Anyone TTC #1 and 30 or older?

[cutestuff]

Star never use the pregnancy pillow but I've heard it can help. I personally don't like spending a lot of money on things I won't use and I was always fine with regular pillows. Gymboree is not a work out per say it's development classes. So they set things up to help engage babies minds and it's age and development appropriate. Dds class is about obstacles and learning to navigate the world.
Kat I'm sorry people aren't being very understanding it's hard but I think you really need to find someone to talk to. I notice you don't seem to have a lot of support and I think it's getting to you. I'm sorry if that's out if line I just don't like people hurting and I'm not sure I can do anything to help

 

[KatO79]

Kat I'm sorry people aren't being very understanding it's hard but I think you really need to find someone to talk to. I notice you don't seem to have a lot of support and I think it's getting to you. I'm sorry if that's out if line I just don't like people hurting and I'm not sure I can do anything to help

It's hard to find someone to talk to when you have almost no friends and your dysfunctional family are either toxics or enablers of the toxics that all barely want anything to do with you. The only "friend" I have is the childish one I've mentioned but she lives 45-60 minutes away by car (she has no car and no driver's license btw) and she seems to be super busy right now with her boyfriend, her studies and TTCing after a m/c back in August. In truth DH doesn't have many friends either, maybe 2-3 real ones (plus a bunch of old friends that are more aquaintances now since they abandoned us when they started having kids and we waited and then later struggled) but one lives in Spain and the other 2 he doesn't have much contact with as they both live 45-60 minutes away from us. I moved to my current town back in April 2016 so don't have any friends here yet but hoping to become friends with a couple of the ladies from the Mommy Group. So yeah, no one to really talk to

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Kat I'm sorry people aren't being very understanding it's hard but I think you really need to find someone to talk to. I notice you don't seem to have a lot of support and I think it's getting to you. I'm sorry if that's out if line I just don't like people hurting and I'm not sure I can do anything to help

It's hard to find someone to talk to when you have almost no friends and your dysfunctional family are either toxics or enablers of the toxics that all barely want anything to do with you. The only "friend" I have is the childish one I've mentioned but she lives 45-60 minutes away by car (she has no car and no driver's license btw) and she seems to be super busy right now with her boyfriend, her studies and TTCing after a m/c back in August. In truth DH doesn't have many friends either, maybe 2-3 real ones (plus a bunch of old friends that are more aquaintances now since they abandoned us when they started having kids and we waited and then later struggled) but one lives in Spain and the other 2 he doesn't have much contact with as they both live 45-60 minutes away from us. I moved to my current town back in April 2016 so don't have any friends here yet but hoping to become friends with a couple of the ladies from the Mommy Group. So yeah, no one to really talk to

You should look for a mops group or something in your area. I know they have groups like that in Pittsburgh.

 

[KatO79]

Kat I'm sorry people aren't being very understanding it's hard but I think you really need to find someone to talk to. I notice you don't seem to have a lot of support and I think it's getting to you. I'm sorry if that's out if line I just don't like people hurting and I'm not sure I can do anything to help

It's hard to find someone to talk to when you have almost no friends and your dysfunctional family are either toxics or enablers of the toxics that all barely want anything to do with you. The only "friend" I have is the childish one I've mentioned but she lives 45-60 minutes away by car (she has no car and no driver's license btw) and she seems to be super busy right now with her boyfriend, her studies and TTCing after a m/c back in August. In truth DH doesn't have many friends either, maybe 2-3 real ones (plus a bunch of old friends that are more aquaintances now since they abandoned us when they started having kids and we waited and then later struggled) but one lives in Spain and the other 2 he doesn't have much contact with as they both live 45-60 minutes away from us. I moved to my current town back in April 2016 so don't have any friends here yet but hoping to become friends with a couple of the ladies from the Mommy Group. So yeah, no one to really talk to

You should look for a mops group or something in your area. I know they have groups like that in Pittsburgh.

I'm in a Mommy Group (so a type of mops group) but don't feel comfortable with divulging very much yet with them since I've only known them for about 1½ months (see them once a week), definitely nothing about my toxic relatives until they know me better and will better believe me that it's not me that's the issue. I do generally find it hard to say anything negative to them because they almost all are painting a very rosy picture of how things are going with them and their baby/kids so don't like being "the odd one out"

 

[Jezika]

Yeah I think that's something that comes with time, but that's okay. Not many people in my life have crossed that line into sharing very, very personal stuff with them. But I get it that even venting about a family member might raise eyebrows if they don't know your situation properly. Are there any women that you think you might be able to eventually warm to more easily than some of the others? Also, I'm glad you can at least vent here, as we all do. Not sure what I'd do without this outlet.

Oh, have you looked at Facebook groups for your area? I know that's a long shot even if you haven't, because I'm going on my experience of living in a big city, but there are a tonne of mummy Facebook groups and many of them are just filled with women giving and asking for advice, providing support, venting about how their kids won't sleep (honestly, it's the most common topic of conversation... it's like no one's kids in this group sleep!), and arranging to meet up for play dates and stuff. Dare I suggest you can set up a group on Facebook if there isn't one already and make clear in the blurb that it's for being honest about the trials of parenting and venting and supporting each other etc. and see who joins (I've seen that blurb before that specifically states it's not a place for sugarcoating).

 

[KatO79]

Yeah I think that's something that comes with time, but that's okay. Not many people in my life have crossed that line into sharing very, very personal stuff with them. But I get it that even venting about a family member might raise eyebrows if they don't know your situation properly. Are there any women that you think you might be able to eventually warm to more easily than some of the others? Also, I'm glad you can at least vent here, as we all do. Not sure what I'd do without this outlet.

Yes that's what I'm worried about and if I vent about more than 1, they'll definitely think that I'm the problem person in the family I was liking the one that lives closest to me since we have a lot in common (both FTMs, both 35+, both needed IVF to conceive) until she mixed in and tried telling me Alexander wasn't tired when he clearly was just because he didn't fall asleep within 3-5 minutes like hers does I also like the young mom but don't know if an age difference of 15 years is too much? Yes I'm glad as well

Oh, have you looked at Facebook groups for your area? I know that's a long shot even if you haven't, because I'm going on my experience of living in a big city, but there are a tonne of mummy Facebook groups and many of them are just filled with women giving and asking for advice, providing support, venting about how their kids won't sleep (honestly, it's the most common topic of conversation... it's like no one's kids in this group sleep!), and arranging to meet up for play dates and stuff. Dare I suggest you can set up a group on Facebook if there isn't one already and make clear in the blurb that it's for being honest about the trials of parenting and venting and supporting each other etc. and see who joins (I've seen that blurb before that specifically states it's not a place for sugarcoating).

I live in Denmark so don't think there are many FB sites like that, think most people here do tend to sugarcoat things (even to friends!) so I wonder how many would join How do you even get people to join a group like that?

 

[cutestuff]

Kat that sounds rough. Honestly not many people can understand what you are going through and I say that knowing I've been through similar things. My mom isn't npd but she and I aren't close and she definitely has said and done things to stir the pot the funny thing is she blames me and acts like its a surprise when I react or respond. Add to that the fact there are a lot of changes to relationships when babies come around. I have been with dh for 14 years in June and he definitely no longer tries to impress and we have had our share of fights over who does more with dd but when I take a minute to think about my life I realize communication is a two way street and there are times when the way I have presented information or reacted to a situation has been a contributing part of the problem.
I think its imperative for you to talk to someone and be open to their solution. It won't be easy but it would help you a lot. Are there any universities nearby? If there is you might be able to find someone studying psych who needs supervised hours and get some quality counseling for cheap. @u

 

[Jezika]

Kat I'm not sure if anyone would join but it's possible that women with new babies would search for keywords for such groups. Could be worth a try, even if it flops massively! As for the 15-year age difference, that's quite the gap but In my experience I've always found friendships with much older and younger people to be surprisingly unaffected by the age thing. I was 18 and made good friends with a couple of women who were then in their mid 30s, have some friends who are in their early 20s now and also some in their late 40s. (Okay it sounds like I have a tonne of friends... I actually have only a few super close friends and a handful of pretty close friends and the rest are just peripheral friendships, but I did live in several different places and worked different jobs, went to uni etc. so met people along the way, bla blah blah).

 

[KatO79]

cutestuff sorry your relationship with your mom is not good either You're right, not many understand it. People tend to just assume all mothers are loving and selfless when nothing could be further from the truth. I don't argue with DH about who does more though because I think he'd admit I do most of the work even though he tries to even things out a bit during weekends. As for communication it's true that it's a 2 way street and I admit I'm not perfect and have a bit of a temper sometimes (but so does my DH!), which is why I was thinking that writing him a letter may be the best idea in this case as I won't be reacting in the same way and DH will probably then be less likely to go too much on the defensive when reading it. Now I just need to find the time to write a letter As for the psych suggestion I'm not sure that psych students are allowed to practice in that way in this country but I can look into it. It's a pity I live too far away from my former therapist as she was lovely and really good, plus she totally got me on the toxic mom thing and didn't try to make things my fault like I've heard some will do

Jezika yeah I guess it depends on the person if the age gap is going to be problematic. I think the 23 year old is very mature for her age so it could perhaps work.

AFM my health care provider came by yesterday and Alexander at 4 months is only weighing around 63 kg so he's dropped down to a lower weight curve She couldn't understand it becausse he looks fine so she wants to try weighing him again in 2 weeks but it sounds like I need to prepare for starting to get him to eat porridges and the like. Ugh, was a bit upset over it because it means my milk isn't enough for him anymore so he's going to have to start learning to eat about 1½ months early

 

[Angel5000]

I survived my trip out alone! It went really well actually. Melody is doing great. At the 1 month check up she was up to 8lbs 15oz! Things are settling down pretty well, but I am still having trouble getting her to sleep anywhere by herself. At night cosleeping is best for us, she wakes up every 2-3 hours, eats and falls back asleep pretty easily. During the day is where I struggle to get her to sleep unless I'm holding her. But sometimes I can get her to sleep a few hours in the swing. Otherwise I just cuddle with her. It means nothing else gets done but I don't want to lose out on my cuddle time.

My next goal is having to go out on my own without her! Now that we got her to take a bottle that isn't as hard. DH was so excited to be able to feed her, and he loved the experience, so I suggested we give her 1 bottle a day so he can have the experience and bonding time that comes with feeding. I'll try to pump during that one bottle time, whenever we do it, so that I don't lose any supply, but even if I do drop my supply a little I think it was the right move. He feels like there's not much he can do with her except the not fun stuff (like changing and walking her while she's screaming), so he deserves to get some time with the rewarding stuff too.

Day before yesterday we got a crazy 10+ inches of snow! Which is unheard of here. DH's work cancelled so we spent the day cuddling (and took a snow walk), it was so nice.


Jezika - Going out to dinner with her is one of my big fears because I don't want to annoy people in a restaurant with her crying or worry about the BFing in public. We took her out to the store for the first time the other day. She really doesn't like her car seat though so she screamed the whole way there and then decided she was hungry after we got there. So I took a few minutes to BF her in the backseat of the car before we went in and she ended up falling asleep, and then stayed asleep for most of the shopping trip (we put her back in the carseat but didn't strap her in while in the store because that's the part she hates). I felt like it was a huge accomplishment just getting out for that much time with her.


Star - I've seen a few people talk about a rock n play but I hadn't heard of it before. I've been wondering if that's something that Melody would sleep better in, but don't want to spend the money on it since we already have a bassinet and a crib and she might not sleep in it anyway. Hopefully your LO will not be as cranky about sleep as Melody. I love my activity mat, it's Melody's favorite thing right now. She doesn't really like tummy time, but we will do 5-10 minutes tummy time until she gets upset and then turn over and she loves to bat at the hanging things. She can't grasp anything yet but she definitely loves that mat! I found my mat at a garage sale for $5.

When Melody sleeps in my bed she sleeps on the side and I'm in the middle. Cosleeping is a very "iffy" decision, as a lot of doctors and professionals don't recommend it because it does increase the risk of SIDS. However my doctor said that we are low SIDS risk and as long as I follow some guidelines for "safer cosleeping" we were okay. One of those safety guidelines is that the baby isn't in the middle and is only on the side with mom. Mothers, particularly breastfeedings moms, are more in tune with the baby and tend to sleep more lightly when baby is nearby (and less likely to roll over on baby) whereas men aren't as in tune. We found this to be true of my husband who is usually a light sleeper but lately has been completely sleeping through Melody's night time fussiness without even realizing it. So I sleep in the middle and put her on the side. I'm not worried about her falling off because she can't roll over yet, and i have the bassinet on that side anyway and it creates a "wall" of sorts, so if she did roll over she would hit the edge of the bassinet and not go anywhere.

I thought about a breastfeeding cover and I might get one just for those purposes, but I also strongly feel that women shouldn't have to use one and so then I feel like I'm betraying what I think by using one myself! I'm such a mess.


Kat - I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. I agree with everyone else that you need someone to talk to, but I also understand that in your area that seems to be hard to find. I'm also really sorry that Alexander's weight is low, but on the positive side if you do have to add some food like rice cereal then he may sleep better and you may feel better. My sister had to start giving her daughter rice cereal in her formula at 2 months because she was a big eater and was already eating way more formula than was considered "normal". I know it's frowned upon but if Alexander is getting really fussy and not getting any sleep have you considered just sitting down and cuddling him for a nap one time to help him catch up on sleep? The more he doesn't sleep the more overtired he'll get and will fight sleep even more and it becomes a vicious cycle.

 

[star_e]

angel - thanks for the feedback. and glad your outing with Melody went well! That's great. i like the idea of letting DH take part in the fun stuff by using the bottle to feed her. I asked my DH if he wanted to do that and he did, so we will do that too. glad things are settling. keep us updated.

kat - ive always found that it takes a really long time to find people who do not sugar coat. i have few close friends for that reason. it's just hard to connect on a very personal level b/c sometimes people are just not receptive to hearing about struggles. everyone is different so it just takes time. i still think, even if you don't connect on a deep level with people, that its still valuable to have a space where you can ask questions and get some answers. wish there were more groups where you're at. you can always communicate here, so that's something! i have learned so much from you all. and i really appreciate it.

afm - fell down yesterday onto a carpeted floor. broke the fall with my knees and then landed on my wrists. called doc and they encouraged me to go to hospital, but i interpreted their advice to be conditional on whether or not i felt pain and i didnt feel any pain. so they called today to check in and after telling them i didnt go, they told me to go just to make sure. so i went. everything is fine. totally fine. thank goodness.

hope everyone else is doing well!

 

[Jezika]

Angel I swear you and Melody are me and Matilda in pretty much everything you say. The only difference is she hasn't taken the bottle so I could only be gone for two hours the two times I went out on my own (which was still nice). Have you tried putting her in a wrap/sling during the day? Sometimes I do that with Tilly coz she sleeps straight away and then I can do dishes or laundry or whatever else.

Star - oh no, sorry to hear you fell, though I'm glad you're okay! I fell off my bike when preg and freaked out hard.

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Star thank God you are OK and baby is OK.

 

[KatO79]

star oh no so sorry you fell that must've been scary! But so glad all is well with you and your LO! Thanks and it's so true that so many sugarcoat things. I can't stand it because it makes it harder to share when you're having a tough time because you feel like the odd one out and that they'll start not wanting to see you because you're not doing it.

Angel so glad it seems everything is going well with you and Melody! As for sleeping with her I'd do that with Alexander often the first 2-2½ months or so.

Kat - I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. I agree with everyone else that you need someone to talk to, but I also understand that in your area that seems to be hard to find. I'm also really sorry that Alexander's weight is low, but on the positive side if you do have to add some food like rice cereal then he may sleep better and you may feel better. My sister had to start giving her daughter rice cereal in her formula at 2 months because she was a big eater and was already eating way more formula than was considered "normal". I know it's frowned upon but if Alexander is getting really fussy and not getting any sleep have you considered just sitting down and cuddling him for a nap one time to help him catch up on sleep? The more he doesn't sleep the more overtired he'll get and will fight sleep even more and it becomes a vicious cycle.

I don't know if this area is particularly harder than others. Just that I haven't met many people here plus the Danes are known for being hard to get to know. They're not as open as e.g. Americans so it takes a while to become friends with them.

Wow 2 months sounds super early, here they really try to avoid it before 4 months and even at 4 months they're not entirely happy to recommend it but if it means a happier baby and therefore a happier Mom, then they will recommend it. Although they don't go with cereal, it's more like porridges and mashes which you start off with being creamy so baby is more likely to eat it until they get used to eating. I did that last Friday but the drawback is that I have even less opportunity to eat if he's sleeping on or by me.

Oh and speaking of eating, my MIL went into a panic frenzy yesterday when DH told her Alexander may not be gaining enough When she heard I often don't get to eat breakfast she practically started blaming me because she said it must be affecting my milk even though it's been that way for months so you'd think if that was the main problem, he'd have had issues continuously.

To add to the fun, DH arrived home just in time for Alexander to be out down for bed yesterday so I let him do it so I could get a break. But he then totally misunderstood the advice our health care provider gave so he kept picking Alexander up every time he complained-cried which meant 1 hour later, Alexander was no closer to sleeping and was starting to cry in earnest because he was getting overtired I then ended up trying to take over and putting him in his baby carriage so he could sleep better but was super unlucky because just as he was starting to fall asleep, some idiots starting shooting fireworks or something plus a neighbour's dog kept on barking so Alexander woke up and it became impossible to get him to sleep again DH came out and tried but he kept on doing stuff we're not supposed to do that doesn't help anyway (not when he's overtired!) so I told him he needed to do it my way but he wouldn't and just walked away. Ended up giving up on him sleeping outside because of the noise so took him back in and bf'ed him to sleep. He slept maybe 1-1½ hours before waking up though so he kept on sleeping crappy all evening and night Hoping to remedy things today but if he doesn't get enough sleep now, I won't be going to the Mommy Group meeting because there's no point in taking in overtired and cranky Alexander with.

 

[KatO79]

Ugh Alexander keeps waking up after 1-1½ hours He did it again last night and then he woke up 1½ hours earlier than normal so I had to get up after very little sleep. Actually had an emotional break down when Alexander got fussy after a short time of play and wanted to feed again I was hoping he'd take at least a 2 hour nap so I could get more sleep (I was really hungry but yep, chose sleep over hunger) but he woke up after 1 hour and didn't look tired enough to put back in his carriage so I got almost no sleep during his nap. Hoping he'll sleep longer for his next nap but not holding my breathe

I so want this leap to soon be over (Leap 4) but doesn't look like it according to the app This fussy period will first end around the 22nd (next one starts around 15th of March and ends around 12th of April) and there's about 34 days until the leap ends DH is going to try and get home sooner but I don't know how much that'll help as Alexander seems to eat less but feed much more often instead DH drove me crazy this morning asking me in this annoyed voice if I'd fed him enough when trying to get him to sleep. Yep, blame me

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Kat are you opposed to trying to supplement with formula? Maybe he's just not getting enough to eat..

 

[Jezika]

This may be totally against what you're supposed to do, too obvious, something you do already or just wouldn't work for you guys, so forgive my ignorance, but when you're desperate for sleep could you lay down in bed and nurse him like that where you can both fall asleep?

Also, I feel for you and I hope you know you're so strong and doing such a great job. I've had mini nervous breakdowns over far smaller sleep issues. It makes me worry for when the real ones come. Hang in there, momma. I know people probably keep saying it'll get better, and you may think "oh yeah?! When?!" but it really will, at some point.

 

[star_e]

Kat I totally agree with jezika when she said you are so strong and doing a great job. I've often thought that when reading your posts. And imagining all that you do - that late night drive that one time. I could visualize it. You are exhausted but do everything you can to get him to sleep and keep pushing forward with so much strength. When I hear your stories and others on here I get worried about how I'll handle all of it. I melt down easily if I'm very overwhelmed and if I haven't slept. I wish i knew more about what to suggest but I don't. I have no idea. I hope either someone on here or your doc or health practitioner can suggest something to get you through the leap. I hope you can eat something nourishing and filling today.

 

[KatO79]

Kat are you opposed to trying to supplement with formula? Maybe he's just not getting enough to eat..

I'm not supposed to supplement until my health care provider has weighed him again on the 23rd. She said he looks good so can't understand he only weighed 63 kg so wants to weigh again. I assume if she was worried about him looking too thin she would've told me to start now. Also if I do supplement, it's going to be with moshes and porridges as she told me. He's just as the age he can earliest start since it's first about now his digestive system can handle it.

Also if he's in the midst of a leap, apparently eating more often but less is normal during this time period. According to the book "Wonder Weeks" they say at this point most breastfeeding mothers assume baby isn't getting enough and prematurely start to supplement when there's no need. May be why my health care provider wants to wait it out a bit and see?

This may be totally against what you're supposed to do, too obvious, something you do already or just wouldn't work for you guys, so forgive my ignorance, but when you're desperate for sleep could you lay down in bed and nurse him like that where you can both fall asleep?

Also, I feel for you and I hope you know you're so strong and doing such a great job. I've had mini nervous breakdowns over far smaller sleep issues. It makes me worry for when the real ones come. Hang in there, momma. I know people probably keep saying it'll get better, and you may think "oh yeah?! When?!" but it really will, at some point.

I've tried nursing lying down but I find it difficult, don't know if it's because my boobs are so big that it makes things harder? Also I find it hard to fall asleep that way and I'm not sure he'd be able to help himself while I sleep as he's not tried it before

Here's hoping!

Kat I totally agree with jezika when she said you are so strong and doing a great job. I've often thought that when reading your posts. And imagining all that you do - that late night drive that one time. I could visualize it. You are exhausted but do everything you can to get him to sleep and keep pushing forward with so much strength. When I hear your stories and others on here I get worried about how I'll handle all of it. I melt down easily if I'm very overwhelmed and if I haven't slept. I wish i knew more about what to suggest but I don't. I have no idea. I hope either someone on here or your doc or health practitioner can suggest something to get you through the leap. I hope you can eat something nourishing and filling today.

Thanks star I'm sure you'll find a way to push through as well. As for getting through it I don't think there's much else to do but wait it out and look forward to those couple of weeks where he should be in a better mood before things go haywire again Didn't have much time so ended up taking a quick bowl of yoghurt

 

[star_e]

When babies sleep in the sleep sacks are they wearing clothes underneath or is the sleep slack just put over the diaper?