Could use a buddy

[lxb]

Hehehe... Because... This..might...be.. IT!! Dun dun dun.....!

 

[Pino6161]

I kinda feel like crying but I still have that feeling in my stomach

 

[lauren26]

You're not out yet! That chart looks amazing

 

[Pino6161]

To be honest me and OH were laying in bed. and while he was asleep he was rubbing my stomach. I NEVER like it when my tummy is touched as I am a bit overweight. Well then i started thinking about much temps.And i am so scared to go to sleep and they drop My tummy still has the same feeling they havehad all day. Almost like jittery. I can't really explain it.

 

[Pino6161]

A post from my journal

So it is 10:30PM here, and I can not sleep. My stomach has been rolling all day. It is hard to explain. It's jittery almost. I figured it was being anxious to take a test. So I did and It broke my heart, but the feeling didn't go away. I didn't even tell OH I took it. I know you are supposed to use first morning urine, but I couldn't wait So me and OHwere laying in bed after a long day, and he fell asleep. While he was asleep, snoring away he started to rub my stomach. It was really weird. FYI I hate it when my stomach is rubbed as I am a bit overweight . So I started to think about my temps etc. and I suddenly did NOT want to go to sleep. I am scared to wake up, take my temp and it dropping . I know it sounds incredably stupid and naive, but it's the way I feel. I feel like everyone around me is getting BFP's. I am extremely happy for everyone, and I am not even really jealous. I just feel like everyone will get them and I will be left in the dust . I am not really emotional. More nervous than everything. I kind of feel like I am out this month, but it doesn't feel right. IDK I can't explain it. Now I sound stupid

I am scared, anxious, scared, nervous, scared.

As dumb as it sounds, I am also scared to be pregnant. What if I am not a good mom, what if I miscarry again.

I have a lot of anxiety right now,and OH doesn't understand. I have been REALLY moody today. My sex drive is GONE. My OH for the last couple days has really been in a lovey dovey mood. He is NEVER like this. He wants to cuddle, and kiss, and touch even bfore I showed him my chart yesterday. It annoys me.Most days I am begging for this behavior But NOT this week. I really just want to be left alone. I feel bad.

I feel like there is genuinely something wrong with me.

 

[SashimiMimi]

I know Pino, it's a lonely, isolating road. I also feel like the whole world is getting BFPs but me. I found out tonight OH's best friend and his wife who were struggling with TTC got a BFP on their first IUI. They live out in Vancouver and were in town 3 weeks ago but didn't even call us because they said that they felt uncomfortable visiting us knowing that I still wasn't PG and the wife was. OH was very very hurt and very upset. We know about the struggle and some people have more luck than others with assisted conception. I'm also incredibly offended because it's official: I'm that poor LTTTC woman who is a sad case that everyone tiptoes around. That's me.

Second, we decided to see our friends this weekend that I wasn't sure about seeing. They know what we have been through and the wife said something to me when we confirmed plans like don't worry you can unwind with a few drinks at our place... I know in the past she has said its fine to drink until you get a confirmed BFP because most women don't even know they are PG. Well those women who get knocked up without knowing don't suffer from infertility!! What's more is we got a note from them asking if we would eat oysters tomorrow. Now I love oysters to death but hello??? They have two kids and anyone who had had kids knows you do not eat oysters when you are PG or in a TWW!!!!!! OH was a little annoyed about the wine and oyster menu and reminded them again we are still in our IVF TWW. Any other time wine and oysters would be divine!!!!

It's 2:20 and I can't sleep. I've been wandering around the house breaking down into major sobbing fits. I've had killer cramps on and off all evening and all my optimism is gone. This all feels like more than I can handle and I pray this infertility will end and we can finally have our baby. I see OH losing stregth too and he has been my rock. He seemed so sad and deflated and kept saying that we deserve this and shouldn't have to go through any more of this. It kills me because I know now that all of this has been because of me and my crap eggs.

 

[Pino6161]

That is VERY inconsiderate of them. I feel like that is rubbing it in more than seeing you guys!!! I am PISSED for him!!

It's frustrating as it seems people either tiptoe around us or don't monitor what they are saying!! When my brother had his baby, my mom said many things, but she doesn't know we are trying!.

I feel you on not being able to sleep. I know it is so easy to blame ourselves. I feel you there. This is the main reason I don't want to see another dr. I know it is ALL me. I have been having cramps as well. Our OH's are so strong, but they sometimes have to break down as well. It's hard to even think about, I know. I wish I had words of wisdom. I am upset for you. You DESERVE your BFP and I am praying that you get it. What day were you told to test. More like how long is your LP usually?

 

[SashimiMimi]

I'm going to get the official blood test on Tuesday. My LP is controlled by the progesterone injections and the nurse I spoke to said it is too early to be getting AF at 9dp3dt and that most women do not get their AF while on these hormone injections. So I don't know what the heck the bit of spotting and cramps are all about. Naturally when I am not doing ART I have a 15 day lp and 30 day cycle. Now I don't know what to feel or what to expect! I can see OH is so desperate for this to work.

Im happy for the friends getting their BFP but it was rubbing salt in the wound by the fact they admittedly avoided us. I see their BFP as encouragement and it would have been inspiring! They struggled for months and months with their first kid, had 2 mcs and struggled again with the second. It means a lot to me to see couples who struggle with success stories. So naturally we are very hurt.

Well Pino, if there is something wrong on your end chances are it can be fixed quite easily. You already know you can get PG, you might just need a bit of help to hold on. My coworker who had two mcs is being put on progesterone and that is what her RE thinks will do the trick. In my case my RE says something can be done about the egg quality... But I just don't want to go through any more of this. And I don't have $15k to throw around multiple times!

 

[Pino6161]

Sash--- Since during the injections you don't get your period etc. It makes more sense for it to be implantation. It sounds like your injections are amplifying things. The cramps most get during implantation are a bit like AF, just a bit less so. Yours are so painful because of the injections. They are same on the line of being on and off... Not all woman get IB bleeding but it is not at all uncommon.

You need to tell your friends. Tell them that it hurt you guys by being avoided. You are not a plague. It's hard for people that have not had to go as far as you to understand, or even see themselves in your shoes. You need to put it in their perspective.

I know going to the dr's will probably something simple, but honestly I HATE going to the dr's BUT once we move in March it is the first thing we will be doing

I understand by not having the money. I honestly still have hope for you though as all of your signs sound positive. When you went through IUI did you get the cramps and spotting??

 

[SashimiMimi]

I took progesterone suppositories during my 3 failed IUIs and each time I spotted a ton because they can irritate your cervix. I switched to the injections for that reason and today was the only time since the transfer I have seen even a drop of blood.

I'm not a fan of the doctor either and my fertility clinic has been a home away from home. But it feels good knowing I am doing everything I can. Im excited for your move and for you to see a new doctor. It will be a fresh start for you and OH and I'm certain good things will follow. Thanks for your positive words of encouragement on my stupid cramps!! It's now 3 am and I wonder if I will sleep at all. I'm glad you were up. It's nice to have someone to talk to right now. Xoxoxo We will reach those BFPs Pino!!

 

[Pino6161]

AGREED!! We will get them. Thank you as well. It's great knowing that we have so much support Try to get some rest, and I will try as well. You are 3hours ahead of me as it is midnight here. I am in the same boat wondering if I will fall asleep.

 

[lxb]

ladies. It is 1:30 here and I am sitting on the bed sobbing while Dh is snoring away.

This morning, I found some pimple looking bumps in the inner lower eyelid of my right eye (I saw one a couple of weeks ago, and figure I would wait to see if it goes away. But what do you know, I forgot about it until my eyes felt itchy this morning and I remembered and checked! That's when I found two more next to the original one). I wrote on my journal earlier as I was freaking out this morning. I am ultra sensitive when it comes to eye/skin issue as my dad passed away due to something called melanoma cancer. It started with his eye and it was detected a little too late that caused it to result in an eye removal. But it spread itself, and eventually claimed his life ~2yrs after the first discovery. It has been 9+ years since his death and I still remember the day crystal clear. I had a close family before... But it has brought us even closer together since the death.

Turning on the shower... Sitting, waiting for the water to get warm. Noticed a huge bloat/bump on my belly. If I don't suck it in, I might as well look like I was 4/5 months pregnant (I dreamed that I was half way through my pregnancy and woke up to nothing but belly fat)

Anyways, I was pretty shaken up since this morning. Then, so happen all the recent uploaded pics from my fb friends were either babies or preggo pic. And here I am... In a confusing cycle where I dont even think I've Oed.

Dh went shooting with his friends so he had dinner with them. So I suggested dinner with my sis along with mil. MIL was gone for a few days since I got my haircut. And she didn't notice it. (I certainly don't mind that she didn't notice). Then, during dinner time, MiL suddenly said to me.... Ah... Your hair became shorter?! And I just smile and said, yes. She then turned to my sis and said.. "I thought she looked different. And I thought to myself.. O... she is just fatter". ... Ha... Thanks.

When Dh got home today, I told him about my eye bumps and that I made an appt tmr to get it checked out. He said... Ok, better to get it checked out. Then, later on, he asked if we have any plan for tomorrow because he was thinking of playing golf. At that time, I was a little stumbled because I assumed he would go to the eye appt with me. And he asked, do you want me to go with you? And I just told him I was assuming he would go with me. I feel like I am such a bad person for keeping him home and do nothing whole he can go out and enjoy a round of golf. Then, he asked if he should go play golf. I said, "ok". He sensed that I wasnt and got mad at me for doing that and that we should communicate to each other. I shouldnt say i am ok when i am not, and that most couples breakup due to lack of communication and have to guess each others feelings.

So guess things calmed down. And we were both quiet. Now he is snoring away..while I'm here typing away. Sorry for such long vent with massive negative energy ladies. if you manage to finish reading this loooong and a bit of a pointless post... Thank you

 

[SashimiMimi]

Oh lxb! Big hugs! What you described on your eye sounds like a sty, which is basically a blocked oil gland. I get these a lot and it usually goes away with a hot compress. It's very understandable that you would be nervous and this would stir up emotions about your father. My OH goes through the same thing as both his parents had cancer and any time e feels off he is worried that he will get it too. He once told me he feels that he is a ticking time bomb for cancer and I told him that is not true! Just because his parents had cancer does not mean that he had his siblings will get it.

Still I think you will feel much better seeing the doctor. OHs dont seem to know when their presence is required... Mine wanted to golf on the day of my transfer and I was liken ugh... No you need to be there for the possible conception of our child!!! And then he asked if it took place in the morning he could go in te afternoon. Again I told him no!! He is going to Phoenix AZ on a guys golf trip in November and I've been totally supportive about that. I just think men don't know when something is really important so now I flat out say No I need you there for this... Or whatever.

Gaaaaahhhhh!!! You MIL!!!! Seriously!!! Give me her phone number right now she is about to receive an earful and an obscene phone call! That woman has some nerve. Next time you introduce her to someone say This is my husbands grandmother, then act shocked for a few minutes and say Holy sh!t!!! This is actually my MIL who is just looking really old!! Then turn to her and say You been in the sun too long again?? When did you shrivel up? You look like one of the California raisins!!!

Don't worry about the bloat. I have the same thing and our body has gone through lots of hormonal changes which causes this. It's not a good time for you to feel bad about yourself. I wish you could talk to my coworker who has 2 mcs. Her body went through lots of fluctuations before it regulated again. You went through a traumatic loss and it's going to take some time for you to be completely back to normal. You need kind words and support right now and that's why, when I speak to your MIL on the phone that I will tell her that it's best she move out. You guys need your space and she has overstayed her welcome. Or you can just have her bed taken away while she is gone and that will give her the hint.

So you hang in there. Put a hot compress on that eye and take it easy!!! Xoxoxo sending you lots of love!

 

[lauren26]

Sounds like you ladies had a very rough night!!!

Pino - I know that queasy excited-fearful stomach feeling so well. I am still really holding out for you this month but I know how heartbreaking a BFN is after feeling like it's the month and feeling like there's absolutely no reason you should be looking at a BFN!! I felt terrified before and after every visit I had with my specialist, and continue to feel that way. That said, going to a good doc was one of the best decisions I ever made. Hearing my diagnosis was incredibly difficult and painful, too, but in the end it paved the way for me to finally get a bfp! I just know that you are meant to be a mom I am with Sashimi--it seems like it must be something that is an easy fix, and I wish you and OH didn't have to wait to see a doc! I totally get it, though, and support your decisions. It just doesn't seem fair that you have to wait for your BFP or a doc! That said, I know that you will get there. You are so strong!! I am inspired by you all the time.

Sashimi - The absolute nerve of your friends!!! How could they ask you to jeapodize your shot at a BFP AND the $15k you put down for something like food!! They know you are doing IVF--why wouldn't they fix a totally pregnancy-friendly dinner if they asked you over?? And OH's friends-- I also always want to connect with couples who have struggled with infertility, even and especially now, and I just can't understand why it has to be such an isolating situation. I know I told you this, but our sort-of-friend who lives in the neighborhood behind is showed our apartment because she words for our landlord. She saw something that we'd left out and knew we were pregnant. She asked OH and he admitted it and swore her to secrecy for the moment because she knows a lot of my close friends. Anyway, I wrote her an email saying I was happy she knew but that I was scared of it getting on FB so double swore her to secrecy...She wrote me saying she was ecstatic for us and that her and her husband were trying, saying she wanted to be pregnant yesterday. I told her about 7 months ago what we were going through and she acted like they weren't trying but wanted to...in her email she admitted they'd been trying for a long time. I think she didn't mention it out of embarrassment, which broke my heart. I told her our whole story (abridged! ) and invited her to connect because I know what it's like! She never wrote back and I just felt so sad thinking that she is going through this alone. I wish everyone was as willing to connect about this stuff as all the ladies here are!! We all have you to thank, too, Sashimi, for bringing us together and creating this incredible support system. Anyway, I am digressing. I am praying and hoping that this is it for you and OH! You have been through SO much and it is just time. I can't imagine how intense this TWW is for you and hearing thoughtless comments like that from friends does not help at all! I have not lost hope for you and I hope that you and OH can get some RL support, too, amidst the sea of unhelpful friends!

lxb - It is completely natural to feel afraid when you lost your father in that way! I am so sorry you had such a rough night and are so worried! When is your appointment?? I am sure it's nothing, and am glad that you are getting it checked out for your peace of mind. My OH lost his dad to cancer when he was very little and has always been afraid of getting cancer, too. You said your OH doesn't know about your dad's starting in his eye? He may just not know how scary it is for you that you have something going on with your eye!! And Sashimi is right--sometimes you just need to lay down the law with OH and say No golf--I need you right now! You should not have to be scared alone, especially after all you've gone through lately and this confusing cycle you've had. I cannot wait for you to be without MIL and hope she decides to take a permanent vacation!!

 

[lauren26]

Afm--MIL vent alert!! Yesterday at work I had a piece of candy from the candy bowl--I know it's totally naughty and not a healthy pg food, but I ate one, dammit! I took a lunch walk with my co-worker and she was asking about all the things I'm eating and avoiding, what's dangerous, etc. After I got through explaining the major things, she said, 'If you're so concerned with having a healthy baby, why do you eat that sh*t from the candy bowl?' It totally took me off guard and at once I felt completely guilty and completely pissed!! She KEPT after it, too. Like she was trying to make me feel awful for eating a mini Milky Way! I told her I thought there were way more harmful things to worry about and that I am doing my best. Later that night at PIL's my SIL mentioned something about how she's not supposed to eat such-and-such. I lightly related the story about my co-worker and my MIL, who is normally so amazing and supportive, said 'Well she's right.' I don't know if it's because of all the hormones, but it REALLY stung and I got completely shut down for the rest of the night. She is usually so, so amazing and supportive but since we announced our pregnancy she has seemed really judgmental which is so uncharacteristic of her--unless I just don't know the real her! Later I tried to casually bring up diet and mentioned how I'm doing my best and following the rules as much as I can, and she 'jokingly' said--'Depends on what your goals are, I guess!' implying that I would gain tons of weight if I ate a Milky Way! I don't know, ladies, maybe I am being really sensitive or petty, but I am already getting comments like this on a daily basis and I am not even 7w pregnant. I wanted to punch both my friend and MIL!! SIL was amazingly great and said, 'It's no one else's business.' My OH is MIL's golden child, and a part of me thinks that she feels resentment that it's my fault we took so long and had to spend so much $ to get here and that any potentially wrong move I make harms him. I completely expected compassion from her, too, once we got here! The first time we saw her after telling PIL she asked how I felt and I mentioned my insane emotions--she kept laughing nervously and saying, 'Just know that it's the hormones and the feelings aren't real. When you feel yourself start to cry just remind yourself it's not real'--!! I wanted to shout, 'I can cry whenever I want to!!! I'll cry right now!' Am I just being a sensitive jerk?? Should I not ask this on our thread?

 

[Pino6161]

lxb--- I am so sorry. I had barely turned the computer off when you woke up. You should have told you OH you want him to go with you. He knows how hard this on you giving everything with your Dad. Try not to stress out. I know how bad MC's can be emotionally. I still have dreams like that to this day. The pain of it hasn't left me, so I don't know if it goes away

Lauren--- Thanks I think I am just frustrated. I am still holding on to every string of hope that I can do this on my own with no medical intervention It just seems like all of my family has no issues except for me. I am kinda mad at you. There is NOTHING you can't or should not ask I think part of it is the hormones and being sensitive, but the other is not. You are ALLOWED to eat a damn candy if you want. Goodness you would think you went on a drinking binge for craps sake. I agree with SIL it is NONE of anyone's business what you do during your pregnancy. Being really healthy during pregnancy is great but sometimes you need a little something sweet to satisfy the baby. I mean it was a TINY milkyway not a footlong candy bar. Try not to take it to heart. You and lxb have something in common. Maybe I was just raised differently but there are times you really need to stand up for yourself when it comes to MIL's.

 

[Pino6161]

So I am in a mood again today. My temp dropped, I got another BFN and I have to go shopping w/ MIL. What a perfect wonderful day. There really is no way to explain the way I am feeling. I expect AF by tomorrow 10-12 days and I am 11 DPO right now. I am just tired. Of everything I am out of words for this month. I don't even feel like I can cry. More like a zombie


PS you would think we are all on our periods as it seems everyone is in a mood

 

[preg_pilot]

lauren - nobody, ever, has any right to tell a pregnant woman what to eat or what not to eat.
I´m pretty sure I would just punch whoever tried to tell me not to eat that piece of chocolate.

I stay away from alcohol, cigarettes (as in smoking people) and raw foods.
Anything else is fair game to me.
I do try to eat healthy most of the time, but if I have a huge craving for something unhealthy, I eat it and everybody´s opinion be damned.
While pregnant, a candy every now and then is the last thing you should worry about.

 

[lxb]

we definitely sounded like a bunch of ladies going through period! Love you ladies!!

It definitely sounded like people are insensitive or too judgmental. And we certainly don't need that around here! We have enough to deal with as it is.

Sashimi - I could give her number..but she doesn't speak English she is very appearance/body conscious! I don't even know if she eats lunch? She would make comment like... Clothes look better in slim body etc etc.. So and so in gaining weight. ALWAYS compared herself with me. Felt like she is a teenager a lot of times, who tries to compete when nobody wants to compete with her.

Lauren - eat as your heart felt right! Milky way is NOt harmful unless you eat a whole truck load! okay... Maybe even a quarter of a truck load is bad . you sil is right, it's nobody's business!

Cancer is such a scary thing especially when you know there is nothing you can do about it. Got back from my eye appr and everything is fine. It turns out, it is something called concretion. The doc said for my case, it is caused by my allergies. Those pimple looking bumps aren't going anywhere and he is not concern about it as my symptoms (dryness and itchiness) are okay. I can control it by first control my allergies and to use eye drops consistently to prevents dry eyes because of my profession (I am a software engineer who sits in front of the computer all day. When you stare at the computer, you tend to blink less, therefore, dry eyes).

I told Dh about my dads condition. I was sobbing the whole time. I am crying because of all those memories and not so much of the possibilities of getting cancer myself (still scared but not the main reason for crying)

And you ladies are right. Men need to be told what to do because they certainly think us women are complicated sometimes!

 

[Pino6161]

lxb--- I am glad all is good. I hope you OH understands where you are coming from