April/May IVF buddies?!?

[Plex]

omg JViti - Im so SO sorry huni I had a chemical after my Jan ivf and its awful No words can really help at the moment, im thinking of you xxx

 

[JViti]

thanks, im so broken right now...like i keep wondering if i did something wrong.

at least i know i can get pregnant...now i just have to fight to keep it

i go back in on sunday for another beta to see....higher means im just moving slow

lower means chemical

 

[JViti]

waiting for the phone call...i got a follow up beta done this morning....

i hate waiting for the phone calls...

This is the worst waiting game ever...I am waiting to be told if my baby survived or not...It may just still be a bundle of cells, but im in love already with that little bundle...

 

[wantjust1more]

wow so much as gone on. JViti- I don't want to even say "sorry" yet because I still have hope for you. Number are all proof!

I'm nervous and excited for you at the same time. When should you expect the call do you know?

 

[JViti]

Its official, its gone. My levels are going down. They are now at 18.

This is the most devastating thing I have ever gone through.

What the hell did I do to deserve this??

So I am in the process of miscarrying...I've been told to stop my meds, go in for blood work every week until my level is at 0...in the meantime i have to wait for the bleed...

I have cried so much and so hard that my entire face is swollen. I have never cried this hard in my life. I cried so hard that my lip is swollen to twice its normal size. That has NEVER happened before.

I am so broken...I cant think, I cant breathe, I just dont even know how to feel.

I mean, I know I shouldnt have gotten my hopes up, but seeing that bfp was everything to me. I was my nursery picked out, I bought a scrapbook to start keeping track of everything, I started picking out maternity clothes....I got over excited...but it was my first BFP since I started TTC 4 years ago.

 

[Plex]

Its official, its gone. My levels are going down. They are now at 18.

This is the most devastating thing I have ever gone through.

What the hell did I do to deserve this??

So I am in the process of miscarrying...I've been told to stop my meds, go in for blood work every week until my level is at 0...in the meantime i have to wait for the bleed...

I have cried so much and so hard that my entire face is swollen. I have never cried this hard in my life. I cried so hard that my lip is swollen to twice its normal size. That has NEVER happened before.

I am so broken...I cant think, I cant breathe, I just dont even know how to feel.

I mean, I know I shouldnt have gotten my hopes up, but seeing that bfp was everything to me. I was my nursery picked out, I bought a scrapbook to start keeping track of everything, I started picking out maternity clothes....I got over excited...but it was my first BFP since I started TTC 4 years ago.

Im so very sorry huni xxxxx

 

[JViti]

hey ladies, just checking in with you all. so yesterday was AWFUL! I have never cried so much so hard in my life. I was so broken. After I texted immediate family letting them know, i wouldnt stop getting calls. I ignored them all bcuz i wasnt ready to talk about it. Im still not really ready to talk about it, but whatever. I decided that I needed to get out of the house, so I went to my sons soccer game. Of course, while I was sitting and watching the game, a couple with a newborn baby sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Like, go away, for real. Then my MIL decided to come over with my nephew and my AIL and have a backyard BBQ...yeah I so wasnt having it. I got into a fight with hubby on the way home frm the game, telling him i wasnt in the mood for company. He told me i need to stop moping and whatever. I told him that tihs was the most devastating day of my life. He scoffed it off. I told him..."How can u not expect me to be devastated, i just lost a baby...maybe 2!!!" and he says to me...and it will take some time to forgive him for this.... "it wasnt a baby, it was a group of cells!!!" then proceeded to tell me that if i was gunna mope all day, to go in our room and mope cuz i am over-reacting.... it doesnt matter that it was technically a group of cells..it was still my baby(babies), and i loved them so much! I have a folder on my computer titled Baby #2 and i have pics of the test and the embryos in it. It was the start of my scrapbook that I was going to make. And now its gone. Its just a folder of what could have been. I mean, how am I supposed to just resume life like nothing happened?? Just because it was a chemical...it doesnt mean that it wasnt real. It was a real pregnancy. It just means that I miscarried before ultrasound could detect anything. ITS STILL A LOSS. And i cant seem to get that through to hubby. I mean, he wasnt really involved in the process much. I did the shots....i went to the docs every other day for blood work and ultrasound...i had the symptoms...i did the egg retrieval BY MYSELF (he had finals...understandble)...I did the transfer by myself...i saw them go into my body...i got the picture....i felt them implanting in my lining...i bought the test....i took the test....i was the first one to see the positive...and i was the one who lost them...when people ask what happened, its "JENN had a miscarriage....JENN lost the baby" The blame automatically gets placed on me. I put it on myself. I am the reason we are infertile. He is perfect, if he wanted to go and have a baby with some random chick, he could. I cant. I will never be able to have a baby without medical intervention. This is all my fault. Then, I finally get pregnant, and then my body kills it. I know that when its an early loss, it usually means there was a chromosomal abnormality. My baby wouldnt have been healthy, his/her whole life would have been suffering, and I wouldnt want that for my baby. But it still hurts like hell that just because there is no ultrasound proof, that it means i wasnt pregnant....cuz thats not true. I was pregnant...i was told that i was pregnant...but that it most likely wouldnt stick. I never knew pain until yesterday. I possibly had a miscarriage when I was 17, but it was never confirmed. I was too scared to take a test, I was 3 weeks late, then I had the period FROM HELL. I was passing clots, big clots, (TMI sorry) and it was just awful...so painful...RE says it definitely sounds like miscariage, but no way to confirm now. So this could be 2 miscarriages that I have had. Like, wtf is wrong with me? I am just so broken. Today is definitely better than yesterday, because i have had time to think about it, and my AIL talked with me about it, let me cry it out, talk in whatever ridiculous way i wanted, reassured me, and rubbed my back while i cried on my bed. so that helped...it would just help a lil more if i didnt feel so alone in this. I know u ladies are there for me, but sometimes you just need for someone to be physically there to hold you while you cry and hurt. and that should be my hubby....but since hes a dumb guy who hides his feelings...its just me, myself, and I.

 

[Plex]

He obviously doesnt know that everything hes saying is hurtful to you Its an awful enough situation to be in - u need all the support you can get How u doing today? xxx

 

[JViti]

He obviously doesnt know that everything hes saying is hurtful to you Its an awful enough situation to be in - u need all the support you can get How u doing today? xxx

I am still broken up. My husband works overnight, so he is sleeping during the day so I am all alone. Then when hes awake, hes just so tired that he doesnt have time to comfort me. Then my son gets home from school and we cant talk about it in front of him.

I just cant get over how excited I was, only to have it be ripped from my arms.

I have never been so devastated in my entire life. And of course everything i see on TV is about someone being pregnant. Why me???

Its just not fair...I wanna no why God would do this to me. I am not a religious person, but I basically lost my faith when my grandmother died (I was 11 and prayed like hell for her recovery, but she died).

I swear I must have been like, Hitler in a past life...and now Karma is coming to get me. I just feel like ive been stabbed in the heart.

 

[Plex]

Its heartbreaking that something that should be so easy for us is so damn difficult - it makes it 100000 times worse when all around us there seems to be pregnant women or newborns. Its not that im unhappy for them, no, im just angry and upset that that isnt me in their position - it all just seems so unfair. I cant say it gets easier as there are always those reminders out there Im here though when you need to rant hun you dont deserve all this heartbreak xxx

 

[Plex]

How are you lovely ladies getting on - been thinking of u all xxx

 

[YearningHeart]

I'm well plex, how are you? How's things going for you?

 

[JViti]

hey plex. things are going ok. my miscarriage is official. Possibility it was twins, my levels went back up, but now are down to 6. Hoping it hurries up so i can try again.

My cousin suffered a loss 5 years ago and she has bene helping me through there where the rest of the family...well...hasnt. She has a loss at 11 weeks, and named her baby. She told me to name mine, get a memory box going and use it almost like a funeral/send off to Heaven. It would be my way of saying goodbye, so I did it. I had a feeling...call it mothers intuition...when I got the pic of the embryos that they were boys. And I would call them Luke and Landon. So that is what I named them. Luke Michael and Landon Joseph. Since I officially named them, I havent cried at all, ive been sad, but i feel like i gave my babies a proper goodbye and they are safe in the arms of Jesus. (I am nt religious, but for some reason, this makes me feel better...thinking that Jesus, my nana, my grandfather, and my grandfather in law are taking care of them for me since I cant)

Luke Michael
Landon Joseph

Mommy loves you!!!

At least they are together in Heaven with my loved ones, so they are not alone.

 

[Plex]

I'm well plex, how are you? How's things going for you?

Impatient to start!! Im on the northisterone now till a week on saturday then its just waiting for af to make an appearance - all waiting

Whats next for you? xx

 

[Plex]

JViti - Thats beautiful What a wonderful way to help grieve for your loss - I have a file, i keep everything, with all my losses in - all the paperwork and notes id made, the hope the excitement. I look at them every now and again. Its good that you have someone close to you to help you during this time, and i personally think that idea is amazing! I wish idve thought of that I also love those names for your lil angels - where do you keep your box of memories/treasures now? xx

 

[YearningHeart]

JViti - Awww that's a nice way to see it. Always look at the positive to keep you going, I know this journey is tough but all this pain it makes us stronger than we ever thought. You are lucky to have a beautiful boy, many have none.
Stay stron and have faith, I hope something comes up for you and all your dreams come true.. All this pain and wait will be worth it, after my failed IVF I felt so sad words can not explain, I have been TTC for years and years, now I have passed that stage and realised it made me a strong person. Xxxx

Plex - hi, how are you? Oh I remember those pills! I was on them too for AF to come since my AF would never show up naturally! Lol
So what's the next stage after your AF? Will you be starting injections? It's an exciting phase, keep us updated.. I hope it all works out. Xx
(I was hesistant to update but I hope it doesn't make anyone sad but rather have hope that goodness can come and happiness can come.. It just sometimes takes longer for some than others, I did my my IVF and I got a BFP so I'm just waiting around waiting for my scan in 3 weeks)

Don't lose hope ladies. Iv had my years of struggle and endless tears, now I look back and think it was worth it, it's still early stage for me but there is nothing I can do but have hope. Xxx

 

[JViti]

Hey ladies! I keep the box, for now, right next to my bed, and I kiss the picture of my boys goodnight everynight and tell them I love them.

My HCG is back to 0, so my pregnancy/miscarriage is over. I go back to see my RE on Friday for a discussion on our next cycle. I'm excited to get started again! I believe Luke and Landon will help their brother(s)/sister(s) stick!

I am hoping and praying for the best!!!! I am ready to begin again!!!

 

[Plex]

Yearning - I go in for my baseline scan on the 27th so that'll be either day 1,2 or 3 of my cycle then ill be jumping straight onto stimms if alls ok

OMG - congratulations huni!!! exciting! It doesnt make me sad - it awesome to hear of a success gives us hope!! - i hope all goes well with the scan xx

JViti - Its good that the waiting os over as far as your levels returning to zero is concerned How did you get on on friday when you saw ur RE? Whats your next plan of action? Im excited for you to get started again - i believe that your lil angels will do all they can to help with a sticky pregnancy!! xx

 

[JViti]

Yearning- YAY!!! Excited for you!!!! Let us know how the scan goes!!

Plex- I start my BCP tonight. When we get the approval from my insurance company for the meds, I will start those. We are doing a different protocol this time. I will be on Follistim again, probably 150 units. Also 30 of hcg instead of 20. I will be using Granilirex(sp?) instead of lupron. For the trigger, depending n my eggs I will be using either Ovidrel or Lupron. It will be decided that day. He was not happy with my first cycle. I have PCOS and my doc is a PCOS specialist. He said over the course of his career, he has seen 20,000 PCOS patients...and I'm one of the most complicated cases he has seen...my insulin resistance is major and my ovaries are moody. They will only respond to the "perfect" dosage....unfortunately the only way to figure out the perfect dosage is trial and error. Too much will over stimulate and make them go crazy...too little will piss them off and they will refuse to work. The biggest problem is that the difference could be as big as 100 units...or as little as 5 units. So on my last cycle, 225 was too much...75 was too little....100 was too little....125 was too little...but i responded well to 150....so were gunna start with that and hope for the best. He believes that my miscarriage was an embryo problem, not an environment problem. Out of the 2, one was good, one was fair. If he had more to choose from, those would probably not have been the ones he chose, but it was all I had and they still had a chance of taking...which they did, but just didnt stick completely. But he said that my last cycle was a good learning experience and that usually the first cycle is just a learning experience unfortunately. But we know so much more going into this cycle, i will be monitored more closely and we know what my body likes and doesnt like. He is confident that we will get a sticky. But I am definitely going to have to see a High Risk OB and a fetal specialist. I am very high risk for miscarriage, gestational diabetes, and pre-eclampsia. Which means high risk for low birth weight, high birth weight, late miscarriage, stillborn, and preterm labor....lovely.

Keeping my FX for all of us!!! Praying for a sticky for Yearning, and praying for BFP for me and Plex....with stickies!!!!

 

[Plex]

Wow - that a LOT of info hun bet ur feeling taking it all in! lol SO pleased that youre starting again - we could be cycle buddies!!!!!
Hopefully starting on 150 will be ideal for you hun, its crappy that its all trial and error isnt it?

Looking at your risks in pregnancy, they will be similar to mine too although i have the added blessing of blood clots we obviously dont do things by halves

Mind you being high risk means extra scans- which i dont mind lol xxx