Dealing with azoospermia?

[tigerlily1975]

Good to see you back Tiger!

Thanks, hun! How are you doing?

C xx

 

[tigerlily1975]

I'm sorry things have been so rough Deb.

I'm so nervous, our first appointment is tomorrow with the RE.

Good luck, Canadian, I hope it goes well.

C xx

 

[mumanddad]

Hope your all well, ill do some reading back later xx

 

[snd80]

Good luck CM! Thinking of you!

Tiger-How are you holding up? Doing good here. Getting impatient! LOL! So ready for May to be here already!!!!!

Hope everyone else is having a great day!

 

[Deb111]

Post about Dr coming up in a minute ...

Deb111, right now you need to look after you.

I was feeling a similar way a few months ago and when I went to my GP she looked at me and said 'do you really think you are going to fall pregnant, however that has to happen, while you are this wound up'. I broke down in tears and then and there decided that whilst I didn't have the strength to do it for myself, I most certainly could and would do anything for that baby.

So rather than making DH my project and spending all my time and energy fighting with doctors and nurses and second guessing, I decided for a month I would make myself my project. After all, I am the one who's going to have to give our baby somewhere to grow

The GP recommended I defer the anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds for a month (this might not be the right decision for you so do talk to the GP) and instead to take a Bach remedy called 'rescue remedy' whenever I felt stressed or anxious. She also told me to write down what I was thinking about when I was feeling anxious or stressed, look at the list, work out whether it was something to be anxious or stressed about and work out what I needed to feel better and write that down in a separate column.

This really helped me to stop my thoughts racing away from me. It also gave me some perspective about what I could and couldn't influence so that I could use what little energy I had focusing on what I could influence and not worrying about what I couldn't. It also gave me a weird sense of achievement to cross things off my list!

I also started doing jigsaw puzzles and cross stitch (ie things that I don't have to think about but which distract me from my own thoughts especially when they are in the 'things I can't influence column').

I have also been trying to eat really well (I even bought Jenny Craig food for a few weeks so I didn't have to think about cooking - it was just there), upped my accupuncture to twice weekly for a month and started doing some gentle exercise again.
I can't say that I am 100% but I do feel a lot better.

Having said all of that, if you really feel that meds will be a better option for you then you should do it! You've had to make a lot of sacrifices on this journey, don't sacrifice yourself too

Thanks so much for this KB - it's given me some good ideas - I know I need to start looking after myself. Stupid things like my eyebrows need shaping, I haven't worn make up excpet on special occassions for I don't know how long - I look in the mirror and barely even recognise myself anymore! I will definitely try. In fact hubby's watching football this evneing so I plan to go and have a soak in the bath and do my eyebrows

Thanks girls

Tiger - the thing is, I'm not prepared to delay the IVF - I'm 38 next month and just not happy to leave things any longer so it's a balance between the risks of the meds and dealing with my anxiety / depression

I tried to make an appt at the dr's and the next routine one they could offer me was 2 weeks today - not an option! So I have to phone at 2pm every day until I manage to get through quickly enough to get one of the 4 appts they release on the day - guess that's a job for hubby as he isn't working and I will be in class teaching at that time

I hope you managed to get an appointment with the GP. It's insane now, it's almost like you have to predict when you're going to be ill so that you can make your appointment two weeks in advance! Ker-razeee!

I think KB38 is right on the money. I know where you are coming from with the age (I'm 37 in June, so my clock is ticking loud and clear), but do you feel up to going through IVF right now? If you took, say, a two-month break so that you can be in the best shape for a pregnancy, would that benefit you in the long-run?

You will get there, but you have to help yourself too, hun.

Big

C xx

Thanks Tiger - I understand what you're saying. I've been in much worse places with my depression before and I wouldn't have felt I could face the FET then, but this is very different - I don't feel like this needs to stop me - it's hard to explain. I just need to break the cycle of thoughts - maybe something the GP suggested might help - more about that in the next post.

Will also give this rescue remedy a go - I feel like I just need something short term to give these thoughts a good kicking!

 

[Deb111]

Well I've just been to see the GP - unfortunately our wonderful GP left several months ago and I saw a locum today - just a shame he's not the replacement because he was lovely. Spent over 15 mins with me and took it all on board. Discussed what I'd tried before and I explained that counselling had never done much for me and the fact that you have to wait 6 weeks minumum for an appt that is then in work time is just no use to me.

We talked about medication and he said whilst the ones I was on before were probably the least harmful, if it was his wife; he'd advise her not to take the risk and that if anything went wrong, I would always blame the medication even if it wasn't the cause.

He's given me an online CBT website - I'm guessing it will cost money, but it's a different way of doing things so might be worth a try. Apparently there's programmes you can work through so will have a look later

Not feeling too bad today so I guess it's easy to feel ok with what he said - will have to see how it goes

 

[WANBMUM]

We got our final results today.
It's not good.
I will never have my husbands biological children It is inoperable.
Numb and heartbroken.

Really sorry for you sending you huge virtual It's really hard to be told your never going to have your husbands baby. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve the baby that wont be. Take some time to talk through your feelings together,the worst thing you can do is keep it all inside. I did this for 2 weeks and ended up having a meltdown in work.

Counselling may not be for you,but it helped me and mine to understand how we were feeling and why we were feeling that way.

Thanks wibble wobble. It is a very strange feeling. counselling is something I am definitely considering. I've never been before so I am slightly apprehensive , i suppose talking to a stranger. I will see how we are.

 

[WANBMUM]

Can't catch up right now, ladies, but just posting to say we were given the results of DH's microTESE a couple of hours ago ...

Unfortunately he has zero sperm.

Oh silverbell, I am so sorry to hear this. Hope your doing ok?

Have they given you next steps?

sending you lots of

 

[WANBMUM]

Deb, I am happy to hear you visited your GP's office. I think its truly a decision you need to make regarding taking the medication, don't let anybody talk you out of it, if you really feel you need it. Only you know. At least you got some good advice.
You have had alot of worrying incidents happen, so you are bound to feel anxious, I get the same way about my dog being at home alone, all the what if's. He sounds like a great little fellow

 

[WANBMUM]

I must say, we had had a tough week dealing with the reality, but I know we will get there.

For the Donor girls. I have a couple of basic questions (i mean really basic and probably silly)
Initially, what was your first step once you decide this is what you want to do?
What tests will I have to carry out? Do i do these before hand or do they carry them out at the fertility clinic?
What is the difference between IUI & IVF? in relation to donor sperm (am I right in saying, IUI is if I am perfectly healthy?)
Also have you any tips for me? What to think about etc?
A personal question? Does the hurt subside when you have a plan in place (im sure it will never go but at what point do you move on and get excited -or does this happen)

 

[snd80]

I must say, we had had a tough week dealing with the reality, but I know we will get there.

For the Donor girls. I have a couple of basic questions (i mean really basic and probably silly)

A personal question? Does the hurt subside when you have a plan in place (im sure it will never go but at what point do you move on and get excited -or does this happen)

It still hurts knowing that I will never have my hubby's bio baby, but the excitement of having a baby period has begun to overcome those feelings. My hubby is even getting excited now, which in turn makes me even more excited! At first he was very apprehensive, more of a "you want it more than me, so I will do it just to make you happy", but now that time is getting closer, he is always talking about it, coming up w/ different names for it, wanting to collect valuable things to pass down to it, and now wanting to go ahead and buy a crib and start stocking up on diapers. (I put a hault on the crib and diapers for fear of jinxing things though.) Don't get me wrong, I still get sad and very bitter from time to time, but it comes and goes, and I figure it will continue until I do get pg.

 

[raelynn]

Good luck CM! Thinking of you!

Tiger-How are you holding up? Doing good here. Getting impatient! LOL! So ready for May to be here already!!!!!

Hope everyone else is having a great day!

Snd - I'm with you here! Time has never seemed to move so slow. I can't wait until May when we can get this show on the road!

 

[MJ73]

Apologies for just cutting and pasting from my journal, but would value your opinions girls ...

I'm really, really struggling girls - I think I need to go back onto my anti-depressants but am terrified of it causing a problem for any potential baby. Apparently, the one I'm on raises the risk of congenital heart defects from 1% to 2%. Plus it owuld mean I wouldn't be able to breastfeed.

I am very low right now, but what seems to be really bad is my anxiety. It's worse than it's ever been. In the past it has just reared up a bit when my depression is bad, but this time it is horrendous. Maybe I need anxiety medication, not anti-depressants - who knows?

The thing is, when my anxiety starts usually, it is an excessive worry about something that is going on in my life at that time - it's not pleasant but it's manageable.

The trouble is, at the moment, so many horrible things have happened that the excessive anxiety about them all is bordering on unmanageable.

My mum's not been well and has been having some tests - it's most likely nothing serious, but they're just having trouble getting to the bottom of it - I'm very worried about her.

Terry's friend dying in his sleep like that has made me think it can happen to any of us and is just frightening.

Our next door neighbours had an attempted break-in one evening when they were in the house just before christmas and I've just started getting over the anxiety of that and I wake up this morning to find a police care a few doors away - they targetted another neighbour last night, when they were all asleep upstairs - went stright over their security gate and forced the FRONT window. I don't know if they disturbed them or if they got in yet but now I'm terrified. We always thought Finn was a deterrent but they have a small dog too.

And when Terry's out driving with any work he does manage to get, I'm anxious about soemthing happening to him, especially when he's doing long distances.

I has made me anxious to be at home, anxious to be out of the house and I suddenly had this horrible thought come into my head when I was at work today that they might get in and do something horrible to finn. I was almost in tears at my desk at work and I can't get these thoughts and images out of my head.

It makes me feel, and probably sound, like I'm going mad

I guess I have to weight up the risks of being on medication with the prospect of going through IVF and maybe a pregnancy with this high level of anxiety

Oh Deb, I feel for you so much. I have struggled with depression & anxiety since my early 20s so know how tough it can be. Personally, I made sure that as I approached trying to get pregnant that I got a referral to a specialist psychiatrist (up until that point my GP had always managed it) to make sure that I was managing it as best I could. She was great & we decided that going through IVF is stressful/devastating enough without adding further depression & anxiety. (I think even people who previously have not struggled with depression/anxiety will likely have some problems when undergoing IVF). We agreed that basically me being medication free was not an option, so she took me off my previous meds (which were category D teratogenic) & put me on good 'ol Zoloft. I have had a few friends take this throughout pregnancy & I understand that it is reasonably safe. Whilst it may not be as good as the other meds I was on, it is doing a reasonable job at managing the worst of the depression & anxiety (I hate to think how I would be without them, this azoos path is tough!).

In the end, it is a decision that only you (& Terry) can make. All I know is that you sound like you are suffering here. I know that like us money is an issue, we spoke to our GP who gave us a referral to a free psych (Do they have those in the UK?) & she has been great. Glad you went & talked to your GP & you must follow the path of least regret for you. Please do not be too hard on yourself, this is such a normal thing to be struggling with, especially given all that you have had happen lately. Praying for your Mum too. Big

 

[MJ73]

CM, thinking of you today hun xx

 

[CanadianMaple]

I'm just heading to bed, but wanted to C&P an email I sent to a friend tonight. I'll be back for personals tomorrow.

Quick version:
He is concerned with my LH being high. Prolactin is borderline. Cycle day 3, 8 and 21 blood work to be done. If prolactin is high, I need it drawn 3 days in a row and a MRI.

Chris needs hormonal testing and genetic testing. The genetic test results take 4 months to come in. We have to wait for them before seeing the urologist. So, if the hormones are off, we can be pretty sure it's a production issue. If the genetic tests are off, they will not do IVF with us since he would pass the sterility onto his offspring. So, in late May, we will see the RE again and then wait 4 weeks to see the urologist.

They didn't even talk about IVF yet. We may not be candidates. If we do, the fall is the earliest we would have our ducks in a row.

She said the donor sperm is so common, she is sure we know someone conceived that way, we just don't know it. She said they do a ton of those.

So, we have a long wait ahead of us. I knew the first RE appointment would be bittersweet, but I didn't expect it to be so hard.

 

[snd80]

Well, this ball is fixing to start rolling hard on my end!

I called and made my appt. for 2/6 to talk to my local dr. about upping my metformin dose since I've seemed to have developed an immunity to my current dosage (my cycles and ov are going off track again) and get my referal for the hsg test, which should fall either the end of Feb or beginning of March (depending on how my cycle will be this next go round). I've read stories of the hsg test messing with your cycles the few months following.... so if all goes well, I should do my trial run with clomid and CD21 bloods in April and be ready for the actual IUI in May! I liked to have let time get away from me with everything else going on in my world! But I got this! Hopefully it will start making time fly by faster! Now to tackle this weight hard!!!!

The Special K Challenge is a challenge for sure!!! I stay so darn hungry!!!! It says you can fill up on fruits and veggies anytime you get hungry, but I get so hungry that I just eat and eat and eat on them, and then think "is this really helping?" I ate a half a bag of baby carrots yesterday in one sitting. No ranch with them, but still. I read that the Special K stuff is high in GI, and with this metformin, you are suppost to eat low GI foods, so maybe it is defeating the whole purpose?! Who knows! But something has got to give!

Hope everyone is having a good day!

 

[Deb111]

Wanbmum - I think that it's a stranger is exactly why it 'can' really help - as long as you feel at ease with the counsellor, I found it so much easier to talk to someone who was totally detached - you can be totally honest without feeling like you're blaming anyone or worrying people (I know I felt I couldn't be totally honest with how bad I was feeling even with my family because they would've been worried sick)

It's worth a try - mine was amazing!

 

[Deb111]

Thanks MJ - I'm feeling a little better today, but I am keeping an eye on things.

I sat down and thought about it last night and the one thing that has sent me into major panic is these break-ins and I guess that's fairly rational to an extent. I think the reason it's been so unbearable is because of everything else bubbling under the surface.

So we're busy getting proactive - we already have some lighting at the front, but we have had an LED security light and camera delivered today and I made an enquiry with our local neighbourhood police last night about neighbourhood watch and they called round today when I was at work, so I need to call them back and we're going to look at setting up a neighbourhood watch thing. People round here seem keen but it looks like any organising will come down to me. I really don't want anymore on my plate, but someone has to do it and from what they told Terry today, there is very little to do - they seem to do a lot of it. It will mainly be letting people know if the police inform me of asny issues in the local area and Terry can talk for England so I'll just send him round the houses

 

[snd80]

Thinking of SB today. Haven't seen her on here since her awful news. Hope she is doing well... if you are lurking quietly!

 

[Deb111]

I'm just heading to bed, but wanted to C&P an email I sent to a friend tonight. I'll be back for personals tomorrow.

Quick version:
He is concerned with my LH being high. Prolactin is borderline. Cycle day 3, 8 and 21 blood work to be done. If prolactin is high, I need it drawn 3 days in a row and a MRI.

Chris needs hormonal testing and genetic testing. The genetic test results take 4 months to come in. We have to wait for them before seeing the urologist. So, if the hormones are off, we can be pretty sure it's a production issue. If the genetic tests are off, they will not do IVF with us since he would pass the sterility onto his offspring. So, in late May, we will see the RE again and then wait 4 weeks to see the urologist.

They didn't even talk about IVF yet. We may not be candidates. If we do, the fall is the earliest we would have our ducks in a row.

She said the donor sperm is so common, she is sure we know someone conceived that way, we just don't know it. She said they do a ton of those.

So, we have a long wait ahead of us. I knew the first RE appointment would be bittersweet, but I didn't expect it to be so hard.

I think these appts often feel like one step forward and two steps back

Hopefully the prolcatin is nothing to worry about - hubby had that with one of his blood tests - it was about 5 times what it should have been if I remember rightly but 3 days later it was fine - it's affected a ot by any signs of stress apparently xx