~ Anorexia, Bulimia & Eating Disorder Support Thread ~

[jen1604]

Girls I'm having a bad time and needing some advice.

Well,things have well and truly kicked back in with me.I'm at the point where when I eat I feel like I NEED to throw it back up.Like,I just had a really really healthy lunch (roasted veggies and wholewheat pasta) and have made myself sick because I just felt so guilty all that was going through my mind was 'FAT.GET RID OF IT' and sure enough I feel much better and am not consumed with that blind panic now.

BUT I know I can't exist on nothing when I'm running around after a toddler and looking after a baby.I know the advice I would offer one of you girls would be try to eat little healthy bits but I know its not going to happen and its going to panic me What do I do?Because I know if I don't eat anything I could all too easily slip back into not eating anything for days too....

Oh girls,what do I do?Help?

 

[shocker]

Im sorry to hear your having such a hard time hun I think I know what you mean about the eating little bits, I find its pretty much all or nothing.What I do when I find myself slipping is everytime I eat I say to myself "ok you can purge in 3 minutes" then the next time its 4 then 5 and so on and it helps because you know that eventually you can do it.You just find something to distract you for those few minutes, anything you can although it will be hard to concentrate.If you keep doing this over time then you'll get to a point where your at 15 or 30 minutes and the compulsion has subsided to the point where you feel you can say no to purging.Another thing I found helpful when things where hard and I couldnt get out of a cycle is to go on a meal replacement diet, you get your nutrients and you get back into a routine of eating without purging, I found I just couldnt purge after a meal bar or shake. I hope your doing ok and just remember your stronger whether you realise it or not and you can get through it x

 

[jen1604]

Thanks honey thats really good advice actually I'd never thought of the time thing but I know if it gets to half an hour or so after eating then I'm a lot calmer and feel like theres no point in purging so I'll try and work up to that.
Thank you xxxx

 

[tasha41]

Jen. I know how you feel totally

shockers advice sounds really good!! Sorry I am not much help.

 

[tasha41]

How do you guys talk about EDs with your OHs...

or do you??

My OH asked me shortly after we started dating, I said no and it was kind of the end of it.

 

[TheNewWife]

How do you guys talk about EDs with your OHs...

or do you??

I don't. He knows that it was a big problem for me, but I don't think he truly gets it. It's just easier not to say anything.

 

[tasha41]

I worry sometimes he'll ask me again about it once we start living together.

Tonight I had to go out and buy cold medicine and wanted to pick up some Senokot as I am low but I knew he'd ask me why I have to buy so much.

 

[baby_dixon]

I am sooo glad I found this post!
I am only TTC but am struggling with thoughts of reverting back to anorexia which I've been recovering from for only 6 months or so...and I started working out to try and feel better about it without having to starve yself...but now I find myself exercising for hours and hours and hours and still wanting to eat less and less and thinking up ways to eliminate food and add exercise and lose weight and see ore results...

I hate it. I just want to be healthy and happy, and I want to achieve a healthy pregnancy and not hate my body the whole time.

 

[jen1604]

How do you guys talk about EDs with your OHs...

or do you??

I don't. He knows that it was a big problem for me, but I don't think he truly gets it. It's just easier not to say anything.

^Same.He knows I had/have an ED disorder and that I don't talk about it.

I am sooo glad I found this post!
I am only TTC but am struggling with thoughts of reverting back to anorexia which I've been recovering from for only 6 months or so...and I started working out to try and feel better about it without having to starve yself...but now I find myself exercising for hours and hours and hours and still wanting to eat less and less and thinking up ways to eliminate food and add exercise and lose weight and see ore results...

I hate it. I just want to be healthy and happy, and I want to achieve a healthy pregnancy and not hate my body the whole time.

Well we are all here for you hon. xx

 

[shocker]

Having a difficult day today I have been doing great for ages now but today my friend sent me a link to her youtube blog so I could stay updated on how shes doing now that we're not neighbours anymore and I looked through her old videos and as awful as it sounds I got a bit jealous We became friends when we were both getting treatment at the same hospital and I love her to bits! Ive been doing really well and shes been getting worse why the hell am i jealous I dont understand my stupid head at the best of times but its like she still has her companion and mines gone and its like losing your security blanket and your sister still having hers I know deep down im being an idiot, I should be happy with how far ive come and how well im doing and not long for basically a slow suicide but theres still that small part of me that just would give anything to have that right now.Im really struggling with the urge to b/p right now and its so frustrating cause ive not done in ages

 

[jen1604]

I think its natural to feel that way chicky,I know I do with some of my eating disorder friends.But just keep reminding yourself how much better off you are out of it. Its a long long road and I think sometimes we have to take a couple of steps backwards before we can get to the end of it.Don't submit to the need to b/p,come on here and talk to us instead.
xxxxxxx

 

[tasha41]

YouTube videos, for me, are one of the most negative things to look at, worse than pro-ED websites, blogs, etc. I don't know why but they always make me feel either the worst about myself or the most motivated to do something about it.

Stay strong hun... how are you doing now?

 

[shocker]

Thanks so much, Im quite proud of myself because I really wasnt prepared for how badly I wanted to yesterday but I got through it.I went for a really long walk and smoked until I felt sick but managed to not give in.It was on my mind all day nonstop and I had to stay away from the supermarkets and just go to the park, it was really really hard In the end I rang my doc and told her I was on holidays and we had a chat so it was ok, I think the stress of moving away from home aswell is just a bit more than I thought it would be.Im determined and feeling much stronger today, I even signed myself up to a gym so I can lose weight in a healthy way Hope your all doing ok x

 

[tasha41]

I hope you continue to be stay strong and in control of things

 

[jen1604]

How are we all doing ladies? x

 

[CandyApple19]

hello, was just linked to this thread and was wondering whether anyone else was in the same position as me and wondering what to do about it??

Im underweight but dont think im fat, nor do i make myself sick, but my brain doesnt register when im hungry and the only way i know is when my tummy starts to hurt, but then when it stops, i forget again that i havent eaten anything.

xxx

 

[fluffy]

Hi, Just thought i'd say hola, i pop over and have a read once in a while. I have suffered with anorexia and bulimia for 10 years and been hospitalised etc, had no menstrual cycle for 9 years and really didnt think i would ever have chance to have a child. However after my last stint in ed unit my husband took a sabbatical from work and we went travelling for 6 months to try and break routine and finally get out of the cycle....well, while we were away a new branch of hubbys work opened here in spain he was asked if he was interested and here we are 2 years later living in spain and 26 weeks weeks pregnant (had 3 erratic cycles and got lucky!).
I consider myself incredibly lucky and am not stupid enought to believe that i am cured because now my bump is begining to show and people make comment on my shape i feel very selfconcious, but hey, we have gotten this far!
Sorry for waffling!

 

[tasha41]

This is my favourite picture of my body.

I miss being pregnant... gaining weight was hard but I never felt so beautiful in my life. I was almost 29 weeks in this photo.

 

[Pilot]

Hi ladies

I don't really know if this is the place. I have never actually talked to anyone about this. I told my OH but he just tells me the usual you are not fat/don't be silly.

When I was 13 I all of a sudden gained a lot of weight. I used to be so naturally skinny when I was little so people would even ask if I was fed at home. But at 13 I got hips and boobs and all that and gained "a lot" (I thought then..), about 5 or so kg but was still average weight. My mum also kept going on about how my clothes don't fit any more and how those stretch marks are showing and my stomach are "hanging out" when sitting. I don't think she meant it in such a mean way but it really has stuck with me and is a huge deal of the reason why this has happened. I have tried telling her it hurt me but she just brush it off with "I never said that"..

I started eating for comfort. Hey, I was already fat enough as it is so why not just eat right? I got then 85kg at my heaviest (which now is not really that much compared to now).

At 15 I changed school and I moved into dorm rooms at my school. This is when I just couldn't be bothered being "fat" any more and with noone there to notice it got out of control. I pretty much stopped eating everything. Most days I survived on a little tub of yoghurt and loads of water. If I had a sandwich from the cafeteria at school I would feel awful for days. Most days I did nothing but sleep constantly to "survive" the feeling of being hungry. There was a lot of days I skipped school simply because I didn't have the energy for it. This created a huge problem for me because my parents thought I did it because I was lazy. I also started smoking because having a fag made me feel sick so it put me off food and so I felt sick instead of hungry. Very effective..

During this time I also worked every day I had off so it was either at school during weekdays or working in the weekends/vacations. It turned extreme in the summer I turned 16. I was working full time that vacation and my parents was away so again noone was watching how much I was eating. Combined with the heat that summer and the stress of working it became too much and I fainted 3 times in the toilet stalls and once at my desk (luckily noone was around). I was only out for about a minute or so I think but I didn't really realise that it was as bad as it was. I did throw up some times but I stopped out of fear that my dentist would notice and then force something onto me to fix my ED.

Thing is that while doing this I kept getting so many compliments about how much I had lost weight and how good I was looking from family and friends. So why stop eh?

So after school was done I went into full time at my job... for about a month. I got demoted to part-time because I was off too much, again because I didn't have any energy to do anything and I pretty much was just sleeping/distant most of the time. At this point I had pretty much figured out how to eat as little as possible without passing out so I just continued what I had done before but now I had a sandwich or pizza on Fridays when I was working and just water and maybe a plain krackerbread some days the rest of the week. At my lowest I was 45kg. Tried so hard to get lower but couldn't My parents still thinking the reason I was so distant and sleeping all the time was because I was lazy and this has to this day made our relationship very tense. They still don't know.

Then I met my OH when I was 19 He is lovely. I moved in with him and everything was lovely. But I started gradually eating what he does out of fear that he would discover that I have an ED. After "eating normally" for half a year I soon started realising that what I had done before was quite insane and I don't get why I did it at all. For some time I just felt happy that I could eat what I wanted, my OH would still approve of my looks and I would not have to feel faint! It was great..

Now I am quite overweight. 96kg last time I checked, but I might even have gained even more since then. I feel disgusting and horrible and so pissed at myself for allowing this to happen. I'm also so mad that I have messed with my body so badly that I got stretch marks and cellulite everywhere.

So the past month I have gone back to old tracks. I'm eating nothing but a granola bar a day and drinking water. I also now pretty much sleep 13-14 hours a day and when I'm awake I don't have any energy to do nothing but lay down in bed. My OH thinks I'm ill but he has no idea really

I know this is going to mess up TTC and I should do it the proper way but it's so hard to shed myself of the thoughts I have. I don't want to feel like shit but I have to. My goal is nowhere near looking emaciated. But I just want to be THIN! Want to be perfect! If I find myself eating something "normal" my thoughts usually start running wild and I start gagging from having the food in my mouth. I feel sick of the thought thinking that that disgusting food is down in my belly. Want to just clean it all out!

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just really want to get it out in writing as I have never ever done it before. And if you have read this far then.. thank you.

 

[jen1604]

Pilot.

I can understand all of what you wrote.
Unfortunately,my mum was very much like yours too.She is very skinny herself and has always commented on mine and my sisters weight.
You really sound like you could do with some help sweetie and while we can all help you as much as we can I think you could benefit from a chat with your GP and they can refer you to an expert who will be able to help you that much more than we can.

Try and eat small healthy meals sweetie and build up to normal sized meals.I know with me the guilt of eating junk food is so much worse than if I have something low fat and healthy.Maybe set yourself a goal of managing to eat a certain amount of calories a day and increase that gradually?
Here for you sweetie,this will get better