Dealing with azoospermia?

[MJ73]

5th to the 10th of Feb, Deb, with 5th evening still open for now.

18th to the 27th, MJ - l'll probably do Perth, Melbourne and Sydney. Not yet sure on Brisbane.

We're sadly in the hospital with Dara who managed to ride her tiny body with pneumonia... For how precious your azoo-babies will be to you, the worry and the heartbreak will be proportional but you WILL get them, you're all beautiful -irrelevant but true- and strong -relevant!- future mommies.

Oh no, sending lots of healing to Dara, poor little cherub. I should be around during those dates. I've never actually met anyone who's DH has azoos & I've only met one other woman who's done IVF so would definitely be keen for a catch up. What's the reason for your visit?

 

[MJ73]

AFM, I had the appt with my endo this afternoon & she has put me on metformin as my insulin levels are 'extremely high' & my blood glucose level is higher than she'd like if I were to fall pregnant. She reiterated how much she'd like me to lose 5-10kgs before I start my next ivf cycle as she thinks it will improve our chances of conception. She said I had four risk factors for miscarriage; Hashimotos, PCOS, advanced maternal age (eek!) and obesity (double eek!). So basically, I'm sick, old & fat Great boost for the 'ol self esteem I guess I should be thankful she didn't call me hairy too

 

[deafgal01]

good luck MJ!

MissAma- hope lil Dara recovers quickly!

 

[wibble wobble]

Hi everyone

Silverbell sorry to hear your news xx

afm I've been dealt another blow on the fertility front today. My amh level is only 17.4 so my consultant wont let me try diui as rates of success are better going straight for ivf. Just got to wait 8 weeks or so now for my screening bloods to be processed and then we should get to meet with the donor co ordinator

 

[tigerlily1975]

Hello everyone,

Thanks you so much for all your lovely messages, you really are the most wonderful group of ladies. I'm still waiting for it all to sink in really, I keep expecting the phone to ring and it's dad asking me what I want for tea when I come to visit...

It looks like 2012 is being a right b**ch to a lot of us on here, it just HAS to get better.

MissAma: I'm so sorry It's good to hear you have a plan in place, I'm keeping everything crossed for you. I hope little Dara is on the mend, lots of cuddles to the little sweetheart.

SB: Oh no, sweetie, it's the news we all dread. Sending you huge, HUGE I know you were preparing yourself for the worst, but it's still the biggest and most heart-breaking news

Wanbmum: darling, I'm so sorry for you and DH. I think you summed-up completely how we all feel. Big on their way to you

I'm also sending massive, super-squishie to Debs, SND, wibble, dg01, raelynn, Canadian, KB38, MJ, Sar and any other lovely lady I've managed to miss in my confused state

On the TTC front, we're still trying to get a date for DH's TESE. Can I ask a question; if we have no joy with the TESE, is it worth getting a second opinion and pursuing a mTESE? We're still undecided on using donor, so if there aren't any, I think it might just break me right now.

I hope you all have a good evening and if 2012 is giving you grief, let me know and I'll happily kick it up the butt!

Much love,

C xx

 

[snd80]

Good to see you back Tiger!

 

[Deb111]

AFM, I had the appt with my endo this afternoon & she has put me on metformin as my insulin levels are 'extremely high' & my blood glucose level is higher than she'd like if I were to fall pregnant. She reiterated how much she'd like me to lose 5-10kgs before I start my next ivf cycle as she thinks it will improve our chances of conception. She said I had four risk factors for miscarriage; Hashimotos, PCOS, advanced maternal age (eek!) and obesity (double eek!). So basically, I'm sick, old & fat Great boost for the 'ol self esteem I guess I should be thankful she didn't call me hairy too

Awww bless you

Bet I'm older and fatter than you! xx

 

[snd80]

MissAma- Sending healing hugs to your sweet baby!!!!

 

[Deb111]

MissAma - so sorry to hear about Dara - big cuddles to her from all her B'n'B azoo aunties

Sadly, I don't think we will be able to meet up when you are in london this time as it's Mon - Fri and I will be working and couldn't manage to fit in a 6 hour round trip plus time when we got there - hopefully another time

Tiger - lovely to see you back. mTESE would definitely be an option to consider. Mr Ramsay is one of the best and local to you so that's a bonus! When SB is up to being back here, I'm sure she will tell you how to go about getting a referral on the NHS for him - might be worth going straight for the mTESE - it has a much higher chance of finding sperm if there are some in there, especially of there's very small numbers like we had. The TESE (random biopsy) found 3 - mTESE found 40ish

 

[Deb111]

Apologies for just cutting and pasting from my journal, but would value your opinions girls ...

I'm really, really struggling girls - I think I need to go back onto my anti-depressants but am terrified of it causing a problem for any potential baby. Apparently, the one I'm on raises the risk of congenital heart defects from 1% to 2%. Plus it owuld mean I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.

I am very low right now, but what seems to be really bad is my anxiety. It's worse than it's ever been. In the past it has just reared up a bit when my depression is bad, but this time it is horrendous. Maybe I need anxiety medication, not anti-depressants - who knows?

The thing is, when my anxiety starts usually, it is an excessive worry about something that is going on in my life at that time - it's not pleasant but it's manageable.

The trouble is, at the moment, so many horrible things have happened that the excessive anxiety about them all is bordering on unmanageable.

My mum's not been well and has been having some tests - it's most likely nothing serious, but they're just having trouble getting to the bottom of it - I'm very worried about her.

Terry's friend dying in his sleep like that has made me think it can happen to any of us and is just frightening.

Our next door neighbours had an attempted break-in one evening when they were in the house just before christmas and I've just started getting over the anxiety of that and I wake up this morning to find a police care a few doors away - they targetted another neighbour last night, when they were all asleep upstairs - went stright over their security gate and forced the FRONT window. I don't know if they disturbed them or if they got in yet but now I'm terrified. We always thought Finn was a deterrent but they have a small dog too.

And when Terry's out driving with any work he does manage to get, I'm anxious about soemthing happening to him, especially when he's doing long distances.

I has made me anxious to be at home, anxious to be out of the house and I suddenly had this horrible thought come into my head when I was at work today that they might get in and do something horrible to finn. I was almost in tears at my desk at work and I can't get these thoughts and images out of my head.

It makes me feel, and probably sound, like I'm going mad

I guess I have to weight up the risks of being on medication with the prospect of going through IVF and maybe a pregnancy with this high level of anxiety

 

[tigerlily1975]

Oh, Deb, sweetheart NO you are NOT going mad!

I definitely think you need to sit down and have a good chat with your GP - if they're the understanding type. I've been having 'dizzy fits' (started in October) and after a good chat with the Dr she thinks it's stress related - combo of work and the Azoo (she was actually really surprised that the hospital does not offer counselling for us as couple going through this). I bet every single one of us on here is dealing with additional stress from this situation and we don't get the 'emotional' support that we really need to deal with it or at least, try to.

If you need to take medication to help you get through this incredibly tough time (I've been depressed and been on anti-depressants and I think most people do at some point in their life), then I think it's an absolute must. Right now you need to get YOU in the right place to face this incredibly hard journey. You are trying to juggle a lot and maybe it's for the best to take a breather and get everything in order and most importantly to FEEL ready for the next step, because it's a big one and you're putting your body and emotions through a helluva lot.

But PLEASE promise me and all of us that you'll go and have a chat with the Dr, we want a healthy and well Deb.

Be kind to yourself, hun.

C xx

P.S. I hope your mum is feeling better.

 

[deafgal01]

Wibble -

Tiger- I think a 2nd opinion would be good. Hope that other test will find sperms.

Deb- I agree with the girls. You should talk to the dr and see if there's something they can offer- whether in terms of counseling help or a different medicine. This is a really hard journey and you're so strong for going thru this (although not by choice- none of us have a say in this situation/challenge life has to throw at us). You've certainly been thru so much recently and I hope your mom feels better soon!

 

[Deb111]

Thanks girls

Tiger - the thing is, I'm not prepared to delay the IVF - I'm 38 next month and just not happy to leave things any longer so it's a balance between the risks of the meds and dealing with my anxiety / depression

I tried to make an appt at the dr's and the next routine one they could offer me was 2 weeks today - not an option! So I have to phone at 2pm every day until I manage to get through quickly enough to get one of the 4 appts they release on the day - guess that's a job for hubby as he isn't working and I will be in class teaching at that time

 

[snd80]

Oh Deb, you poor thing! I really don't think it would hurt to take something whilst trying, up until you do get pg? It's kinda a damn if you do; damn if you don't type situation. You seem like me, a worry wort, wanting/needing to control every aspect of everything for it to go "right" in your eyes. It's not easy either. I take a .5mg xanex everyday just to function. But I was put on them before our official azoo diagnosis, when we first found out about Marty's kidney problems. Sometimes you just gotta let go. It is what it is.. You can't be the hero all the time. Sometimes the hero needs a hero themselves!

Hope everything turns out ok for you mother! When it rains, it pours doesn't it!

Jeez, I didn't realize that B&E was as bad overseas as it is here! Might be worth checking into a security system? I am so much more comfortable now that we have ours!!! After we got broken into, like you, I was panicky; scared to even leave the house for fear that they would come back for what they didn't get the first time. The day after it happened I stayed home in the quiet dark just listening and waiting for 6 hours until Marty got home from dialysis. That was the worst day ever!!!!

Now, get your butt to the dr. lady and get something done!

 

[Deb111]

Thanks snd

The thing is with antidepressants, they take a good 2 weeks to start to get into your system and then from experience, another 4 weeks until I was feeling my old self again and then they recommend a minimum of 6 months on them I think, so I have to accept that if I do go back on them, I will be on them whilst we are going through the ICSI and during any potential pregnancy and then I wouldn't be able to breastfeed either

I went back on them for a short time whilst we had several months of waiting before hubby's mTESE, but came off them, without any major issues, before we started the ICSI

It's not been as bad today - I've kept myself busy at work and I knew hubby was home today so felt things were safer - but I know the anxiety is still there waiting to bubble up again

Apparently the dog of the people over the road had a go at the burglars! but apparently that was preferable to if the bloke had have got hold of them - he's a kick boxer and an ex boxer - now I'd have paid to watch him do that to the lowlife scum!

We have 'trained up' our little guard dog and now leave the hallway door open so we can hear him easily if he barks - I thought he'd be a nightmare keeping me awake barking at every sound last night, but he was absolutely golden - apart from a 10 minute stand - off between him and the cats just after we'd gone to bed - from either side of the stair gate - just the odd low growl and excited bark!!

We can't afford a security / burglar alarm system and it would be difficult to use with the pets in the house, but we have just bought a combined security light / camera and voice alert which will hopefully be a deterent - doubt we'll use the voice alert though - I don't think the neighbours would be too impressed with "YOU ARE TRESPASSING" or "YOU ARE BEING FILMED" booming out every time a cat walked past

The police say they have caught 2 guys who stole a car about 4 / 5 miles from here - I really don't see the connection to be honest, unless one of them has a dog's mouth sized chunk out of it's leg

 

[snd80]

We can't afford a security / burglar alarm system and it would be difficult to use with the pets in the house, but we have just bought a combined security light / camera and voice alert which will hopefully be a deterent - doubt we'll use the voice alert though - I don't think the neighbours would be too impressed with "YOU ARE TRESPASSING" or "YOU ARE BEING FILMED" booming out every time a cat walked past

Ha! Never thought about "what if you have animals in the house" when you leave?! Guess cause we don't have indoor pets! Blonde moment!

And never thought about meds and breast feeding! (Only cause I don't plan on it.) Knowing me, I will be back at work the next week after ours is born cause I am a work-a-holic! Another blonde moment!

 

[CanadianMaple]

I'm sorry things have been so rough Deb.

I'm so nervous, our first appointment is tomorrow with the RE.

 

[KB38]

Deb111, right now you need to look after you.

I was feeling a similar way a few months ago and when I went to my GP she looked at me and said 'do you really think you are going to fall pregnant, however that has to happen, while you are this wound up'. I broke down in tears and then and there decided that whilst I didn't have the strength to do it for myself, I most certainly could and would do anything for that baby.

So rather than making DH my project and spending all my time and energy fighting with doctors and nurses and second guessing, I decided for a month I would make myself my project. After all, I am the one who's going to have to give our baby somewhere to grow

The GP recommended I defer the anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds for a month (this might not be the right decision for you so do talk to the GP) and instead to take a Bach remedy called 'rescue remedy' whenever I felt stressed or anxious. She also told me to write down what I was thinking about when I was feeling anxious or stressed, look at the list, work out whether it was something to be anxious or stressed about and work out what I needed to feel better and write that down in a separate column.

This really helped me to stop my thoughts racing away from me. It also gave me some perspective about what I could and couldn't influence so that I could use what little energy I had focusing on what I could influence and not worrying about what I couldn't. It also gave me a weird sense of achievement to cross things off my list!

I also started doing jigsaw puzzles and cross stitch (ie things that I don't have to think about but which distract me from my own thoughts especially when they are in the 'things I can't influence column').

I have also been trying to eat really well (I even bought Jenny Craig food for a few weeks so I didn't have to think about cooking - it was just there), upped my accupuncture to twice weekly for a month and started doing some gentle exercise again.
I can't say that I am 100% but I do feel a lot better.

Having said all of that, if you really feel that meds will be a better option for you then you should do it! You've had to make a lot of sacrifices on this journey, don't sacrifice yourself too

 

[deafgal01]

Canadian- good luck tomorrow.

 

[tigerlily1975]

Thanks girls

Tiger - the thing is, I'm not prepared to delay the IVF - I'm 38 next month and just not happy to leave things any longer so it's a balance between the risks of the meds and dealing with my anxiety / depression

I tried to make an appt at the dr's and the next routine one they could offer me was 2 weeks today - not an option! So I have to phone at 2pm every day until I manage to get through quickly enough to get one of the 4 appts they release on the day - guess that's a job for hubby as he isn't working and I will be in class teaching at that time

I hope you managed to get an appointment with the GP. It's insane now, it's almost like you have to predict when you're going to be ill so that you can make your appointment two weeks in advance! Ker-razeee!

I think KB38 is right on the money. I know where you are coming from with the age (I'm 37 in June, so my clock is ticking loud and clear), but do you feel up to going through IVF right now? If you took, say, a two-month break so that you can be in the best shape for a pregnancy, would that benefit you in the long-run?

You will get there, but you have to help yourself too, hun.

Big

C xx