Anyone TTC #1 and 30 or older?

[ireadyermind]

Thanks for the welcome! DH and I took a break for a little while, but it's good to be back.


I know the women in the family all have varying OCD issues (thank goodness I didn't inherit it), but I'm not sure what else. My father abused drugs for as long as I can remember, and didn't stop until just recently. He's nearly 60 and for my whole life, everything that happened to him was OUR fault.

It's entirely likely he has NPD. In his world view, any consequences from his own actions were always someone else's fault. Nothing he ever did was wrong, even breaking the law. The blame was always placed on someone else. His parents probably had a hand in that too, though. They couldn't believe any of THEIR children could ever do anything wrong -- except when the mentally stable one moved away as soon as she possibly could and never looked back. lol. Kinda what I had to do.

Now I only see my dad on holidays where he makes the time to drive up to visit. He lives a good 5hrs away, so there's no chance of accidentally bumping into him around town, thank goodness.

I know it's hard, but I'm glad to hear you're cutting that negativity off! That sort of stress while pregnant couldn't possibly be good. I hope you get your BFP & sticky bean really soon!

 

[KatO79]

Thanks for the welcome! DH and I took a break for a little while, but it's good to be back.


I know the women in the family all have varying OCD issues (thank goodness I didn't inherit it), but I'm not sure what else. My father abused drugs for as long as I can remember, and didn't stop until just recently. He's nearly 60 and for my whole life, everything that happened to him was OUR fault.

It's entirely likely he has NPD. In his world view, any consequences from his own actions were always someone else's fault. Nothing he ever did was wrong, even breaking the law. The blame was always placed on someone else. His parents probably had a hand in that too, though. They couldn't believe any of THEIR children could ever do anything wrong -- except when the mentally stable one moved away as soon as she possibly could and never looked back. lol. Kinda what I had to do.

Now I only see my dad on holidays where he makes the time to drive up to visit. He lives a good 5hrs away, so there's no chance of accidentally bumping into him around town, thank goodness.

I know it's hard, but I'm glad to hear you're cutting that negativity off! That sort of stress while pregnant couldn't possibly be good. I hope you get your BFP & sticky bean really soon!

Hope you had a good break

Yep, your dad could very well have NPD, in fact it seems highly likely, and it sounds like he was the "Golden Child" (they very often become narcissists themselves) while his sister was the "Scapegoat" (usually the most mentally healthy; my role in my family).

It's probably best to keep his visits to holidays as I seriously doubt he's changed as narcissistis never change. They are always right in their minds so are almost impossible to treat unless they're on the very low end of the scale. So sorry to hear you also have a NPD parent, I know how much it stinks

Yep, it hasn't been very good for me but now that I'm aware my brother also has NPD and my sister also most likely has it, it's easier for me to justify going low contact and accept the fact I'll never have a real sibling relationship with them and they'll continue to only see me as bad and vilify me to justify their behavior towards me (plus never be there for me when I need support). I've already fully accepted the fact I never had a mother and never will (she's entirely uncapable), now I'm working on fully accepting the same for my siblings but I'm almost there.

I hope you also soon get your BFP

 

[KatO79]

So it's bad news guys, I'm cramping and starting to bleed red so it's AF So will be doing IUI #6 but thinking IUI is most likely not going to work and we'll need IVF. So frustrating we can't start until October

To make things even more fun, I was checking my cousins's FB yesterday out as it was her birthday yesterday and wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday despite the fact she doesn't seem to show any interest in having much contact with me or my hubby unless it's to bitch about how my NPD mom has treated her hubby like crap 2-3 years ago. So I got to seeing the birthday wishes NPD brother, his enabler wife and NPD? sister sent her compared to what they sent on my birthday:

NPD brother to cousin: Happy Birthday cousin!

NPD brother to me: Happy Birthday KatO79

Ok not much difference, but it's coming:

Enabler wife to cousin: Happy Birthday cousin! We miss and love you! Xoxo

Enabler wife to me: Happy Birthday!! Thinking about you!

NPD? sister to cousin: Wishing you a very Happy and Healthy Birthday cousin! Love you! (sent pic of roses)

NPD? sister to me: Happy Birthday KatO79 (my name tagged) (sent pic of birthday presents)

So they're generally showing more love for our cousin because A) she's financially been better able to travel to the US every 1-2 years to visit them all (her husband got a huge compensation after a work-related injury left him unable to work at all) plus go on expensive trips with my NPD brother (e.g. when we told him we stayed at a Motel 6 last time we visited in 2010, he gave this look of horror and basically said he wouldn't eb caught dead in one) and B) she refuses to see how dysfunctional our family is and I'm highly suspect my NPD brother has been bad-mouthing me to her and everyone else.

Sorry about this, I wrote all this on Reddit RBN (raisedbynarcissists) but no one responded and the thread is now too far down the list and it won't get any responses

 

[ireadyermind]

So it's bad news guys, I'm cramping and starting to bleed red so it's AF So will be doing IUI #6 but thinking IUI is most likely not going to work and we'll need IVF. So frustrating we can't start until October

To make things even more fun, I was checking my cousins's FB yesterday out as it was her birthday yesterday and wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday despite the fact she doesn't seem to show any interest in having much contact with me or my hubby unless it's to bitch about how my NPD mom has treated her hubby like crap 2-3 years ago. So I got to seeing the birthday wishes NPD brother, his enabler wife and NPD? sister sent her compared to what they sent on my birthday:

NPD brother to cousin: Happy Birthday cousin!

NPD brother to me: Happy Birthday KatO79

Ok not much difference, but it's coming:

Enabler wife to cousin: Happy Birthday cousin! We miss and love you! Xoxo

Enabler wife to me: Happy Birthday!! Thinking about you!

NPD? sister to cousin: Wishing you a very Happy and Healthy Birthday cousin! Love you! (sent pic of roses)

NPD? sister to me: Happy Birthday KatO79 (my name tagged) (sent pic of birthday presents)

So they're generally showing more love for our cousin because A) she's financially been better able to travel to the US every 1-2 years to visit them all (her husband got a huge compensation after a work-related injury left him unable to work at all) plus go on expensive trips with my NPD brother (e.g. when we told him we stayed at a Motel 6 last time we visited in 2010, he gave this look of horror and basically said he wouldn't eb caught dead in one) and B) she refuses to see how dysfunctional our family is and I'm highly suspect my NPD brother has been bad-mouthing me to her and everyone else.

Sorry about this, I wrote all this on Reddit RBN (raisedbynarcissists) but no one responded and the thread is now too far down the list and it won't get any responses

I hate that feeling!

I know exactly what it's like, but for different reasons. My mother, sisters and most of Mom's family all live in the same town, but DH and I live a couple hours away because he can find better work here. He's a Software Developer, and you can't really find work in that field if you're living in a backwater town "out in the sticks".

Because of that, I get treated like the black sheep and get those sort of obligatory birthday greetings and not much else. I know they love me in their own ways, but wouldn't it be nice if people showed me the same level of love and concern that I show them? >.>


Do you live in another town? Are these cousins the people that they have more contact with than they do with you? Do the cousins go along with their NPD drama-fests the way they want? It's hard, but I'd say don't take it too personally, especially if they've gone out of their way to make you miserable in the past. They'll likely just keep on making you miserable.

 

[KatO79]

I hate that feeling!

I know exactly what it's like, but for different reasons. My mother, sisters and most of Mom's family all live in the same town, but DH and I live a couple hours away because he can find better work here. He's a Software Developer, and you can't really find work in that field if you're living in a backwater town "out in the sticks".

Because of that, I get treated like the black sheep and get those sort of obligatory birthday greetings and not much else. I know they love me in their own ways, but wouldn't it be nice if people showed me the same level of love and concern that I show them? >.>


Do you live in another town? Are these cousins the people that they have more contact with than they do with you? Do the cousins go along with their NPD drama-fests the way they want? It's hard, but I'd say don't take it too personally, especially if they've gone out of their way to make you miserable in the past. They'll likely just keep on making you miserable.

I live in Denmark and so does the cousin while NPD brother, his wife and NPD? sister live in the US in practically neighboring states. My siblings have a lot more contact with my cousin because she has more money due to her husband getting that huge settlement so they're better able to fly to the US every 1-2 years. She does have a job but it's easier for her to take time off than it was for my DH (he's a Chemical Engineer).

I think the thing is also I'm the scapegoat of the family and since our NPD mother trained the sons they were good and I the daughter am bad, that's how NPD brother sees it (NPD? sister grew up with her father and the woman he married after NPD mom so she hasn't grown up with this sick dynamic nor been villianized like I have been by NPD mom). I'd more say my cousin (the scapegaot among her siblings) is more "agreeable" and refuses to see her mother (my NPD mom's sister) also has NPD and wants to be friends with everyone. According to NPD mom (which I now take with caution), cousin married a controlling man and she can't even use her paycheck on anything for herself.

It's just hard to see them all getting along and pushing me out of their little group I could really use feeling like part of a loving Family unit since NPD mom was far more abusive towards me (verbally and emotionally) than she was to her sons. But nope, they all get this happy family unit that I can't be a part of because I refuse to agree with NPD Brother on call him out on his BS.

So sorry you're going through something similar and thanks so much for the support It's horrible that they'd black sheep you for that

 

[ireadyermind]

It's just hard to see them all getting along and pushing me out of their little group I could really use feeling like part of a loving Family unit since NPD mom was far more abusive towards me (verbally and emotionally) than she was to her sons. But nope, they all get this happy family unit that I can't be a part of because I refuse to agree with NPD Brother on call him out on his BS.

So sorry you're going through something similar and thanks so much for the support It's horrible that they'd black sheep you for that

It's probably a good thing you're not a part of the NPD group, but being left out from your family royally sucks. You may have friends and your spouse for support, but getting love from your family is a little different.

I know I'm personally glad I'm not swept up in all the drama that follows my sisters around like their own shadows, but at the same time I wish I had that little community they have. And I'd love to be close to my mom the way my sisters are. >.>

I hope things get better for you. I have to say it was one of the most liberating things I could've done for myself, when I cut off contact with my dad and his dysfunction.

 

[partlysunny]

Hey ladies!

I am 30, husband is 33, and this is our 3rd cycle TTC #1.

TTC is hard for everyone, but being at this stage in my life, I feel an added pressure. I have zero regrets waiting this long to TTC. I am in a much better place emotionally and financially than I was in my 20s, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

However, I can't ignore that nagging fear in the back of my head that the clock is ticking. I'm hoping for a short or even average journey to motherhood!

Turned 30 in February and this is our first cycle TTC. Best wishes to you!

 

[KatO79]

It's just hard to see them all getting along and pushing me out of their little group I could really use feeling like part of a loving Family unit since NPD mom was far more abusive towards me (verbally and emotionally) than she was to her sons. But nope, they all get this happy family unit that I can't be a part of because I refuse to agree with NPD Brother on call him out on his BS.

So sorry you're going through something similar and thanks so much for the support It's horrible that they'd black sheep you for that

It's probably a good thing you're not a part of the NPD group, but being left out from your family royally sucks. You may have friends and your spouse for support, but getting love from your family is a little different.

I know I'm personally glad I'm not swept up in all the drama that follows my sisters around like their own shadows, but at the same time I wish I had that little community they have. And I'd love to be close to my mom the way my sisters are. >.>

I hope things get better for you. I have to say it was one of the most liberating things I could've done for myself, when I cut off contact with my dad and his dysfunction.

Yeah and all because I refuse to cave into NPD bro's every wim. He's had it extra out for me because DH and I weren't able to come to his daughter's Christening about 7 years ago due to finances and DH's job required he was travelling a lot at the time. But nope, he held me responsible for his wife's family harrassing him about it plus that we didn't have the opportunity/means to fly over there within the first year of her life and his subsequent embarrassement

I get what you mean, I'm dealing with those same feelings. Although none of my siblings are in contact with NPD mom and I'm going to go no contact the next time she creates unnecessary drama and treats me like dirt. As to fathers we all have different ones and I think it's only the eldest sibling (another NPD case that I'm not in contact with) that is in contact with his while NPD? sister's is dead and mine died in 1999 The NPD bro I have contact with was the result of an affair and he's had no interest in contacting or meeting his father.

I'm going to try and just not look at their FB profiles and in the future email any birthday wishes. That way, I avoid seeing this perfect family image they're putting up and can better distance myself further. I even noticed that the eldest NPD brother put up some "best sister in the World" type of thing on NPD? sister's timeline Good thing I've unfollowed everyone, I now also avoid NPD? sister's constant pics of her kids

 

[ireadyermind]

Yeah and all because I refuse to cave into NPD bro's every wim. He's had it extra out for me because DH and I weren't able to come to his daughter's Christening about 7 years ago due to finances and DH's job required he was travelling a lot at the time. But nope, he held me responsible for his wife's family harrassing him about it plus that we didn't have the opportunity/means to fly over there within the first year of her life and his subsequent embarrassement

I get what you mean, I'm dealing with those same feelings. Although none of my siblings are in contact with NPD mom and I'm going to go no contact the next time she creates unnecessary drama and treats me like dirt. As to fathers we all have different ones and I think it's only the eldest sibling (another NPD case that I'm not in contact with) that is in contact with his while NPD? sister's is dead and mine died in 1999 The NPD bro I have contact with was the result of an affair and he's had no interest in contacting or meeting his father.

I'm going to try and just not look at their FB profiles and in the future email any birthday wishes. That way, I avoid seeing this perfect family image they're putting up and can better distance myself further. I even noticed that the eldest NPD brother put up some "best sister in the World" type of thing on NPD? sister's timeline Good thing I've unfollowed everyone, I now also avoid NPD? sister's constant pics of her kids

That's a good start. If you don't have to look at their drama every day, you'll be less stressed out over it. Out of sight, out of mind, so to speak.

 

[dede3124]

In need of advice....my signature shows the gist of my story. This has been an interesting cycle. I am currently dpo 16, longest luteal phase has been 14, however temps are consistently going down and have some slight spotting, with 3 bpn, so I am thinking I am out this month. We consulted an re and we know that if we use assisted methods he recommends medicated cycles with a trigger shot to start; that process is started as soon as I call and say I want it. There are many thoughts in my head though and dh is pretty much leaving the decision with me so I am seeking opinions. My thoughts are a bit random but its what they are.

* I am pervasively haunted with the fear that we will never be successful.
* This process is definitely taking an emotional toll on me.
* After treatment for polyps and endometritis we have only had 2 true attempts.
* Polyps seem to have come back already, but they are small and re said they may be no concern.
* I am now 34 and feel that time is running.
* I am a teacher so fertility treatments could be difficult during the school year, I am currently on summer break....if we start sooner we could have more attempts before the school year started.
* Cycles since surgery have changed becoming more painful and heavy....concerned that something else may happening but hope not.

What has affected your choices to pursue assisted methods or not to? What are your thoughts?

 

[RayinNY]

Dede-
I'm not in a position to give you advice, as I am just starting the process with Clomid and trigger shots this month, but I just wanted to let you know that as a fellow teacher, I totally understand how you feel and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I wish that I was a few months ahead because if I needed more intensive fertility treatments, the summer would be the time to do it so that I wouldn't have to miss a ton of work this year... it's hard to not have a regular 9-5 schedule where you can leave for a 2 hour lunch and make up your work later or take a day off to work from home. Baby dust and good luck

 

[dede3124]

Ray - what made you decide to go with assisted methods?

 

[RayinNY]

My mini background:
I was married in July (where did a year go) ,went off BCP in September, and started TTC late November. My periods were irregular, but normal irregular for going off of BCP from Sept-Jan (between 35-42 days). Then in January, I got one in 24 days and then not another one for 60 days. From January on, it never showed up and I had enough. I was moody, my boobs starting hurting so much that I couldn't wear a bra, my skin went BANANAS, and I lost a bunch of weight for no reason- I just felt incredibly off and couldn't explain it (and wasn't pregnant). I also used OPK sticks for twice a day for months and NOTHING except for the day before my super early visitor in January (which doesn't make sense). Even the periods that I had in January and 60 days later were light, short, and odd. When I went to my Ob-gyn, she sent me to an RE with suspected PCOs. When I went to the RE, got the whole battery of tests, including my husband's SA, and everything came back normal (hormone levels, thyroid, etc.) , except for the mysteriously missing period, disasterous skin (and I'd always had great skin) and cysts on my ovaries when she did the US. She decided that since we had been TTC-ing for more than 6 months and I was reaching almost a year off BC, it was time to be a little more proactive and she gave me the Provera, Clomid, trigger shot regimen. The worst part was trying to figure out what was wrong and waiting to find out a solution- even if this doesn't work (fx that it does- I just had a pregnancy/baby dream last night that was SUCH A tease), there's something empowering about at least feeling like I'm doing something productive and proactive. What are you thinking about doing? Anyway- Hope that's helpful

 

[dede3124]

Thanks! I am debating between trying for one more month by ourselves, we previously decided on getting assistance in July, or just go to assistance this month.

 

[RayinNY]

From my perspective, the assistance made me feel like you are doing something proactively and like I could put my trust in the doctors rather than worrying that I was going to miss my O or our timing would be off. That to me was stress inducing, which I'm sure hurt the process. If it were, I'd definitely get assistance sooner than later, but it's definitely a personal and individual decision- if you can enjoy the ttc without feeling the pressure or stress, then they are both good choices for you

 

[dede3124]

I think I am leaning toward assistance at the moment....I definitely do feel stressed

 

[KatO79]

We had an appointment with the clinic yesterday for cyst check (no cysts) so we're on for IUI #6 Same dose as the last 3 times: 75 IU.

We then had to swing by my narcissist mother. When we got home, I made the mistake of checking Reddit RBN for a certain member's answer and it ended up her taking huge offense to the fact that very small children aren't invited to weddings in this country and she got into victim blaming, flaming and not assuming a context of abuse in what I wrote (BIG no no's on Reddit RBN) so I had a bad anxiety attack over her answer and couldn't function for the rest of the night I reported her to Reddit so hopefully she's been reprimanded, maybe even banned as she really went to far and was insulting and character assasinating me and totally not seeing how abusive my narcissist brother was being even though everyone else could see it. I'm feeling better now though and will just avoid that website for a while and will definitely not be starting any threads for a long time. So hope people don't mind me venting here about my NPD family once in a while I just can't stand being invalidated like that again, especially not when I'm doing IUI #6

 

[deafgal01]

Understandable. Vent away! We love you here!

 

[KatO79]

Understandable. Vent away! We love you here!

Thank you so much deafgal It seems as if a mod has deleted her comments and asked us to not respond to each other anymore so here's hoping she stops. She was reprimanded for a couple of her comments but not banned. But she got incredibly personal and the mod went after her for especially saying that I "come across as increasingly whiny and entitled" in both my emails to my brother and on the forum I have no idea where she was getting this from and it left DH totally confused as well since he knows full well what happened between me and my brother during the exchange. Plus she was gaslighting me and telling me that NPD Brother wasn't writing Things that you could clearly read he was which also set my anxiety attack off last night.

I'm thinking she took offense to the fact that DH and I didn't invite the very small children (NPD brother's daughter was 1½ years old at the time) and she was taking sides with NPD brother since she said that if her kids weren't invited, she wouldn't come and I shouldn't expect people to come to my wedding from another country, especially when their kids aren't invited and it made me sound entitled yada yada yada DH also thinks that this was the issue. That I told her it's normal for Danish weddings (especially since only 2 couples had such small kids) and we had no way of entertaining them at the place we had our reception and we were paying for NPD brother's babysitter plus that my brother could've just said he couldn't make it was totally ignored.

Uggghh! I don't think I'll ever start a thread in that forum again as I can't stand people invalidating me, my family does that enough already

 

[ireadyermind]

I had a no-children policy at my wedding, too! Knowing how the in-laws ignore their children at parties, and how my own siblings ignore theirs, I was NOT going to have to babysit all their kids while trying to enjoy MY wedding! Not only that, but the place we had ours was in an old Miner's Foundry, and it had all kinds of antiques on display in various rooms. I could just picture them pulling things off of walls, climbing the displays, banging on the piano keys... Ugh. No way.

Not to mention the fact that most of the adults were drinking all night, myself included. That's just not a kid friendly atmosphere!

Surprisingly, though, one of my cousins called to tell me how thrilled she was that I wasn't allowing kids at my wedding. She said she and her husband rarely got a chance to go out on dates alone and that the idea of spending a weekend out of town for my wedding was AMAZING and she was totally looking forward to it.

So stick to your guns! It was YOUR wedding, not anyone else's!