmuddledup so sorry your having a rough time, im not too clued up on bipolar so going to read up on it today once its quiet here, hope everything goes ok this afternoon at your scan

Suze (( huge hugs)) thinking of you and your family

 

[allmuddledup]

Thank you Poppy & Suze. I hope what you find out about bipolar doesn't bore you. To sum it up, bipolar is a mental health disorder that is mainly characterized by large mood swings between depression and mania. Fortunately, I have been more or less stable for the last 7 years with the help of medication, which I have actually been off of since November 2009 whilst TTC. In the last year I have experienced several episodes of mild depression but only the barest hint of brief mania a few times, so that's why I say I have been more or less stable. It's only truly worrying when the swings get out of control, i.e. blindingly/suicidally depressed or truly manic (which often involves exceedingly elevated moods with very poor decision making and risk taking that I would not normally indulge in when in a healthy mental state). I hope that helps a bit.

Well, I've just gotten back from the scan. The good news is that the lining of my uterus looks fine with no reason that they can see for the prolonged spotting/bleeding (and as the last spotting I had so far was Friday afternoon, hopefully that is the end of it). I also called the GP and got swab results which were all clear as well. The bad news is that the sonographer didn't see any signs of ovulation when I had the scan which I was actually surprised about. If my body were following a similar pattern to the last 2 times, I should be ovulating by some time this week (anytime from yesterday to the end of the week which would have been apparent on the scan if it were the case). Also, my ovaries are still poly-cystic, which was disappointing as I was vaguely hopeful they might have settled down a bit during pregnancy, but apparently they have not. So, I have mixed feelings about the results... Good that there is no infection or signs of a problem, Bad that my body is not following an identifiable pattern to give me hope of it returning to normality or fertility soon. Big sigh...

Aside from the scan appointment, I've made several phone calls today and done some housework. Me and my OH are attempting to tackle the chaos that is our home, starting with the kitchen. We managed to do a corner of it, which might not sound like much but still took us over 2 hours to sort it out. Now I've got some free cupboard space which I can use when I get to the next cupboard and need to reorganize some things. It feels good to have been productive, even if you can't really tell that much has changed.

As for the phone calls, I learned today from the hospital that Gerri was definitely a girl (and that I no longer have to base her gender on my best guess from seeing her undeveloped little parts after I delivered her). I know it doesn't make any difference to the pregnancy outcome or bring her back, but it makes things clearer in my mind when I think of her and it helps to know that I can talk about her in definite terms and won't ever have to say "it" again when describing my precious baby. I had a daughter. My son had a sister. We lost a little girl. It really helps to be able to think of her clearly and definitely as a girl and for there to be no doubts that I might have mistakenly been calling a son a girl, or vice versa. I felt she was a girl and it helps to know that I was right and perhaps in touch with her on some unseen level as well.

Well, my son is home from school and OH off to work so I am on duty. I am going to do my best to keep it together for my little one and get him to bed happy and content without any meltdowns or shouting or hiding in my bedroom. Here I go. Wish me luck!

Suze, I hope your day has gone as well as it possibly could. Poppy, I hope you have had a good day with no spotting and good moods. Big hugs to you both.

 

[allmuddledup]

Right, I've made it through getting my little guy to bed, now I am just trying to stay awake til OH gets home from work. My head is buzzing with all of the information I've taken in today and trying to sort through it so I can find a peaceful place inside my head again.

On one hand I am really bothered by the news that ovulation is no where in sight for me. On the other I am just trying to not think about it because I have got so much more to think about right now with preparing for Gerri's funeral and just getting to a point where I can face each day without feeling like I am coming apart at the seams. I can feel my obsessive side starting to kick in as well in regards to what my cycle is doing... I don't do well with Limbo.

I'm going to come back to the nicer thought of what I learned today from the hospital in regards to Gerri. To find out her gender for certain was truly a gift. I'm going to hold onto that and just think about my little girl and how much I love her and how much I want to honour her on the day of her funeral. I am trying to see it in a positive way as something I can do for her and not as the heart wrenching event it actually is. I can do this.

 

[Suze]

Hi there,

Sorry I've been quiet....
Lovely to have that confirmation about Gerri's sex, you knew but it's still nice to know for definite. I had the same with Joe, when I delivered him he clearly looked like a boy but then I had read lots of stuff about it not being that clear at that gestation and people thinking one thing and finding the opposite out. At the time we wanted to name him (rather than waiting for confirmation) so we chose Joe as it could have been female if need be. I was relieved too when we got the confirmation that he was a boy too.

Sorry to hear that you'd not ovulated but you know your body has been through such a lot it could just be an annovulatory (I think thats what they call it when you don't ovulate?!) cycle due to the stress of whats been going on. I think it could just be a one off
And you just think about and remember your little girl fondly

As for bi-polar I'm very aware of it, I have a couple of close friends who are diagnosed but also manageing it really well. I also work with a lot of people with it too. You're doing really well to be managing things. I take it yo are still under a consultant? So if things start tipping either way it sounds like you have a lot of insight and would be able to get help.

Right, I'm off to bed. I'd taken a days holiday tomorrow with Joe's due date and was going to cancel and go in but have decided against that and am going to have a me day, Ava is at nursery!

Take care

 

[poppy666]

Hiya sorry guess ive been quiet too, was really down today more so because of this cycle and not knowing if ive ov'd or not ( dont think i have) im more worried that the MMC has totally messed my body up arghhh need to stop stressing its taking over my life at the moment x

Ellen im so glad you found out that Gerri is a little girl even tho you knew it its nice to be confirmed before her funeral I also thought my baby was a girl not sure why or maybe i thought because i miscarried, it had to be a girl cos i carried boys and had no problems, dont think i could handle it if i was to find out it was a girl ( dont get me wrong if it was a boy id be devasted, but i want a girl so bad that would hurt like hell knowing ) now i sound awful

Grrr i need to snap out of this downer, sorry i should of not posted really.. going to go bed in a minute. Suze thinking of you too sweetie

 

[allmuddledup]

So lovely to hear from you Suze. Been thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. As hard as it must have been to face Joe's due date, I imagine it must be a relief to get through and past it as well. You've lived through so much pain. Maybe, hopefully, it can only get better from here, right? You deserve a break. I'm really glad to hear you are taking a day off for yourself tomorrow.

I'm glad you understand about the whole gender issue. It was such a relief to find out for certain about Gerri. I didn't really expect to ever know for sure because I was told they wouldn't be looking at that in the tests but apparently they did in the end. It feels like a gift to have learned this extra little thing about my baby.

It's encouraging to know that you know other people with bipolar that are managing their illness as well. There have been a few times in the last year I wasn't sure if I could manage without mess but I've pulled through so far. This past weekend was the worst I've been, but considering what I've been through in the last year I guess I could be doing worse. Yes, I'm under the care of a consultant (I was doing so well last year he nearly discharged me from his care but I said Noooo way because I know how quickly things can turn in mental illness and how slow the NHS are to respond). I'm normally pretty aware of my state of mind but I gave my consultant's number to my OH yesterday so he can call for support if I appear to be losing touch at any point.

It was really good to see you back here Suze. I hope you get a good sleep tonight and have a lovely day to yourself tomorrow. Big to you. Xoxox

 

[allmuddledup]

Oh Poppy, don't ever think you shouldn't have said (or posted) your thoughts. That's what BnB is all about! It is really good to hear from you as well and I feel honoured that you feel you can air your thoughts on my thread. I've been missing you and was starting to worry about you so I'm very glad you wrote.

Sounds like you are really having a rough time right now hun. I know what you mean as well about wanting a girl. I think that is one of the hardest things about early pregnancy loss, not being able to know anything solid about the baby you've lost or why it happened. Of course, later losses brings with them a greater knowledge of what you've lost but with that an even greater sense of loss so I guess knowing things like baby's gender or the cause of the loss are small compensation. Either way, it's brutal and hurts like hell and I wish no one ever had to go through this.

Thinking of you Poppy. I hope things start looking up for you soon. Xoxox

 

[allmuddledup]

Well, I'm off to bed now. I've managed to work myself into a sleepy stupor watching hours of CSI on tellie. I am trying to avoid using co-codamol to sleep like I have done so nearly every night for the last few weeks. If I want to get better I have to start by losing my crutches. Just hope I can sleep now. Here goes!

 

[Suze]

Hope you got a good nights sleep Ellen, you're doing so well with whats happened in the last year not to have had a relapse it's quite amazing!!

Poppy don't apologise for posting, I think its good we're all supporting each other here.
Going back to the gender thing, thats what I had been most wanting to know and because my baby was being sent for cytogenetics I would have...and so I feel totally gutted that the hospital didn't do it and now I'll never know. I have to say in my pregnancy I was thinking girl but then when I lost I was thinking boy, kind of same reason as you because I have a girl. That's the thing that hurts the most is being told I would discover the sex of the baby through the testing and it not happening
Did either of you look at the chinese gender chart btw? I'm not sure what I think about it although it was righ for me for Ava and Joe and if it was right for a third time I would have lost a boy.

https://www.babygenderprediction.com/chinese-gender-chart.html

 

[poppy666]

Well, I'm off to bed now. I've managed to work myself into a sleepy stupor watching hours of CSI on tellie. I am trying to avoid using co-codamol to sleep like I have done so nearly every night for the last few weeks. If I want to get better I have to start by losing my crutches. Just hope I can sleep now. Here goes!

Did you manage without the co-codamol last night sweetie? hope so

Suze it says 'A boy' for me How you feeling? x

 

[allmuddledup]

Hey ladies. So good to see you here again today.

Yes, Poppy, I did manage to sleep without co-codamol last night and managed to refrain from taking it again as soon as I woke up this morning (which I have also done a fair amount of in the morning for the last 2 weeks). I am feeling better for not having done it. Yay!

Suze, I did the gender prediction from the link you posted and it said Girl for Gerri (which matches what we know) and also said Boy when I look at the dates/age when I had my son (which is accurate as well). However, I have done other gender predictors and they have said the opposite for Gerri and for Xander, so I don't think we can truly rely on them. I am so sorry that the hospital messed up and couldn't tell you any more about your last baby. I think I would be going out of my head if that had happened to me, particularly if I had been assured it would be done. How are you coping with the issue now? I just hope you will be able to find peace and hang onto it (peace tends to be fleeting for me, so that's why I say that).

I had a moment on the weekend when I feared the hospital might have missed something vital in regards to Gerri and I nearly fell apart. I have since spoken to them and found reassurance, thankfully. Unfortunately, I can't write openly about the issue on this thread as it is against forum rules, but I am thinking of adding something about it on my Ethical Prenatal Loss thread. I'll just say, the hospital failed to tell me about the 1-2% chance of the CVS test showing a false positive (which I now know is related to confined placental mosaicism which I've since been assured was not the case with Gerri) and I totally flipped out. The good side of me ringing the hospital in a panic was that I found out for certain that Gerri was a girl and that was a "gift" I wasn't expecting and I may not have found out otherwise.

I have an agenda today. I am going to prepare the photographs that are to go in Gerri's casket today and send them off to Snappy Snaps for printing. I've also got the playlist ready to burn to CD for the music. I have also written a draft of the letter to her which I will rewrite by hand tomorrow or Friday morning. Finally, I need to ring the flower shop and inquire about us picking out the flowers we want to take on Tuesday morning. I can't believe I have managed to be this organised at this time. I don't even manage to get out of bed before noon (since everything happened) unless I have to. I can understand now why they leave it a month before having the baby's funeral. I don't think I would have been ready for it before now, to be honest. How long did you have to wait for the funeral Suze after you lost Joe?

Aside from sleeping in until 11:30, I think I am doing okay today. It's good to be able to say that.

I hope that both of you are feeling well and having a better day today as well. We all deserve to heal and be happy. It just seems to take so blooming long.

 

[Suze]

Sounds like you're having a productive and positive day
We lost Joe on the 14th August and his funeral was on the 7th of September but I DID push for it to be as soon as possible.
Oh my god I can only imagine your panic, I'll have a further read on your other thread...but oh my goodness I can see how that would send you into blind panic wondering if there had been a mistake. Thankfully you got the reassurance, were you expecting sex confirmation at a later date, or not at all?
I'm still seething that we wer told by 3 doctors and my consultant that we'd find out the sex as well as what he/she dies from. We're just in the process of finalising the complaint letter

You seem lovely and organised with regards to the funeral, but then I think you always would have done because it's what you're doing for your little girl What type of flowers did you decide upon?

Poppy I think the responses for the gender thingy are mixed, well it's 50/50 isn't it

 

[allmuddledup]

Yes, Suze, blind panic is a very good way to put it. I was greatly reassured after speaking to the hospital and hearing the results of the full karyotype report which ruled out any room for error. Still, I think it is rather irresponsible for them to have omitted the information about false positives when they gave us the results of Gerri's CVS. I had searched for the information myself before taking any steps but could find nothing at the time to make me think there was any hope of a false positive (I ran across the information by chance while reading about something related but not exactly the same). Had I known at the time though I think I would have held out for an amnio as well. That is probably why they don't mention the 1-2% chance if a false positive in the first place. It could get complicated and expensive for them if women refused to believe the first set of test results and demanded a second test. As for finding out her gender, I was pretty much told flat out that they wouldn't be looking at that factor and that they might not even do a full karyotype. I really can't get my head around their reasons for that. Bureaucracy in the NHS makes me want to scream!

I rang the flower shop today and they suggested we come in Friday to choose the type of flowers we want and they will order them in fresh for us to collect before the funeral. I am looking forward to it. I have been coping much better these last couple of days so hopefully I will be able to keep myself together at the flower shop. I think going to Mothercare to choose the cuddly toy was much harder. I've been listening to the music we plan to play at her funeral as well. Partly because it helps me think of her and partly to prepare me for the day.

I think that's all from me tonight (unless I find I can't sleep in the middle of the night again). Gonna try to have an early night with OH. I hope you've had a lovely day to yourself Suze and I hope you've had a much better today Poppy. Hoping tomorrow is as positive and productive as today was!

Big to you!!

 

[allmuddledup]

I managed to fall asleep around 1am in the end, once again without the aid of drugs (though I wanted to use them). I managed to finish the photos off for printing and they are now waiting for me to collect them at Snappy Snaps. There are 10 different photos I decided to use in the end that included myself and OH, my son and close family members that were really looking forward to meeting her. I've had doubles printed, one set to go in Gerri's casket, the other to go in her album when I finish it. I have a couple more photos of her I want to clean up and put in her album as well. I think it will be really nice when it's done. Not that many people will ever see it, but it will be nice for me to be able to look at when I need to and also for my partner and son when the time is right. I think Xander should know about his sister but as he didn't know about the pregnancy in the first place I think I will wait til he's a bit older to tell him, when I am more able to deal with the questions and when he's old enough to understand better. I think it's lovely that Joe is becoming a part of Ava's vocabulary. I think I may tell Xander about Gerri when we've got her tree planted. I'm not sure if I'll be ready that soon but it may be a few months yet before we get it anyway. I'd like winter to be over before we attempt to plant a little tree and expect it to survive.

I forgot to respond to a couple of things yesterday. You may be right Suze about me having an annovulatory cycle. They are no stranger to me with the PCOS. I've also read that they are quite common the first cycle after pregnancy loss as well. Still, it could just be that my body wasn't brewing an egg when I had the scan but that it might do soon (also, having polycystic ovaries, an early folicle in the making could have been easily overlooked). I'll find out when AF arrives!

I was wondering Suze, in the end, did you feel the timing was right with Joe's funeral? A couple of weeks ago I asked the hospital to arrange Gerri's funeral as soon as possible, but now that a bit more time has passed (and my mental and emotional state has shifted a few more times) I am really glad it's not any sooner than it is. I can totally understand why they don't rush it though. I think I needed this time to pull myself together and prepare myself for it. When did you return to work after you lost Joe? (and was it because you had to or did it just feel like the right time?) I am amazed at your ability to return to work so soon after the most recent loss. I hope today has gone well for you and that you are still coping well. Kudos to you Suze!

Well, I am going for a little nap now until I have to get up to face the afternoon and evening. I'm also going to have a snuggle with Gerri's cuddly toy before I have to take it to the hospital tomorrow. I discovered it had a little rattle in its belly (don't think it would be allowed for cremation) so I did surgery on it and replace the rattle with a little love note to Gerri. I'm glad I did. It's my little secret message for my little daughter.

 

[poppy666]

I discovered it had a little rattle in its belly (don't think it would be allowed for cremation) so I did surgery on it and replace the rattle with a little love note to Gerri. I'm glad I did. It's my little secret message for my little daughter.


That made me cry sweetie hope your ok

When i MC i found this poem, have you both seen it? it brought me a little comfort over christmas x


WHAT MAKES A MOTHER?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in
My home And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start

 

[allmuddledup]

That is a lovely poem. I read it for the first time quite recently as well. Thank you for sharing it Poppy. I really hope you are feeling better today (I'm sorry I made you cry!!!). I know it can help us heal when we cry but I always feel sorry for having triggered it in others (like when my partner is doing just fine until I start to cry and then it sets him off too). I was wondering if you've got your little footprints pendant yet. I saw you mention it on another thread ages ago. It's a lovely idea.

I'm really happy to see you on here today Poppy. I hope you are starting to feel better (and if not that you are rethinking seeing the doctor about it). I spoke to someone in the clinic where I see my consultant yesterday and she is going to try to arrange some sessions with one of the psychologists there to help me with managing my bipolar particularly during this time. I hope it comes through because the plan is that we will involve my partner as well in the coping plan in case I hit a stage again where I need intervention. Living with a mood disorder is no fun but there are things that can be done to make it manageable and keep things from getting too bad. I'm luckier than some of my older relatives who didn't have this kind of help available to them when they needed it. I do hope you will seek help with your depression before it takes over your life. It's worth asking for help and you won't be sorry you did once you are feeling better.

Sending you lovely happy thoughts my sweet friend. Xoxox

 

[poppy666]

Aww im just emotional today, nothing in perticular so dont worry, think id cry at an advert right now lol. Its great to hear your getting offered support and fx an appointment is made soon for you with the psychologist, its going to be hard enough for you and your partner with Gerri's funeral coming up

Sorry i forgot to mention i went to the doctors yesterday and he's referring me to see someone to talk too, he mentioned medication but id like to try talking first see if that helps.

Im feeling ok today apart from emotionally & a little nauseated, but my LO's nappy exploded today and the mess was all up his back 'everywhere' lol had to put him straight in the bath ewwww hence why my stomach a bit dodgy.

Funny you should mention the pendant because my OH ask me if i was still getting it other day, id totally forgotten about it, so OH going to order it online Saturday for me.

 

[allmuddledup]

Oh Poppy, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so emotional today but I reckon it's all par for the course when you consider what you've been through. I'm so glad to hear you spoke to your doctor and that he's doing something to help. That's really good news. You may find that speaking with someone will help a lot. I have found it usually helps me. I am seeing a counsellor for 6 sessions through my employer, just saw her today actually. I am finding it helpful. It is very focused work as well since the sessions are limited so hopefully I will come out of it with some "tools" I can use in future. I really hope you find speaking with someone helps, but don't forget, if you are still struggling, there is more help for you out there.

I think it's lovely that your OH is getting you the pendant. Our fellas can be really thoughtful sometimes, eh? I love it when they get it right. Lol. My OH has been amazingly supportive through everything that's happened. I feel so blessed to have him. Long may that continue.

I'm off to tackle tea now and enjoy a little down time while my son is at Stagecoach. Hopefully catch you back here tonight. Xoxox