Hi girls,
I am sorry that I havent been around much lately and I probably wont be around that often for a while I think. LTTC is really hard on me right now and I think I need a break.
Everything was looking good for my surgery on 03/06 except that I am still trying to make sure that the anethesiologist is in network with my health insurance so I dont get stuck with some crazy bill. I was having a hard time verifying it and the surgery scheduler at my Dr's office is supposed to be veryfying it for me. I was using my tax return to help pay for the out of pocket cost because my insurance has a 350 deductible and pays 85% so i have to pay 15%. I was having a major anxiety attack thinking about having to pay for surgery when our financial picture is not that great and than I was freaking myself out getting scared about having surgery in general...
If the anethesia is out of network I might post pone the surgery for a while. In general I was thinking of postponing it for a while just because financially we have been kind of tight lately and I have been feeling stressed out about our finances. It might be better if we just saved our tax return instead of using it for surgery right now. I havent made up my mind for sure yet though. The surgery scheduler can move me to a different location for the procedure and than I would have a different anethesiologist as well if I need to reschedule and move the surgery. Hopefully sometime this week I can find out for sure what is going on.
Plus to be totally honest with you I am so mentally exhausted and burned out from LTTC and I was thinking of taking some time off and just focusing on finding a job and improving our financial picture, and just enjoying life... I really feel like I need a break right now and I havent been on B&B that much lately.
Part of me is leaning towards putting off the TTC stuff until our finances are better for a couple of years, I guess after all of the let downs with LTTC I feel like I am tired of trying and jumping through all of these hoops to get pregnant, and my relationship is affected negatively by LTTC and add in financial stress and it is exhausting. I just dont have it in me anymore and I feel like I am over the need to have a baby right now at least for a little while, I just dont think i can keep at this like this anymore.... sigh... I know you girls can understand where I am coming from..
Because the next step for me and DH after the surgery would be IUI and I dont know if I am ready to jump on that emotional rollercoaster, the high of getting your hopes up and than the extreme low if it doesnt work. I dont know if I have the energy to handle that right now or anytime soon. Part of me is scared that the IUI wont be enough to get me my BFP because of DH's low sperm count and I would need to be able to find a way to accept that without being completely devestated because we cant afford the next option of IVF and I would have to save up for many years to be able to even come close to being able to afford it and that will be so hard for me to handle right now. I think about donor sperm every now and than but I just cant find a way to be okay with that option, it is like a can of worms and all I can think of is all of the problems that could arise with this option. I guess when it comes to LTTC I am a pessimist and have lost hope big time...
@Pinkfee, I am so sorry about all of your pain and for your loss...
I hope you start feeling better soon....
@Fiesty, your jewerly looks lovely and you have some great ideas, I am sorry that the evil
is so painful this month...
@Poco, I am so sorry that the
got you hun...
)
Just take it easy hun, don't push too hard 
