Okay, so I hear you and mom had another falling out.
She tells me she told you that she was sick and instead of offering to come over and help her, you asked "What about my dress?"
I gather your version is that she just says things to upset you.
Frankly, the truth of the matter is that she is your mother and sometimes you just have to put up with the craziness and try to be a good daughter to her, keeping in mind her age and that she isn't going to be around for ever.
I realize that you are preparing for a wedding, but you need to put some time aside every week to visit her, help her out, go shopping for or with her etc. If I were there, that is what I would do (despite my other obligations), and that is what I expect you to do. If you do this, there will be less drama coming out of (my mother's adresse) - she feels ignored and unappreciated and is lashing out.
For all her drama and the crazy things she says sometimes, she is still your mother, loves you and does a lot of things for you. fexs, as you read this you probably have her car parked outside your apartment. That is a huge favor to you and I'm not so sure you always appreciate that fact.
I don't want to scold you and I apologize ahead of time if you think that is what I am doing. But these are the facts: You are almost Thirty years old and have to begin looking beyond yourself at the bigger picture - life isn't all about buying CDs, eatting out, buying clothing and going to concerts. Family must always take precedence over material things.
This situation is not all your fault, there is enough blame to go around, but perhaps you need to swallow some pride and stop being so sensitive, so we can move beyond this drama and all look forward to your wedding. I have already gotten on Mom's case about making that foolish comment about not coming to your wedding - ignore it and don't feed into the drama. But make more of an effort to show her that you care about her too, and not just your wedding and things that are important to you.
That's my two-cents.
Hope things are going smoothly in preparation. We will be flying in two days before the wedding and probably staying for three weeks. Looking forward to meeting (my DH) and giving a very embarrassing speech about you at the Reception!
Mom is, frankly, not telling the whole truth. (My DH) and I do visit and buy her food, once a week. When we show up, we stay for 4-5 hours 90% of the time.
The conversation went something like this. She called asking me what I was doing. I said that I was writing adresses on the envelopes and signing invitations. She says (for the 100th time) that we should cancel the wedding because of the financial crisis, this time mentioning people are being fired from (DH’s company). She has said this numerous times, asking us if the reception place still is in business, telling us people can't afford gifts ect ect. I politely asked her to quite it, I don't feel like hearing it and feel that it takes away from the joy I should be feeling when preparing for my wedding. She starts sounding angry and discusses her sickness. I, stupidly, thought maybe if she isn't feeling well that my mother-in-law could work on the dress in the meantime. Not too smart, maybe, but she totally flew off the handle and hanged up. (My DH) witnessed this conversation and heard what she said. He then leaves to buy some breakfast while I continue to work on the invitations. She then calls me back 5 minutes later and tells me she will finish the dress but won't come to my wedding. She goes on, despite me trying to calm her down, that she won't come to the wedding, she disowns me and hopes that (My DH) and I "have a horrible life together". This pissed me off and I hung up on her. She's hung up on me 100 times before during other fights so I was faster this time. I frankly felt she crossed the line in this nasty comment.
She doesn't allow me to set a line, I'm not allowed to tell her to stop if I feel she's gone over the line. She's told me before, numerous times, that I just should shut up and take her crap, she's entitled to say nasty things to me, even when unprovoked! I'm 30 and refuse to do so, I'm in my full right to let her know enough is enough.
Mom, in my opinion, is not very stable mentally, she's almost as bad as (my mother’s sister) and gets worse and worse. No matter how much she receives help, it's never enough. I don't mind coming out to her with (My DH) 1 a week to buy food ect ect but I simply don't have the time to go out more than 1 a week. I'm taking a job course, if I don't come I will lose my unemployment checks and I first am free 2 PM. No excuses are accepted. Then I need some time to write job applications, finding a job is also a job in case people forget that! I have to use the time I would otherwise be using having a job, looking for a job.
No she got her car back many days ago and frankly we won't be needing her car anymore because (My DH)'s mother is giving us her old lemon for free.
I'm frankly amazed at how quick you are to defend her side, not having heard what I have to say on the matter. Especially since you've had your own problems with her, a major one being the whole drama around her fight with you about (his wife). It would have been mature of you to reserve judgement in light of this until you had heard both versions. (My cousin) has been more understanding but she knows what I'm going through, her mom is also crazy.
So don't lecture me. You have no idea what really goes on since you don't live here. Mom is good at playing the victim and making people feel sorry for her. She should have been an actress. I wish people would defend me once in a while instead of constantly taking her side, no questions asked. Maybe people should start asking questions instead of making me feel like a lying, egotistical b****, which is absolutely not the case. But that suites Mom so no one tells her to quit her s*** and behave. She obviously has full licence to treat me how she wishes and expects me to help her constantly anyway.
So open your eyes!
As usual, you take out of my comments what suits you and ignore the rest.
In my email I wrote that I understand that Mom can be unreasonable and difficult. This however does not give you free license to play the aggrived party either.
As I said, there is plenty of blame to go around - so you can stop feeling sorry for yourself because I never said it was all your fault. As you pointed out, I've had my run-ins with her as well, so I know how volatile she can be. I also realize that you are unable to see your actions clearly - and how anyone, not just Mom, might interpret your attitude.
Your "poor-me" attitude, along with that of Mom, simply shows that neither of you is adult enough to realize how you contribute to this drama - and why these dramas continue to occur.
The two of you have a negative co-dependent relationship which is very unhealthy.
You are welcome to get angry with me for pointing out the negative dynamic that exists between you and Mom, but this does not alter the facts.
I am glad that you are getting a car of your own for free - how fortunate. This will of course reduce your dependency on Mom and give her less to complain about. I suspect, it will also give you less reason to visit her - which may, in the end, be a good thing as your relationship seems to be mutually destructive.
As to choosing sides, I'll let you judge if I have done so or not. Both you and Mom seem to find it impossible to admit any fault in any of the situations that you find yourselves in - I find this very sad. As to checking with you first, I find your arguments just as laughable as I find Mom's - it would serve no purpose to "check with" you first - in my previous experience, I've found both of your "facts" equally twisted and laden with emotional baggage.
However, I am beginning to realize that what I think about this situation is largely irrelevant, because the two of you have not, and probably never will, address the problems in your relationship - but will continue to complain to others about the predictable consequences of your actions. So I will end this exercise in futility by encouraging you to do what you believe is best and hope that you make a wiser choice than has hitherto been the case.
I don't get were you get we're co-dependant. What a silly and totally unfounded idea. I have my own life, my own money albeit not very much and am definitely not dependant on Mom in any financial way or other. The car she kept saying we should borrow, also so we could buy her food and come by. I can perfectly well get by without her car. I don't know were you get that from. I just want a friendly relationship with her.
I have tried talking to her about any fights we've had in the past but she just gets very angry, she refuses to talk things out. I don't see what I can do about that, I can't force her to talk it out. I try to be an adult but it's useless when Mom acts like a child and just refuses to discuss it, it's all my fault according to her. She has suggested that everything that goes and has gone wrong in her life is my fault.
As I said, it may not have been to bright a comment when I mentioned the dress. I've admitted it, but feel that she overreacted. The whole wedding thing combined with my other problems has made me stressed, I wasn't thinking straight. I don't see her comments as being any more productive, actually she talks to me in a much worse manner than I've ever talked to her. You don't find any of what she said to me as being vindictive or totally out of order? Don't I have any right to let her know when she's crossed the line? Don't you see anything sick and wrong in saying I should just accept all the nasty things she says and keep my mouth shut, that she has a right to say what she wants without concern for my feelings or consequences? What about the whole constant "cancel the wedding because of the crisis" thing? Wishing me a "horrible life"? Very maternal of her. I don't care what you say, I don't feel as I've been so terrible that her comments are acceptable.
It's never enough, I could be out there every 2nd day and she'd complain i don't come everyday to help her. She'll always find fault with me to warrent her reactions and nasty comments.
I don't feel as you fully understand the problem because you are a man and she, like (my mother’s sister), treats her sons differently. Try talking to (my cousin) about how it is with her mother, the problems they have/had, maybe she can better explain the dynamics than I can. I'm sure there is some reason why they act the way they do, probably having to do with (my mother’s mother).
I feel that I'm an honest person, to suggest I lie or somehow twist things is rather insulting. As to complaining to everyone, I haven't discussed it with other than (my DH) (which is rather natural) and in this case with (my cousin) whom asked me if I had talked to Mom. It's Mom who blabs to you, my mother-in-law and anyone else she can, so she can get approval for her actions. I was perfectly willing to leave everyone else out of this since it doesn't concern anyone and I don't see how mixing EVERYONE into it makes the situation any better or will better result in a patching up.
So I don't know what you want me to do about it, I've tried and gave up years ago because it is useless. Mom insists in continuing this evil circle which seems to never end. Her and (my mother’s sister) aren't so different.
But now she got all the drama she wanted and now we're arguing.
I of course didn't answer that
He's baited me before and I've tried telling him as factually as possible why he's wrong but it doesn't help so I think I'll just drop it. But even when I try to drop it he just tells me I'm childish and can't stand to hear a differing opinion. I seem to have issue sometimes just letting him talk to me that way. But I'll have to ignore him totally in the future. My hope for having a good relationship is over after that old email, a couple of more recent ones and his most recent baiting on FB.
Only recently have I been thinking my brother might very well have it as well. It never occured to me until some of what he's been writing to me in emails hit me as sounding like someone with NPD now that I look in retrospect. I was dealing with my mother's NPD so wasn't thinking about my siblings until now. My sister I don't know well enough though to know if she has it or not. Her saving grace may have been she was raised by her father and stepmother so she might not have it. But she definitely seems to be on my brother's side in all this but he has the advantage in that they live in the same country and close to each other (him in Maryland, her in New York).
As you can see, I couldn't even end that debate politely without him getting personal and nasty about it
for each egg (since I had 2) but this time there's all 30 million for that one egg so perhaps those are better odds and there's a better chance the egg is better quality than when I was making 2. 
) and my mother(NPD case), although interested to a certain degree (when she's in a "good mood" that is), is definitely not the right person to talk to other than giving her a monthly update and keeping it very short (that is if I don't want to hear how super fertile she was
Maybe you're just lucky that you haven't really had any symptoms? I think some don't experience anything until they're in their 2nd trimester. Really hoping this is it for you
