“I cannot minimize how upsetting I found your recent email. It is astounding to Ann and I that you (and Mom I suppose) can get upset at us and attempt to lay a guilt-trip on us for our not spending more time in Denmark when we are flying over there in a few months for your wedding, at great personal expense I might add, and at which time I will be forced to take time off of work, without pay, and (daughter's name) cannot even attend the wedding (I’ll be paying a babysitter for that).”
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve misunderstood my mail. It was strictly to let you know what my feelings were and to let you know mom is sad that she won’t be able to see you for more than a few days. It wasn’t meant to be a guilt trip. It was also that you haven’t been able to come in all the 5 years preceding the wedding, something that has disappointed us all.
I know that the trip won’t be cheap but when there’s a wedding and family and friends live far away there will of course be an expense. Our friends from Mexico will be coming and they’re not complaining about how expensive it’ll be for them. They’re doing everything they can to make it happen. We’re very happy that people who are travelling from other parts of the world want to do this. But the expense is not exactly something to complain about since it’s bad form, it’s something you are willing to accept to be able to come and therefore can’t complain, least of all to the bridal couple. Not only that, (DH's name) and I were counting on paying the babysitting expenses. Mom has found a friend of Lea’s who is willing and has the time so it has been pretty much arranged. (Daughter's name) is not the only child to not be coming to the reception since (BIL + wife's names) children won’t be invited either, they’re way too young (4 and 1 years old when the wedding comes around). Small children will quickly get bored of sitting in one place for 4-5 hours and listening to, what they consider, boring speeches during the reception. There is no possibility of entertaining them during the reception since it’s at an inn and there are no toys or other children to play with. I fully understand that you are bringing her so Mom and I can meet her and we’re looking forward to it, but you need to understand that it’s not normal for small children to be invited to weddings in DK, also because they get bored and it’s also of consideration for the parents so they can enjoy the party and not have to deal with bored and perhaps crying children.
“Because of the date of the wedding (something you and (DH's name) set after many months of un-necessary procrastination and insisted that we would just have to deal with the inconvenience of the date), we cannot stay in Europe more than a few days, a week at most, because my responsibilities demand that I get back to work quickly. Although we entertained the idea of visiting some of (his wife's name)’s family in Northern Germany for a day or so, we had already agreed not to do so so as to maximize the time we could spend with Mom and you. Jumping to conclusions like that and sending us what I feel is an aggressive email about plans that were never finalized is incredibly hurtful.”
(DH's name) and I didn’t procrastinate at all so that’s just pure nonsense. We got engaged the 10th of February and quickly started to find a month. We ended up with the decision between March, April or May although we were at the time leaning mostly towards April. I sent you an email in the start of March to let you know that these were the months under discussion, no answer from you. But after discussing it with Mom and (DH's name)’s parents concerning which month has the best weather we ended up deciding on May, more precisely the 9th of May. We told everyone and since you never said anything of any of the months being inconvenient I figured it was ok Mom tell you since she was planning on hearing from you very soon. She then informed me that May 9th was no good for you and since I want you to give me away at the wedding and are an important person, (DH's name) and I moved it 3 weeks to the 30th of May. We knew you’d prefer June after what Mom told us but due to his parents had already planned a trip to the usa in the start of June and that numerous friends of ours will be away in June we had to compromise all these wishes. You were informed of this date around the 22nd of August, ample notice since most people don't get informed until 3-6 months before the wedding, you got 9 months warning. Besides it’s not reasonable to pressure the bride and groom to change the chosen date and only consider the convenience of 1 or 2 people. We had to balance everyone’s preferences and it’s impossible to find a date that everyone is happy with, as you said concerning the date chosen for (daughter's name)’s Christening. It’s up to friends and family to figure out to eventually make an effort and come or not come because they just can’t because of other obligations.
I had only Mom to orientate me as to your plans since you never said much and never let me know what the exact plans were. The last I heard was you were only staying for 2 days and then taking off for Germany for 2 weeks. I’m sorry that there have been misunderstandings but I don’t think it’s entirely my fault. I don’t feel that a mail letting you know I’m sad not to have seen you in all these years is aggressive, is sharing feelings aggressive?
“(Wife's name) and I are extending a huge effort, not to mention expense, in coming to Denmark for the wedding, as well as offering to pay for your photographer – something we were under no obligation to do. Of course, we are glad to do it and would never miss such a happy occasion.”
(DH's name) and I appreciate that you are extending the effort and the expense but what’s with constantly reminding me of how much money it’s costing you to come to my wedding? It’s not polite to talk about how much money it’s gonna cost you to attend someones wedding. (DH's name) and I were also pleased that you offered to pay for the photographer as our wedding present to us but it’s not polite to complain how much a wedding gift is costing you.
“As it turns out, we feel very much the same way you feel...we feel we have been a low priority. We haven't seen you both in 5 years either and have hoped to get a visit from both of you, or at least one of you, especially since (daughter's name) was born. Since (daughter's name) was born, we have received countless excuses for Mom’s not coming over here to visit us. We have felt disappointed and very let down on several occasions when she has decided, for whatever reason, that she cannot make it over for a visit, even when we have offered to pay for her entire trip over here. We changed (daughter's name)’s Christening date and location because Mom said May in Maryland would be better for her than June in New York . Still, she didn't come.”
I’ll start with the problem with Mom: The major problem, besides finances, is that she’s a semi-handicap, she walks badly and often needs assistance when going farther that the mail box since her balance is poor and she’s afraid of falling. She can therefore not travel alone since she’d have a hard time getting around the airport and lifting heavy luggage. The Christening is a can of worms I’m not willing to get into, other than to say that since (my cousin and her DH) were unable to travel with her she couldn’t come because she can’t travel alone as I’ve said. (DH's name) and I would of travelled with her but he unfortunately had to go back to Singapore because of the project and I was and am completely broke. Not only that, I was living off of unemployement checks and working at the crappy job at (another company name here) and had practically just started. There was also the fact that I was only allowed 3 weeks paid vacation and if we were going to spent 2 weeks in the usa later that year and also had a ski trip of a week then it wasn’t possible for me to come either.
“As for you, you said several times that you and (DH's name) were planning a visit this past August, so we planned our summer trip to Maine around that and made no plans for August. You then said that you both planned to visit in September or October and did not have the courtesy of telling us you weren't coming after all until I asked you directly about your plans.”
You’re not being fair. Let me give you a (DH's company) 101 course and being a trainee at the company. When you’re a trainee at (DH's company) you travel when they say, no excuses short of funerals and your own wedding. Not only that, he was part of a project and had to travel at (DH's company) ’s convenience so the project could be finished as quickly as possible. It was an ongoing project from December 2007 to October 2008 where he had to travel accordingly. We weren’t even informed of Singapore until 2 weeks before he had to travel there. At first he was only to be in Australia for at most 1 month, then he wasn’t supposed to go to Perth but (DH's company) changed their minds shortly before he had to go and this combined with that the project was very very delayed, forced my hand. I had to cancel the August trip and further delays forced me to cancel the other months. I had trouble keeping you completely updated because it’s hard to foresee delays and (DH's name) has been poorly informed throughout the entire affair. Not only that, (DH's name) couldn’t tell them to screw the project and take off to the USA without losing his job. He didn’t even get a decent summer vacation, also because he was tired of travelling and because it was so short. He needed a break from travelling and we ended up, with regret, cancelling our trip to the usa . This was also due to the need to save up for the wedding and with only one person making money, it’s not easy to make ends meet in DK, the taxes are horrible and food costs a fortune. We also have a cat, another expense, since she is half blind and needs medicine for her eyes which isn’t cheap. Not only that, the vet bills have been terrible this month and we won’t be able to do a lot of things because of all these bills. Living off of one income is very difficult to do here, almost impossible. (DH's name) and I are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
“While we understand that things got in the way of that visit and it couldn't be helped, the egocentric tone of your email leads me to wonder if either of you ever bothered to imagine how all this has made me and (wife's name) feel...that my mother and sister, the 2 people I feel closest to in my family, have not met my now over 1 year old daughter. Imagine me fielding questions from (wife's name)’s family about why neither my mother nor sister have come over to see (daughter's name) in over a year…I doubt you have indulged in this thought experiment but I can tell you that it is personally embarrassing to me, not that it would matter to someone who is so obviously enclosed in self-obsessive thinking. But, despite feeling hurt and ignored by my family, I would never and have never attempted to lay a guilt-trip on you or Mom for not visiting.”
It doesn’t feel like you understand when you at the same time complain about it. I assure you that Mom and I are sad that we haven’t had the means or opportunity to come and see her. The problems concerning travelling to the usa have been mentioned above. It’s not like we can just take a 2 hour drive, we live in another country thousands of miles away and there are more things to consider and more planning involved.
Your embarrassment is something I don’t understand, entirely beyond me. Surely they can see from all I’ve explained, Mom’s financial and health problems and mine and (DH's name)’s finances and his job situation, that we just can’t leave without a certain amount of planning, saving and , in mom's case, assistance planning. I don’t see anything embarrassing in any of this. They can’t take all this under their consideration before judging us to be bad people? (his wife's name)’s family should try living in the real world were people don’t have lots of money and other real problems, it may be healthy for them. I can’t see these problems as being self obsessive or as blatant attempt to ignore you, these are real problems that need to be handled and dealt with when one plans on travelling halfway around the world. But maybe (DH's name) should tell (DH's company) to screw themselves, lose his job and use all our wedding savings and what little else we have so you don’t suffer further embarrassment from (his wife's name)’s family. Glad to hear we all are en embarrassment to you, nice to know:S
“I know this may come as shocking news to you, but the world does not revolve around you. It's time you heard OUR side of the story and for you and Mom to think about how we feel for once. I have attempted not to pressure either of you to visit and to understand why that has been difficult for you. It is disappointing in the extreme to see that it is a one-way street and you have apparently no insight or empathy into how the fact that only (my cousin and her DH) have made any effort at reciprocity feels to us.”
I’ve been well aware over this for a very long time. Life has taught me numerous lessons, but I don’t see why just because I’m letting you know about mine and Mom’s feelings and problems that have delayed our trip to the usa that you can conclude I’m a selfish person. I’m sorry to hear that your attempts to understand the numerous problems and complications that Mom, (DH's name) and I have to deal with haven’t succeeded. What about some empathy for our financial problems and Mom’s health problems? Who’s sounding like a one-way street now? (My cousin and her DH) have a much easier time getting away, (cousin's DH) has no job and it’s 100 times easier for (cousin) to take time off than it is for (my DH). Other than that, I won’t touch the whole Christening affair since is just a mine field and now that (cousin) and Mom are good friend again, I see no reason to discuss it further. You’ve heard both parties and must make your own conclusions on who is in the wrong there.
“I do not wish to make anyone feel guilty or push anyone into doing anything that they are unwilling or unable to do … in short, guilt-trips are not my style and I would never have sent you a similar email to the one we received. I have let your wishes and that of Mom be our first priority instead of getting on people’s cases about it. I suggest you and Mom, if she put you up to this, rethink about who feels like a low priority.”
As said, it wasn't intented as a guilt trip, that's just how you falsely see it. Even if you did send me a similar email I would not have attacked you the way I feel you have attacked me. I would of just simply explained that due to circumstances it’s not possible to stay longer or come before that. It would never be unwillingness but unability that could stop me from coming. It’s funny you mention unwillingness, that’s hopefully not one of the reasons?! I would have sent you an answer in a polite manner. Mom has not put me up to anything, I’m nearly 30 and can definitely think for myself so leave her out of this whole mess, it’s me who wrote the mail so don’t take it out on her, don’t even mention it!
“We are both sorry and disappointed that neither of you have chosen, for whatever reasons, to visit us and see (daughter's name), when countless invites have been made and we have offered to cover some major expenses in that connection. It is astonishing and insulting to us to hear that we are not making an effort or that we don't care, or that our priorities are somehow misplaced.”
I think the reasons I’ve mentioned are highly reasonable excuses to as why it’s been difficult for all 3 of us to travel to the usa and see her. It hasn’t been a choice, circumstances have gotten in the way. First you say you understand things got in the way, now it’s a deliberate choice, with the added bonus of ignoring you?! I’m confused, either you understand and accept it or you don’t and tell us what horrible people we are. You can’t say you understand and accept and then turn around and attack us for circumstances that have been beyond our control. You have never offered to help (DH) and I with the expenses such a trip would cost and I wouldn’t wish it or accept it, generous as I would of found it.
“To paraphrase you: "It would have been nice if (my name) and (my mother's name) would have made an effort to get to know (his daughter) before her first year". "It's a little strange that (my name) and (my mother's name) will first meet my daughter at age 1 1/2." Sound familiar?”
We have tried to make the effort but what exactly would you suggest as a solution to all the problems I’ve discussed? Not only that, before you had her I don’t understand why you couldn’t find some time to come to DK and see me and Mom. You were both making money and weren’t as tied down by job situations and financial problems as us 3. You said at least 2 times that you would come by during summer and both times cancelled. You even, as I understand, went to Germany and were unable to find time to come here. Correct me if I’m wrong, please. Help me understand that because it made us feel like we were a low priority when you couldn’t scoot by Denmark for 2-3 days.
“Your comment about (DH) is also beyond the pale and totally ridiculous. Until (DH) proposed to you, he was of absolutely no interest to me. He was just a boyfriend at that point. In the brief time that has elapsed since your engagement, we have not had an opportunity to visit Denmark and you have made several false starts at visiting us. Recall that I thought I was going to meet (DH) last Fall…it was you who changed that.”
This comment is not only extremely ridiculous and very unflattering of your personality, it’s also very insulting. I needed a few hours to calm down because it enraged me. (DH) convinced me to calm down before writing you back because otherwise this email would have a very different tone. Nice to say a thing like that to your future brother-in-law! Imagine if I had said the same of (his wife's name) while you were dating: “I don’t care to meet (his wife's name) because she means nothing and is of absolutely no interest to me until you’re engaged to her.” You would have hit the roof, called me rude and selfish and disowned me instantly! I met (his wife's name) before you were engaged, she meant/means something to you and therefore she meant enough to me that I wanted to meet her and get to know her, despite her lack of an engagement ring. It’s only natural to want to meet a sibling’s boy- or girlfriend, it’s also polite especially if they’ve been dating the person for at least 2 years. (DH) has all these 5 years been a person who has loved and supported me through everything. He has been one of the very few I can always count on and he is the man I love, passionately. To talk about him in this fashion is therefore a huge insult to me. You’ve had these past 5 years to come, even mentioning meeting me and him e.g. for lunch. Was that just bullshit and you had no intention of meeting him? Here you have gone way too far and should really apologize for saying it since you’ve taken my mail to a whole other level than was intended.
As you can see, (DH)’s job makes it hard to make definite plans and was why I was forced to constantly reschedule. No reason to say more here.
“I am shocked and dismayed that after all of this, you would dare to question my devotion or my priorities. Grow up, get over yourself and attempt to think about the flip side for once. Please do not expect us to come to the wedding until you see the light and apologize to Ann and me for your sarcastic and totally inappropriate email. I expect your apology forthwith; in fact I will accept nothing less.”
I’m shocked that you question the enormous hurdles Mom, (DH) and I have encountered in our attempts to try and find money, time and opportunity to make a trip and see you and your daughter. I’ve gotten over myself a long time ago, maybe you should be careful of who you say things like that to because it may come back!
I’m sorry that I even mentioned all this and that you’ve misunderstood my intentions. I’m sorry that you don’t seem to understand the problems that have been encountered and that have been serious enough to get in the way of a trip to the usa . I’m sorry you think it’s sarcastic an inappropriate because I don’t see the sarcastic in saying I’m sad you couldn’t meet (DH) before the wedding, something any person would be sad about, try putting yourself in my shoes. I’m sorry to hear the man I love most in this world was of no interest to you until our engagement, that’s very sad to know because he’s an amazing person that you’ve been missing out on.
This is the best apology I can do due to the hostile and defensive tone you’ve taken to a rather harmless email.
I cannot imagine how that must feel for you.... I know it has to be painful to hear about pregnancies especially when you have been trying for so long and these pregnancies may not have been planned, expected, or even wanted. I know that I felt the same way.. I started TTC last year and the first month in I thought I could be pregnant and I was so excited, but I wasnt and not three months later I found out my coworker was pregnant and would have become pregnant the same month I thought I was. I dont think you should loose hope. As hard as it is, you cannot be a good mother unless you take care of your self and are in good health. I think it is good you are taking care of yourself now rather than having years go down the road without knowing until it was too late. 
. Anyway, I couldnt read and run from your comment dede. I really hope you find something positive to think about while you are waiting for your positive.
Then over the weekend my mom, my MIL, DH and I all went shopping to Carter's outlet for little girl baby clothes. It was so much fun. Everyone was very excited for (another) little girl.
don't feel so bad now about not keeping track... 
Good luck to you!
for you soon. Good luck to you! 
It's always exciting to see. I'm just hoping my "Golden Egg" is there this time
But he sees my point and says he'll keep it to a minimum. I'm sure someone will ask him why he's not drinking more (typical Danish
But if it's a special, prime quality, "Golden Egg" type follie then it's alright with me
that sucks. I would have hoped he would be understanding but I guess he picked up that from your mother and let the riches go to his head. Argh. Sounds like a toxic relationship. I would have been happy to skype or find other means of connecting if I couldn't see my niece or nephew during the first year of their life but they don't remember much during that time anyways so technically you do enjoy them more when they get to about 3 and older. Not that the first three years isn't less important than the rest of their life, just they do a lot of growing and developing skills during that time. Maybe I better shut up. Haha. I don't even know what I am saying.
