Could use a buddy

[SleepyOwl]

I missed you all! Sorry to hear about the bad news weekend At least we have each other???

Sashimi: I know the weekend had to be difficult, but you seem like you were really able to pick yourself up afterwards and that's great to here. Excited to hear how your new job is going. Hoping it's great!

Lauren: You'll see those double lines again - just a matter of when, right? When it happens (fx for sooner), it will be perfect!!

Country: Any good news??

Unfortunately, I don't really have any good news to add. AF is due today but doesn't usually show til the evening. Had pink EWCM last night and every time I've been to the bathroom today plus AF cramps. I get this every month before she arrives. Plus BFN this morning. Pretty good indicators I'm out for the month. Cried for a bit yesterday when the pink CM showed and because of my OH's family hammering me with baby questions. Over it now though and feeling only slightly emotional - blaming it on PMS.

One month closer to our BFPs right ladies?

 

[lauren26]

Well, ladies! Sounds like we're all in for another round together--good news during a time of bad news! And I assume we'll all be on similar timelines again, right? I really appreciate that you guys are keeping up the hope right now that we'll see our BFPs--I can't quite muster it yet. I probably need to cry it out a little--I didn't want to upset OH last night so I put on a happy face. Anyway, thanks for being so great! I feel like I can always count on this thread for support.

I saw my nieces, nephew, and other in-laws yesterday. My SIL had texted me a couple of weeks again saying, 'I had a dream that you told me you were pregnant. I bet that's a reality for you soon.' It was sweet and well intentioned--I think this is an area where she knows how to bond (kids)--but also difficult since she got pg with all three of her kids on the first try. When I saw her yesterday she was really sweet and wanted to ask me all about TTC, and then loaned me her 'fertility god' statue. Again, it was a nice gesture, but it did make me feel like an idiot--like I have to resort to archaic superstition because it's so hard for me to get pg. And before we left, in front of all our family, she was like, 'Don't forget the fertility god!' I think I really have a lot of embarrassment around not being pg. A few weeks ago I briefly lit upon the subject with my MIL--how it's taking us so long and it took my SIL and her OH no time at all--and she told me that since OH and I are spiritually inclined and self-investigative that the answer as to why we're not pg 'won't be as easy' for us. I was like, great, so I have to pay for my good intentions by not being pregnant? Lol. And there's some deep spiritual reason I'm not but I have no idea what it is? Oh my. It can really be exhausting. I feel like I've tried every trick in the book--PreSeed, Mucinex, dozens of vitamins, acupuncture, exercise, fertility diet, prayer, visioning, laying down for 30 min after BD, BD every day, BD every other day, OH taking vitamins...I honestly don't know what else I can try! It seems so unfair that the women I know IRL who are my age have gotten pregnant in the absolute unhealthiest states. And on accident. And repeatedly. I think this is why my OH wants us to NTNP this month--so that we will both be more relaxed. I really, honestly, don't know if it's possible for me to let go that much. I feel like I have to chart and have to do OPKs. Hmmm. I think that my OH is going to be mostly unavailable during my fertile window, so I may have to relax about it and try to give up a little control!

 

[SleepyOwl]

It definitely is exhausting. Umm I would have been so embarrassed if someone shouted at me about a fertility god in front of a bunch of family or people. Like gee thanks for totally putting my business out there. Of course I'm sure she had the best intentions because I'm sure she knows how it feels to want to be pregnant, just on the execution that stuff comes out wrong. I know how you feel when you say you feel embarrassed. I feel so embarrassed and I know I shouldn't, but I really do My MIL is always telling me, OH, and her sister that she just doesn't understand why God isn't giving her a grandchild and she just prays for it everyday. Then she'll look at me and be like I just don't know why, I just don't know why. I hate it. Worst feeling and it makes me resent her so much.

Hopefully the NTNP this month will do the trick. That's what OH wants to do as well, so basically I'm keeping my mouth shut and doing the all out thing myself and just keeping him in the dark so he thinks we are NTNP. I just don't feel like I can afford time wise to do that this month. I feel like my eggs are getting old!!

 

[lauren26]

Sleepy, LOL. I am SURE that your eggs are not OLD. That said, I think I might try your plan, too--secretly trying but convincing OH I'm NTNP.

Your MIL sounds awful! I'm sorry to say that--but wow! I dont' see how you couldn't resent her. I absolutely adore my MIL. My actual mother is a different story...I love her but can't talk to her about these things. Anyway, even though my MIL is amazing she still says things that seem insensitive about TTC--I can't imagine having a rude MIL say them to me! I'm sorry. I'm glad your OH understood that she crossed the line, though, as you said in your TTC journal. I bet it helps to know he's behind you.

I think the embarrassment is natural, but it feels rotten. I think it makes me feel like I'm not feminine, or not nurturing or something. Anyway. I know it's silly, too. But it's difficult. TTC is like any other goal in life that you try to achieve and expect to achieve--except that you really, in the end, cannot MAKE it happen like you can some other things. I think that's where my embarrassment comes in--just admitting to myself and the world that I can't control the situation and that I feel like I'm failing. I know I can't look at it like that but it feels that way sometimes.

Anyway. Your eggs are NOT old. But I understand not wanting to waste time.

 

[SleepyOwl]

Lauren, that's exactly what it is. The embarrassment comes from a feeling of failure. Hopefully we can overcome those feelings, keep a positive attitude and just keep up the BD'ing!

Dude, my MIL is a kook. I am always biting my tongue around her - she's a bit older and I think part of it is cultural. So I know that's part of it, but STILL. Ridic.

Thanks for not thinking my eggs are old They will be 30 this year, you know, lol. One of those suckers needs to get fertilized this year!

 

[haribo813]

Oh my god, I am totally the same as you - aged 30 and it's been 8 months for us too. I'd love to be buddies. Everyone else is the same with me too-how you need to relax and almost stop trying and then it'll happen...but i can't take my mind off it! I am seeing an acupuncturist for the first time on Wed and have bought a fertility monitor but it arrived too late to use this cycle If you have any tips on things to do to take your mind off it-lemme know! Will keep fingers crossed for you xxx

 

[lauren26]

Sleepy, I know, I know, I SO know how you feel, and I'm not 30 yet!! STILL. I have plenty of friends who conceived healthy, beautiful babies at 36, 37, 38, even 41. None of us want to wait another 5-10 years, but if we HAD to.....it could still happen!

It's generous and helpful to recognize the cultural stuff. No one tries to be a jerk, but you know. I'm glad you can separate her crazy from your reality!! When if your bday?

The feeling of failure is really tough. Hopefully it's teaching me some great life lesson, lol.

Haribo - Welcome!!! Yay new buddy! The thing that helped me start to relax a bit was charting (temping, using OPK, checking CM). That part was to give me concrete evidence that my body is normal and my cycle is healthy. Now that I've done that, the charting can sometimes feel oppressive and stressful. It's really personal, but I think for me, since I'm such a rigid rule-follower sometimes, the key will be in letting myself do things I'm not supposed to--I really do want to try and not time sex this month, and will let myself have a glass of wine when I want, etc. Also, I have been trying to keep my feelings from OH and the other day I just broke down. He had no idea I'd been holding so much, and asked that we spend time at 11am each day (he has a very strange work schedule!) to talk about TTC and parenting and just connect. We've only done that a few days so far but I feel a MILLION times better. The other thing I decided to start doing this morning is to really watch my thoughts around TTC--every time I think those thoughts like, 'This will never happen, I don't deserve this, I'll never see those beautiful pink lines together,' etc, I will just say 'STOP!' to those thoughts. I've done this with other things and it's helped immensely. It sounds a little woo-woo or new-agey, I know, but it has helped me many times.

Keep us posted!

 

[countrygirl86]

Hope everyone had a good Easter!

Sashimi: Bummer about the BFN, it's gotta be tough to take but it will only make you stronger and when that BFP comes, it'll be that much sweeter. Hope you are having a good first day at the new job!

Lauren: NTNP might be a needed break. At the same time, if you feel like you should be charting, that might not be a bad idea to keep up on just for yourself to know where you are! Do you have regular cycles? That fertility god thing would have totally mortified me too, nice gesture but bad/terrible timing.

Sleepy: Aren't emotions lovely? Mine are starting to come in like a roller coaster too. I also share the crazy MIL with you. I can't take mine too seriously though, she has a strange way of expressing herself (not to mention she's going through menopause pretty hard right now). Hopefully NTNP will work for you too.

Haribo: Welcome! This is a great thread, the ladies are so caring and supportive

AFM, still no official AF, some very light spotting yesterday and today but nothing else. I'm at CD40 which is the longest I've gone since the first one when I came off the pill! I also have a cold sore starting on my lip which always makes me feel crappy. Today or tomorrow is when FF thinks AF will start so if nothing by Wednesday I guess I'll test again? I'm thinking she'll come pretty full force soon though. Oh the joys of TTC!

 

[haribo813]

Wow, what a great group of ladies! I have just read ALL your threads (21 pages!) and it took me the whole time since I posted (plus I fit in a bowl of pasta courtesy of OH before running away like a hermit back to my Mac!)

Sorry you've all had a bad couple of days - it's horrid when AF comes and you feel the crushing disappointment-I am a bit ahead (or behind?!) you as am on CD 8 and all I can think is how I feel a million times better now than this time last week and i'm sure it's true for all of us-AF throws your hormones around and you feel so resentful to have a monthly reminder of fact you're not pg.

So much on here rings true for me-my sis has a gorgeous 6 month old who I adore but sometimes find hard to be around, my SIL is pregnant by accident, all of my OH's cousins are pregnant and 2 of my best friends are pregnant and due the same week (1 in her 1st month of trying)...plus I have an inquisitive MIL. Surrounded by babies and feel so inadequate a lot of the time.

I came off the pill in August after being on it for about 10 years, and am about to see a doctor this week to see if anything's wrong and start acupuncture-Sashimi your story has been so helpful-to know the tests available and how useful acupuncture was for you....and I can imagine your relief that you are now doing things differently, fingers crossed for you. I am sure I have a problem with EWCM as it's pretty scant. Having said that I had implantation bleeding 3 months ago and then nothing appeared, was devastated at time but trying to cling on to hope-it's a good sign it happened at all i suppose.

I haven't charted so far but am about to start-I have found Toni Weschler's book really useful too and was cross i didn't know more sooner, plus 1 of my well-meaning pregnant friends lent me the baby making bible book so will give that a whirl too-that prescribes certain foods at certain times of the cycle depending on your type-it's a mix of western and chinese medicine-we shall see. Am also thinking of taking up a project of some sort-painting or something to try and take my mind off it. Book also suggests positive affirmations and meditation-feel like a loon but have started doing both plus love yoga these days.

Wishing early 2013 babies for all of us - 13 has always been lucky in our family and hoping it will be for all of us

xxx

 

[lauren26]

Country - Wow!! That's such good news--I'm hoping your BFN is coming That is a late period by any standard, I think.

Haribo - I am impressed!! That's a lot of pages I'm glad it helped to read what we've got on here so far and that you've joined us. You certainly have a lot of reminders around you--that sounds super tough. I don't see my friends' and family members' children all that often, so I don't have as constant of a reminder. Still, they ALL talk about being pg, having kids, etc. when I do see them.

I am with you--the hormonal rollercoaster is ROUGH. All of my good intentions about staying calm and hopeful are OUT the window the morning AF comes!! I feel like I at least know now that I will feel totally gutted for a day or two around AF starting and that this feeling will be followed by a hopeful one, lol. Also, I am SO into the positive affirmations and meditation. I really just started doing that this month. I probably mentioned this a few posts ago (or every single time I post ) that even though I'm almost 100% sure I had a legit chemical two cycles ago, I have this really deep belief that I just can't and won't be pregnant. A few mornings ago I did an FRER and as the dye was soaking across the test strip it turned the test line pink for a solid 10-15 seconds and then disappeared. This is normal, I think, but I noticed myself have a moment of total joy that was immediately followed by this intense disbelief. That could be because I understood somewhere that tests sometimes do that while they are 'developing', lol, but I also noticed that I just cannot even imagine actually getting that solid + hpt. Anyway! I think the meditation helps a lot--if only to adjust my mindset to a more positive, hopeful one.

Wow, I can't stop today Sashimi, I hope you're having a great day at your new job!!

 

[SleepyOwl]

Welcome Haribo!! Glad to have you join us on our little adventure I'm with you on 13 being lucky - this is going to be our year for babies ladies!!

Lauren: I turn 30 in Sept! Praying to the good Lord I have a bump by then! I'm with you on the positive thinking and affirmations. I haven't done this yet, but am going to really make an effort this month along with my new yoga and meditation plan. I really think I have been so negative about the process and so pessimistic about it. I'm determined to be different this cycle.

 

[lxb]

Can I join you girls too?

Unlike haribo... I didn't read all the pages! I only read the first 3 and the last 3!
Seems like there are a group of lovely ladies here with similar age too!

 

[SleepyOwl]

LXB - You slacker - not reading all the pages! Juuust kidding. The more the merrier - makes it a lot easier to make it through each day/cycle when we have each other. Also makes me feel alot less crazy when I know there are so many lovely ladies on here that can relate.

 

[lxb]

Yep.. I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one that goes google crazy during tww! and still google crazy before that.

I've been googling what could help with conceiving! haha.. and put all the items on my grocery list!

 

[lauren26]

Hey lxb! Welcome I am a super Googler, too!! I tend to get contradictory info, but sometimes I hit the mark! How long have you been TTC?

 

[lxb]

This cycle will be cycle #7~

Been so envy whenever I see people with BFP news... I have some friends complaining about how sick they are from being preggo. And in my head.. I was thinking... "I want to be sick too!!"

I have a friend (who knew DH & I are TTC) asked me.. "I thought you wanted a 2012 baby? Are you guys trying?"
Funny question. . . . it's not like I can have a baby the moment I want a baby. :-\

 

[SleepyOwl]

LXB: It's so crazy to me when people ask things like that. They must really not understand that we have barely any control over the process.

 

[lauren26]

It's amazing that some people don't realize what a MIRACLE it is that people get pregnant at all!! That's one positive aspect of not getting pg right away--that I have realized that it's truly a scientific and spiritual miracle. It's magic! Truly incredible. Anyway. I guess people who get pg instantly can't relate--I can't say I wouldn't want that problem

 

[SleepyOwl]

Totally agree Lauren. I never really understood how amazing the whole process was until I started TTC. It truly is a miracle!

 

[lauren26]

Makes me want to just keep trying!! Ahhhh!!!!!! How am I going to NTNP this month?? The things I commit to to try and stay sane and keep OH content...