~ Anorexia, Bulimia & Eating Disorder Support Thread ~

[annawrigley]

Why don't we remind ourselves of the bad parts of our eating disorders? I almost romanticise my struggle with anorexia, I only remember the parts when the number went down on the scale, and I felt so light and free living on coffee and cigarettes, but so many aspects of it were horrible!

- Barely going out with friends because I was too preoccupied thinking about food to have any kind of interesting conversation
-Being constipated for 3 WEEKS (this really happened!)
-Spending Friday nights running in circles round my gardens for hours because I ate a bowl of pasta
-Puking horrificly every time I drank because I was always drinking on an empty stomach!
-The insomnia. I would go for days without sleeping because I was just so unbelievably hungry
-Having grey skin, losing my hair, passing out whenever I got out of bed!
-That shameful feeling after you purged a binge and you have sick in your hair and on your clothes.

This! And the first one, I'd just sit like a zombie incapable of even responding normally lol cos I was so drained

 

[Rin731]

See I can go through periods of binge and purge (my normal routine I suppose, though my purge is typically laxatives vs inducing vomiting).. then feeling guilty and restricting.. but then always going back to the binges. So I don't always consciously worry about calories as I am stuffing my face..

I have a lot of food aversions so I struggle to have a well balanced diet.

My mind is preoccupied with thoughts about how much better my life would be if I was skinny, what number skinny is (as in, what weight in lbs), the things I would do if I was thin.

I blame not getting jobs, relationship issues, everything possible on being fat and/or ugly. I am afraid to apply for certain jobs because I'm fat or not attractive enough to get it.

Contast to you I look in the mirror constantly at my stomach. To see if I notice a difference when I eat etc. But ya, my face.. I tend to focus on my eyes and stuff rather than looking at all of me.

I don't own a scale.. but can't resist weighing myself at everyone's house I go to.

I feel like nothing I acheive matters and I can't enjoy any successes until I get skinny. I worry my daughter will be embarrassed by me or that my OH will not be attracted to me. I refuse to shop for new clothes because I don't want to buy fat clothes anymore, take too many OTC diet/supplement pills at once. Think nothing of taking 3, 4x the dosage of laxatives.. or the normal dose of like 3 kinds.. then I wake up cramping and ill in the night and when I don't take them I'm not regular and I end up taking them because I want to have a BM so badly.

"I don't own a scale.. but can't resist weighing myself at everyone's house I go to.

I feel like nothing I acheive matters and I can't enjoy any successes until I get skinny. I worry my daughter will be embarrassed by me or that my OH will not be attracted to me. I refuse to shop for new clothes because I don't want to buy fat clothes anymore, " <--- Same!

 

[Rin731]

Hey ladies.

I found this website that is so heartbreaking. I gave the link to my husband, and told him he doesn't have to go through it, and it's not meant to bring him down, just help him understand. It's a website where they have pics of people with ED and a little paragraph they wrote about themselves. He looked at it, and said "It's interesting."

Idk if I am being too sensitive, or what, and I know he;s tired f the issue, but it's here, in my head, all the time. And I feel like he's supporting me, and e loves me, and he does, but idk. I just feel like he's tired of trying to understand.

If you want to see the website, google "Skeleton in the closet" + "eating disorders" , and click on "gallery"

 

[Sarah10]

Why don't we remind ourselves of the bad parts of our eating disorders? I almost romanticise my struggle with anorexia, I only remember the parts when the number went down on the scale, and I felt so light and free living on coffee and cigarettes, but so many aspects of it were horrible!

- Barely going out with friends because I was too preoccupied thinking about food to have any kind of interesting conversation
-Being constipated for 3 WEEKS (this really happened!)
-Spending Friday nights running in circles round my gardens for hours because I ate a bowl of pasta
-Puking horrificly every time I drank because I was always drinking on an empty stomach!
-The insomnia. I would go for days without sleeping because I was just so unbelievably hungry
-Having grey skin, losing my hair, passing out whenever I got out of bed!
-That shameful feeling after you purged a binge and you have sick in your hair and on your clothes.

Ok, adding a little humour now i'm actually suffering this because i'm on iron pills

Good advice though, EDS are horrible and one day i want to sit down, eat a meal and not think 'shit what have i done' and then the rest.
The drink thing is horrible also, couple of weeks ago i had my first drink after Jayden was born and i spent all night puking blood. Vile vile vile.

 

[Rin731]

Why don't we remind ourselves of the bad parts of our eating disorders? I almost romanticise my struggle with anorexia, I only remember the parts when the number went down on the scale, and I felt so light and free living on coffee and cigarettes, but so many aspects of it were horrible!

- Barely going out with friends because I was too preoccupied thinking about food to have any kind of interesting conversation
-Being constipated for 3 WEEKS (this really happened!)
-Spending Friday nights running in circles round my gardens for hours because I ate a bowl of pasta
-Puking horrificly every time I drank because I was always drinking on an empty stomach!
-The insomnia. I would go for days without sleeping because I was just so unbelievably hungry
-Having grey skin, losing my hair, passing out whenever I got out of bed!
-That shameful feeling after you purged a binge and you have sick in your hair and on your clothes.

Ok, adding a little humour now i'm actually suffering this because i'm on iron pills

Good advice though, EDS are horrible and one day i want to sit down, eat a meal and not think 'shit what have i done' and then the rest.
The drink thing is horrible also, couple of weeks ago i had my first drink after Jayden was born and i spent all night puking blood. Vile vile vile.

Bad day. Thought I had a hold on it. Blaming myself not working since we're having money problems...so I had a breakdown. A bad one. Ripping at my hair, rocking on the floor,screaming and crying...all in front of husband. Now I just feel like a total failure.
Idk. I just don't anymore. It's like it hurts to BE.

 

[Sarah10]

you aren't a failure at all xx

 

[Rin731]

you aren't a failure at all xx

Thanks. Feeling a bit better. Sometimes I swear I'm bipolar as well...

 

[Sarah10]

have you been to a doc about how you are feeling hun? xxx

 

[Rin731]

have you been to a doc about how you are feeling hun? xxx

Nope. No insurance and 1 income, soooooo. Nope. And I can't for a while, even if I wanted to.

 

[Lauraaraa]

hi, thought i would put up my story.

from the age of 15 i developed anorexia, i stopped eating, if i did eat i would be an apple, and then i would exercise in my room loads on the evening.
the weight just seemed to drop off fast, i got down to 5st. my mam took me to the docs and i got weighed, heigh measured etc, saw a nutritionist, he sent me away after an appointment with him and said to come back 2weeks later. so i did, and when i saw him the 2nd time he told me that if i hadnt put on some weight, i would have been admitted to a eating disorders clinic, i had put on weight luckily.
the anorexia continued for a couple of years, it then developed into bulimia......i started off eating meals and then throwing them up afterwards......however i soon started binging and purging, at first i thought wow this is great i can eat the forbidden foods and still be skinny.
it got to the point tho where i couldnt stand having anything in my stomach. even drinking water made me feel disgusting and full.
then i had times where my weight would go up and down, when it went up i cut down what i binged on and exercised that little bit harder in the gym.
how i didnt collapse i do not know. i think part of me was waiting for that day my heart did just pack in. sad i know, but i was convinced i was never ever going to be free of it. this went on til i was 23 (last year) however, i fell pregnant in june/july 2009, i was bulimic severly at the time, and even though i knew i was pregnant i still amde myself sick. i get flash backs now and i hate myself so much for it. i sadly miscarried in august 2009. and i blame myself for it. ppl can tell me it wasnt my fault, but i am so sure it was. i was hardly healthy.
anyway, it sent me off the rails big time. i left the guy i was with and moved back home.
i carried on being bulimic, and focused on getting thinner and thinner, i cut down on food intake so whatever i was throwing up wasnt alot.
in april last year i met a new guy, i fell for him pretty instant. he made me feel special and loved instantly. i felt feelings i had never felt before ever.
however he is in the forces so is away alot and he also is based south. i live north.
i moved south to be with him, and in august last year (pretty much a year after i m/c'd) i know i fell pregnant veryyyyy quickly after being with this guy, but i love him and i knew instantly i was keeping my baby. but this time i was going to do it differently. i was going to focus on the growing life inside of me, not the eating disorcer which had detroyed to much of my life already.
so i stopped being sick, literally did just stop, stopped taking the anti depressants (fluoxetine) i was taken, threw them all in the bin.
and i havent binged or purged at all thru the pregnancy. i can honestly say i rarely think bout it. if i do its in disbelief that i ever ever let it get a hold of me like it did.
pregnancy has changed my body so much, but, i havent stopped eating, i eat meals, and snack in between, all for my little girl. i just wanted to give her the best start in life.
i handed over my body to pregnancy from the very start.
i know it might seem impossible to imagine that u will ever be free of it, i know it will still always be in my mind.
but its not part of me physically anymore, mentally yes, but not physically
and i am determined that after the birth of my lil girl i wont go back to it. if i feel as though i am i am going to get help instantly.

just thought my story might be inspring to some of you

as i know how hard it is living with an eating disorder for so long. its not nice.

 

[annawrigley]

I really wanna cut right now

 

[rockys-mumma]

Anna! Please don't. I know the feeling all too well but please, try not to.

You know you can always message me on here of FB if you need someone to talk to or i'll PM you my num if you want! xx

 

[annawrigley]

Anna! Please don't. I know the feeling all too well but please, try not to.

You know you can always message me on here of FB if you need someone to talk to or i'll PM you my num if you want! xx

Thanks Noah has just woke up so im not gonna but i hate FOB so much He rang me saying im a fat ugly slag and no one likes me and i have nothing going for me and im a shit mother all because i apparently told his mum i'd wait in for a sofa tomorrow but now i cant do it cos i have other plans all of which cant be changed, so im also an ungrateful selfish bitch and I "will regret this". He was meant to be babysitting on Friday so i can go out so i guess thats not happening now either
xxx

 

[9babiesgone]

I am sorry anna. his mother and your fob seems like a complete dickhead, dont let him get you down like that he is not worth it you. you are a great mother and a great person!!!


I know how you feel felt like cutting lately and cant talk to anyone about it without judgement at least irl

 

[annawrigley]

I fucking hate him, he's just done it again, he won't leave me alone. Every time I ignore his calls he threatens to put "pictures" of me up on his Facebook, I wouldnt put it past him so I keep answering and hes just beating me down I hate him

 

[amandad192]

I've never posted in here before, but I have mentioned my past on other threads before.

I don't know if I'd be considered as having had an eating disorder. I felt like I did, I made myself sick, I starved myself, my weight went down to 6stone 2pound and I was wearing size 4 clothing (considering before all this started I was very meaty, I lost a lot of weight)

Anway I'm just posting here because I need to get this out. I don't want to make a whole thread, but I just want to type it out so I can try to go to bed and stop thinking about it.
The past few weeks I've really struggled to eat. I haven't starved myself completely but spent 2 weeks eating just dinner. A dinner smaller than the amount I serve to Liam.
The past 3 days I've wanted to eat nothing. We're TTC and I'm in the TWW so I'm forcing myself to eat.
Last night I completely broke down. I spent well over an hour crying in my OH's arms. I feel so bad for him having to put up with me. I'm not the same person he got with. I don't feel the slightest bit attractive any more. There's not one part of my body I like. Not even like a little. I HATE everything. My legs are huge and gross and wobbly. My boobs sag more than a 60yr olds. My stomach...I still look pregnant just with extra skin too. My arms hang. Theres no muscle just fat.
I want to starve myself, but I have to fight it because if I'm pregnant, I don't want to harm my baby. I keep deciding "thats it I'm not eating anymore." then I remember I could be pregnant and can't starve myself.
I looked in the mirror tonight and started crying. I hate what I see. The problem is even if I loose the extra weight...I'll still be me.. I'll still be ugly. I'll still have extra skin and saggy bits.

I want a breast uplift, but can't afford it. I want to starve myself, but can't incase I'm pregnant. I want to cut off the extra skin, but I can't because that would just be stupid.

I feel so bad for my OH. He doesn't want to be with a nut job. Why can't I just be normal?

This weather we're having is making life even harder at the minute. I like the winter. Every one is covered up so an extra pound or 2 is ok. It seems EVERYONE is wearing hotpants and tiny little tight tops. But I can't because I'm too fat. I only have 2 bottoms that fit me. 1 pair of jeggings and 1 pair of leggings. I need new clothes but can't stand the thought of going into the shop and buying something in double digits.
The jeggings give me a muffin top so I cant take my cardigan off and the leggings sit right up high and I hang over them up high (I got them recently but got a size 8 because even the thought of a size 10 makes me feel sick)

I feel so confused and messed up. I love food and cooking. I love flavours and chocolate. But I HATE being fat!

I feel like a fake calling myself anorexic, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm in denial. I don't know. I just don't want to eat. I wish I could just go to bed and wake up thin. Wake up with the figure of all the other late teens/early 20's that are walking around in no clothing showing off their tan.

Why Why Why do I have to be me?????

 

[robinator]

I've never posted in here before, but I have mentioned my past on other threads before.

I knew I was AN when it had taken over my life. Completely. When calories and exercise were the only things I could think about and became obsessive about them. I struggled for 4 long years and they were the darkest time of my life and hate that the disease took them away from me.

It sounds like you are on your way (if not there already) and all I can say is, pleasepleasePLEASE talk to someone before it gets out of hand. Don't try to fix it on your own; that is not going to happen. Otherwise you will lose everything. Being AN is not "cool".

 

[_laura]

I'm having a bad day. last night I saw an ex that used to beat me terribly and basically led me to my ED. It just brought everything back. I've just spent the whole morning bingeing and purging
I'm never going to be free from him. I hate knowing that even all these years later he still has a grip on me.
My OH just doesn't understand.

 

[annawrigley]

I'm having a bad day. last night I saw an ex that used to beat me terribly and basically led me to my ED. It just brought everything back. I've just spent the whole morning bingeing and purging
I'm never going to be free from him. I hate knowing that even all these years later he still has a grip on me.
My OH just doesn't understand.

That's how I am with FOB. Does your OH know about your ED?xxx

 

[_laura]

I'm having a bad day. last night I saw an ex that used to beat me terribly and basically led me to my ED. It just brought everything back. I've just spent the whole morning bingeing and purging
I'm never going to be free from him. I hate knowing that even all these years later he still has a grip on me.
My OH just doesn't understand.

That's how I am with FOB. Does your OH know about your ED?xxx

Yeah he just doesn't take it seriously. He thinks that because I haven't done it infront of him that it's not happening. xxxx