Would this really offend you? UPDATED

[snugglebot]

Remember, all you can change is yourself. Her pregnancy is her own. She is probably well aware of the dangers and still making her unhealthy choices. But that isn't your problem, unless she is smoking around you.

I would suggest if she is, concern yourself only with the second hand smoke you are breathing in. In this situation, the most you can ask is for her to not smoke around you. Nothing to do with her pregnancy, just yours, and keep the comments to that. If she doesn't respect your pregnancy, then you leave.

 

[chel27]

I personally dont agree or disagree with the arguement.

I have known friends to smoke during pregnancy. Its not my place to tell them to stop etc. I leave them to it.

At the end of the day if they are determined not to stop then me telling them the dangers is not gonna help them as they do not want to stop.

But thats just my opinion.

I agree

i agree

 

[LoraLoo]

tbh its not our place to say anything to her, Its her choice whether she wants to smoke and drink during her pregnancy. Some people are willing to sacrificeanyhting for there unborn baby. on her head be it.

To me, thats just the same as saying parents have the right to abuse and hurt their children- where would the world be if no1 spoke up about it? Or if people thought it 'wasnt their place to say anthing'... Its a scary thought tbh. Unfortunately it wont be on her head, it will be on that poor unborn baby's.

 

[Jkelmum]

What a stupid cow with friends like that u dont need enermys

 

[Rain_22]

I agree this person is obviously not very responsible. I understand that it can be difficult to quit smoking/alcohol for some people but even then they try to at least reduce their intake, this woman just doesnt seem to be concerned or bothered at all. How disheartening, that poor baby =/

 

[impatient1]

Probably gonna get some wrath for this one and not really sure what I think tbh, but here is one way to look at it. Right now she is poisoning her child. Would you sit back and watch if you knew someone who was pregnant and using drugs? Alcohol is a drug, right? Would you sit back and watch if she blew smoke in her baby's face? How about if she drank while breastfeeding or let her baby have a drink of alcohol? She is eating, breathing, and drinking for this baby... right now she is smoking and drinking alcohol for this baby as well. It's an interesting way to look at it really. I'm sure we wouldn't sit back and watch it happen once the baby is born so why would we sit back and watch it happen when the baby is feeding off of it? Wouldn't it be child abuse then?

 

[angelstardust]

Far as I see it, women can smoke if they choose too, but they do so knowing the risks so have no right to go complaining that baby is small.

I smoked with DS1 till about 12 weeks then quit, and it was very easy, I had all ready cut down to 5 a day when I found out I was pregnant. Some women find it hard to quit, but it's easy enough to cut down.

Drinking excessively is a whole other issue in my opinion. Alcohol can seriously affect baby if consumed in large amounts (more than the occasional glass of wine). And red bull too?

By her behaviour, she knows exactly what she is doing and knows it is wrong, but her guilt is making her act defensive and lash out at anyone who is going to bring up the fact that she is acting irresponsibly. How is she going to handle being a mother if she can't even be one now?

 

[snugglebot]

Probably gonna get some wrath for this one and not really sure what I think tbh, but here is one way to look at it. Right now she is poisoning her child. Would you sit back and watch if you knew someone who was pregnant and using drugs? Alcohol is a drug, right? Would you sit back and watch if she blew smoke in her baby's face? How about if she drank while breastfeeding or let her baby have a drink of alcohol? She is eating, breathing, and drinking for this baby... right now she is smoking and drinking alcohol for this baby as well. It's an interesting way to look at it really. I'm sure we wouldn't sit back and watch it happen once the baby is born so why would we sit back and watch it happen when the baby is feeding off of it? Wouldn't it be child abuse then?

You raise a good point about not standing by and watching things happen because it isn't us. But if you feel you can change something (I am not sure changing someone's smoking addiction is possible but who knows), there are effective and ineffective ways of dealing with things.

If a child is getting hit, you go in and take the child away. That changes the situation. Then help is offered.

With an addiction (smoking/alcohol), you can't take the baby away, and simply telling someone off or that they are wrong for doing it, won't change the situation. They will just run off, as what happened here. The approach has to be different, and be an offer of help first rather than judgment. If they refuse help, there isn't much more you can do. And that is why I suggested walking away to keep your own baby safe from the second hand smoke. Who knows, maybe that action will be enough to spur change. It might not though.

You also have an issue of what is technically legal to do and what isn't. Society so far has not decided to make smoking or drinking while pregnant illegal. Maybe things need to change there first... who knows.

The point is, we need to focus on what we can change versus what we can't.

 

[princess_bump]

i agree with what was said before (sorry don't remember who ) that you wasn't having a go at her in the first place, she said her concerns, and you told her the facts.

tbh i couldn't watch someone smoke or drink during their pregnancy knowing the risks, and that is from an ex-social smoker.

i do believe its personal choice, and as we don't live in a nanny state then everyone has the right to make their own choices, weather we agree or not, however, for me, the thought of someone smoking and drinking that much in their pregnancy is just unacceptable x x

 

[rubiRURU]

you did the right thing she's risking not only her health but also her baby's for crying out loud!!!

 

[rubywoo77]

Woah....

I believe that many of the posts on here illustrate perfectly the reason why women who smoke during pregnancy or feel unable to give it up - do not seek help or continue to carry on smoking in secret.

sad really.

 

[nfm3]

It's good to speak up as long as you do it respectfully and in love. You may not change her behavior by what you say but she'll know you are holding her accountable. Sometimes people justify what they are doing to themselves when the people around them don't say anything. I'd expect my friends to be honest with me--even if I don't agree with them.

 

[meldmac]

Woah....

I believe that many of the posts on here illustrate perfectly the reason why women who smoke during pregnancy or feel unable to give it up - do not seek help or continue to carry on smoking in secret.

sad really.

If she had of wanted to quit she would have tried to before 30 weeks into her pregnancy and not flaunted the fact she was doing it. Not only that but drinking to the extent she is drinking does not convey someone who cares let alone is scared to ask for help. It's a cop out to use the excuse that because one person has said something to her that she is now scared to seek help. If she really wanted the help she has lots of options to her, some which are annonymous. Using the excuse that it's hard to quit is pretty sad...considering a lot of things in life are hard but it shouldn't mean that people give up.

So it's ok that someone ignores the fact it is harmful to smoke while pregnant, yet it's not ok for someone to speak up about it? The original poster was not harsh or mean with what she said, she just pointed out a fact. Maybe if someone can't handle that they need to learn how to cope in life in hard situations.

 

[snugglebot]

I'm confused though on how you thinking voicing your opinion will motivate her any more to change than to offer help politely instead?

 

[rubywoo77]

Woah....

I believe that many of the posts on here illustrate perfectly the reason why women who smoke during pregnancy or feel unable to give it up - do not seek help or continue to carry on smoking in secret.

sad really.

If she had of wanted to quit she would have tried to before 30 weeks into her pregnancy and not flaunted the fact she was doing it. Not only that but drinking to the extent she is drinking does not convey someone who cares let alone is scared to ask for help. It's a cop out to use the excuse that because one person has said something to her that she is now scared to seek help. If she really wanted the help she has lots of options to her, some which are annonymous. Using the excuse that it's hard to quit is pretty sad...considering a lot of things in life are hard but it shouldn't mean that people give up.

So it's ok that someone ignores the fact it is harmful to smoke while pregnant, yet it's not ok for someone to speak up about it? The original poster was not harsh or mean with what she said, she just pointed out a fact. Maybe if someone can't handle that they need to learn how to cope in life in hard situations.

I didn't mention anything about her drinking btw - which incidentally I have no experience of what so ever. However, some of the posts in response to the OP's original post have been judgemental and sanctimonious - like really, really sanctimonious. I am not condoning this girl's/woman's behaviour but I certainly don't understand the tone of this thread (not all posters - but certainly a fair few).

I care about the health of my unborn child as much as the next woman, I would never stand back and watch someone abuse a child but do I compare smoking during pregnancy to be tantamount to child abuse? - no. Do I think the OP's friend needs to cut down on her smoking and drinking or better still give up completely - yes, do I think she is a bad mum/ mum to be because she smokes - erm no.

If this was my friend or aquaintance, I would offer up the facts as I knew them, and then offer support- if she threw back in my face or refused my offer of help - then so be it, I would keep myself and my unborn child out of her company when she smoked.

 

[Kimboowee]

I'm confused though on how you thinking voicing your opinion will motivate her any more to change than to offer help politely instead?

It wasn't an opinion though - it was a fact. What about the midwife offering help, she blatantly turnt that down by denying she smokes in the first place!

 

[impatient1]

I had spent 2 days thinking about this idea before I had wrote my original post and what I had thought about. I encourage you to take a moment to think about it... would it be wrong if she blew smoke in her child's face or made her child take a drink of alcohol, would you stand by or just walk away then? I think that the law's do need to change and that this should be wrong, it's wrong after a child is born so why do we not care or think that we should make a stand on this before a child is born. I think that is part of the problem with society today, there are not enough people fighting for the ones who are unable to fight and yes we have services who do that but unfortunately as there are so many to be watched, many fall through the cracks.

 

[snugglebot]

Ok so telling her what you think and the midwife offering help hasn't helped. So what is next?

So far what has been done in this case, hasn't actually changed anything. The next step I hope that you choose is something that can cause change.

 

[taperjeangirl]

Probably gonna get some wrath for this one and not really sure what I think tbh, but here is one way to look at it. Right now she is poisoning her child. Would you sit back and watch if you knew someone who was pregnant and using drugs? Alcohol is a drug, right? Would you sit back and watch if she blew smoke in her baby's face? How about if she drank while breastfeeding or let her baby have a drink of alcohol? She is eating, breathing, and drinking for this baby... right now she is smoking and drinking alcohol for this baby as well. It's an interesting way to look at it really. I'm sure we wouldn't sit back and watch it happen once the baby is born so why would we sit back and watch it happen when the baby is feeding off of it? Wouldn't it be child abuse then?

Totally agree, I was reading through all the posts trying to decide what to type.... so I just pinched yours cos you hit the nail on the head!

I've said it before on here and I'll say it again no doubt I don't agree with ANY drugs during pregnancy, be it caffiene, alcohol, or nicotine, they are all dangers and nobody knows whether that "couple of glasses of red" have harmed their child...... it could be something that will affect them later in life not something that will show straight after birth if you get my drift....

This woman sounds like a total tool, and even though it is nothing to do with me how she treats her body i would definitely have said something about how she was treating her poor helpless unborn child.

Gosh this has really wound me up.....

P.s. I am an ex smoker and know it is hard to quit, just before I get jumped on for not knowing what it is like.....

 

[taperjeangirl]

Woah....

I believe that many of the posts on here illustrate perfectly the reason why women who smoke during pregnancy or feel unable to give it up - do not seek help or continue to carry on smoking in secret.

sad really.

They feel they can't give up because of people stating facts that nicotine harms unborn children?
Surely a fact like that would make them want to stop?