Anyone TTC #1 and 30 or older?

[KatO79]

Ugh having another spat with DH I was super tired for the last half of the day with Alexander so had to power through and ended up taking a long nap shortly after DH came home, only interrupted by dinner. Then DH says he'll only give Alexander his gruel but that since I've gotten some sleep that I will get him to sleep afterwards because he's exhausted. I tried telling him that I'm exhausted as well and not getting enough sleep at night still (Alexander is suddenly waking 2 times now instead of 1) is making it necessary for me to sleep during the evenings. But he doesn't care, he says to me "You'll do it because I say you will!" Really pissed me off! During his week off last week for Easter he only got up with Alexander 1 morning and pushed for me to take the other mornings because he "needs his sleep!" God, I'm so tired of him having butthurt over me needing to nap during the evenings! If I didn't do that when I need to, I wouldn't be able to handle Alexander all day and with him sleeping less, that means more hours where I need to take care of him and entertain him during his gradually longer waking hours.

I'm starting to think DH is trying to wean off having to really do anything during weekdays at least although this weekend he won't be doing much either since he'll be out with his selfish friend for the most of Saturday because of Record Store Day

 

[Jezika]

Sorry to hear about DH being unsympathetic. I can't believe he said "you'll do it coz I say you will." I'd have lost my poop. Find some excuse to be gone an entire weekend or even one day while A is in his care, and I bet it'll dawn on him how tough and exhausting single parenthood is (which, really, is what it is during the day when one partner works).

Oh and I forgot to say that Tilly doesn't tolerate tummy time for long periods either. Most has probably been a couple minutes, but average is definitely less than a minute, even if it's on my chest. Apparently babywearing also counts as tummy time. But again, I'm trying not to be too bothered by it, though I guess we could do shorter spurts but more regularly.

 

[drjo718]

Kat- Alexander isn't the only one not teething! Nora turns one next week and doesn't have any teeth yet. She also didn't like tummy time and always turned herself right over. Then as soon as she figured out rolling to her front, she was scooting all across the floor. She's still never a stationary baby, even while sleeping. Now she's walking all over and going up and down stairs.

I had my nuchal screening for baby #2 on Tuesday...and we saw BOY parts! Which was my first instinct. Dh wants to announce gender already, but I feel like we should get confirmation later since it's still sooo early.

 

[Jezika]

Eeee congrats on boy, DrJo! How nice to have one of each. What are your reservations about announcing? We announced at 13 weeks but I know people that didn't announce till much later.

 

[KatO79]

Sorry to hear about DH being unsympathetic. I can't believe he said "you'll do it coz I say you will." I'd have lost my poop. Find some excuse to be gone an entire weekend or even one day while A is in his care, and I bet it'll dawn on him how tough and exhausting single parenthood is (which, really, is what it is during the day when one partner works).

Oh and I forgot to say that Tilly doesn't tolerate tummy time for long periods either. Most has probably been a couple minutes, but average is definitely less than a minute, even if it's on my chest. Apparently babywearing also counts as tummy time. But again, I'm trying not to be too bothered by it, though I guess we could do shorter spurts but more regularly.

I don't think I'd dare to leave a whole weekend. DH seems to sleep through most of Alexander's crying at night and I'd fear him just letting him starve at night. Don't have any friends really yet anyway I could visit other than that childish one whom I don't want to see (she'd cause me more stress) and I don't want to spend a whole weekend at my mother's and hear her tell me how fat I am or that what I wear is ugly/childish/stupid. A day would be easier but I doubt that it'd be enough to make much of an impact on DH anyway. I think the problem is that his father didn't do much and it was mostly his mother who took care of the kids. I think DH expects it to be that way instead of the more 50/50 I was going for if you get my meaning. He probably genuinely thinks he's doing his "fair share" since it's a bit more than what his father did.

Yep that sounds like mine more. I guess we have no choice and my HV did say that I should just get as much time in as possible and it didn't sound like I should force him to stay on his tummy when he wants to roll over.

Kat- Alexander isn't the only one not teething! Nora turns one next week and doesn't have any teeth yet. She also didn't like tummy time and always turned herself right over. Then as soon as she figured out rolling to her front, she was scooting all across the floor. She's still never a stationary baby, even while sleeping. Now she's walking all over and going up and down stairs.

I had my nuchal screening for baby #2 on Tuesday...and we saw BOY parts! Which was my first instinct. Dh wants to announce gender already, but I feel like we should get confirmation later since it's still sooo early.

Ah good to know mine isn't the only one In our case though Alexander can roll onto his tummy, I've seen him do it once and know he's also done it one more time at least. I just think he doesn't want to because he hates being on his tummy. I think he's atm happiest on his back and doesn't yet see much point in getting mobile Here's hoping that soon changes although I'm sure once he does start crawling and is into everything I'll start to regret wanting him to crawl

Congrats on

 

[KatO79]

Some pics of my not-so-little guy

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Kat he's so precious! I give you so much credit.. you really handle dh situation better then I would. Id have given him an ultimatum and lost my sh*+ already.

Dr congrats on team boy!

AFM, a few new things. I got the results from my 7-day cardiac event monitor. They saw 12 instances of sinus tachycardia and 22 instances of PVCs however... It's all pregnancy related and will go away after peanut is born.. just how my body is choosing to deal with the extra blood and body fluids.

On another note we finally had the appraisal on my father in law's house. We've been working on trying to move in there since June of last year since he passed away April 27, 2016. After having a contractor take our money and walk away leaving the house in the middle of construction and not finished and running through all of our money we had saved for me to be a SAHM because my brother in law wont take care of his responsibilities, we finally are working on getting it refinanced and hired a new contractor to do the rest of the work courtesy of a loan from my parents. They want us in before peanut gets here so they gave us the money and when the refi goes through we will pay them back. My mother in law on the other hand felt bad about that and decided to buy us new kitchen countertops in the house as the current ones are in bad shape. I honestly am just so humbled we have parents who are willing to help us.

 

[Jezika]

Kat he looks like such a happy boy! And you're probably right that DH thinks he's doing pretty well by performing more childcare than his dad. Not sure how too address that. Have you ever spoken about it? Luckily my DH is on board with splitting duties even though he works full time, but instead our point of contention has been finances. I'm a student and while I get scholarships, it's obviously not as much as he gets for full time work, and several times he's said things like he doesn't want me to rely on him financially just because of my decision to go to school, doesn't want to have to contribute to my student loans from undergrad coz I never had to contribute to his etc. Funny thing is I pay for myself for everything, it's just rent that he pays more for than I do, and I never asked him to pay my loans off. But obv if we completely combined finances like most couples, our debts would be shared too. Anyway, he's generally very liberal in his views, so when I asked him what would happen if I wanted to be a full time STAHM mum since he thinks I should be supporting myself, he had no response. I then further pointed out how his mum still didn't work after her kids grew up. She does lots of volunteer and community work, which is great, but the point is that DH's father supported her financially the whole time. Actually, maybe that's where his hang-up comes from...

Aaaaanyway...

Gag I'm glad the house stuff is working out, though I'm so sorry you got screwed over by the first contractor. And I agree anyone who has parental support is so lucky, and I know we will do the same for our kids in hard times.

 

[KatO79]

Thanks

Gagrlinpitt so great your parents are helping out! Hope the house is soon in tip top shape and ready to move into.

Kat he looks like such a happy boy! And you're probably right that DH thinks he's doing pretty well by performing more childcare than his dad. Not sure how too address that. Have you ever spoken about it? Luckily my DH is on board with splitting duties even though he works full time, but instead our point of contention has been finances. I'm a student and while I get scholarships, it's obviously not as much as he gets for full time work, and several times he's said things like he doesn't want me to rely on him financially just because of my decision to go to school, doesn't want to have to contribute to my student loans from undergrad coz I never had to contribute to his etc. Funny thing is I pay for myself for everything, it's just rent that he pays more for than I do, and I never asked him to pay my loans off. But obv if we completely combined finances like most couples, our debts would be shared too. Anyway, he's generally very liberal in his views, so when I asked him what would happen if I wanted to be a full time STAHM mum since he thinks I should be supporting myself, he had no response. I then further pointed out how his mum still didn't work after her kids grew up. She does lots of volunteer and community work, which is great, but the point is that DH's father supported her financially the whole time. Actually, maybe that's where his hang-up comes from...

Nope I've tried but it just gets me nowhere and he gets annoyed and thinks I'm the one being a bit unreasonable. I just think it stinks that he only does anything when I tell him to and what he needs to do instead of e.g. saying "Sweetheart I can see you're tired, let me take over Alexander for x number of hours while you get a nap/relax."

As for finances I get you on that one. I have huge student debt that I'm unable to pay back and may never be able to pay back if I never have a job. I will say though that DH has never made me feel bad about it as he knows how super hard I fought to get a job but he's not much for starting to pay it back, even though his parents say it can affect Alexander's inheritance when we both die if DH goes first My DH though doesn't have huge issues with supporting me financially, if anything I'm the one with the issue as it makes me feel like a sponge once in a while But in a way it's odd that your DH has such huge issues with supporting you financially. In reality the money he earns is in a way also partly yours as you're married, that's the way DH and I look at it anyway. I hope you soon get him to answer you on the SAHM thing as it needs to something you agree on so there aren't any bad feelings. I don't see anything wrong with being a SAHM, I may go that route myself although in my case it'll be partially be because I can't get a job so may not have much choice. Although I did always feel that if I chose to have kids (I went back and forth a lot on if I wanted kids or not for a huge chunk of my life), that I wanted to either be a SAHM or only work part-time. If I do end up being a SAHM, I'm also planning on doing volunteer work, preferably something with animals if possible. Plus of course getting back to horseback riding I don't see why volunteer work is seen as so much of a less than paid work but that's probably because you don't earn any money doing it but I think it can be just as important and worthwhile as certain paying jobs!

Ugh DH left for Record Store Day. He's apparently picking up his selfish friend (why this friend can't take the train I don't fathom but he's also a major cheapskate!), then driving to the store which is halfway between his selfish friend's apartment and our house, then a beer afterwards and then he has to drive his selfish friend home before he can drive home himself. He foolishly thinks he can be home before Alexander goes down for the evening (if I put Alexander to nap anywhere from 4:30 PM or after, he doesn't wake up until earliest 11 PM if he wakes up himself) but I seriously doubt it. Think I'm going to suggest he takes over Alexander fully tomorrow so I can get a much needed break although I may have to look out for 'Xander's tired signs as DH is still a bit hopeless

 

[KatO79]

Ugh DH is really annoying this morning I got up at 6 AM and bf'ed Alexander before preparing his 1st oatmeal (with strawberries today). 'Xander ate it all btw and then he shortly had to be put down for his first nap of the day. He slept from around 7:30 AM to around 9:15 AM and then it was DH's turn. He got up and got him and then just sat with him on the couch watching TV. I asked him if he wasn't going to play with 'Xander and maybe give him some tummy time. Nope, he's tired! I told him that he got 3 hours more sleep than me but then he said "Well I went to bed later than you, just leave me alone!" Well yeah, I went to bed once Alexander was asleep to maximise how much sleep I get. DH chose to stay up later and watch TV. What followed was some bickering on how much sleep we've gotten, DH even said "You slept most of Friday evening." Ummm yeah, I needed that sleep as I don't have much opportunity to nap during the day anymore since Alexander's naps are getting shorter. I tried telling DH that he needs to get used to Alexander getting up early as he'll be doing that for some time to come but no response. He then put Alexander under his activity center and then sat down back on the sofa to see TV. I guess he expects me to almost constantly take the morning shifts so he can sleep in on the weekends But I just love how he's playing sleep police and almost calling me out on napping in the evenings

Oh and then to really be an a**hole, after trying to pressure me into getting him a cup of coffee and whining about it (I told him he could get it himself and he should be offering me one since I got up earlier!) he finally went over to play with 'Xander and then said to him "Your mother is forcing me to!" Like seriously WTF!!!! I seriously don't get why he even wanted a child when all he wants to do is sleep in late (and go to bed late), watch his stupid shows and go out every chance he gets.

 

[Jezika]

Eek it frustrates me too when DH just holds her in his lap while he watches TV, sometimes even letting her grumble because she's obviously wanting attention, but he keeps just watching TV. I'm not saying I never do that, but you'd think when a parent doesn't get to spend as much time with their baby, they'd want to get the most out of it. I shouldn't moan... right now he took her from our bed so I could chill in bed a bit and is now singing to her. If I wasn't getting much sleep though, we'd probably have similar arguments, though he does usually concede that things are tougher for me since I wake to feed her at night. But I don't point out that often I barely even wake up when I feed her because we bedshare, heh heh.

I know you guys said you'd try to find time to properly talk. Have you managed to do that? Just to calmly discuss each other's perspectives? Honestly, it's such an interesting exercise, even if brief, to try to relay to the other person what you think THEIR point of view is (without any facetiousness).

Re: finances, you're right that when you're married, everyone's money is everyone's money. The SAHM thing annoys me mainly because I don't even plan on being a SAHM, so it's not like all along I've planned to be financially reliant on him. Plus I happily spend the money I do have on him and us and would be happy to support him financially if he wanted to go back to school. Once I'm done school I hope to be making a lot of money. I will say that I think he's finally come around a bit though, because he's said we might as well merge finances. I guess it was having a baby that changed that (99% of whose expenses I cover from my own money, btw).

 

[KatO79]

Jezika ugh sorry your DH does the same thing! I don't get what makes them think that's quality time with their baby You'd think they'd be grabbing every chance they can get to play with them. But it's great yours takes her so you can relax, mine never offers to do that, I have to tell him Also it's great he admits you have it a bit tougher, mine never has admitted that. Haven't tried talking yet, I was planning on writing a letter but with Alexander's naps getting shorter I just don't seem to find much time to do that Whatever time I have in between is used on preparing 'Xander's meals or eating a meal myself. I don't even think DH would respond favourably as he's very defensive these days. I don't know if it's work, 'Xander or a combination. He used to be, that is B.B. (Before Baby), more reasonable to discuss stuff with, now he just gets defensive and angry.

Great you've gotten him to want to merge finances though. I feel you on the SAHM thing, I was mostly leaning to getting a part-time job but since my outlook for getting any type of job is poor right now..... FXed you get a job quickly once you're done though because I can tell you unemployment really sucks and the longer it drags on, the more depressing it gets My longest unemployment period was technically after my Master's and it lasted 2½ years before I started studying to be a Lab Tech.

 

[cutestuff]

Sorry you guys are having dh issues. I think men are just wired differently. Mine plays with dd and will watch her while I work out but he thinks sleeping in the same bed and watching TV is the same as going to a park or playing outside where you have to focus on baby. I try to keep in mind that things can always be worse and I can't judge when I let dd watch TV too.
AFM dd is 17 months on Friday and she's starting to mimic everything. She will pick up my dhs energy drinks and pretend to drink it saying mmmmmm like she thinks its yummy....she climbs on chairs and tables and just laughs at you. She tries to climb book shelves and shes understands give daddy or mommy a kiss and will make a sound like mah while doing it. My dh said he heard her use a two word phrase and she's babbling, humming and making noises like she's trying to figure out how it all works. As for teething anything between 6 months and a year is normal. Congrats drojo that will be a lot of work

 

[KatO79]

cutestuff that's probably true, men do seem to have different ideas about certain things. I just feel like that DH should be e.g. trying to give 'Xander tummy time as he needs it. So great about your DD, I almost can't wait until 'Xander is like that although I do realise toddlers are challenging in other ways I can't wait until he can say "Mommy" (or in Danish it's "mor") although I've heard that in Denmark most babies say "Daddy" (or in Danish "far") first because it's easier to pronounce

AFM 'Xander has started to eat his morning oatmeal quicker and ate everything so thinking of making a slightly larger portion for him tomorrow. DH's paternity leave starts on June 1st and hoping he's not thinking it'll be him just sleeping late and basically being on vacation, I'm going to push for him taking at least ½ of the early morning feedings of oatmeal because they're a nightmare since 'Xander goes bat s*** crazy waiting even though I'm still bf'ing him before starting to make his breakfast DH will just have to go to bed earlier to help out more during mornings although I know that'll be a challenge for him as he likes to watch TV shows at night. Ugh and I don't really hear from my toxic siblings which is actually a good thing. I'm almost hoping they cancel coming to Denmark this summer but we'll see.

UPDATE: Ugh so DH was yet again up late. Not sure how late as I went to bed as soon as 'Xander was asleep and didn't hear him come in but I went to bed around 11 PM (got up btw at 5 AM as 'Xander woke and wanted food). DH's alarm went off this morning at around 6 AM but he just kept pushing snooze and apparently turned it off. I kept thinking that he should be getting up but am tired of playing his mother so let him be. He first got up at almost 8 AM and was absolutely pissed that I didn't wake him. He told me I have to wake him when he does that but I just don't feel like it's my responsibility, especially when he chooses to go to bed super late and he's turning 40 in July for Christ's sake!

 

[cutestuff]

Kat maybe dh is jealous of baby. I think he didn't realize how much changes with baby and he just figures like mine does that when baby is breastfeeding they need mommy not daddy and they just stay out of the way. When dd was younger he was all about telling me it was my call and all me. I think he was trying to give me confidence and even though society has grown there are still gender roles and my dh has even said it's my job to deal with everything cause I'm the mom. I see it as he is responsible for making sure we have a roof over our head and money in our hands for food and stuff and if I were to go back to work he's well aware he would be required to help more which is why I probably won't work until dd is old enough for school.....
As for words dada or daddy was dds first word followed by dgee for doggy hot this that and most recently hi. She says mom mom or mama sometimes but not as frequently as dada.
Afm I am a few days late on my period and don't think I'm pregnant cause we aren't trying.... Let's just say when bed sharing with a toddler you don't get much action especially when factoring in that we've been together for 14 years in June...but the missing af is bugging me. I've been pretty regular since 5/6 months pp. Dd still feeds 6-10 times between night waking and nap time. We wouldn't be bummed but I was hoping dd would be toilet trained and/or sleeping through the night before that happened. At least between the pointing and grunting she can communicate better

 

[KatO79]

Kat maybe dh is jealous of baby. I think he didn't realize how much changes with baby and he just figures like mine does that when baby is breastfeeding they need mommy not daddy and they just stay out of the way. When dd was younger he was all about telling me it was my call and all me. I think he was trying to give me confidence and even though society has grown there are still gender roles and my dh has even said it's my job to deal with everything cause I'm the mom. I see it as he is responsible for making sure we have a roof over our head and money in our hands for food and stuff and if I were to go back to work he's well aware he would be required to help more which is why I probably won't work until dd is old enough for school.....
As for words dada or daddy was dds first word followed by dgee for doggy hot this that and most recently hi. She says mom mom or mama sometimes but not as frequently as dada.
Afm I am a few days late on my period and don't think I'm pregnant cause we aren't trying.... Let's just say when bed sharing with a toddler you don't get much action especially when factoring in that we've been together for 14 years in June...but the missing af is bugging me. I've been pretty regular since 5/6 months pp. Dd still feeds 6-10 times between night waking and nap time. We wouldn't be bummed but I was hoping dd would be toilet trained and/or sleeping through the night before that happened. At least between the pointing and grunting she can communicate better

I think he didn't realise about how much changes and just figured his life could continue almost the same as before. He was also raised with a father that didn't do much and a grandfather that pretty much didn't do anything when he raised my MIL and her sister. I don't know why he was expecting me to be like my MIL though, he knew me for a while before getting married so he should've known I'd expect him to help out. I don't think I could handle or be very happy being solely responsible for 'Xander, I do need breaks here and there and it's good if I can get DH to take a few shifts getting 'Xander to sleep or change a diaper or feed him gruel/mash/porridge when he can.

It's funny how it seems like so many babies say Dad first, you'd think seeing Mom (in many cases) most of the time would mean that she'd be the first word Kinda bummed if it ends up that way in my case but it probably will. He smiles much more and more easily at my DH than me

As for AF could be a wonky cycle? You could always try testing to make sure if there's the slightest chance and if it's a BFN and AF doesn't show up for a while then call your GP. I get not wanting to have another before though. In my case I have no choice if DH and I do decide for #2 as I was strongly advised to not get pregnant until 2 years after the c-section.

AFM 'Xander has been waking up at 5 AM for a while now so will be trying to move it at least 1 hour forward gradually. Tried letting him fall alseep by himself this morning and it worked fine. He made complaining noises for 30 seconds and then got more quiet and fell asleep after a short while. I stood nearby ready to help him if he started to cry. My DH told me that he went to bed at 2 AM last night because after he got 'Xander to sleep, he started cleaning in the kitchen and got our trash out in the bins as the garbage men pick up the trash today (it's every 2nd Wednesday). I told him I don't get why he didn't do that when he got home (instead of using so many hours relaxing with a beer and listening to LPs) and that the kitchen wasn't so bad and could've waited. No response from him.

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Kat have you thought maybe DH feels neglected? All your attention is now on Xander and he possibly could feel left out.. that's something I've learned from some my friends.. the book " love and respect" is so good at pointing out thing like that.

Before Xander you probably paid much more attention to him and now he might feel like you only care about Xander and if you're on his case about everything he might be pulling back and resisting because he feels neglected and unrespected. Just a thought anyways.

 

[cutestuff]

Kat sometimes knowing something and living the experience are two separate things. For example if I tell you my dd is walking climbing and pointing and spinning in circles and running you know in your head that eventually Xander will be the same way but guaranteed in around a year from now when he is doing those things you will wonder why you ever wanted it and will feel tired just watching him much less trying to keep up. It's the same for dh he might have known that you wanted help before baby but maybe thought the mom experience would change how you felt since you knew he didn't grow up in a family where men help..,..,,
Garl I've read that book. There's another good one called men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. It essentally talks about how men separate their lives into different boxes (compartmentalization) and they have a hard time moving from one box to another whereas for women everything gets together and blends... It's good to think about how people are different and perceive things in a way that is unique to them but man boys can be frustrating....
Afm af started this am. I'm relieved I don't think I could have handled another so soon. Dd just got her first molars and according to wonder weeks... Not the ap but the website she's getting ready for leap 10 I just hope it includes some more vocabulary.... This screaming temper tantrum flappiness doesn't work.....

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Kat sometimes knowing something and living the experience are two separate things. For example if I tell you my dd is walking climbing and pointing and spinning in circles and running you know in your head that eventually Xander will be the same way but guaranteed in around a year from now when he is doing those things you will wonder why you ever wanted it and will feel tired just watching him much less trying to keep up. It's the same for dh he might have known that you wanted help before baby but maybe thought the mom experience would change how you felt since you knew he didn't grow up in a family where men help..,..,,
Garl I've read that book. There's another good one called men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. It essentally talks about how men separate their lives into different boxes (compartmentalization) and they have a hard time moving from one box to another whereas for women everything gets together and blends... It's good to think about how people are different and perceive things in a way that is unique to them but man boys can be frustrating....
Afm af started this am. I'm relieved I don't think I could have handled another so soon. Dd just got her first molars and according to wonder weeks... Not the ap but the website she's getting ready for leap 10 I just hope it includes some more vocabulary.... This screaming temper tantrum flappiness doesn't work.....

That is a great book too.. so is"his needs, her needs".. all three of those books just help you understand why you and your spouse think differently and have differences of opinions..

 

[rkozak15]

I know how you feel-I'm now 35, hubby is 32 and ttc # 1 for 8 years! Definitely gut-wrenching; about to lose my mind, but glad that I'm not entirely alone in this. Keep your head up. We'll all get there someday, some way.