Would this really offend you? UPDATED

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Club' started by Kimboowee, Apr 9, 2009.

  1. Kimboowee

    Kimboowee Complete

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    Im not sure offend is the right word to describe this but i'll tell you the story anyway and you can give me your thoughts...

    My BF and i used to work in the same restaurant then i left, still keep in contact with everyone through OH.
    Theres a girl i was quite close to whilst i was there and she's about 3 weeks behind me in pregnancy.

    Throughout her pregnancy she has smoked, she smokes quite a bit i would say 20+ fags a day. I dropped her off at work last week and she was saying that she'll smoke more on maternity leave cos she'll be bored, i bit me tongue on that one...

    She's also been drinking aswell, im not sure how much as i've ditched the nights out where she'll be there purely cos i know i will say something.

    Well she came round last night and she was saying that her baby was measuring 3 weeks behind and she's worried, i had to say something so off i come out with 'it's scientifically proven that if you smoke during pregnancy your baby will have a low birth weight and will most likely be born early'

    And off she storms out...
    Im sorry but somebody had to say it to her. She told me she told the midwife she DOESN'T smoke at her booking in appointment, so she clearly knows smoking in pregnancy is wrong and she isn't getting the help cos they don't think she needs any!

    Sorry for rambling on but she's really pissed me off so fecking much! Me and many other women stopped smoking when we found out we were pregnant, and if you do smoke its your choice but you should accept the criticism that comes with it.

    Well she no longer is a 'friend'! It was her leaving do last night, and as i had already been invited me and OH went along. Sorry but im not gonna sit back and watch her knock vodka and redbulls. So we left after about an hour, i didn't say anything. And got a text at 1am, saying 'if you don't like it then don't talk to me'. So there we go then, stupid b!tch! Everyone was talking about her last night, even her own sister, but no ones said anything. Its not my place to so she can carry on what she's doing and live with the fact that she could be harming her baby.
     
  2. Nibblenic

    Nibblenic Well-Known Member

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    I wouldnt have managed to bite my tounge for so long hun

    I had a associate/friend where i didnt agree with how she was behaving during her pregnancy and we fell out when i passed on opinion/comment and havent spoken since.

    I doubt youre loosing out on much in terms of friendship, and well lets face it, us pregnant women arent in alot of control of what comes out of our mouths !!!
     
  3. sam's mum

    sam's mum mum of two gorgeous boys

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    :shock: She clearly knows she shouldn't be doing it from the way she reacted - sounds like she's already worried that it's her that's causing her baby to be measuring small. I know people find it hard to give up or cut down down during pregnancy but to lie to her midwife suggests that she wasn't even interested in trying to, as there is loads of help available if she needed it! x
     
  4. Wendyk07

    Wendyk07 Mummy to Derrin and PAL

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    I can understand your feelings on the matter but as a pregnant smoker who is desperately trying to quit i would rather people accepted me and not judged me. No-one knows i am pregnant yet but a comment was passed on one of my friends who is also trying her hardest to stop and is pregnant. Comments really dont help. I do think this girl should at the very least try for the sake of her baby but ultimatley she has to want to stop. Can you pass her some leaflets or something and offer support. It could be that she needs to see information in black and white.

    Its not an easy thing to do and i am struggling daily but like i said you really have to want to stop.

    :hug:
     
  5. moomin_troll

    moomin_troll mummy to zane and corey

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    Before i was pregnant i was a very heavy smoker myself so i can see both sides. When i found out i was pregnant i quit straight away cold turkey and was really proud of myself as i have always thought smoking while pregnant was wrong and i think it looks horrible to see a pregnant woman smoke.

    I had a friend who was 6 weeks ahead of me while we were pregnant and she smoked it drove me mad i wanted to slap her and it really p*ssed me off that she quit after he baby was born i just didnt see how she cudnt of thought about her baby sooner.

    I stayed quit for 6 months after i had zane then i let stress get the better of me and im smoking again not near anywhere to what i used to and i dont smoke around my baby.
     
  6. MissCherry15

    MissCherry15 Mummy of 2

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    omg i mean how stupid is she risking her kids life.
     
  7. Kimboowee

    Kimboowee Complete

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    The difference is your 5 weeks along and trying to quit. She's 30 weeks and has/hasn't had any intention to.
     
  8. kbaker09

    kbaker09 Well-Known Member

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    That's really annoying... I can see why you're peeved off.

    Maybe she's defensive because you hit a raw nerve, i.e. the truth of what she was thinking all along...

    I can understand it's VERY difficult because I had to give up too but I hope she can give up and see that you're only trying to help. x
     
  9. coccyx

    coccyx Well-Known Member

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    She has responsibilites towards her unborn child. I think its crazy to say accept it and don't judge her. She is a friend who needs to be told a few realities. She must know the evidence against smoking whilst pregnant or she would not have reacted like that. Good for you
     
  10. rubywoo77

    rubywoo77 Mum of 2

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    Everyone is entitled to their opinion and if you choose to voice yours you have to accept that not everyone is going to agree with you. That said I realise I am probably going to offend a few peeps with my opinion.

    Bravo, well done to those that gave up smoking when they discovered they were pregnant - even bigger bravo to those that quit when actively trying to conceive.

    Personally I wouldn't make someone who is probably already feeling bad - feel worse by having a go at them for smoking. This is the reason why so many women don't admit to smoking to their MW's or continue to smoke in private when pregnant and don't ask for help in quitting. I am by no means condoning it or saying it's ok, but how does being judgemental and/or sanctimonious and preachy help someone???

    just my tuppence worth.. btw I was a smoker, cut down when I got married,cut down even more when trying to conceive and gave up when I found out I was expecting.
     
  11. babystar

    babystar Guest

    I personally dont agree or disagree with the arguement.

    I have known friends to smoke during pregnancy. Its not my place to tell them to stop etc. I leave them to it.

    At the end of the day if they are determined not to stop then me telling them the dangers is not gonna help them as they do not want to stop.

    But thats just my opinion.
     
  12. polo_princess

    polo_princess ♥ Brookes Mummy ♥

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    I agree :)
     
  13. jennie_78

    jennie_78 Mum to Caitlin, and TTC

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    As an ex smoker, i really do feel sorry for women who cant stop for whatever reason when pregnant. Its so hard to stop.
    Maybe the reality hadnt really hit her until she had her scan, and the baby was 3 weeks behind.
    AS for what you said to her, i can see it from your point of view, but she must be feeling guilty herself. We all know the dangers of smoking and passive smoking, so she must be well aware.
    I feel sorry for her, im just glad i quit before i got my BFP.
     
  14. Aunty E

    Aunty E Mummy to Mog and Teddy

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    I haven't touched a cigarette since the first faint second line on a pregnancy test. And there have been times when I really really wanted to. I just don't understand how anyone could smoke while they were pregnant. I'd been smoking since I was 18, and I'd never tried to give up, but I knew straight away that I couldn't do that to my baby. What if something did go wrong? I would spend my life wondering if it was my fault that my baby died.

    I probably wouldn't have said anything before the point you did, but if the silly girl expects sympathy for her (probably starved of oxygen) baby being small, when she hasn't even TRIED to stop smoking, then I would have done exactly what you did. It's not nice, but she can't expect people to support her when she's not even trying to do the right thing.
     
  15. lepaskilf

    lepaskilf Guest

    Me and my OH weren't trying for a baby but we both decided to quit smoking on New yrs day (typically!!!!)

    ......2 months later we were both still clean but I found out I was pregnant!!! My OH blame quitting saying the little buggers have woken up!!!!!!!

    Although unplanned we are keeping the baby. I've stayed of smoking but he started again due to stresses at wk, although he doesn't smoke in front of me I still nag him to quit because although he is not affecting the baby's life he is affecting his own and I would not want my child growing up without a daddy!!!!!

    I think it is very selfish to smoke during and after pregancy!!!!!!
     
  16. Kitten

    Kitten Mummy to Theakston & Nyah

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    I think what's bugged me here is that you didn't actually have a go at her... she was whinging about her baby being small and you reeled off a fact. You didn't say "serves you right for smoking" or "well that's your own fault for smoking" or "maybe you should stop smoking", you stated that smaller babies and low birth weights are common when mothers smoke. If anything, that should have comforted her that there wasn't something more serious going on.

    This thread has gone down more of a debate as to whether it's OK to tell someone to quit smoking, but you didn't do that, you just offered an explanation as to why her baby is smaller than it should be. It's just like someone saying to me "oh your bump is small because you're short so more likely to have a smaller baby", I wouldn't be offended by that even though it's not the case, they're just theorising or offering me an explanation I maybe hadn't thought of or whatever.
     
  17. cs22

    cs22 Mum and ttc# 2

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    Hi i think you were right to say something to her. If she cant handle the truth its her problem not yours.
     
  18. Emsy26

    Emsy26 Mum of 4 & Wife-To-Be xx

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    How did you not say anything for so long hun? I wouldn't of been able to.
    I quit smoking and drinking as soon as I found I was pregnant. My OH smokes, but I've ordered him, outside and smoke, he was ok.
    My Sisters friend however smokes 60 a day and goes clubbing 3 times a week, she has less than a week to go til she gives birth. Her baby, her life I guess, I've mentioned it to my sister, who has mentioned it to her, and all she got was the finger! How Rude!
     
  19. golcarlilly

    golcarlilly Proud mum of 2

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    I think the reaction you got proves that she knows what she is doing is wrong and therefore was expecting to hear what you said from someone at some point! I doubt she was offended, more just upset that someone had confirmed her fears!

    I only used to social smoke occasionally when drinking and so I can't empathise on the quitting of that but I did regularly (probably too regularly) drink wine and since getting my :bfp: have only had the occasional glass and it was initially a big struggle for me but I did it for the sake of my baby, I would not be able to forgive myself if I caused him any health problems!

    My mum smoked during the whole of her pg with me (40 years ago) as the risks were not really known although they did tell her she might have a smaller baby - she just thought 'good, it will be easier to give birth' LOL!!
     
  20. loz

    loz Well-Known Member

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    i agree you was just stating the truth. i would of done the same
     

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