Could use a buddy

[SashimiMimi]

TTC buddies, I can’t even begin to tell you what a joy it was to log on tonight and see so many posts—especially from some new ladies! Welcome Haribo and lxb… it’s great to meet some new ladies who are in the same boat. As you probably read in my earlier posts, I’m also 30 and have been TTC for 9 months. (Haribo, I’m completely touched that you took the time to read ALL of the posts here! When I first put the call out for a buddy, I would have been happy with one person responding. I’m thrilled that we are now past 200 threads on this buddy post!)

Well, I hope you don’t mind a long post from my end, but I think I am going to write a novel here. Let me start off by saying that first day on the new job was great. I’m feeling absolutely fantastic today and I think working with this company is actually going to be a good distraction. Initially, I was worried about going back to work as my plan after quitting my old job was to stay home, de-stress and start a family… obviously that hasn’t happened yet, but I guess that’s why they say life doesn’t always happen like you plan it.

It’s been a particularly emotional weekend on my end. Today is the one year anniversary of my MIL passing away from cancer. She was such an amazing, vivacious woman, and it’s so hard to believe that she is gone. If we had succeeded the first time we TTCed, our baby would have been due this month. I really wished that we would have had a BFP by now as we reached this 1 year anniversary mark, but I guess that just isn’t meant to be. I’m sad she won’t be around for when we do FINALLY have our baby, because she was such an amazing grandmother to OH’s nephews. Plus it’s been such a tough year for OH, his dad and his siblings, I want more than anything to share some BFP news with them.

On Friday we had those friends over I mentioned in an earlier post. (I had worried they would grill us about our TTC progress.) Well, it took all of 5 minutes for the wife to ask me why I was drinking water and “Did I have anything I wanted to tell them.” Steam nearly started to come out of my ears, but then I thought to myself what do I have to hide? This is my path and maybe if they knew we were seeing a fertility specialist they wouldn’t be so quick to assume that drinking water=BFP!!! I know their intentions are not to be rude and since they didn’t take long to conceive (even though wife is 39), they probably just assume we haven’t “relaxed or had fun” yet. So we told them the story and they were surprised that we didn’t wait the magical 1 year milestone of TTC before seeing a doctor and the wife didn’t understand why I was so stressed because she said I’m so young and have so much time. I guess she is right, even though I feel the clock is ticking. If I were closer to her age and not seeing my BFP after all this time, maybe then I could feel legitimate pressure.
Saturday as you know, I got the official confirmation of the BFN after IUI #1. My heart broke even though I was expecting it. Lauren, like you I just haven’t been able to picture myself pregnant so far. When I was younger, I was very intimidated by the thought of childbirth, even though now I think it is truly a miraculous experience. I feel like I’ve had to work extra hard to achieve success in my life, so I suppose TTC is just one more thing that I’m going to have to work extra hard at!!

One thing I haven’t mentioned on this board yet, and this thing has been a bit of a struggle for me as of late, is the fact that when OH was in his early 20s (many, many years before we met) his GF at the time missed a pill and got a BFP. She terminated the pregnancy for whatever reason, but the fact my OH got someone else PG by accident is kills me just a little. I think the world of my OH, he is an amazing husband and obviously we wouldn’t be together if he had a kid, it’s been difficult to come to terms with this. This tidbit of info never really bothered me before this weekend, it was part of his past and I would have been in my teens when it actually happened. (OH is 7 years older than I am.) I got really emotional and told OH that the Universe is punishing us because of this! I know it’s not true, I just needed someone or something to blame.

I think I hit my ultimate low this past weekend during my entire TTC phase. But when you go down, the only way to go is back up. In a way, I feel stronger after this first failed IUI and I think this is the best I have felt in a long time. I’m sure I’ll have my low moments again, probably even during this coming cycle, but my BFP is just going to happen in its own time. I think each and every one of us is doing everything we can, so what more can we do? I guess this is why the so-called “best” advice everyone wants to give us is “relax and have fun.”

I say it in every post, but I’m so glad we are all here to support each other. It really helped me get through this weekend and since we all started chatting I haven’t felt so alone. We are all in this together!!! I’m spotting a bit tonight, so I’m sure AF will show up tomorrow. Again sorry for the SUPER LONG post, and I thank anyone who took the time to read all of this! I needed the vent! Xoxo

 

[SleepyOwl]

Sashimi, your post brought tears to my eyes! I can only imagine how emotional this past weekend must have been for you, but it's amazing the attitude that you have right now about all of it. You have picked yourself up from a low and very vulnerable place and are one step closer to your BFP. It sounds like you handled yourself perfectly with your friend. I'm hoping she lays off now. While it's true that you would probably feel more pressure if you were closer to her age, doesn't take away the fact that you feel the pressure now and want your BFP. It's such a personal and different experience for each person, I don't think she really has the right to tell you that you shouldn't feel how you feel. You can't really help that because those are your emotions, even if it is the more "logical" way.

Really, really hoping that your BFP comes soon, especially in light of the anniversary of your MIL passing away. My grandmother, who we were very close to, passed away in February and I wish more than anything I could have been pregnant and had that joy to share in such a sad time. It's so hard, but you're right, we just have to keep at it, stay positive and in the time, our BFP's will come.

On a lighter note, soo glad your first day went well! What a great distraction for you. That is so great and I'm happy you've found such a great company!!

 

[lauren26]

Sashimi! You are such an example of strength for us!! Thank you for your honest words--I think that one of the most important and helpful things during the TTC process has been knowing that I can't keep my emotions and stories about it stuffed inside--that only breeds shame and isolation. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

I had the exact same thing when I was younger--the thought of childbirth was horrifying. I wanted a child without the labor. Now it's a requirement for me to go through pregnancy and labor before I can be a mom--I know that makes sense to you all! My OH doesn't understand, but it feels so. important. I also, like you, have always felt that I have to work my tail off and that my achievements and success are an expectation--that excellence and perfection are the real goal--so my 'failure' with TTC has felt excruciating some months. I know it's a lesson for me. It's a rough one. And I have had to admit over and over and over that I can't 'win' at this game. I can't be the first one or best one pregnant. It's ridiculous, but it sounds like you've got some similar patterns!

The other point that I really appreciate you bringing up is that your OH got someone else pregnant. I was just considering brining up my own piece around this. In college, my OH was with a woman who I was always envious of (even now sometimes when I run into her). He got her pregnant when they were just 'fooling around'---pull & pray, I imagine. She also terminated the pregnancy. She didn't want to marry him and wasn't ready for children. While I am glad to know that he has been able to get someone pregnant at some point, I'm incredibly envious that she was able to experience this sacred and magical union with MY HUSBAND that I haven't been able to experience. It's very difficult. I think in moments of humiliation around TTC I have thought of her subconsciously.

Anyway, thank you again for being so open. This is a really deeply affecting process. I SO SO appreciate this forum and you all

I'm really happy that you're enjoying your new job!! I hope it offers you joy and relaxation. Your post helped me KNOW that we will get our BFPs

 

[countrygirl86]

I'm glad your new job is great Sashimi! It's definitely positive to have something to take our minds off TTC, I know I find myself thinking about approximately all the time. My DH cut me off at breakfast one morning a couple of weeks ago to tell me I needed to think about something else. So I signed up for a zumba class! It's hilarious for anyone who hasn't tried it.

lauren and sashimi, it would be tough to know they have been able to conceive before but the time will come for your own little miracles and that will become insignificant. It almost seems those 'accidents' are common, my cousin and SIL got pg while on the pill and using protection (so they say, I guess). My cousin aborted hers (sad time in her life) but my SIL is 25 and has an 8 year old. There's always something they can do to help you if you have fertility problems, it's just a matter of time. Sashimi you are in the best place now, receiving help. The BFN must have been hard to take, I think the stats are good within 3 cycles of IUI?

I understand what you mean wanting a baby FOR the family, my DHs grandmother is still with us and I'd think it would be so special for her to meet a great grandchild.

I'm still waiting on AF! This is getting a little/a lot ridiculous. I don't feel pg and I only have twinges where I feel like AF is coming. Normally I can tell a day or so beforehand she's coming but it only seems to come in waves. I'm still playing it by ear but I'm hoping she shows soon so we can get onto next cycle, I'm getting way behind you guys!

 

[SleepyOwl]

Countrygirl, I hope those twinges are good signs. Keep us posted!

 

[lauren26]

Country--wow! She is late! You were due before all of us, I think, right? Have you tested? I'm excited for you!! I hope it's a really good sign

You're right--when our babies come I won't care that OH got the other girl pg. And it really did comfort me when we started trying to know that he had gotten someone else pg before--though it was a long time ago, so he's still getting an SA done.

I really felt the need to take my mind off of TTC, too. That's why I mentioned NTNP to OH. Of course I'll still let him know when I'm getting fertile CM and we'll BD accordingly, but no temping, and maybe on the OPKs....

Speaking of this ladies: tell me honestly, am I CRAZY to be NTNP this month?? I really do feel like it will help OH and I let go and surrender to the process a bit, but another part of me feels like I can't waste any time, and don't want to potentially miss our window this month if we're not timing BD just right. What do you all think?

 

[lxb]

Great news about your new job sashimi. And yes, the only direction from now on is up. And I'm wishing you the best and all the lovely ladies here. We will all get our miracles This is definitely a place to vent. and we all love to listen (or read in this case! )

countrygirl, perhaps no sign is a good sign!

lauren, sometimes taking some time off is a good thing. put u & ur OH first before anything else. enjoy each other. maybe BD everyday or every other day to cover all 'bases'?

 

[SleepyOwl]

Country--wow! She is late! You were due before all of us, I think, right? Have you tested? I'm excited for you!! I hope it's a really good sign

You're right--when our babies come I won't care that OH got the other girl pg. And it really did comfort me when we started trying to know that he had gotten someone else pg before--though it was a long time ago, so he's still getting an SA done.

I really felt the need to take my mind off of TTC, too. That's why I mentioned NTNP to OH. Of course I'll still let him know when I'm getting fertile CM and we'll BD accordingly, but no temping, and maybe on the OPKs....

Speaking of this ladies: tell me honestly, am I CRAZY to be NTNP this month?? I really do feel like it will help OH and I let go and surrender to the process a bit, but another part of me feels like I can't waste any time, and don't want to potentially miss our window this month if we're not timing BD just right. What do you all think?

I definitely don't think you're crazy to NTNP this month. First if it's going to help OH that's definitely a good thing. And second SOO many women say they "give up" or "take a break" and get their BFP that month. If it helps the two of you relax and you're just having fun and enjoying each other, you're still going to have a good a shot at your BFP. I know what you mean though about feeling like your wasting time - just make sure to BD a couple times in your fertile window and I think you'll be fine!

 

[lxb]

It's amazing that some people don't realize what a MIRACLE it is that people get pregnant at all!! That's one positive aspect of not getting pg right away--that I have realized that it's truly a scientific and spiritual miracle. It's magic! Truly incredible. Anyway. I guess people who get pg instantly can't relate--I can't say I wouldn't want that problem

agree lauren. we won't be here if that's the case.

DH told me last night a coworker ask him every single day.. "any news yet?"
and said his coworker said him & his wife got pregnant right away. and his so-and-so got pregnant right away...

<== DH

some people are just insensitive

 

[countrygirl86]

I agree with Sleepy, you definitely aren't crazy to NTNP lauren! If you need to take this cycle a little differently, do it. It may be just what you need to make it all happen. If you decide after next cycle you feel better actively TTC you can resume temping and OPKs then. It's only one cycle and it sounds like your mental and emotional health will greatly benefit from it!

Yes I thought I was due for AF April 4 which would have put me 2 weeks past when I had 2 days of 'slippery spotting' but we didn't time BDing right for that anyway, then FF shows that I most likely O'd on Mar 27 but I didn't have any EWCM or anything, just that my temps went up after. I tested last Monday and Friday, and I think I'll test again Saturday morning if nothing for the rest of the week.

 

[haribo813]

Yes, fingers crossed Countrygirl, keep us posted. And I want to hear about Zumba! I have only heard good things...

Lauren I think Sleepyowl and the others are right, I'm sure some time away from temps and OPKs will do you the world of good. I think we all need to take a new approach now and again as TTC can be pretty hard work! My sis took her mind of it after months of pent up frustration, had sex once that month and voila, my niece was conceived.

Sashimi, brilliant news on your job and glad it's a welcome distraction. So sorry about your MIL but know how proud she'd be of you and your OH and am sure she's rooting for you both and your little family.

I am trying to take time to be a better sister, friend, wife, daughter etc this month and not be quite as self-obsessed as i have been recently. Maybe if I'm really positive I can turn this whole negative thing into a positive. But it's not easy when everyone seems to be getting pregnant and you feel like you are being punished (the other week i thought maybe we're not meant to be parents, maybe someone's telling us something?). I suppose that was ridiculous but if anything good can come out of this whole horrid process maybe it's that we'll come out of it more patient, stronger, better and grateful people (and mothers?!). Or am i being ridiculous again? (Quite possibly).

Now the evenings are getting a bit lighter and it's a bit warmer it's the perfect excuse to wear nicer, more BD friendly clothes

We've got into a boxset so planning a dins at home tonight, a little wine and hopefully one thing will lead to another.

Hope you all have good evenings xxx

 

[haribo813]

Also meant to say lxb, that work colleague sounds toxic. Who does that? So many smug, hurtful people out there. Today my work colleagues joked maybe i was pregnant (cos i have a dr's appointment on thu to try and get checked out) - it was so far from the truth i wanted to cry! xx

 

[lxb]

I suppose that was ridiculous but if anything good can come out of this whole horrid process maybe it's that we'll come out of it more patient, stronger, better and grateful people (and mothers?!). Or am i being ridiculous again? (Quite possibly).

couldn't have agreed more!

 

[Jaynie82]

Ladies!

This is my first post, been stalking for a couple of weeks but only just signed up last night.
Just started 3rd cycle and currently on CD9 and I think I ovulated CD10 last month so starting to look at CM the last few days! its only the last 2 months I feel like i am getting slightly obsessed.... every niggle/cramp start searching the internet and PMS and pregnancy are so similar..
Planning to try and stay calm and not think about it. Anyone in the same boat?? How can I stay sane!!!

 

[lxb]

:wave: Jaynie

Yes, we are ALL in the same boat! haha...
this forum... these lovely ladies helped me stay sane!! and also support from DH too.

 

[SleepyOwl]

Welcome Jaynie! Lxb is right - we are all in the same boat We're all happy to hear you obsess and hopefully try to help you stay calm hehe!

 

[lauren26]

I love this thread!! Thank you so much, ladies. You're right--my priorities are 1. my marriage, 2. children, 3. career. Thank you for the wonderful reminders. It will just be one cycle (unless I love NTNP!), and I do think it will take the edge off a little. It will give OH a break--I don't think he realized until recently that he really has feelings about TTC, too. Men. The things they discover much later... lol.

Haribo - I have SO often felt that we're not 'meant' to be parents since we didn't get pg right away--and it IS crazy!! I can relate and I can also say for all of us that it's just NOT true.

Having interacted with you all on this thread I know how wonderful you all must be IRL and I know that we will all be great mothers.

 

[lauren26]

Hi Jaynie! Welcome. We are def in the same boat, lol.

 

[SashimiMimi]

Thank you for all the kind words, ladies! It's nice to openly discuss these things and not be judged.

Lauren, I can't believe both our OH's had previous accidental PG experiences when they were younger. Hearing your story is really helping me come to terms with the whole topic. Aborition is such a sensitive issue and it's not something I can really vent to friends and family about if you know what I mean.

By the way, there have been quite a few months where we NTNP. You know your own body and can intuitively feel when you will O, so you don't need the OPKs and temping. I gave up the OPKs when my tap water was about to ovulate! You know the week when your window will likely be, so do what some of the other ladies recommend... Try every day that week or every other.

Sleepy, I didn't mean to bring tears to your eyes! But honestly my positive attitude has improved immensely since joining this board. I think it's so easy to get into a dark place with the frustration of TTC. It starts with little things like every single person from high school showing off their baby bumps on Facebook, endless status updates and pics of their kids, running into pregnant women and people with kids at the grocery store, etc. Then the whole feeling that it's never going to happen, undeserving, it can make your mind feel very toxic.

Then there are the ridculous comments such as the ones lxb mentioned like "But I thought you were having a 2012 baby." Or people ask "So are you trying for a boy or a girl..." As if we have control over the BFP let alone the gender!!! I was at the dentist recently and decided not to do xrays just in case, I'm sure it would have been fine but anyway I went back for another appointment a week later and the receptionist asked me if I had any news yet. I felt like saying that I hadn't even Oed since the last appointment. People have no idea sometimes. Is that why they say ignorance is bliss?

Haribo let us know how your acupuncture appointment goes tomorrow! I think you will enjoy it, but I'll be eager to hear what you think. And yes warm weather is great for BDish style clothing!!!

Country, sorry to hear that AF is being a pain. It's such a tease when it's late like that. And yes, knowing that a BFP would bring such joy to your loved ones (AND yourself) makes the BFNs all the more depressing. When I start thinking that way I just look at my niece and know she wouldn't be the same kid if she had been born right when SIL and my brother started TTC 3 years before she was born. She came when she was good and ready and it's so reflective of her personality now.

Welcome Jaynie!!!!! So glad you joined this thread! Good luck with this cycle.

Well, I'm on CD1. AF came right on schedule. I wish it had been a day or two late so I could have started cycle monitoring at the fertility clinic this Saturday, but I'll have to go before work on either Thursday or Friday of this week which means getting up at the crack of dawn. Whatever it takes right?

It's been a busy week, so I haven't had the chance to hunt down that Fertility book, but I wanted to know if anyone has heard of Walter Makichen or the Spirit Babies book/website. I found another post about it and checked it out. I am occasionally into new age-y psychic mystic stuff and this guy wrote a book on connecting with the spirit of the baby you are meant to have. Now it looks like the author actually died last year, which is kind of depressing but there are some inspirational podcasts on there you might want to check out. I don't take everything the author says literally, he has some hardcore fans that actually read books to the spirit of their unborn babies... But some of the podcasts deal with the topic of handling emotions and I found them very inspirational. It's kind of similar to the book The Secret which is really all about positive thinking and how thoughts affect our daily lives.

Have a great night everyone!

 

[SleepyOwl]

Is it weird that I feel like we're all BFFs? I told my OH to get off my computer because I had to talk to my friends aka post on this forum...lol!

Sashimi, I've never heard of either of those, but I did a little googling (obviously) and I think I will check those out, esp with my new positive outlook this cycle!

In light of AF showing today, OH texted me a quote saying that it was okay and we are failing our way to success...one month at a time. Made me laugh and it's so true. Failed the past 3 months, but eventually I will succeed. We all will!!