any other over 35 first time mums?

[SabrinaKat]

Guys, I love you so much, but as I think I once wrote earlier, people really don't understand mania.

Talk therapy doesn't work; only drugs work. This has nothing to do with bottled up feelings, though I really, really wish it did! Chemicals in my brain--in particular, a hormone called serotonin--are not remaining steady and I therefore can't control my mood. I wasn't joking about the conversations with the doctors: that's exactly how they went. I have what's called Ultradium Bipolar, whereby I cycle incredibly rapidly between mania and depression. But strangely, mania appears to be the dominant mood this time, which is not typical.

But I've looked at my drug cocktail and see the snafu, so I know what to change until the 3rd, when my p-doc can take over.

In the meantime, J is at Oma's and there has been a cross country call to action. This illness is a nightmare. When things go wrong, they go really, really wrong.

SK--I had absolutely no idea you were bipolar! What is your official diagnosis?

In my case, I was diagnosed at Oxford after I had a few months of not sleeping and generally becoming obsessed with my studies. I had had episodes earlier of manic creativity followed by deep, dark, tearful depression. However, at Oxford, everybody seemed to be handed anti-depressants, but I think part of it (for me) was also unresolved grief about a variety of issues, including the boyfriend's death the year before. My GP there was great and made me feel that it was 'normal', e.g. a chemical imbalance and that was okay, plus the college counseller (another academic) was great with talking therapy, so for me, I was able to survive and I think, thrive.

My GP here doesn't think I am true bi-polar, but rather more anxious. They continued the Seroxat (like Prosac) until a few years ago (when ttc), when I moved to an old school type medication called Amytriptyline (apologies for spelling mistakes), which was 'better' in pregnancy, and which I still use for sleeping. I am not sure whether I am still considered 'bi-polar' as with medication, sleep and talking therapy (for me, cognitive behavioural therapy was very good in giving me techniques if I started to spiral out of control), but I have an understanding of true bi-polar, and how scary that it. I guess you would say I have a mild case, if that makes sense?

I did have the drug cocktail at Oxford and my mother was very concerned when I went home for Christmas as she was very understanding about the mental issues, but after doing some research, felt that they were oversubscribing me. However, at the time, what I was on, was right. Over the course of a few years, I did come slowly off of most and now take only the sleeping tablets and the thyroid meds.

I have been particularly lucky that talking therapy did work for me, but there were times were the drugs cocktail were more effective.

Not much here - thanks for good wishes and hopes for ttc....my thoughts range from a bit of excitement (and hope), but I would always regret not trying. I have decided that if nothing happens and we aren't lucky, c'est la vie. If we are lucky, great....

hugs to all!

bye!

 

[Storm1jet2]

Oh SK I was on amytriptiline (can't spell that either) after a car accident as I had constant tingling down my left arm. I used to pass out about ten minutes after I took one... As for the TTC, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Not much here, I'm wrecked after a days decorating...oh and dh is away to work...

 

[AngelUK]

Good morning ladies

My mum left yesterday so I will hopefully have more time again now. It is only just gone 6 but Dominic woke me at 5:40 this morning so I am sitting here trying to ignore his whining (so the early waking doesn't get a habit) and starting my post to you. No doubt I will only be able to finish it much later.

kosh oh you poor thing! I am so sorry you aren't coping well! Have you got your referral yet? I really hope it won't take them ages to be able to help you.
Oh and of course I was not offended at you suggesting that this was a phase with Sebastian's eating! It could easily have been after all from what I hear on here. I am always glad to be given hope

Storm hows it going with the toddler bed? I hope still well? Has she worked out yet that she can leave it easily? Hope she stays put!
And how lovely that you can feel your baby already
I am a bit surprised that your DH didn't feel the need to help you decorate L's new room. But self reliance is so often the name of the game for us women, isn't it Hope you didn't exhaust yourself too much though

clio how horrid for you to be threatened like that, when it isn't as if you are not perfectly willing to get the help you need! And then to be sent off like that! And while I don't think talk therapy will be much of a solution for your type of depression, it might still help with other things, might it not? We are always here to listen and give you a virtual hug but perhaps a "professional listener" might also do you good? Plus it might help to have another person looking out for you? My friend Mischi who has depression (though not manic) seems to find benefit in it but maybe that is different. And as for thinking that you are a troll! Seriously woman! I think I speak for all of us ladies here when I say we think that you are a lovely intelligent person with a great sense of humour and that your posts are always interesting and often pleasurable to read, not to mention that your J is the most adorable, intelligent and entertaining boy!

Sabrina I too say go for it with the ttc! If you do have another MC that would be of course so heartbreaking but I too don't think you will regret trying but may well always regret not trying What does your DH think btw? Would he too like another baby? Or is he going to say "You wanted another baby!"

kitty_Love I love my mac air but my brother gave me one he had spare (sounds weird but my brother is kind of an addict to trying new computers for his company) and I too was staggered when I found out how much they cost! And if you got a good deal on your desktop, then better spend the extra money on Blake How is he doing? I hope all is well? And did your DH agree for you to post a new piccie of him? Would love to see one but I do understand if you are reluctant

Charlie I hope you are feeling better? I really hope so cause in three days you'll be off! I bet you are scared and excited at the same time. But I am so impressed with Sophia, though I kinda thought she would be standing and crawling soon. She seemed ready to go even when we met at the park
I hope the trip will do your mum good. Really sounds as though she had a tough time in the last 2 years, poor thing!

Leeze How is Kia? Is she all better now? Such a high fever, poor little thing! That answer of viral infection is so unhelpful, isn't it! It is why I was reluctant to take my boys to our GP when they had a bit if a fever now and again over the last week or so.
I hope things with your OH get better, I am not always completely enamoured of mine either cause it sometimes seems he hasn't got a romantic bone in his body.

Indigo Just post when you have the time and don't worry with having to keep up!
How sweet Nico jumping with joy at swimming! I wish I could take mine but no way am I donning a cossie! Not even for my little lovely boys lol

Borboleta cute new avvie picture Is T pointing at a plane? Dominic does point up when ever there is a plane over us, which can be every 2 minutes as we live in the flightpath lol
The story of T and the nursery is heartbreaking! Aww poor little man! As for getting him used to more kids at once, maybe there is a soft play centre where you are that you could try? Or even a gymboree type thing? But I am guessing he would have been ok at the nursery had you or your DH remained there with him. How was he at your friends' house playing with the 22 and 20 months olds?
I am glad your DH is enjoying his job. I bet it was a huge boost to his mood and self esteem to finally be working again

As for us: As I mentioned before I think, Dominic had half a day of fever about a 10 days ago and then another one last Monday. I have no idea what that was but I caught it off him and was not feeling too great for about 2 or 3 days but I am ok now. I just wish I knew what is going on with him cause he seems to have a lot of diarrhoea too but seems ok in himself. So I was wondering if it is what they call Toddler Diarrhoea. But I do try to give him enough fibre and I thought he got enough with the fruit and sweetcorn etc. Dunno. But seems to have started since we give him all that fingerfood.
Feeding Sebastian is still the same problem, though he did nibble at a few things lately. Maybe this is a start. I know he has cut at least two molars as I heard him grind them. But I am not sure if they are sufficiently out to not be painful, so this might also be preventing him chewing. I really hope once they are properly in, he will chew!
Dominic got his first shoes YAY! Well apparently they are called Prewalkers as the sole is super soft but to us they count as first shoes They look huge on him but she did measure and all and I guess they are the right size as he walks well in them. He is a 5 G and his feet are apparently quite wide. I wonder what Sebastian's size will be but I am sure while maybe not necessarily much smaller, they would be a lot narrower, as he has such delicate little feet. (Are you all enamoured with your LO's feet like I am? They are just soo cute ) So maybe a 4 or 5 D? He will only get shoes when he actually starts toddling of course.
Oh and now a question to you all: when your LO's wake earlier in the morning than is usual but not so early it can be counted as a night waking, do you get them up or do you let them whine and play in their beds for a while till their normal wake up time? As I mentioned, Dominic woke at 5:40 this morning but I remained firm till 6:30 when he started crying. I would have left him till 7 but for the crying. I just don't want him to get ideas about waking this early as a rule. But maybe I am being overly cautious? And did you know that there apparently is a 18 months sleep regression? I am dreading that this will affect my boys! Please please pass us by! Have any of your LOs shown any signs of this?

Right, time for the boys' breakkie. Hope all are well and I am sending to all.

 

[SabrinaKat]

Finn will sometimes wake up early-ish, but we manage to get him to stay in bed (weekends only) until about 8ish. He's been sleeping really well the last few nights, but last night, did a proper wake-up around 1am, but after a bottle and a cuddle (and I moved him onto the bed anyway), he did fall asleep until about 6.30ish this am....so far, so good if there is an 18th month regression....

clio - you're NOT a troll at all! As I said before, I like seeing that you are around whenever I log on!

must go as only on my break....

bye!

ps. and yes, angel - little toddler toes and feet are adorable!

 

[Borboleta]

Angel: we had an early wake up day too !! 5am!!! Thanks to my OH getting up early to go workout before work !! But I didn't go get him until he start whining 45 min later. He went to take his first nap at 8:15am! I should try to take a nap too but I just can't go to sleep when I think of all the things that I can get it done while he is taking a nap. At least I hope he will go to bed earlier tonight .
Hope you had a good time with your mom.
And thiago did alright playing with his little buddies. He refused to eat dinner with all of us ( I didn't have a high chair for him so he won't sit on my lap long enough to consider eating . So he went to play with toys while we ate and so as his little buddies ( great eaters by the way) and then when we had a free high chair he didnt eat anything. So he was a bit crabby most of the time!! My sister was telling me a story from super nanny about a little girl that refused to eat ( well she mainly ate ice cream and bad food), and the parents try to force her to eat. And what she told the mom to do was to put the food in front of her and just ignore her if she started fussing and saying that she was not going to eat. Than to tell her she had 10 min to eat or the plate was going away. She didnt eat so she went to bed without dinner. The next morning she was hungry and started to eat what was given to her. So I am trying to do that with little t. I offer food to him and if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat. But if he is whining too much I will offer him some cereal or a banana !!

So I better get something done before little t wakes up. Talk to you ladies soon .

 

[Indigo77]

Angel
When N wakes early we give him a bottle & he falls asleep for a bit longer. But I'm sure you've already thought of that. Or, is he already off bottles?

N wears a size 7 shoe. Am I the only one w a huge kid here?

Yeah...there's no way in hell anyone is seeing me in a bathing suit, either. He swam w my DH & I took pics & vids.

B...I keep imagining poor Thiago crying his little heart out & it pisses me off that no one thought to come get you.

I don't mess around w food...he either eats what's in front of him or he doesn't eat. Sounds heartless, right? I trust that his hunger will guide him & call it a day. Is he a banana lover like N? N calls them 'banas'.

How's it going Clio & Kosh?

everyone

My mother has been in town for almost 2 weeks & wants to see N today. We don't get along, so I'm feeling stressy. Hopefully my sister will keep her in check. My god, I hope she behaves!

Not sure if I mentioned this here, but after 5 years of trying to adopt, my sister & her hubby are expecting their one & only! They have a surrogate who is 13 weeks pregnant! I still can't believe it!

 

[clio]

Well, I'm glad no one thinks I'm a troll! Would you mind if I explained exactly what's going on?

First, I agree with all of you--talk therapy is very important tool for controlling this illness. There is, in fact, a trio of treatments which need to be simultaneously worked on: drug therapy, talk therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I've been in talk therapy because of the depressive part of the illness since I was 20, including a couple of 6 week long daily out-patient group sessions (agreeing to these sessions was at times the only way to get discharged from the hospital). I've been hospitalized 5 times since this illness started. No stay has been under 6 weeks. But after my...3rd (?) stay, I finally landed a good psychiatrist and stayed with him for a decade.

It's only since I arrived in Edmonton that I can't find one that I don't have to pay for. Because psychologists aren't covered by Health Canada, it's $300 a session, out of pocket. And in this province, psychiatrists, whom the state will pay for, don't do talk therapy. But I couldn't afford the other option, which I tried a number of times, hoping I'd find a therapist who was worth $1,200 a month. Finally, I've been given a list of psychiatrists who have figured out how to charge Health Canada for talk therapy, which means I wouldn't have to pay a thing. We have left voicemail messages with all of them, but they're all on vacation. But it's clear that it's almost a year-long wait because no one wants to pay for psychiatric care. Oh, but only one doctor deals with bipolar and has an even longer waiting list.

But currently I'm having a rough time with this rapid cycling, which appears to have landed on hypo-mania and won't budge. I'm spending money right left and centre. I'm flying off the handle at the most ridiculous things and constantly insult everyone, family and strangers alike. I have pressurized speech (in other words, I can't stop talking) and racing thoughts. I'm losing weight (20 pounds?!?) like crazy without changing my diet. I'm paranoid and believe all my in-laws, neighbours and doctors are out to get me. I sleep only because I am drugged to my eyeballs with tranquilizers. I have incredible bouts of energy and I forget about my joint; yesterday, I worked in the garden, weeding, watering and transplanting perennials for hours. In the rain. Then I went in and built a huge train set that takes up our entire front "foyer." I haven't had this much energy for years.

Oh, and then I ordered over $200 of items that I felt the train set needed. Eric decided to take action and took all of my credit cards away, deleted the document that has all of my credit card numbers, and made me disable all "one-click" or "rush checkout" options on my favourite online sites and delete the cards on record. Oh, and to by-pass access to both PayPal and my own measly bank account, he made me empty my bank account into a savings account to which I have no access.

My child leaves the house every morning to go to relatives because they're all afraid of what I'll do. I'm also supposed to never be left alone, but Eric can't always uphold that promise, so he's driving like a maniac all the time to drop J off somewhere or pick him up so he can get back home. And I actually don't care that J is gone. Just looking at him makes me think of pain, then incredible resentment, anger, depression, and then I start to cycle.

This is my reality right now. What would really, really help is if you read up a bit on the illness, so you understand what's happening. I'm not Bipolar I manic currently, I just have all the awful parts of hypo-mania, and none of the nice ones. The pain associated with taking care of J is a huge contributing factor, and sadly, all pain meds screw around with my brain chemistry, whether it's pot, or opioids.

If you'll notice on the site below, it talks about talk-therapy, which is exactly as you are suggesting: key. But, that is an issue for another time. The idea that I will eventually get someone to talk to gives me no reassurance right now. I need my drug cocktail fixed so it will also allow for pain meds, and I won't get that for at least another week when my p-doc comes back. Anyway, a link:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml

You don't have to read it all (the meds part is boring, though I have been on almost all of the ones listed). But if you could look in particular at "mixed states" and "rapid cycling," both of which I'm going through right now, that would really help. Though in the past, I've experience every single symptom in the Mania and Depression columns.

Please know that I love all of you, and find you so kind for being so concerned. If you wish to ask questions, go ahead; I love speaking and writing so much these days (and about myself, no less), and it would make me feel better. As I said, it's such a lonely illness because no one understands it. I really need you to understand at least part of it.

Oh, and one last thing: there might be a bad depressive period coming up. Or not--I manage to defy the odds a lot. The one anti-depressant I'm on, which I suspect is sending me up instead of keeping me steady, is slowly being weaned out of my system so I can get back on my original anti-depressant (hospital p-doc's orders). However, the original anti-depressant takes four weeks to take hold, and there will be a period of a week or two where I am anti-depression-less. So, fair warning, I guess.

I'm also sorry that I haven't responded to anyone else's posts; I actually haven't read them.

 

[clio]

Here--some of the fruits of my labour:

https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3730/9606675235_bb173aeeb3_z.jpg

https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2830/9606680467_e7a7509feb_z.jpg

 

[Leeze]

Thanks for sharing, Clio. Sorry it'll take a while to sort your meds out. Sounds really tough x

 

[Leeze]

Angel - if Kia wakes early then I normally give her milk and most of the time she goes back to sleep for a while. She doesn't really whine though, she either cries or asks for Mummy milk!

Borboleta - if Kia doesn't eat then I usually give her something I think she will eat or some fruit or pudding. I don't believe in letting children go hungry. They're so little still. I also tend to prefer more gentle parenting methods than things on supernanny. Mind you, she's getting much better at telling me what she wants which makes it easier. If she doesn't like something she will push it away and say "all done" and then I'll offer fruit or pudding or toast/bread etc. Or she might refuse what I've given her then want something that OH and I are eating an hour later so we'll give her some of that instead.

I'm so tired today. Last few nights have been multiple wake-ups again. Its always me getting up too. OH will get up if I ask him to but Kia mainly wants Mummy and mummy milk so he's not really much use in that respect! I keep reminding myself they're only little for a short time and this will pass!

 

[Borboleta]

Clio: . Like you said unless you have gone thru something like that I cannot imagine how you are truly feeling. I am just mad that emergency doctors are not given more attention to what you are telling them. Plus having to wait for your doctor to come from vacation !!! They should have someone else on staff to help you so you don't have to be without the right drugs for so long !!! I said this before but you are vary blessed to have your OH that seems to understand what is happening to you. Can your mom come to watch J too? Could you fly to where she live and get a better doctor down there? That might require you to stay there for some months and it would probably be really hard on you not seeing J for longer but maybe your OH or your MIL could fly there with him for you to see him. Not sure why I am suggesting this because it would probably be expensive! I just feel bad for you not having the medical help that you need right now. . But at this moment you need to care for yourself. J and OH are secondary. And I know this is off topic but your train track pictures are a work of art. And how you wrote love mommy ... So cute. my friend and we are here for you.

Indigo: thiago is about a size 6.5, maybe 7. His feet are huge!!! I was laughing the other day because I was watching him playing bare footed and I was thinking " my gosh, look at the size of those feet!!".
And the people from the church had our phone number and they said they would call in case he was inconsolable, but I guess that means hysterical to them .
And I am sorry you and your mom don't get along. But sometimes is better to keep a distance isn't it. Has she ever seen Niko before? And what an amazing story about your sister!!! How old is she? So wonderful that they got a surrogate!! God bless them with a lovely healthy child.
And I am so amazed by your comment with the food? Do you feed him often or just 3 times a day? I need to be more like you .

 

[kosh]

OMfG clio
Read it all and a bit more
I have no words.
I've experienced only one of the symptoms, racing toughts, and that was bad enough.
Can I ask, do you know what caused it? sorry if you mentioned it, but I went back and read your recent posts and couldn't find it. did your doc change your meds? do you think the pot might have had anything to do with it?

how else can we help?
xxx

 

[clio]

kosh--sorry--I never did say. It's just so convoluted a story with doctors prescribing medications that have caused havoc. Long story short: my doctors f*cked up and prescribed me medications that, when combined, made me manic. Plus, my p-doc inexplicably took me off of my very stable anti-depressant and gave me an SSRI instead (like Prozac, Zoloft, Pazil), which is the worst thing to give someone with bipolar. SSRIs induce mania, so we're not allowed to have them. So not only did the drug serve as a "back door" for the mania to get out, it basically pushed it through the door. Hence my med change, with all the weaning. And I'm certain that all the pain meds I've been on, both prescription or from my friend, haven't helped the situation at all. But I'd rather be hypo-manic and not in pain, than utterly depressed, hurting and immobile. Nor do I want to become addicted to morphine. So, I just have to wait a bit more before we can sort this all out. I shouldn't have to, but that's public health care for you.

And thank you so much for what you wrote.

Re: how you can all help, I can still only think of asking questions and reading the link I posted. I am currently rapid cycling or in a mixed state; that should help explain things. These states are the reason why I'm not standing at a heavy downtown intersection in France and declaring myself the second coming of Joan of Arc.

 

[clio]

Borboleta--regarding my own family, Eric and I have been looking into exactly that. The only problem is that I wanted soooo badly to take J to show him all of the "things" I grew up with, like the Zoo, or Toronto Island, or the lake down from our house. Plus, I want him to meet his cousin.

My mum can't come here again, either, because she discovered last time that she's too old to take care of J on her own (she's 73). Eric and his mum are making babysitting plans for now and I'm leaving them to it. When J is home, I play with him with the trains and read him a story or two, and then exit quietly back to my room when it gets to be too much.

And yes, my OH is a wonderful man. And his family is just as wonderful. I'm incredibly lucky.

 

[charlie15]

Clio.

I second what borboleta has said about there being no one to stand in to change your meds in the absence of your reg psych.

It's the same here in the uk with urgent or emergency mental Heath care, it's utter crap! Unless yiu absolutely are that women in France claiming to be Joan of arc, in which case you will be sectioned under tye mental health act and admitted.If you're not quite there yet, but you're equally not functioning in your life it's Bloody awful. Unfortunately I see it too often where I work, mental health services here drive me nuts at work! I am so glad though that you have an amazing OH an family to support you.

Good night x

 

[Indigo77]

Borboleta
N has 2 bottles & 5 mini-meals/ day....so no, I'm not letting him go hungry.. (sorry, Leeze's comment cracked me up )

Yes, my mother was here for the birth & saw him again when he was 3/4 months old. She behaved while we were over there & by the end, N started warming up to her (she gave him cake).

 

[Indigo77]

Clio
I read the link. I'm quite familiar w bipolar disorder, but not rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. It seems like you have a wonderful support system in place...I just wish you had better health care. Please hang in there....

 

[clio]

Oh, just looked at the rest of the site I linked to. Wow is it long! If you have the time or desire, just read the very first part, basically up the definition of a rapid cycler. Sorry!

 

[kosh]

thanks clio. now a very odd question - when you made that train track, had you pictured the shape of the rails beforehand or you built it as you went along?

borboleta - I can usually tell if he doesn't eat because he's not hungry or because he doesn't like what I gave him. if it's the latter I do offer him something else.

leeze - i know the feeling...and I too keep telling myself 'this shall pass'
how does Kia ask for milk? gael shouts 'teta,teta'.

indigo - forgot to say, brilliant news re. your sister and bil. they must be really excited.
and have you seen your mum yet?

sabrina - have a question for you. you went away for a few days right? and said you shouldn't have brought so many toys wit you? could you tell me what you now think is necessary and what is not?

angel - I looove Gael's feet and yay for first shoes! I love tiny shoes too, in fact I bought a new pair eventhough they were not 'needed' (mind you I buy everything second hand, so not too bad )
how is it going with the food and Seb? Have you tried giving him food when he's doing something else? Gael sometimes doesn't want to eat because he's too interested in playing or doing other things, so if I leave the plate on the floor he'll just come and grab some while doing stuff. I know, def not the best eating habit (and we don't do it often really) but maybe you can try and see what he does?

I haven't got the referal yet but I am feeling much better. Not sure what made the difference

 

[Storm1jet2]

Clio I had a look through the site and another few sites aswell - its actually been really helpful as MIL is manic depressive and I have found her immensely difficult to deal with. In her case though its less of the mania and more of the depression, she can take herself to bed for weeks on end - and interestingly I also saw that diabetes and obesity can be linked too and she has both.

What I love about this thread is that although we may not understand what you are going through no one judges and no one shys away from mental illness, maybe that is something to do with being a little older and having more life experience? As the other ladies have said we are here for you to read or vent to and know that you, DH and J are in our thoughts daily.

Kosh have you had your appointment yet? We haven't forgotten about you at the moment either!

Not much here - L went to bed of her own free will last night but needed me at 10, 2 and 5 so I'm sleepy! Oh and she has size 6 feet which I think is a 7 US..

Catch up more later