Advice - How to handle parents?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by aimee-lou, Apr 22, 2009.

  1. aimee-lou

    aimee-lou Totally Outnumbered!!

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    Hi everyone!

    Just wondered if anyone can offer any advice on how to deal with our parents....particularly our mothers. Hubby and I are over the moon about being pregnant, but we're not overly expressive of this excitement. Our mother's on the other hand have gone totally overboard (in our opinion any way) and to be frank we're finding it hard to cope!

    My Mum is talking about buying us a whole host of items. I put her off saying that we have very specific taste so to appease her I did a gift list. now she wants to buy almost the whole list! Hubby and I have always said that while we're glad of any help, especially financially at the moment, we have things that we want to do for ourselves and buying things for the baby is one of them. I'm now scared that she will just go nuts and buy everything. She is basically taking away the joy from it all....buying me multi-vitamins for after the baby is born, cleaning materials so that the house is clean (apparently it's not now!), putting extra things onto the list that we have 'forgotten becuase we wouldn't know'. I know she is only trying to help but I just want her to back off and let us enjoy being pregnant and bringing up baby! I knoe for a fact that in 12 months time when we have a 6 month old, the whole novelty will have worn off......so please, just leave us to it!!

    MIL on the other hand is no better. She had a go at hubby last night as we had been for our scan yesterday. Everything was fine so we let a few more people know (friends etc). We only sent scan pics to parents and siblings though as lets face it, not everyone will want to see it. MIL rang up asking hubby if she could send it to people in the family. He said sure, but we didn't realise that people would want it. It got on to the subject of the baby and she asked how do you feel after seeing baby for the first time. Hubby just gave an honest answer. It was a medical procedure, it's nice to know everything's going well but it hasn't changed anything. We're happy but no more so than before the scan. She shouted at him, 'how can you not be excited'. Both hubby and I fee very strongly that the thing to get excited about is the initial BFP then the birth. In between you just carry on, look after yourself and see what happens. We are so happy to be having a child, but for the moment we're staying calm. people just don't seem to understand this.

    I know this may make me and hubby sound like spoilt brats but we both agree that we just want everything toned down. We only have 6 months left as just us, and while we talk about bubs every day, it's not the centre of our lives. We just wish that people could see that we are happy, and not force us to be more excited than we want to be, and not get more involved than we want them to be for now.

    Sorry again for sounding like a spoilt brat, but I needed to talk to someone as hubby and I realy don't know how to approach them.
     
  2. Cazza89

    Cazza89 Mummy of 1,expecting no.2

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    I think what your mum wants to do for you is nice, but if she does really want to buy it all for you, maybe tell her you have picked out specific items and they're the ones you want. maybe arrange a shopping trip with you, her and hucby. I don't think you're acting like spoilt brats at all hun. Ignore their comments. I'm really excited about being a mum but you wouldn't really know a lot of the time ar we do just get on with things. X
     
  3. Pumpkinb

    Pumpkinb Proud parents!

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    my mum seem to keep saying to me, 'its almost as if you don't want this baby'
    soooo not true its just that I am staying quite calm about things at the moment as well and don't want to get too worked up about things at the moment.
    Hubbys mum is constantly asking how I am and knows exactly how many weeks etc I am and its all she can talk about when we see her too.

    I do know what you mean but I am sorry but have no idea what to do about the buying things, no one has offered to do that for us yet but we are getting a lot of things off my sil which I don't mind as saves our money for other things and will allow me to stay off work for longer.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Rachel_C

    Rachel_C Well-Known Member

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    It's great when grandparents are offering to buy stuff, but personally I'd rather buy the basics (nappies, bedding, simple clothes) myself and let them buy the extras, the special outfits that are too expensive for me or the gimmicky toys that'll only last a few months. My mum has offered to buy the pram, which we've gratefully accepted, but I think I'd go crazy if she bought everything for me! There's something special about going to the shop and choosing things for your baby yourself.

    Why not ask your mum to buy gift vouchers instead of the actual stuff? If she's really just trying to be helpful, she can't object to that. If, on the other hand, she's trying to take over everything, well she probably will mind but that's her problem! You could tell a little fib... 'mum, this is a big deal for us and we're taking time to get used to it in our own way. Doing our own shopping will really help us bond with our unborn baby' :) And with vouchers, you can keep them for things you'll need later on if you want. I know it can seem tacky to ask for vouchers but this is your mum, surely she'd understand (or get over it)?

    Or you could be a bit more devious... next time she buys something, tell her really apologetically that you've already picked out that particular thing in a different shop. Make it sound like you've already bought it or paid a deposit or something. It might make her think twice before she buys something again?

    Hope you get it sorted!
     
  5. kaygeebee

    kaygeebee Mum & Cautiously Pregnant

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    We had a friend who was a bit like your MIL....... she kept asking 'aren't you excited?' 'well I'll be excited instead' 'I was super excited when I was pg' .... blah blah blah.....

    I am excited - I just don't shout all over about it. It's not big news for most people - it happens to an awful lot of people every day! Then there are always the people you don't realise you are hurting by going on about it all the time.

    Sorry hun - no advice - but you're not alone!! With your mum, I think you need to have a chat and just say that excited as you may be, this is YOUR baby - and you want to do the preparing and choosing and buying (and making mistakes and forgetting things!) yourselves - it's all part of the process of becoming a parent. Say you'd be very greatful for a contribution / for her to buy something specific you have picked out - but that you want to do the actual buying yourselves.

    :hugs:
     
  6. lexy604

    lexy604 Sleeps through the night!

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    You dont sound spoiled at all me and my mom dont talk very much i havent seen her in two years im 27 and have been on my own since 16 we arent close. The other day she said to me that she will be coming and picking up my baby all the time etc etc. Im thinking um no you wont be taking my baby which is exactly what i told her sometimes parents dont get that you want to handle things yourself at least in the begining. Also she doesnt want a relationship with me but is excited to have one with my baby. You need to just let people know how you really feel about things i think. Getting your babys stuff is personal to you obviously and someone else couldnt just go do it for you its not the same. As for the excited part im like you i dont want to get to excited than something happens and i completely understand that part. Hope everything turns out well just speak the truth if your too harsh blame hormones lol
     
  7. PrincessSoph

    PrincessSoph Well-Known Member

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    you dont sound spoilt at all. maybe ask your mum to get gift vouchers or give her a list of some things for her to buy and explain you want to go and buy things yourself.

    i would ignore MIL its always been the easiest thing for me to do :rofl:
     

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