Am I being selfish?

[mum22ttc#3]

I think the "selfish" word is so over used and ridiculous TBH. There are myriad decisions we make as parents every day which we do for reasons that suit ourselves. Dressing a 3 month old baby in jeans and a t-shirt when he would be more comfortable in a sleepsuits, just because he looks cute. That's a decision based on what you want and not what the baby needs. Selfish? Using a dummy because it helps quieten them down instead of the time consuming and often frustrating method of trying to soothe without it. Selfish? Buying jarred meals instead of cooking because you don't have time, or energy, or even the wish to do it. Selfish?

We all make decisions and for the most part they involve looking at what will work for us. Sure one could argue that BFing is absolutely the best way to feed a baby but using formula isn't exactly going to leave a baby malnourished, and any long term effects we keep being told come from it are far more attributable to what you feed your children for fifteen years, rather than for 6 months. Formula does no harm to a child so it's crazy for anyone to be considered selfish for wanting to take advantage of the convenience it can offer.

Totally agree with everything that is said here

 

[staralfur]

OMG the judgement on this thread seriously?
Some people really need to get over themselves.

Err, to be fair, she did specifically ask "Am I being selfish?" Had it just been a thread about wanting to quit breastfeeding then she wouldn't have a bunch of people piling in and saying "I think that's selfish."

 

[bumpy_j]

I think you have unrealistic expectations of what breastfeeding is like later down the line. It only gets easier and less frequent (especially once LO starts weaning onto solids).

For the first few weeks or months, I would definitely say breastfeeding is harder and possibly more miserable than formula feeding. There's pain, leaking, having to get used to feeding in public, living on tiny bursts of sleep etc but it all eventually settles down and then its suddenly super convenient and awesome. I'm sure the ladies on the BF forum could to give you tips on how to prepare for times when somebody else is going to be responsible for LO. At the end of the day, its a permanent decision. I would really try to wait it out longer before deciding.

 

[Cccbb61013]

I haven't read all the responses because I figured I would be annoyed with most of them, so forgive me if I repeat something.

I formula feed. I've chosen to formula feed because my breasts are extremely sensitive & I get very annoyed & uncomfortable when anybody touches them. Even my husband. Extremely uncomfortable. While I feel guilty that I did not breast feed my boys, I do not think it was selfish. I know how unhappy I would've been breast feeding & I was scared that in the post pardum days it may have even caused resentment & extreme depression. I chose to formula feed not just for myself but to be a better mother to my boys. And I think I made the right choice. I would've given anything to not feel the way I do but it is a mental issue that I cannot change. So I chose to not be miserable FOR them.

That being said, you love breast feeding. And I say this only because you ask as I certainly would never judge you. Stopping because you want to enjoy summer more does sound slightly selfish as I don't see the difference between lugging around the formula & sterilizing the bottles, etc is any easier. Plus it's a lot more expensive! If you said you wanted to stop because you were in pain or needed to take medication or something else, then I would say a happy mom is the best mom. But to enjoy summer may be a tad selfish (& I use the term loosely). If I were you, since you do love it, I would give it a try. And if at that point you don't love it anymore, then stop. And regardless of what you do, be proud of having breast fed your baby for at least a little while! Good luck with your decision & by no means am I trying to beat you up. Like I said, I use the term selfish very loosely because that is what you asked. There are a million worse things you could be doing.

 

[Foogirl]

OMG the judgement on this thread seriously?
Some people really need to get over themselves.

Err, to be fair, she did specifically ask "Am I being selfish?" Had it just been a thread about wanting to quit breastfeeding then she wouldn't have a bunch of people piling in and saying "I think that's selfish."

For me it's not so much that people have said it seems selfish, it's more the manner and the type of comments made. The judgement is that this mum just wants to party and is unwilling to make sacrifices for her baby. That's a massive judgement leap to take from what the OP said.

I have absolutely no doubt even if she hasn't specifically asked, others would have piled in calling her selfish

 

[Perplexed]

I think the "selfish" word is so over used and ridiculous TBH. There are myriad decisions we make as parents every day which we do for reasons that suit ourselves. Dressing a 3 month old baby in jeans and a t-shirt when he would be more comfortable in a sleepsuits, just because he looks cute. That's a decision based on what you want and not what the baby needs. Selfish? Using a dummy because it helps quieten them down instead of the time consuming and often frustrating method of trying to soothe without it. Selfish? Buying jarred meals instead of cooking because you don't have time, or energy, or even the wish to do it. Selfish?

We all make decisions and for the most part they involve looking at what will work for us. Sure one could argue that BFing is absolutely the best way to feed a baby but using formula isn't exactly going to leave a baby malnourished, and any long term effects we keep being told come from it are far more attributable to what you feed your children for fifteen years, rather than for 6 months. Formula does no harm to a child so it's crazy for anyone to be considered selfish for wanting to take advantage of the convenience it can offer.

This is very well put

 

[m_t_rose]

For me BF at 6 months and up was the reward for struggling at the beginning. It was so much easier than having to lug around bottles and worry about cleaning them and extra dishes. A day at the beach was so much easier because I didn't even have to think about feeds. I BF until nearly 2 years for each kid and I miss how easy it was and especially how nice it was to pull my DS into bed with me and let him nurse in the morning for 45mins while I fell back to sleep.

So no I don't think it is wrong for you to stop BF for the reasons you gave; however, you might regret it.

 

[meli1981]

Yeah she was talking about a bachelerette party for her sister or something....not quitting bfing so she could party every weekend!

 

[MommyJogger]

For me it's not so much that people have said it seems selfish, it's more the manner and the type of comments made. The judgement is that this mum just wants to party and is unwilling to make sacrifices for her baby. That's a massive judgement leap to take from what the OP said.

I have absolutely no doubt even if she hasn't specifically asked, others would have piled in calling her selfish

Yeah she was talking about a bachelerette party for her sister or something....not quitting bfing so she could party every weekend!

I think it's because it doesn't make sense to most people that two events would cause someone who enjoys bf to quit when the events are relatively short. It sounded more like those were examples of things she wanted to do rather than the full description of planned activities. The op really gave me at least the impression that she wanted to go out frequently, based on comments about this being her "only chance to enjoy summer" (because it doesn't make logical sense that having to pump maybe 4 times for two events would ruin a summer).

 

[Foogirl]

I think it's because it doesn't make sense to most people that two events would cause someone who enjoys bf to quit when the events are relatively short. It sounded more like those were examples of things she wanted to do rather than the full description of planned activities. The op really gave me at least the impression that she wanted to go out frequently, based on comments about this being her "only chance to enjoy summer" (because it doesn't make logical sense that having to pump maybe 4 times for two events would ruin a summer).

That's as may be, but even then it's a far cry from saying she doesn't want to make any sacrifices for her LO or doesn't want her life to change post baby. She's a new mum facing the cabin fever and isolation that can come with it. And wondering how she can cope with that longer term, looking for a solution. Judging her isn't the best way. Many of the posts responding "yes". have been far from judgemental and have given sound advice which she may well be considering.

 

[MommyJogger]

I think it's because it doesn't make sense to most people that two events would cause someone who enjoys bf to quit when the events are relatively short. It sounded more like those were examples of things she wanted to do rather than the full description of planned activities. The op really gave me at least the impression that she wanted to go out frequently, based on comments about this being her "only chance to enjoy summer" (because it doesn't make logical sense that having to pump maybe 4 times for two events would ruin a summer).

That's as may be, but even then it's a far cry from saying she doesn't want to make any sacrifices for her LO or doesn't want her life to change post baby. She's a new mum facing the cabin fever and isolation that can come with it. And wondering how she can cope with that longer term, looking for a solution. Judging her isn't the best way. Many of the posts responding "yes". have been far from judgemental and have given sound advice which she may well be considering.

Look, she asked if people thought it was selfish. No one has said she's not willing to make "any" sacrifices, just that they think this instance she'd inquiring about, where she doesn't seem to want to sacrifice, is one that they think is more in the baby's best interest to make. And no one has said that she doesn't want her life to change at all pre-baby, just that maybe she's having a desire to have lots of pre-baby-type activities this summer (and there's nothing wrong with that desire), but that that might not be a reasonable expectation if it's as often as it would need to be for feeding method to become an issue for a mother already accustomed to pumping.
It's about who it affects more really. The baby, who would have to switch their main source of nutrition (and possibly comfort) every day for 6 months assuming she quits right at the start of summer and not earlier, or the mother who wants to do some number of luxury outings and would have the inconvenience of pumping 1-3 times per week assuming she needs to go out every week to enjoy herself and assuming she actually needs to pump on those outings. Literally no one is telling her to stay inside all the time or to never take an evening for herself or even to skip out on the two things she'd indicated are important to her, so the whole cabin fever thing doesn't make any sense to me.
We all make varying levels of selfish decisions; I don't think it's judgmental for someone to say that they think one of those is more selfish than we should strive to be as moms when someone asks for that input.

 

[supertabby]

Whatever you feel comfortable with will be right for you - however personally I'd recommend holding off making a decision till nearer the time. Bf does get easier as time goes on.

How do you find nursing in public? If you're not comfortable nursing in public then certainty bf can feel very restrictive to your freedom. I never felt happy doing it the first time because DD continously unlatched so being discreet was impossible. This time around it's been much better and I feel quite empowered by it now!

With my first we had loads of issues (some of which I now attribute to undiagnosed tongue tie, since my youngest was diagnosed). I bf until 3 months when she went on nursing strike, and I pumped and combined with formula until 4 months when I could no longer express anything. With my son although he's only 2 months breastfeeding is going so much better (I never knew it could be pain free!) and having experience of being a ff mum I can honestly say I find bf easier. Being the milk supply has it's limitations of course, but if you plan ahead and pump there's no reason why you can't go somewhere without lo. And while you're with lo it's soooo much easier to bf imo - but that's only my perspective and everyone has their own experiences. No viewpoint is wrong, it's all about what's right for you.

Sometimes the thought of having your body back - no nursing bras, no leaking etc - is tempting too but when I feel like that I remind myself I'll have 70plus years of life (hopefully!) and 6 months or a year breastfeeding is no time at all.

 

[Foogirl]

Must just have been me who felt that isolation and cabin fever at 3 months then. Maybe that's why I feel it's necessary to cut her some slack and not jump in with both feet and make her feel like shit. Funny, I thought that was what this forum was supposed to be about.

 

[meli1981]

Why is going out and enjoying the summer for some "me" time considered "pre baby" type activities? Are we not allowed to enjoy a drink or dancing at a club occassionally just cause were moms now? I really feel sorry for people who give up their whole identies just cause they have a baby....you cant lose yourself or noones going to be happy...mom, baby or the whole family...

 

[HKateH]

Must just have been me who felt that isolation and cabin fever at 3 months then. Maybe that's why I feel it's necessary to cut her some slack and not jump in with both feet and make her feel like shit. Funny, I thought that was what this forum was supposed to be about.

Nope. I did too. I also fully agree that the undercurrent of the OP is isolation, cabin fever and the struggle to adapt to motherhood that I also experienced. I felt exactly the same way and can identify with wanting a bit of freedom.

OP, I know this doesn't help much at the moment but there will come a time when those things feel less important and you don't feel so suffocated. Do what is right for you.

 

[MommyJogger]

Must just have been me who felt that isolation and cabin fever at 3 months then. Maybe that's why I feel it's necessary to cut her some slack and not jump in with both feet and make her feel like shit. Funny, I thought that was what this forum was supposed to be about.

There's a difference between support and validation. This forum is also here to solicit honest opinions and feedback, even if it's not necessarily what the poster would like to hear. Everyone feels some form of that at 3 months, but that doesn't make it necessarily justifiable to prioritize baby-free outings over infant nutrition. If something makes you feel like shit, reevaluate, because a stranger's opinion isn't enough to actually make someone feel like shit unless there's a nugget of truth stored in it.

 

[staralfur]

Why is going out and enjoying the summer for some "me" time considered "pre baby" type activities? Are we not allowed to enjoy a drink or dancing at a club occassionally just cause were moms now? I really feel sorry for people who give up their whole identies just cause they have a baby....you cant lose yourself or noones going to be happy...mom, baby or the whole family...

I don't think that's what anyone is saying. After my LO was a few months old I went out for dinner/drinks with friends once every week or two. I think it's completely possible to have "me time" and a social life while breastfeeding.

It doesn't have to be either/or. It just takes some extra effort with pumping. From what the OP has said, she just doesn't want to bother. Which is totally her choice. But if she's going to ask "is this selfish?" then she should expect that there are going to be quite a few people saying "yes."

That doesn't mean she's a bad mom or a selfish person, but it's a selfish choice. As Foogirl has said, we all make them from time to time. You do what you gotta do.

 

[meli1981]

Why is going out and enjoying the summer for some "me" time considered "pre baby" type activities? Are we not allowed to enjoy a drink or dancing at a club occassionally just cause were moms now? I really feel sorry for people who give up their whole identies just cause they have a baby....you cant lose yourself or noones going to be happy...mom, baby or the whole family...

I don't think that's what anyone is saying. After my LO was a few months old I went out for dinner/drinks with friends once every week or two. I think it's completely possible to have "me time" and a social life while breastfeeding.

It doesn't have to be either/or. It just takes some extra effort with pumping. From what the OP has said, she just doesn't want to bother. Which is totally her choice. But if she's going to ask "is this selfish?" then she should expect that there are going to be quite a few people saying "yes."

That doesn't mean she's a bad mom or a selfish person, but it's a selfish choice. As Foogirl has said, we all make them from time to time. You do what you gotta do.

I agree....i bf and still manage to go out and have fun sometimes....but im always thinking...when did i feed him last? Should i pump now? Ouch...my boobs are so full! Its a real pain! Yes i choose to continue... But thats my choice...i dont believe its a selfless choice, its just a choice!
Maybe the op just doesnt want to have those thoughts or worries...and thats ok! Shes entitled to think of herself! I dont think its selfish...i think of it as taking care of herself so she can better take care of her baby

 

[Pielette]

Why is going out and enjoying the summer for some "me" time considered "pre baby" type activities? Are we not allowed to enjoy a drink or dancing at a club occassionally just cause were moms now? I really feel sorry for people who give up their whole identies just cause they have a baby....you cant lose yourself or noones going to be happy...mom, baby or the whole family...

I don't think that's what anyone is saying. After my LO was a few months old I went out for dinner/drinks with friends once every week or two. I think it's completely possible to have "me time" and a social life while breastfeeding.

It doesn't have to be either/or. It just takes some extra effort with pumping. From what the OP has said, she just doesn't want to bother. Which is totally her choice. But if she's going to ask "is this selfish?" then she should expect that there are going to be quite a few people saying "yes."

That doesn't mean she's a bad mom or a selfish person, but it's a selfish choice. As Foogirl has said, we all make them from time to time. You do what you gotta do.

This ^^

I just think it takes a bit of organisation to juggle things but it's easily done. I can't understand why the balance can't be struck. I go to the gym twice a week, sometimes go out for dinner with friends, DH and I went to a show last night, and all of this is while I EBF. I don't actually think anyone needs to lose out. I am a full time mother but I do like a bit of time to socialise with my friends and enjoy nights out with my husband.

 

[MommyJogger]

Why is going out and enjoying the summer for some "me" time considered "pre baby" type activities? Are we not allowed to enjoy a drink or dancing at a club occassionally just cause were moms now? I really feel sorry for people who give up their whole identies just cause they have a baby....you cant lose yourself or noones going to be happy...mom, baby or the whole family...

I'm not sure there's any "real" person (meaning not some drugged out celeb) whose identity is defined by being able to go drinking and clubbing with enough frequency to make doing it while bf a big deal. I'm also pretty sure that most moms can't help but think about their babies while they're away from them, bf or ff.
ETA: Also, it's one year out of someone's life. I think if someone really enjoys something, taking a year off or drastically decreasing it for that year isn't going to ruin their ability to do it in the future. It's temporary.