Anyone TTC #1 and 30 or older?

[Xokittycatxo]

Thanks ladies. I had a really great appointment with the genetic and MFM doctor's. They are doing a C.F. Screening and checking my homocystine levels with the MTHFR. She wants me to start on prenatals as soon as the tests come back. Hopefully now I can be calm once my mirena comes out next week and we can go right into TTC #1!!

How exciting! Hope everything goes well for you! Fx

 

[KatO79]

Angel sounds like you Oed at a better time, FXed this is your cycle!

Great news Gagrlinpitt, glad to hear it went so well! FXed everything goes smoothly!

Thank you ladies you are all be best! I feel a little pathetic for all my whining yesterday. I'm pretty sure my raging hormones are to blame. I did get some BD in last night although I'm not extremely optimistic. I believe I O yesterday morning since my opk from fmu was the darkest yet. Btw...I love the cbd opks! Anyway I also think I had O pain that day and that evening, late my bbs stared getting sore. FF will probably give me my cross hairs in cd 17 though because of my temp spike. Either way, if I get AF on day 27 that will give me a lp of 8 nearly 9 days!

Angel that's great about the earlier O, hopefully your lp get longer (or better yet, no af!). OH wouldn't ever watch a fertility movie. He has a child from a previous relationship that was an "accident" so that's what he bases making babies on. can't reason with the man.

Jezika thanks so much! Stress is horrible and being consumed by something we want so a badly and should be easy and natural for us is just so ....draining. You are right though, it will happen for us all when its the right time.

Kat I almost can't take walking through stores and seeing all the new babies and even the toddlers. You make a good point by reminding ourselves that some of these women may have struggled and we have no idea what their journey as like.
How are you feeling since your appointment? I'm very hopefully for you this cycle. Good vibes!

I had a long talk with a friend about karma and the power of positive thinking so I'm going to try to be happy for all the moms I see and picture myself pregnant.

So even though my chances aren't the BEST this cycle, I'm still technically in ther 2ww and I'm going to be optimistic.

Sorry your OH won't listen - would it help if he talked to a medical professional that could educate him about it? Surely he must know though that not all women conceive easily and it takes longer for some and yet others need assisted conception to conceive Even my DH knew that much before we started TTCing. Surely he doesn't base on the fact his child was an "accident" that all woman can conceive with the same ease as his ex? If that's the case, then I'd shudder to know what he would say about my situation

I'm only 2dp2dt so not feeling much. I don't think embies tend to implant much before 5-6 dpo so not expecting to feel much until a few days after that. I think with my CP, I first felt things at around 8-9 dpo earliest, so around 6dp2dt-7dp2dt.

FXed for you

 

[Angel5000]

Kat - keeping FX for you. Hoping these stick!!

 

[Jezika]

What do you guys know about fibroids? I'm surprised to not have seen them mentioned much here. I have some pretty big ones but not spoken to a doc yet about what kind they are or how that can affect fertility (of course I've Googled it, though). I will get onto it soon, but I always forget to call the clinic when they're open.

 

[drjo718]

I know about fibroids! I had to have a hysteroscopy to remove a submucosal fibroid in order to get pregnant.

 

[KatO79]

Jezika I know almost nothing about them since I don't have any I have heard though that certain sizes or amounts of fibroids can interfere with implantation. So it might be worth a talk with your e.g. GP if any should be removed. BTW love your cute cats

AFM am 3dp2dt and just taking things easy. I probably won't be reading too much into anything though in part due to taking Crinone, just like I did last time.

On a more private note I've been able to keep away from stalking my toxic siblings' FB profiles this entire month I don't know if I mentioned this but my toxic older brother suddenly sent us a Christmas card although it was without any personal message, just a bunch of pics from their trip to Costa Rica (he was probably just trying to shove it in my face, "See how great my life is since I started silent treatmenting you and you're almost completely out of my life!"). DH wanted to respond and say thank you for the card, I advised him not to engage based on how badly my toxic brother, his enabler wife and my toxic sister have treated me. I think DH has now forgotten about the card so my brother won't be getting a response which is good - I think he's just setting me up for more abuse.

 

[Jezika]

drjo - ah, yes, I heard the submucosal ones can interfere. I have no idea what kind I have because when I was told a couple of years ago, I really had no idea what the different types mean. My doc seemed to assume I must be in a great amount of pain during AF, so just prescribed me pain killers. I don't actually need them because I don't have painful periods at all, just VERY rarely have spontaneous bouts of excruciating cramping). She seemed to think it might be the fibroid twisting on its stalk (if it's just a stalky one, I'm down with that! But I think she said I had a few, and one large one). She never mentioned anything about it affecting fertility, but then again we weren't TTC at that point so many that's why she didn't mention. Sigh. I better book an appt. Thanks for responding!

Kat - lucky you no having any. My mum had them too, and I think it's largely genetic Sorry to hear about issues with your brother. Not sure what went on, but it sounds like your decision to ignore is with good reason. I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[Angel5000]

Today's temp went up some more. Should get CH tomorrow, though I don't know how FF will do that without temps for Sat and Sun but I Guess with a +OPK and the last couple days temps are higher than the beginning of the cycle it can figure it out. Test day: Feb7.

We have a very very long week. Today we have to drive back down to where our inherited house is (where we just were this weekend) because my sister and brother in law have a court date tomorrow morning for a custody hearing for his 3 kids with his ex wife. They already have 50/50, they are just petitioning to change the residency home or whatever it's called so the kids can live with them. We are being called as witnesses for character witnesses and stuff so we have to drive down today after work (3ish hours), do that tomorrow morning and drive back tomorrow afternoon so we can be back to work on Thursday. Ugh, long long couple days. And we are all so very nervous about how this will turn out.


Jezika - sorry I don't know anything about fibroids. But I have heard they can affect fertility. That's about all I know. I second what Kat said about talking to your doctor about it.

Kat - Congrats for staying about from your profiles!! Definitely think you are making the right choice in avoiding replying to the card.

 

[KatO79]

Kat - lucky you no having any. My mum had them too, and I think it's largely genetic Sorry to hear about issues with your brother. Not sure what went on, but it sounds like your decision to ignore is with good reason. I hope everything works out for the best.

Didn't know there's a genetic component, maybe that's partly why I don't have them? My narcissistic mother doesn't have any and she had an easy time conceiving her 6kids (although she did start at 18 with having kids). I hope that you soon find out if any of them could be causing issues and can get them removed.

For clarification: my brother is 23 years older, my sister is 10 years older and we weren't raised together since my sister's father got full custody. All my toxic mother's kids have different fathers. My brother lived with me, our toxic mother who's a housewife and my father who had his own company and was given a high allowance of $400-500 a month not doing anything. Yeah my older brother is emotionally and verbally abusive. He's always putting me down every chance he gets. He'll tell me I'm selfish in different ways or I'm childish. Like last year when I'd posted an article about how relaxing doesn't help infertility (I should perhaps mention I found out after starting TTCing that him and his enabler wife needed several rounds of IVF and FETs before they got their daughter - they hadn't told me while going through it). He commented the article and kept on insisting that stress is a factor and maybe I should try going on vacation. I sent him an article from a well-known Danish RE agreeing with my point of view but he dismissed it and insisted on him being right. To make things worse, my toxic sister joined in on ganging up on me and took my brother's side plus they were both making my infertility struggle about them. I ended up telling him that I wasn't in the best emotional state to discuss this further (since I was about to start IUI) and said maybe we could take it at a later date. He then wrote back that the only reason I didn't want to continue the discussion was because it wasn't going my way and that when I was ready to hear a differing opinion and handle an "adult conversation" to post on. He did end up sending me this totally fake apology and since I knew he wasn't capable of giving me a real one, I accepted it and asked him in the most super polite manner if he could BTW please not get personal with me like that ever again. He has been silent treatmenting me ever since and this was 1 year ago although he hasn't answered any emails I've sent him for about 2 years. My toxic sister has also been silent treatmenting me after she made my 2nd failed IUI about her: I wrote her saying I'd gotten AF and she mentioned oh, she had gotten AF too and it stinks but oh yeah, keep trying! When I politely reminded her our AFs meant different things (mine that the IUI failed and hers was just AF as she has 2 kids and isn't TTC), she started silent treatmenting me.

Plus I wrote a Happy Birthday wish to my sister and she just asked me if I could get our mother to stop disowning her every year on her birthday. I have huge issues with our mother who's also very emotionally and verbally abusive (has been all my life; I'm the chosen scapegoat despite being the youngest of her kids) so I politely declined and said she should tell her herself. She got miffed at me and said she doesn't want any contact with our mother. I also wrote Birthday wishes to my brother, his wife and their daughter this year. The only one I got a response from was his wife answering on behalf of their 8 year old daughter but they neither thanked me or liked those posts on their FB profiles.

These are just a few recent examples though, he's constantly contemptuous of me and is forever telling me what a horrible human being I am. He's never supportive of me, ever! He's also tried being physically abusive. I remember in my late teens he was visiting and had been painting the kitchen (although he hadn't gotten very far) while my narcissistic mother and I had gone shopping for groceries. We were taking bags of groceries in and he was just standing there watching and I politely asked him if he was going to help us. He said nope, he'd been painting. He must've not liked the look in my eyes because he got this evil glare in his eyes and lunged at me like he was going to punch me down. Luckily my narcissistic mother isn't much for physical stuff and stepped in between us.

I could tell you so many awful things this man has said and done to me over the years but it would be a super long post But I can tell you he's ben so filled with contempt for me and treated me like garbage, even creating drama a few months before my own wedding where he hurled abuse at me and gaslighted me so he looks innocent and I'm the awful one. My former therapist feels the best thing is to go no contact on all my siblings as they refuse to see me for who I am and are constantly telling me I'm awful and just like our toxic mother and never are there to support me or can even treat me like a human being. I'm tired of defending myself and them trying to force me to put up with their abuse. I fear they'll set my future child up to be the next family scapegoat and/or turn him/her against me in the future when he's/she's older.

I've written many posts about them on this thread so if you're interested, maybe you can find a few of them?

Thanks Angel, yeah it's so totally for the best and I can really feel I'm detoxing So sorry about that custody hearing, I hope it goes well!

 

[Jezika]

Angel - what's CH? I need to expand my TTC vocab! Sounds like you have a tough few days and a crazy amount of driving. Are you nervous about being witnesses? I hope their custody case is civil. I do parenting capacity assessments sometimes for custody cases and also Children's Aid Services cases and I know those things can turn really sour. It sounds like your sis' and BIL have almost everything sorted, though.

AFM, I just booked an appt with the doctor on Thursday so that I can get some antibiotics for the horrible UTIs I get after BD, and also to review the whole fibroid thing. Turns out I had the ultrasound in Aug 2013, so it's possible they've grown since. I'm scared of hearing they're the bad kind and then needing surgery. I barely have time to go to the dentist these days, let alone schedule a bunch of other medical appts. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I guess we just need to take each day as it comes. It's just weird how I can go from being (irrationally) convinced I'm barren to realizing that it will almost certainly happen some day, as it does for the vast majority of women TTCing.

I'm also procrastinating soooo badly with schoolwork. This TTC stuff has been so distracting, right when I have so much to do, but it feels good to talk about it. And yesterday I was supposed to be studying all afternoon and then going out for dinner, but I ended up having to go to my friend's apartment (she lives in the building) because people were working on our bathroom faucets and had spread dust EVERYWHERE after cutting drywall without closing the bathroom door. There were clouds of dust all throughout the living room, which of course then settled as a fine layer on every single inch of everything in our apartment. I was so annoyed. And our cats were locked away in the bedroom because one of the workmen is allergic, but my siamese guy was coughing his lungs out because of the dust seeping under the door (he has asthma). Then at my friend's apartment I cracked open the ICs that I'd just received in the mail, took a test only to get BFN, which got me down, and then I was just really distracted till I had to go back home to the mess again. When I complained to our superintendents, they were completely unsympathetic and were making the most ridiculous excuses, even though their regular workman already told me he was p*ssed at the plumber who was the one that left the bathroom door open while cutting dry wall on his own. I came back up to my bedroom, the only refuge I had since everything else was covered in dust, and was told we wouldn't be able to use the shower till the next evening. So there I was, sweaty and disgusting, a prisoner in my own bedroom and needing to get ready for this dinner thing I didn't want to go to... so I cried, which made things worse because my make up was ruined. Blah blah blah... Anyway, my friend saw the superintendent on her way home and told her that DH and I were having to stay around hers because of all the dust and bathroom situation and that I was upset, so the super then came to check out how bad everything was. She was a little less defensive this time (though still made excuses), but I appreciated the morsel of empathy, so I was fine in the end... I admit I had a can of beer to say FU to FA. Heheh. I think I'm going to conveniently blame my emotional dysregulation on PMS... Wow, sorry for the essay.

 

[KatO79]

Jezika I found a few posts I'd made about my brother and mother on Reddit so you get an inkling of how truely toxic these people are:

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/32cgpy/wedding_drama_part_1_gc_nbro/

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/32cj9m/wedding_drama_part_2_gc_nbro_and_nmom/

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyna...caught_gc_nbro_gaslighting_in_a_topic_he_was/

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/32klwp/my_nbro_on_facebook/

 

[Jezika]

Kat - sorry, I was typing my long post when you wrote yours! I'm so sorry to hear about the ongoing issues you've been having with family members. I can only imagine how emotionally draining that can be, and it definitely sounds like they're better out of your life. I know a lot of people say family should stick together, and that's all fine and great when it's a matter of putting up with a couple of foibles, but just because someone is a family member doesn't mean they're immune from being complete a**holes, and for your own mental health it's best to do what you would with anyone else who's toxic in your life. I know that's easier said than done, though. And also, I'm a firm believer in "family" being nothing to do with blood, but with who loves and supports you unconditionally, be it a relative, partner or friend.

 

[KatO79]

Kat - sorry, I was typing my long post when you wrote yours! I'm so sorry to hear about the ongoing issues you've been having with family members. I can only imagine how emotionally draining that can be, and it definitely sounds like they're better out of your life. I know a lot of people say family should stick together, and that's all fine and great when it's a matter of putting up with a couple of foibles, but just because someone is a family member doesn't mean they're immune from being complete a**holes, and for your own mental health it's best to do what you would with anyone else who's toxic in your life. I know that's easier said than done, though. And also, I'm a firm believer in "family" being nothing to do with blood, but with who loves and supports you unconditionally, be it a relative, partner or friend.

Thanks Yeah it's pretty much been going on since my birth, my mother taught my brother to scapegoat me and he's now gotten our sister to do the same (I highly suspect my siblings and mother have Narcissistic Personality Disorder since it seems to fit so well) All the enablers in the family (e.g. our cousin) just let it continue and never say stop to the abuse of me. So true, just because you're related to someone by blood doesn't mean you should put up with abusive behaviours. Although I have met people that didn't get that. My DH, who comes from a nice normal family, took a bit of time before seeing that going NC is the best option for me and now supports me. Although his naive parents don't seem to get it at all, they consider the whole drama before the wedding to be a "misunderstanding" although I haven't told them everything my brother has put me through

So true, I now consider my family to be DH and his relatives and my biological "family" (Family of Origin, FOO) to be people I unfortunately just share DNA with.

 

[Jezika]

Kat - Oh man, I just read a bit of one of the posts you linked me to and it's already stressing me out. I agree that toxic is probably the most accurate way to describe it. It sounds like the resentments run so deep that it would be an enormous challenge to change the dynamic, not that your bro would be at all receptive to that, it seems. I hope it's not been affecting you too much lately and that you and DH can focus on yourselves.

 

[Jezika]

Oh, I definitely thought NPD when I was reading the tone of his messages. Trying to get along with people like that can be such a soul-destroying and thankless endeavour for sure. It sucks even more when you get into a relationship with one, get initially sucked into their charm and confidence, and then find yourself completely weakened and manipulated, being left a shell of your former self. You're lucky you at least don't have to deal with it in that way (neither do I, thankfully, but I did spend a year dating one, and my God...)

And I think it definitely helps to see the definition of family in a way that (to me) makes logical sense. I remember learning about that in a sociology class back in undergrad and I thought "wow." It made me feel so much closer to the people I truly appreciated in my life, like some of my family members for sure, but also a couple close friends. Of course I consider my DH family, but it was nice to see my best friend as family too. She, for example, cares a lot more for me (and vice versa) than, say, my (absolutely narcissistic) cousin. Since "family" is such an emotionally loaded word, redefining it has helped me lose some guilt around who I feel I should and shouldn't be close to. I haven't had particularly difficult issues with family, but many people absolutely do. We're all human beings with the capacity to treat each other well or poorly, completely independent of the strands of DNA in our cells. I think the "blood is thicker than water" value, while nice, is overly simplistic and can be quite hurtful when imposed on us by other people who don't understand the struggles that there can be.

 

[KatO79]

Kat - Oh man, I just read a bit of one of the posts you linked me to and it's already stressing me out. I agree that toxic is probably the most accurate way to describe it. It sounds like the resentments run so deep that it would be an enormous challenge to change the dynamic, not that your bro would be at all receptive to that, it seems. I hope it's not been affecting you too much lately and that you and DH can focus on yourselves.

Yep that's the problem. I've tried for years to get him to see I'm not this terrible human being yet he insists on it. I believe he's projecting on me big time! I think another problem is my narcissistic mother has triangulated so many times, calling him and complaining about me each time I wasn't at her beckon call or tried to set a boundary, that that has also poisoned the relationship. Ever since I entirely gave up on making this relationship work, I've been feeling better and especially since I stopped stalking him and my sister's profiles. Also stopped stalking his wife as she constantly defends his behavior and makes every altercation my fault as well, I truely think he's smear campaigned me to her. She's his total enabler, forever talking about how wonderful and amazing he is and I do mean forever *cue the gagging*

Oh, I definitely thought NPD when I was reading the tone of his messages. Trying to get along with people like that can be such a soul-destroying and thankless endeavour for sure. It sucks even more when you get into a relationship with one, get initially sucked into their charm and confidence, and then find yourself completely weakened and manipulated, being left a shell of your former self. You're lucky you at least don't have to deal with it in that way (neither do I, thankfully, but I did spend a year dating one, and my God...)

And I think it definitely helps to see the definition of family in a way that (to me) makes logical sense. I remember learning about that in a sociology class back in undergrad and I thought "wow." It made me feel so much closer to the people I truly appreciated in my life, like some of my family members for sure, but also a couple close friends. Of course I consider my DH family, but it was nice to see my best friend as family too. She, for example, cares a lot more for me (and vice versa) than, say, my (absolutely narcissistic) cousin. Since "family" is such an emotionally loaded word, redefining it has helped me lose some guilt around who I feel I should and shouldn't be close to. I haven't had particularly difficult issues with family, but many people absolutely do. We're all human beings with the capacity to treat each other well or poorly, completely independent of the strands of DNA in our cells. I think the "blood is thicker than water" value, while nice, is overly simplistic and can be quite hurtful when imposed on us by other people who don't understand the struggles that there can be.

Yeah unfortunately he was living with our toxic mother and my enabler father for years so I grew up with him there. Him and my mother have been both highly verbally and emotionally abusive all my life, making me the scapegoat of my mother's side of the family. I consider myself fortunate that I'm not even more of an emotional and psychological mess To make things worse kids saw me as odd so I never had that many friends, still don't really since I'm a bit socially awkward Plus I was also bullied in school (guess all the abuse from home made me an easy target) so I would go to school and get bullied then go home and be bullied by my mother and brother. Good times Sorry to hear you dated one but good choice to get away from him, the mind games and how they try to destroy you is just scary It's just best to go no contact on these people if at all possible, they never take blame for anything and are impossible to treat. Sorry about your cousin though, it's always harder when someone in your family has NPD.

So true and that line of thinking really does help alleviate any guilt. I have no guilt anymore, I did what I could and I just can't deal with the constant put-downs, invalidations, gaslighting, projections, silent treatments ect. But yeah I really wish some people would try and understand that not all families are loving and healthy, some are toxic wastelands that require you to get away to preserve your emotional and mental health.

 

[Jezika]

Never taking blame for anything is exactly right! You know, although I was eventually glad to get out of that relationship, it wasn't through my choice; he'd found something that I'd done horrifically wrong in his eyes (he found out I'd been unfaithful to a boyfriend I'd had at age 17) and was so disgusted with me that he broke up with me. He called me all the names under the sun that no woman should be called (though note I'd never been unfaithful to him - in fact, I doted on this guy), but even before that he was constantly accusing me of doing things wrong that were completely and utterly ridiculous (like serving my brother more chicken than I served him or sitting on his lap in front of his friends that apparently might've caused them to think of me sexually). So many examples, and each time his reaction would be like I had totally disrespected him in a completely unforgivable way. And if he ever did something hurtful to me (like leaving sexually suggestive comments on other women's MySpace profiles - this was 10 years ago), he would deflect and turn it right around on me. It was futile to ever oppose him, yet he made sure I felt lucky to be with someone so smart and funny and special. These memories have come back a little bit recently because it was with him that I had gotten pregnant accidentally, and of course in his eyes keeping it was not an option. I remember feeling so nauseous all the time and he'd get angry and tell me to "stop moaning about it." And he wouldn't even come with me to the clinic; my mum came with me while he went and played soccer. After breaking up, it was only after beginning to get over the heartbreak of it that he so nobly decided that maybe he could forgive me and it would make us stronger, but luckily by that time I'd finally healed just about enough to realize that I was pretty unhappy and undeserving of his abuse, and that I would ultimately have to go through this all over again if I took him back. I consider myself a very strong woman and my DH is the complete opposite of that ex, but it's still frightening to think what I was reduced to and how someone could completely change how I saw reality. Sorry if this was a bit of an overshare! It was kind of cathartic sharing...

 

[drjo718]

Jezika- as far as fibroids go, usually (but not always) they only affect fertility if they're submucosal, and you can't typically see a submucosal fibroid on a regular ultrasound. They would need to do a sonohysterogram, which,is a saline ultrasound, to really evaluate the uterine cavity. So, if they were able to see some on a regular ultrasound a few years ago, then hopefully they aren't going to be an issue for you.

 

[Jezika]

Drjo, that's good to know. So what you're saying is that because I only had a standard pelvic ultrasound done, it's likely the ones they saw weren't submucosal? I guess it's quite possible I have submucosal ones too, but that they weren't detectable? Maybe I'll bring this up on Thursday with the doc if she doesn't already mention it and see if she can refer me for a sonohysterogram. Do they only usually do that exclusively in the context of detecting fertility issues, in which case they may make me wait till at least six months of TTC?

 

[drjo718]

Yes to both your questions. They typically only do the sonohysterogram for fertility issues, at least around here, but maybe they'll do one for you since you have known fibroids. Have you had an IUD before? If so, and there were no problems, it may be even more unlikely that you have submucosal ones.