Anyone TTC #1 and 30 or older?

[Angel5000]

Kat - wow I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this leap. I just got the wonder weeks app and it looks really interesting. I'm considering getting the book to read too. How is it?

I hope he settles soon and lets you get more rest.

Star - I also break down easily when lack of sleep but I feel like I just started to adapt as time goes on. Also, after you have baby make sure to recognize that there is no shame in needing or asking for help if you need to. Especially if you are emotionally drained. I'm back on antidepressants and it's really helped. There are still really hard times when I have dark thoughts and wonder why I even bothered to have a baby and I think about how I'm doing it all wrong and think I'm a horrible mom. That's usually when she's been screaming for a couple hours and I can't calm her and I'm losing my patience. At that point I pass her to DH and let myself have s break and usually end up crying for awhile but sometimes that's what it takes. Having a strong support is important.

As for sleep sacks - it really depends. I have one that is fleece and very warm. I usually only put her in it in a diaper or sometimes a short sleeve onesie. I have another that is thinner cotton and so I always have her dressed in it but usually just a onesie (shirt or long sleeve but not the full body ones with legs). You don't want them to overheat.

 

[KatO79]

Kat - wow I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this leap. I just got the wonder weeks app and it looks really interesting. I'm considering getting the book to read too. How is it?

I hope he settles soon and lets you get more rest.

I only just got the book yesterday but have read up on leap 4 and it seems to be good at describing what baby is feeling and going through, what most babies show of behavior during the fussy periods and which activities you can do to best help your baby develop (some of) the skills associated with the leap. I'd apparently already been doing a couple of things right and getting him to play with his activity center and stand with him looking in the mirror. I have both the app and the audiobook, actually got the audiobook first since I needed a crash course until the actual book arrived.

Thanks Angel The worst is when he makes this horrible, ear piercing screeching sound, he does it now when fighting sleep (which he's just gotten even worse with doing) and when he's hungry and protesting over getting his diaper changed first at night I'm not expecting much relief until he gets to his more happy 2 weeks after this fussy period but that's apparently only the calm before the next storm

 

[drjo718]

Maybe this is a silly question, but what is a leap? Is it like a growth spurt or development stage?

Star- how you dress your baby in the sack depends a lot on how warm baby's room is. Our upstairs is around 65 degrees at night, but varies a bit depending on the temp outside. Most of the time, we put nora in a cotton sleeper and fleece sack or the opposite, a fleece sleeper and cotton sack. If it's going to be in the negatives outside, we do double fleece. We've found that her feet get ice cold if we don't double her up. In the summer, though, we just did a short sleeve onesie and a cotton sack.

 

[KatO79]

Maybe this is a silly question, but what is a leap? Is it like a growth spurt or development stage?

You can see it here: https://www.thewonderweeks.com/what-are-mental-leaps/

According to the site:

What is a mental leap?
A leap in the mental development of your baby means that suddenly there are many changes in his head. Suddenly, his brain perceives things it wasn’t capable of perceiving before. This change is so great that his entire world suddenly looks different.

Phases in a mental leap
Just as your baby has processed the previous mental leap and has mastered a number of new skills, the next leap announces itself! The life of your baby will change drastically yet again. This process keeps repeating itself during the first two years. Especially in the first three months, when leaps follow one another in rapid sequence.

 

[Angel5000]

Kat - does the book provide much more info than the app? I have the app and it has quite a bit of information but I didn't know if it was worth getting the book too. The book has a kindle version which is cheaper and quicker to access but still want to make sure it isn't a waste of extra money.

Melody makes a similar ear piercing screeching sound when she's extra fussy and overtired. It's awful. More than once I've had to pass her off to DH because I couldn't handle it any longer. I'm usually okay during the day but by late night, at the end of the day, I just can't keep doing it without help.

 

[KatO79]

Kat - does the book provide much more info than the app? I have the app and it has quite a bit of information but I didn't know if it was worth getting the book too. The book has a kindle version which is cheaper and quicker to access but still want to make sure it isn't a waste of extra money.

Melody makes a similar ear piercing screeching sound when she's extra fussy and overtired. It's awful. More than once I've had to pass her off to DH because I couldn't handle it any longer. I'm usually okay during the day but by late night, at the end of the day, I just can't keep doing it without help.

The app or the audiobook? I'd say if it's the app, the book will give you lots of extra info on what to expect e.g. during her fussy periods and what to do to encourage her to develop the skills associated with the leap (although it varies apparently how many of the skills each child will aquire based on their interests). The audiobook gives a lot of info although I think the book gives you extra, I haven't listened enough to the audiobook to really determine if it's enough. I personally prefer the book because I like to be able to page through it and if anything is of extra interest to be able to go directly to it and read it again.

I hear you on the screeching, I'm utterly spent by the time DH gets home Although I'm never entirely free from hearing it!

AFM DH was a bit of a jerk last night I think I've slept in a weird position during a nap because I had really bad muscle pain in my shoulder and up my neck on the left side. During the night DH got up to give Alexander a diaper and handed him to me. I told DH I wasn't sure I could get him back in his cradle because I was in a lot of pain but he just said "I've done enough! You can't expect me to wake up again to put him back and get him to sleep if need be!" before turning his back on me and going back to sleep Unfortunately it still shocks and saddens me because before baby he wasn't like this He had his rare jerk moments, sure, but they've dramatically increased since Alexander was born. Hoping he'll improve, maybe once we've got Alexander sleep trained and we've reached the point where we can just put him in his crib (since we'll need to start using it once he hits 5-6 months) and he falls asleep on his own and sleeps through the night.

 

[Jezika]

Someone should write a book on relationship problems specifically with new babies. I bet there are common themes. Actually, there probably are books like that.

Kat I was meaning to say that I'm pretty sure psychology students anywhere must provide therapy to patients as part of their training (but under supervision). And because it's often for research and/or delivered by students in training, it's free. In my program I need to have clocked a certain number of hours treating and assessing patients in order to get my degree and also get licensure. So it might be worth checking it if a local uni is offering couples therapy.

Re: screaming babies, I had such a tough time with that between weeks 2-4. I felt the same way you did, Angel; felt like I was a bad mum, doing something wrong and just handed her to DH and cried. I feel extremely lucky that since bedsharing, she isn't ever inconsolable, and that BFing always works to clam her down too. But I know some people say that's spoiling her (and I don't care!). Having said that, I do want to eventually get her to be able to sleep in her own space. But then I read this article and it freaked me out about that idea (and I know this is just the start of completely conflicting advice about childrearing):
https://returntonow.net/2016/11/14/cribs-cause-brain-damage/

 

[KatO79]

Someone should write a book on relationship problems specifically with new babies. I bet there are common themes. Actually, there probably are books like that.

Kat I was meaning to say that I'm pretty sure psychology students anywhere must provide therapy to patients as part of their training (but under supervision). And because it's often for research and/or delivered by students in training, it's free. In my program I need to have clocked a certain number of hours treating and assessing patients in order to get my degree and also get licensure. So it might be worth checking it if a local uni is offering couples therapy.

Re: screaming babies, I had such a tough time with that between weeks 2-4. I felt the same way you did, Angel; felt like I was a bad mum, doing something wrong and just handed her to DH and cried. I feel extremely lucky that since bedsharing, she isn't ever inconsolable, and that BFing always works to clam her down too. But I know some people say that's spoiling her (and I don't care!). Having said that, I do want to eventually get her to be able to sleep in her own space. But then I read this article and it freaked me out about that idea (and I know this is just the start of completely conflicting advice):
https://returntonow.net/2016/11/14/cribs-cause-brain-damage/

There may well be, I think I'll try looking into it because I would love to know what is normal and what isn't and if and when things improve.

As for the psychology thing I can look into it although I don't know if I could get DH to go anyway

As for spoiling I don't think you can at this age The article I would take with a grain of salt seeing as how

But Dr. Nils Bergman, a specialist in perinatal neuroscience and founder of the Kangaroo Mother Care movement...

so the specialist is biased already. I'd like to see a real scientific study by unbiased specialists. I think the vast majority of people didn't co-sleep for that long and turned out perfectly fine!

 

[Jezika]

I guess it was possible she started that movement because of her and others' research, which doesn't necessarily make it biased, but I agree that generally it's best to seek information from multiple independent and disinterested sources. I also do wonder whether the higher rate of anxiety and other mental health disorders in Western countries is anything to do with how western kids are raised (including the cosleeping issue). That's possibly a stretch and my first statement may not even be accurate for many reasons, plus I could definitely think of many potential problems with that assumption, but just a thought.

 

[cutestuff]

Hi all. Jezika I wouldn't worry too much. There is research for both sides and since there are babies who didn't co sleep who are smart and empathic I would make your co sleeping decisions on what works best for your family.
Kat I don't know what to say. Sleep deprivation can be blamed for a lot but if he's going out of line too much maybe give him an ultimatum concerning either behavior or therapy cause that's too much. As for the nursing while laying down it could just take adjusting. Not sure what your cup size is but for me it saves me if I want to sleep while dd sleeps. I also have larger boobs but not so overly so. Maybe ask your health person foir help or see a lactational consultant...
Star I'm glad your okay and baby is good. That's scary.
AFM dealing with a sick baby and she's learning to run..man alive it just happens overnight.

 

[star_e]

Angel - thanks for the advice and for sharing your experience. i can anticipate how I'll react bc I know how I get when I'm tired and overwhelmed. I cry easily when I'm tired and already think I'll be lost. I'm so thankful I have this outlet bc I can ask you all questions. I'm hoping I'll get some more energy too. I'm hoping that part of the reason why I feel this exhausted right now is bc I'm pregnant. Anytime I go out to do anything I come back home and lie down with the intent to rest for a bit and I fall asleep and wake up an hour later. I just crash.

Thank you and drjo for giving me some insight about the sleepsacks and what to put under them.

Kat - i hope your DH will be more supportive soon and go back to they way he supported you before baby.

Jezika - how's it going?

Cute stuff - hope your LO feels better soon!

Hope everyone else is doing well and having a nice weekend.

 

[Jezika]

Cutestuff - very true, and that's why it's so difficult to know what to do as a new parent.

Star - have you had your iron levels checked? Often it dips in pregnancy, so it's possible it could be causing tiredness?

 

[drjo718]

Well, it didn't take 16 months this time. Hoping it sticks!

 

[Angel5000]

How's everyone's weekend? Yesterday DH had to work, he's picking up all the overtime he can to make up for my lack of pay, but he got home a little early and we went to my sister's for dinner and game night. Their 3 oldest (my sister's step kids, her husband's children) are in town every other weekend and this was their first chance to see Melody. Last time they were in town two of them were sick and she was so young I wasn't willing to risk it.

I decided that since M's taking a bottle well I wanted to have a drink so we had margaritas. OMG it's been SO LONG. I've missed my margaritas! LoL! I only had one, and did a ton of research about how to drink alcohol while BF. I made sure to feed her right before drinking and then we bottle fed until about 3-4 hours post drink. She only took one bottle, toward the end of the 3 hours, but she drank 7 ounces! She never drinks that much! Crazy child.

She slept longer last night, which means she didn't eat as much, so when I woke up this morning I was REALLY full. She ate enough to take away the pain but I was still really engorged so I pumped and I got 7oz from a 30 minute pump! I never get that much, I'm lucky to get 4oz usually. But at least I replenished the amount she drank last night.


Kat - yeah, I have the phone app and was wondering if it just had a condensed version of the book, or if the book has a ton more info. I'll probably pick up the book it sounds like it's got a lot of information that might be useful. And for the kindle it's only $8 so that isn't bad.

I'm so sorry that your DH has become such a jerk. I don't understand the change. I know that babies can cause a lot of stress on relationships and it's possible he just wasn't prepared for just how completely different your lives were going to be, but it really sucks that he's become such an @$$. I really really hope that once you both can start getting more sleep he gets better, but it also is not fair that you have to deal with him taking his sleep deprived frustrations out on you and Alexander. It's really inconsiderate.


Jezika - I'm so glad I am not the only one who felt like I was doing something wrong and would hand off baby and cry! It's getting better, and easier to handle, but that first month was really rough. Bedsharing does seem to make it easier. I'm also finally starting to get to KNOW her better, which helps. Some nights she'll start to act frantic about her feeding, searching frantically, then sucking for a little bit then pulling off and frantically searching again since she "lost the nipple". If I try to pick her up and burp her or snuggle her she kicks and uses her legs to push herself and "climb" up my chest (she's got really strong kicks). I finally figured out that most of the time when she does that she's not actually hungry. Partially she wants to just suck (but she refuses every pacifier we've tried!) but usually at that point if we get up and walk her for 3-5 minutes she'll have to burp and then will pass out. Funny enough though she won't actually burp if I try to do it sitting in bed, apparently when we stand it changes her position just enough she can get it out better But now that I know that, it's easier to get her to settled down.

Don't let that article scare you. First of all, there are tons of smart kids who are don't bed-share. My niece is really very bright (and I"m not just saying that because I'm her aunt, she often surprises me at what she can figure out) and she only bedshared for the first 6-7 weeks. Plus, that article mentions that he did a study on 16 babies. That isn't a big study and isn't enough of a population sample to be an accurately accepted research study in most research communities. I will agree that it probably helps the baby feel calmer and less stressed, because Melody will sleep for 4-5 hours if she's on my chest but only about 2.5-3 if she's beside me, and only 1-2 if she's on her own but I think that part of that is because she likes the body heat and to hear my heartbeat. As our littles get bigger I think it's perfectly acceptable to move them to their own bed as long as they still feel loved and comforted.

Star - I was fairly exhausted in the first and third trimesters of pregnancy. The exhaustion from a baby is a very different type of exhaustion, but if you can make it through the first few weeks it DOES get better. Also, the first two days are fairly easy because baby is really tired the first 24-36 hours, but the 2nd or 3rd night is when it gets the hardest in my opinion. THis is only my first child, but my sister said the same thing - that after day 2 she was thinking 'oh I got this, it isn't so bad' and then night 3 wrecked her (me too). But it got easier after the first two-three weeks. You'll have us to talk to!


drjo - wow! That was so fast this time! Congrats!! FX this sticks!! :woohoo:

 

[Jezika]

Dr Jo - congrats! And wow, that was super quick! Did you expect it to be so quick? You go, girl!

Angel - I totally hear you re: getting to know Melody more. Part of my early frustrations was not being able to predict her behaviour and finding what "worked" one time would be useless the next time. But now that's changed, things are much better! As for the research on bedsharing, of course the researcher in me knows that on its own this study means very little, especially with its limitations, but there's so much conflicting research out there that it can be overwhelming. I'd probably have to do a full-on lit review to be confident in forming my own opinion, but I'm determined to stay away from research while on mat leave! And you're right, plenty of people I know did not bedshare, me included, though it's not really intelligence I'm worried about, but mental health issues. I'm pretty anxious and neurotic and was never a confident child. Anyway, it's interesting stuff. Actually, I have to write my comprehensive requirement next year anyway and it has to be outside my research area, so maybe I can look into this more. Oh, btw I was meaning to ask if you have pics to share of your little Melody?

 

[KatO79]

drjo congrats and H&H 9 months! Nope that didn't take long but for some people they get more fertile after baby #1 so maybe that's what happened?

Jezika I didn't even notice that it's based on 16 babies. Yeah you'd need to study thousands before you can make any conclusions. I also think mental issues can come from what your parents were like and what your brain chemistry is like. My toxic mother had a toxic mother herself so that explains to a certain degree why she ended up toxic herself. My toxic mother in turn with her toxic ways made me a shy, not so confident child although luckily I didn't turn into a toxic myself for some reason. See my point?

Angel wow that's a good amount Melody put away! I think Alexander does the same and tends to consume more when it's from a bottle. Might be because it's easier to get the milk out and they have less chance of feeling when they're full? Regarding pacifiers Alexander still won't take one really either, think that's normal for breastfed babies that it can be harder to get them to take one compared to formula fed babies. My health care provider told me after I told her we've tried 3 or 4 different ones to pick the one Alexander liked best and to keep encouraging him to take it. As for my DH yeah it's strange. I was also thinking it was partially because he barely gets to spend fun time with Alexander during the week and it's only the work part he gets to do (e.g. changing diapers, getting him to sleep). But he sometimes prioritises crappy like yesterday he started going into cleaning mode because our Christening guests are coming to our house after the ceremony. So instead of playing with Alexander, he chose to clean around the house and said if the house isn't clean enough by the 4th, he'll cancel Also been thinking that he feels like he can't do things right because he can't succeed with the health care provider's advice and thinks I'm doing it better which isn't the case but maybe he just feels that way

AFM we've heard back from most of the people we've invited to the Christening and besides my siblings and their kids, the only ones not coming atm are DH's selfish friend and his girlfriend. Still missing DH's aunt (my FIL's sister) and her SO plus DH's little brother and his girlfriend (he might not let us know until the RSVP date since he's in a band and they may have to rehearse that day; he didn't even come to his grandmother's 95th birthday because of rehearsals). Also haven't heard back yet from a couple of friends, one single guy and one couple. But the RSVP date is the 25th so still time! My MIL has volunteered to make a Christening cake! Still not sure what to do about choosing Alexander's Christening gown, may just go with DH's family one since it's better suited for a boy than the one my mother made for me. I'm just not looking forward to the fallout as I know my mother is going to be a bitch about it

Ooops forgot to mention that one of the mothers from the Mommy Group, the one that also needed IVF to conceive baby #1, is going skiing soon She's going to have her 4 month old son in a carrier on her back while she skiis. I didn't dare say anything but I find that so dangerous! She may be a very good skiier but you just never know, someone could ram into her and she falls and risks her son getting seriously injured or worst case, dies. My DH has been skiing since he could walk and he said even he wouldn't risk it because you just never know. I just don't get why she's going to risk it

 

[Jezika]

Kat - I know so many other things contribute to what I'm talking about, but I'm just concerned about the things I can easily have control over, e.g., responsiveness to baby's needs, which has a well established link to attachment styles and is potentially relevant to sleeping arrangements (like CIO, for example). All this is certainly not the be-all and end-all, and I'm not losing sleep over it, but I do find it interesting.

Your DH sounds like mine with priorities. He started washing a mountain of dishes one day last week (my bro was visiting) when I needed him to watch Tilly so I could get ready for bed (so we could all sleep), plus I could do the dishes the next day when he's at work. And he is the one that really needs his sleep because he gets up early. Made no sense at all. I was pretty mad when he repeatedly refused to listen me, though admittedly also because he doesn't wash dishes properly for love nor money so i always have to redo them and it's a complete waste of time for him to even try. Anyway, if the RSVP deadline is the 25th, isn't there lots of time to clean? And unrelatedly, do you praise him when he's doing well with Alexander or clearly trying? Or would he feel that's condescending? I often say stuff like, "Tilly, you love being rocked by Daddy, don't you? Look at that big smile," or whatever else, and I *think* (hope) it makes him feel more appreciated by nothing of us.

Also, I'm so envious of you guys for having success with bottle feeding. Bought a second bottle and it's still a no-go. Maybe we're doing it wrong? How far should the nipple be put in their mouth? Should the larger part go in all the way?

 

[KatO79]

Jezika yeah our DHs sound pretty similiar! Mine gets a bit obssessed with cleaning before we have people over, it can get pretty annoying Sounds like something mine would do, so crazy The Christening is on March 4th so there's lots of time, I think he justs wants to be sure we reach to get everything done/cleaned before. He also seems to go extra nuts when we're expecting lots of guests. As for praise, he'd see it as me being condescending for sure so I haven't bothered to try that I do point out though when Alexander is looking at him and smiling at him since I know DH gets happy seeing his son smiling at him but that's pretty much it.

As for bottle feeding, it should look something like this (random pic I found on the internet):

 

[drjo718]

Thanks, ladies! It doesn't feel real yet, but I also didn't believe I ovulated this cycle. I didn't have a positive opk and I tested twice a day, but I did have some pressure. I even went in for a progesterone test to see if I ovulated and it came back at 28. The midwife that called with results told me I should take a pregnancy test soon, but I just laughed bc with Nora my progesterone was 77 just a few days after this draw, timing-wise. At work last Wednesday, I was walking to the cafeteria and suddenly had a strong feeling I was pregnant and it's a boy...call it mother's intuition? I got a positive pregnancy test 2 days later at 10dpo and went in for a blood test today, 13dpo. I'm a little paranoid bc when I had my miscarriage in 2014, I was 6 weeks and we went to California on vacation 4 days later. This time I'll be 6 weeks 2 days before we go to California for vacation again. I know it's just coincidence but it still seems weird.

Jezika- for positioning bottles, I just think of it like a breast. When you breastfeed, you want baby to have the whole nipple in her mouth and to have her lips flanged on the areola to properly suck. Similarly with a bottle, the whole nipple should be in her mouth and her lips flanged on the base so she has the same feeling and movements. I also found that some bottles had really long nipples and Nora would gag, so maybe that's something to consider.

 

[star_e]

Dro- congrats! So so happy for you! Wonderful news!!!

Jezika - haven't had iron levels checked. Have my next appointment in a few weeks so will def mention in to doc.

Angel - glad you enjoyed your margarita! Sounds fun fun. And thanks for the encouragement. So glad I have all of you to talk with.

Kat - glad you made a decision on a gown and hope the fallout with your mom is not rough. About the cleaning- How long does it take to clean? I don't live in a house but when my apt is very messy I always think it's going to take longer then it does to clean. My apt gets just as messy the next day all over again too.