Dealing with azoospermia?

[deafgal01]

Mo- sounds like a good plan.

SunUp- thanks!

 

[MrsG30]

Ladies

followin on from Sun up's lovely post- my hubby said to me on satirday night

"Donor sperm might be the hardest decision in the world to think about/make, however if its teh only option its not a difficult decision at all, infact its quite easy"

complex as it sounded, i knew what he meant- if its your only option, you have to take it, its nice to know he was thinking that way.

 

[Stinas]

MrsG30 - I think after a certain point most men come to that conclusion. When we first found out about azoo, DH said donor and adoption was NOT an option....now he basically said the same yours did.
Thank god.

 

[Mikihob]

Absolutely right MrsG30 and Stinas. My husband was already to start the adoption process, but after a couple of requests for $5,000 right off the bat and another agency telling us that our age difference is a problem we decided to keep trying all other options. He said no to donor because it wouldn't be his bio kid. Now, after all the bad news and surgeries he may have to face, he has already said that he would want donor sperm because at least the baby would have my DNA. Plus, he would still be there father no matter what.

 

[MoBaby]

Its hard for DH to face the fact of using donor sperm. My DH only agreed after hearing it from a second RE and saying IUI with DS would be much easier and cheaper. But we are going to give him one more shot at a biological child. They just need time to wrap their head around it. I told DH once before its not fair for him to deny me the chance to carry a child b/c it would be ours as we would do it together. He took that to heart.

 

[MadCatLady]

I agree, my DH is so upset over the thought of having to use DS but right now it might be our only option. He's really worried the child would not think of him as "dad" or want to go find him when he's 18 and not want to know DH anymore. I've tried convincing him it's the same principle in adoption, and that it's being there and loving the child that makes him "dad" but he's really struggling with it

 

[Mikihob]

MadCatLady my DH said that we wouldn't tell our child that the sperm came from a donor. The eggs are mine and the costs and love and joy and fight is ours, the child(ren) are ours and no one else's. We would have a medical history of the donor so we would know the risks and be prepared for what may happen down the road, but they wouldn't have to know.

What do you think about that??

 

[deafgal01]

Mad- that is a common worry among anyone who uses donors I think. I pointed out that dh will be one with me thru the whole process, he picks the donors, then he will be with me when they put the swimmers in, thus being present for the start of conception, then the whole pregnancy experience together, the best part will be when the any is born and comes home. They will imitate his behavior and label him dad, no doubt of that.

As for telling the baby, that seems to be personal choice. Some wait til child is old enough to understand and others seem to follow research which says to talk about it in terms a child can understand so that by time they are 18, it is no big deal and child might not be curious about the donors anyways. Have you two seen a counselor yet to help sort your thoughts thru this process?

I finally got an appt with a counselor who specializes in infertility so we meet with her June 3rd, then looks like we might start after my AF in June with iui (sometime after June 15th she would be due I believe). Think the dr wants to see us before that to give us a chance to refresh what will happen and provide info as needed. I will get my blood screened either this week or next week as that is a required thing before we undergo any iui treatments.

 

[AuCa]

Mine is the same way (donor sperm is not an option), but chances are reasonable that we won't need it hopefully.
For me I just tried to put myself in his shoes - eg, if it was me who had the problem, would I be ok with using donor eggs? And frankly I wouldn't be. Of course I might have also changed my mind on it if this was what we were facing, no idea. Out of this reason I actually told DH that I wouldn't be ok with using donor sperm myself.
I would go straight to adoption as I don't have a huge desire to carry a pregnancy. I just want a family. But I know that this is very personal and different for everybody and I'm very impressed with the strength you ladies and your partners have

 

[MrsG30]

everyones thought and views however the same or different are soooooo good to see/hear. Thanks for sharing ladies and hopefully in turn we will all get what we want by whatever method xxxxx

 

[deafgal01]

I went from not wanting to use donor to deciding to use a known donor. When dh was first diagnosed, he said it was NOT an option. But as time went on and reality faced us, we decided we wanted to experience pregnancy, see me pregnant and all that. So we decided to check out donor banks. I was still uncomfortable and struggling with that concept even though we knew there was no way we would ask his family members. Eventually after four to five months with that, I asked dh what he thought of asking a friend out of state to donate for us to use. He thought about it and said that would be ok. Once this is done, this friend will be "uncle" to our baby so baby grows up knowing who he is, not as a donor but as an uncle until the proper time. Still figuring out how/when we will tell our baby about the donor, but think we will cover that in counseling when we go because I don't know what questions to think up and discuss.

So that is where we are now in our process. It has taken us year and a half to get this far. Provided everything is done on time, we might be undergo our first try at iui around end of June.

 

[deafgal01]

Auca, I think all of us would have to be strong after going thru this together. It can make or break a marriage depending on the decisions and facts. Not just the decision to use donors but other personal choices too.

I was not raised how to handle this type of situation. I never dreamed this would happen. I sucks that it happened to us all but I have to be honest when I say it has brought me closer to my dh, we have had time that most couples do not have when they are first married because they get surprise pregnancy or fall pregnant fast. The bonus is we won't ever have to worry about preventing... what a waste of condoms all these years when we did not want to get knocked up. could have enjoyed our honeymoon without the condom. Ya know what I mean?

 

[MadCatLady]

Yes it is good to hear everyone's opinions - gives you other things to think about! Mikihob - he would love to not tell the child but I don't know how it works as we are in the UK where we can't have an anonymous donor anymore, they all have to be "open" to being found at some point - I just don't know enough about it to know how it works He did say that he would rather use DS then adoption though as then it would be half genetically ours. He's so good my nephews and nieces that he would be a fab dad no matter where the child came from!

Deafgal01, we haven't seen a counsellor yet but hope this might help us. It's all a bit disjointed it would be appear here in the UK! I'm thinking of going to my GP tomorrow to see if there are any other counsellors that might help me and DH at moment as feeling all a bit overwhelmed. Had my HSG today - did not think much about that, lol! As my mum says "time to leave your dignity at the door"!

 

[MrsG30]

Matcat- you are right about the known donor thing in the UK- however if you buy from abrod it would still be down to you to tell your child.I think the councellor sessions are complusary once you make a DS decision, thats what weve been told anyway. Hope that will help you.

Do you need HSG before you have IUI or IVF/ICSI? is this on top of an US?
xxx

Im sooo greatful for this site

Yes it is good to hear everyone's opinions - gives you other things to think about! Mikihob - he would love to not tell the child but I don't know how it works as we are in the UK where we can't have an anonymous donor anymore, they all have to be "open" to being found at some point - I just don't know enough about it to know how it works He did say that he would rather use DS then adoption though as then it would be half genetically ours. He's so good my nephews and nieces that he would be a fab dad no matter where the child came from!

Deafgal01, we haven't seen a counsellor yet but hope this might help us. It's all a bit disjointed it would be appear here in the UK! I'm thinking of going to my GP tomorrow to see if there are any other counsellors that might help me and DH at moment as feeling all a bit overwhelmed. Had my HSG today - did not think much about that, lol! As my mum says "time to leave your dignity at the door"!

 

[Hopeful Cat]

My hubby was definitely against donor sperm when we started this process. But I have a massive urge to experience pregnancy and for other personal reasons I really wanted donor sperm to be the backup over adoption. When we were faced with our quite scary odds of being able to find any of hubby's sperm he started to explore his feelings on the subject. His main worry was that the child wouldn't look like his and would he be able to love that child the same knowing it isn't his. I pointed him in the direction of a website to read ppls stories and he is now quite open to the idea of donor sperm as our backup. Adoption isn't even on our radar at the moment. I don't think either of us will fully understand what we feel about using a donor option until we are faced with it.

My urge to experience pregnancy and give birth made me more open to the use of a donor egg if the problem was with me. I see using donors as a part adoption.

If it comes to donors we've decided we will tell the child.

 

[Mikihob]

My hubby was definitely against donor sperm when we started this process. But I have a massive urge to experience pregnancy and for other personal reasons I really wanted donor sperm to be the backup over adoption. When we were faced with our quite scary odds of being able to find any of hubby's sperm he started to explore his feelings on the subject. His main worry was that the child wouldn't look like his and would he be able to love that child the same knowing it isn't his. I pointed him in the direction of a website to read ppls stories and he is now quite open to the idea of donor sperm as our backup. Adoption isn't even on our radar at the moment. I don't think either of us will fully understand what we feel about using a donor option until we are faced with it.

My urge to experience pregnancy and give birth made me more open to the use of a donor egg if the problem was with me. I see using donors as a part adoption.

If it comes to donors we've decided we will tell the child.

HI! I also know that there are cryobanks that offer facial recognition matches. You can upload a pic of your DH and then they match his picture to pictures of donors to find matches that have the same facial characteristics. It made my DH loads more comfortable with the idea.

 

[deafgal01]

Thought that service was extra fee if you wanted that facial "matching"? I could be wrong though. Maybe that depends on the bank you are using.

 

[MadCatLady]

HI! I also know that there are cryobanks that offer facial recognition matches. You can upload a pic of your DH and then they match his picture to pictures of donors to find matches that have the same facial characteristics. It made my DH loads more comfortable with the idea.

Ooo we would pay whatever to have that! That would definitely make him feel better! At least that would potentially take away some of the unknown of the child not looking anything like him (although I personally am really poor at seeing any parents in their children, lol!).

MrsG30 - They sent me for a HSG as routine? Well that's what they said anyway! Wanting to make sure im fine so that IUI or IVF can go ahead. From results of HSG they said it was "essentially normal" and tubes weren't blocked but she queried whether the dye came out properly from one tube so being sent for an ultra sound incase there is a cyst? She said it was no big deal if there was?! I hope that's the case! Definitely think counselling would be very useful for both of us though so will be good to get!

I never thought I wanted to experience being pregnant, was going to adopt on my own before I met DH - but I dont know, something about all this happening has made me want to experience it more?

 

[deafgal01]

Hsg, never needed to get one. I did have ultrasound more than a year ago to check my uterus. They want my blood screened before the iui process. I guess the hsg would come later if after three go at it and no success. No idea.

 

[Mikihob]

deafgal01 at the Fairfax Cryobank they give you the option to look for facial matching or just input specifications to find a donor. In the checkout process (that is so weird. I never thought I would buy sperm the same way I buy stuff on Amazon) they just give you prices for vials and storage, etc. I didn't see an extra charge. Some of my DH's matches were cheaper compared to others.

MadCatLady some kids don't look like their parents (to me anyway) but sometimes it unmistakeable. My DH has a large nose as he says (I think it's cute) so he was afraid that the kid would have a tiny nose and huge forehead and people would see immediately the baby "wasn't his." With facial matching he was happy because the facial features would resemble DH and then people might even say "your son looks just like you."

I hope we don't have to go down that road, but if we do....that is going to be one lucky kid.