just popped on to say thank you all so much for your lovely words.... you will never know how much it means. Today has been hard, i knew how it was going to play out, but i guess until you actually get that news, you don't realise the sledgehammer affect it has. it's like you've been blindsided, the air is knocked out of you, everything goes in that second.... all those dreams of holding a summer baby, those images i had in my head of martin cradling our baby, the joy on my parents face, how can it all go in a split second? I don't get it, I don't think I ever will.
Martin has gone to work, he's a goalkeeping coach and self-employed so he had to go even though he has taken today so badly, in some ways more than me because I had prepared myself, i'm a pessimistic and had many bad things happen to me, so i'm used to crap, he isn't, he's always happy, everyone loves him, i'm making him so so unhappy, and that's killing me. I also made such a show of myself in the epu, i was sobbing and shaking throughout the scan and started wailing in the waiting room while martin was trying to make another appointment and all the women just looked away, almost like i would be contagious... it was obvious what had happened, i felt like the poster girl for grief, how not to handle things with dignity. my god, i feel like i'm losing my mind.
Nato - i know i'm not a great advert for having a baby, but i think I am an example of how age is not always a barrier to getting pregnant, you are still so very young in comparison (that might not actually make you feel better, because I know at 44 I'm probably the exception rather than the rule!), but oh if only i could be where i am now at your age, with years, not months in front of me. I do think knowledge is power, get tested for all you can, keep at the SMEP, it will happen my lovely, I know you feel down right now, but each new cycle brings new hope eh. Is AF late now? Would you test again maybe?
I started to have 'that talk' with martin today, probably too soon, but I'm beginning to think I don't want to try again, he does, but he respects whatever i want to do, however if we stop, then I know our relationship is over, I can't 'choose' to make him childless, i love him too much to do that to him, I would let him go. Fuck it would kill me, but i'm feeling half dead already. bring it on. I wish I had asked for medical management today, does that make me terrible? I wish I had insisted, told the dr not to pacifiy me with platitudes, not put me into a week of limbo half life, i want to feel alive again.
In an ironic bout of fucking evil, my boobs are throbbing and i've had the worse bout of morning sickness today. I'm thinking I should stop the progresterone and it might bring it on naturally, i'm thinking I should stop the steroids, I'm thinking I should take a valium (i have a bottle mocking me in my bathroom cabinet), go on take me, you'll feel so lovely for a few hours, and my god you'll sleep, you haven't slept for 4 nights, think what it will feel like for your brain not to think for a few hours.... sweet lord i want to take it!
poor lilly allen, i cried for her today, i cried for all of us, for all our losses, six months... my god, i wouldn't survive, that poor poor girl. you then get holly willoughby smugly announcing it with that smugness you can only have when you haven't had a loss, her and myleene klass, jesus, i'm pleased for them, but my god, have a heart, don't shove it in our faces.... what am i becoming?
i know i'm not hiding the crazy very well today, i want to get so drunk but i can't, even if there's even a smidgen of some bloody miracle somewhere that a fetal pole and heartbeat could appear some time in the 7th week, i have to respect that. not so great on the smoking though... tobacco companies can rest easy that rachele has picked up 40 marlboro lites and knows how to use them.... i am a bad bad person with no self-discipline which is why maybe i'm in this fucking situation. god, they shoot horses don't they? could someone put me down please?
so sorry for rambling. Tomorrow is a new day... let's all smile! big hug to everyone going through worry or turmoil tonight, positivity to those going through doubt, prayers for our lost angels. x
