Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[LucyJ]

Sassy thank you sweetie I guess I was starting to feel like I was back to some kind of normality and felt prepared for AF its just hit me harder than I expected. Part of not wanting to go out is the worry that I may just burst into tears if it wasnt her 60th I wouldnt be going but feel I should I think I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Most of my family do understand its my brother and sil that I worry about the most as not sure whether they do he said to mum just after we lost our baby that we should come down and see them as holding the baby would make me feel better!!

Aww yogi I will take that hug and send you one back sorry your having a rough time it is so hard I know I'm going to get an invite to a friends baby shower and kind of dreading it but will deal with it when it arrives. Trying to stay positive and hopefull is so hard I was really positive this morning having my bloods done but tonight it all just hit me I suppose there are going to be days like that.

 

[heart tree]

Yogi, When that baby shower happens, you gracefully decline the invitation. Find a friend who isn't involved in this baby and make plans to go to a movie, museum get a manicure, or something else that will make you feel good. You are under no obligation to go to a baby shower. Just make yourself unavailable on that day.

You will feel positive again I promise. But there are always days and weeks like this too. They are unavoidable. You'll get through it though. We're here for you.

 

[LucyJ]

Sassy, that is very well put. Lucy, I echo everything Sassy just said. You have no reason to feel guilty. These feelings you are having may be hormonal, but more likely, they are the grief you are experiencing. Your loss was so recent. You haven't had the luxury of getting much distance from it. As we know, time helps, but you haven't had enough time yet. Your feelings are your feelings and there is no reason to have guilt override those feelings. Guilt, as I've said before, is rational a rational emotion when you have hurt someone. You haven't hurt someone. Just the opposite. You've been hurt deeply. You need to tend to your wounds and your grief. It's absolutely ok that you haven't seen your nephew yet. You will, in time.

Listen sweetie, you don't have to go anywhere tonight. You get to stay in and feel your feelings through and through. You may wake up tomorrow and feel better. You may just need to get this out of your system tonight. Even if you don't feel better, I agree with Sassy. Sometimes even when I don't want to go do something, I end up having a good time regardless. That being said, I've also skipped things too. I'm guessing it might be hard to get out of going to Steve's mom's 60th birthday party. But could you ask Steve if you could leave early? Make sure to have a glass of wine at least. I've also found that getting dressed up and looking drop dead gorgeous helps, even when I feel like crap inside.

Also, might I suggest that you do call your mom. You clearly need her. My mother always tells me to call no matter what. She wants to know the good and the bad. When I'm really crying, I often call her. There isn't much she can do but tell me she loves me. A mother's love is enough to help.

And you're right, you should have a baby AND you should be pregnant right now. It simply isn't fair. I'm thinking about you. xoxo

Thank you amanda. Steve's been great he said obviously he will go whatever which is fine wouldnt expect him to miss it but he said if I didnt feel up to it he and his mum would understand. Its a bit hard to leave early as we're staying at his brothers but I'm sure we could sort something out. Normally I would call my mum but I know she feels bad that she hasnt been down (only because she had major knee surgery and couldn't walk let alone drive!!). We're going home next weekend which I am so looking forward to just need a big hug from her.

I know your right that I shouldnt feel guilty and I need to let my emotions out allow myself to feel what I'm feeling.

Thank you for your support it means alot to have you lovely ladies to talk to.

 

[yogi77]

Thanks ladies...I really don't know what I'd do without you. my pregnant friend that I was just talking about just "stopped by" to drop off some books she'd borrowed ages ago...she has an absolutely huge belly and told me that I can't avoid her and I told her it's hard and she said she understood but that I shouldn't avoid seeing her...UGH it was horrible to look at her huge belly and I started bawling and then she said she had to go! I was left alone and collapsed on the kitchen floor with my dog licking the tears off my face...talk about a complete low. Gutted. I can't stop crying.

 

[heart tree]

Shit Yogi, your friend just doesn't get it. Damn. I'm so sick of people not understanding. I'm so so so sorry love. Clearly if she understood she wouldn't have pressured you the way she did. Write down what you might say to her the next time she says something like that to you. That way you can be prepared. The only way she'll truly understand is if you explain it to her. (and even then she might not truly understand).

 

[LucyJ]

Aww yogi I am so sorry it doesn't sound like your friend does understand maybe when you feel stronger try and talk to her or write her a letter to you

 

[yogi77]

Ahh Yogi I'm so sorry your having a bad week, no doubt it's all building up because your dreading the shower! Could you pretend you internet went down?? I would be tempted!

Does the jeaousky ever go?? I'm still sickenly jealous of all my preggo friends and the ones who have children, perhaps it never goes!!

I promise all these bad times will be forgotten when your pregnant with your forever baby and it will happen I know it will, I totally understand your comment of your life being on hold I think we are all guilty of that.xxxxx

Thanks Sassy...I don't have Skype anyways so I have a good excuse...but I still can't stop thinking about it and it's all anyone in the family talks about right now.

Wow, it's been 3 months since my MC and I think this is the lowest I've felt yet. I'm so sick of it, I just want my life back.

 

[vickyd]

Luce and Yogi i wish i could give you both a huge hug...

Luce, the others have pretty covered it but im just reminding you that you are entitled to stay at home and avoid any social events until you feel strong enough to go. Noone will think badly of you and you need to put yourself first.

Yogi, your friend reminds me of one of my best(ex) mates...We were pregnant together with our 22 week scans a couple days apart. When we had to let our baby go i just couldnt be around her. I told her it was hard for me looking at her but she never understood. We drifted apart, and she hasnt even called once since. People who havent gone through our pain will never understand, heck most days our husbands dont even get it....

 

[MinnieMone]

Ah yogi, that is so so crap, bless your dog for giving you doggy kisses tho'.

Lucy - sending you a big hug, cry if you need to, do whatever you need to do, and please don't feel guilty, you are getting through the best you can. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

 

[Allie84]

Hello ladies. I'm delirious from a day's work on 3 hours sleep (I used to be able to do that fine a few years ago), but it was soooo worith it, I loved Harry Potter! Megg, I have to disagree at there being any slow parts, I thought it whizzed by. I can't wait to go again!

Lucy and Yogi, massive to you both. It appears we all go through some common emotions and situations, which are evidence that what we're feeling is totally normal. For example,I had that sinking feeling today when a colleague brought in her one week old baby boy and I looked at the little fella. I just loved him, but it made me fee sad, as well. I have THREE people in my life due around the time I was due and they're all getting ready to pop. I am genuinely happy for them but sometimes I get jealous, a bit mopey.

Yogi, although your friend means well, I don't feel her impromtu visit was good timing at all. Crying and letting it all out was probably a good catharsis. It WILL happen for you, but in the meantime, there will be good days and bad days, like all of us on here have. We're always here for you!

Lucy, I think you've been given some great advice from the girls on here about your MILs party. I think you should see how you feel tomorrow and then decide. It's a new day. But also, you have to do what's best for you right now, and please don't feel guilty, as you have nothing to feel guilty about (I know easier said than done).

I also had a bunch of blood drawn today. You said you don't mind blood tests but I actually started to feel faint today! Normally I don't mind but after he poked me he was sitting there forever drawing blood, viles and viles full. I hope we both get our results soon and they are good!

Welcome back, CJ!

Megg, I've been reading your posts over and over but I think it's my exhaustion as I can't seem to form a coherent thought regarding them. It sounds like so much to think about and such a decision. When do you have to let them know? Are they allowed to sway you towards a particular number? Good luck my lady. I really admire you.

Congrats on the 3+, Amy. That's wonderful you've passed the milestone from your MC.

Sugar and Megg, my thyroid is around yours- 3.16 or 3.25- and just like your doctors, I can't get any of mine to care either! Not my primary, endo, or gyno. Maybe we shouldn't worry, they are the doctors after all? But then I got a private message from someone on here I don't know or asked, telling me I should get it to between 1-2 if I don't want more miscarriages. Good grief, I don't know what to think, you know?

Cesca, that sounds like a fun weekend and clever idea. Have a good time.

I'm just off to have a quick nap and then going to see Bye Bye Birdie later tonight.

 

[heart tree]

People who havent gone through our pain will never understand, heck most days our husbands dont even get it....

This is so true Vicky. A bunch of my childhood friends and I are all still close. We all live in different states and don't see each other often. One of them called me the other day to tell me she's pregnant. She has a 5 year old as well. She is divorced and getting remarried. Life has been tough for her. She wrote an email to the group to give us the update that she's having a boy. She wanted to know what was happening in our lives. I wrote back saying life was hard. I told them I didn't want to sugar coat anything. I told them all about my diagnosis AND I also mentioned that it was the anniversary of my step-father's death (they all knew him well.)

They all wrote back telling me to stay strong and to be positive and to look at the bright side of things. None of them have ever called me or sent a card after my mcs. Two of the women have kids. They were telling me to be thankful for my family and friends and health. I felt so misunderstood. I'm really irritated by people I used to look to for support.

THEY.JUST. DON'T. GET. IT.

 

[vickyd]

Hearty i find that friends who have kids,who you would expect to relate to the loss of a child, actually are the ones who are the least supportive. Maybe they think that since we havent held them then it shouldnt hurt??....Who knows...Im so beyond expecting anything from anyone.

 

[heart tree]

Yeah it is a strange phenomenon. I know I need to let it go but I just feel like yelling at all of them and telling them to get a clue. It amazes me that women who have had babies can't relate to how horrific it must be to lose a pregnancy.

 

[Sparkly]

Hugs all 'round needed tonight. It is very true, they just don't have a clue. I had a lot of sympathy for women who had lost a baby, but until I had experienced it myself I had absolutely no idea how truly devastating it is. It is the worst experience of my life, you ladies on here who have had multiple losses amaze me everyday with your strength. xxx

 

[heart tree]

I’m going back to some older posts.

Megg, I honestly think I would go for 2 or 3. I would just want as much a chance as possible to have one baby and the more, the better in my mind. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind which is good. That’s half the battle.

Jenny, it’s wonderful that your body ovulated so soon! I don’t think I ovulated the first cycle after any of my mcs. I think your chart looks good. Don’t give up hope yet!

Cesca, the party sounds like fun. Can we see pictures of Rainbow Brite and Rambo? No plans for me. Just getting ready to host a big Thanksgiving dinner at my house next Thursday. I’m planning my menu and buying serving bowls, napkins and table cloths.

Amy, YAY on the +3!!! We don’t have those tests in the US and I’ve always been envious of them. Can’t wait for your scan!

Lucy, I’m glad you got so many bloods taken. This is a step in the right direction.

Sugar, I’m glad you are seeing a FS on Monday. Of course you are nervous, but I bet you’ll have a better plan once you’ve talked to an expert. I don’t know about thyroid levels, but from what I’ve read on this thread, you are on the higher end of borderline.

Mone, I’m super glad you slept in. You needed it! I hate being lazy too, but sometimes it has to happen. Today I had a day off from work. It is pouring rain today. I did a little shopping in the morning and the rest of the day I watched movies! And made popcorn! It was heavenly. Tonight, I’m going to watch another movie. I watched Whip It with Ellen Page about roller derby and Sunshine Cleaning with Amy Adams and Emily Blunt. They were both cute and perfect for a rainy day.

Sparkly, I still don’t have a high on my CBFM and my OPK was negative. However, I had the most ewcm I’ve ever had in my life today! I felt like taking a picture of it LOL! Disgusting I know, but I was just so proud. I know hormones produce ewcm, specifically estrogen. I also know my hormones are off. So maybe the Femara helped kick them into place. I’m really hoping to get a high in the next few days.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. xoxo

 

[Sparkly]

Sparkly, I still don’t have a high on my CBFM and my OPK was negative. However, I had the most ewcm I’ve ever had in my life today! I felt like taking a picture of it LOL! Disgusting I know, but I was just so proud. I know hormones produce ewcm, specifically estrogen. I also know my hormones are off. So maybe the Femara helped kick them into place. I’m really hoping to get a high in the next few days.

woo hoo for ewcm Hearty I'm soo jelaous, I have not a single drop! i just got a peak reading on my cbfm, but no +opk as of yet. This happened last cycle I got a peak on the Saturday, but didn't ov according to FF until Monday. So i'm taking it in my stride, the stick looked nearly peak and probably will be tonight or tomorrow, I will keep poas and keep you informed lol!

 

[jenny25]

hey guys since yesterday i have been having ovary pains and dull ache above my pubic bone to the left of the centre of my c section scar does anyone else get this? x

 

[Sparkly]

I do get that Jenny, I put it down to ovulation pains, and my cervix opening, I can feel everything that goes on in my body....too much experience lol!

 

[jenny25]

the thing is tho i have already ovulated xx

 

[Megg33k]

Megg that makes it much clearer thanks, but also now see even more the dilemma of the decision. This is a really dumb question but do the eggs all develop at the same rate? and if so can they see which are better quality than the others at any time during the process. I'm sure they always put the most 'viable' ones in, but can they interpret in anyway which ones would look more likely to develop in blastocysts. I can see now how the 'waiting game' could then result in them all failing, but if they did, would it mean that they would have failed anyway, or would they maybe of had a chance if put in earlier?

From what you say above Day 3 looks the best chance or the safest bet of having as well developed as possible and a good chance of implanting. Can they only implant them for you if they get to Day 5 (forget what it's called Megg, but I was so amazed in your earlier post when you said they can do that). I guess the best result would be lots of eggs to choose and then freeze some for any future siblings, fingers crossed for that Megg.

I totally see now how couples going through IVF say it is so stressful, not only to you have to go through all the physical stuff but emotionally it must be a rollercoaster.

Admire you hun how you are dealing with it all.

They don't all develop at the same rate. Some develop slower or faster. If watched closely, some develop in an abnormal pattern. They can get an idea of how well one might do over another as the days pass. As far as the possibility of a 3 day embryo that wouldn't make it to 5 day blast having a chance... Yes, technically there is a chance. The womb is a very different environment and you never know what will happen once its inside. The problem with 3 day embryos is that there is no way to know if they'll be viable to become a blastocyst and implant if they are transfered. The goal is always to get to day 5... The success rate with day 5 blastocysts is WAY higher than with day 3 embryos. Yes, they can only do the assisted hatching with a day 5 blastocyst. An embryo must become a blastocyst before it can hatch... So, they can't assist an embryo in hatching, as it must keep growing before it has a chance. Day 5 is always preferred.

If you're gathering that this decision process sucks, you're totally right! The optimal number of eggs is about 12. That's about as many as most women can produce whilst maintaining high quality. They don't want estrogen to go over a certain limit, and that estrogen gets equally spread to all the developing eggs. So, the more eggs, the less each is getting for development. Generally, 70-85% of the eggs will fertilize. So, 8-10 embryos. Some will make it to day 5 and others won't. You will lose some each day, usually. But, the ones that don't make it early on are the ones that wouldn't have become a viable pregnancy. Its all really difficult. There's also embryo quality even beyond this... and even I don't know much about how that's rated. Its so confusing.

Thank you for the kind words. Its really hard some days. But each day seems better than the one before right now.

Having a moment can't keep crying I know a lot of it is to do with my hormones I just feel horrid. I'm in pain but not bleeding much its still light so I know that will kick in eventually. Steves out at a charity thing he stepped in at the last minute so I'm on my own. We're meant to go out tomorrow night for his mum's 60th birthday we're all going for a meal and I really dont want to go and feel guilty for feeling like that I love steves mum but just the thought of having to get all dressed up and being in a resturant in pain and homonal fills me with dread add to that that I want to see my mum I feel like a reack. Why I'm on the subject of feeling guilty I feel so guilty for not seeing my baby nephew havnt met him yet we had planned to do down in Oct after our scan but then I lost the baby and didnt feel stronge enough to see him or them I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. I shouldnt even be having a fucking period I should be over 12 weeks pregnant in fact screw that I should have my baby in my arms. God I feel like a wreak I can't call steve and I dont want to call my mum as I know I'll worry her if she hears me like this I literally cant stop the tears (most of which I'm sure is the hormones)

Sorry for such a self indulgent post I will try and pull myself together.

You have every right to feel this way... And, you have every right to refuse an outing if you don't feel up to it. You've had a lot of heartache, and you shouldn't be forced to move any faster than you feel you can. Its nothing to be ashamed of!

awww Lucy I'm so sorry you're feeling like this...I wish I could give you a big hug

You are not alone though, I have been having a really bad week too...I feel so alone, sad, jealous, angry...My SIL's baby shower is on Monday (it's a "Skype" shower put on by my DH's family because we all live all over the country)...we were 2 months apart and it's gut wrenching. We don't have Skype yet anyways but it's still all anyone is talking about right now and I even received an invite in the mail...uugghh. Also got an invite to join a good friends "baby pool" the other day on FB and had to delete it so that it stopped showing up on my main page. We were also 2 months apart. I don't know what I'm going to do when it comes time for her shower.

This has been a horrible week for me for some reason, I was feeling so positive last month and all that positivity is gone and I feel like it's never going to happen...my entire life is in hold waiting for this.

Same for you... Don't do more than you can! Take your time to heal. Your health and well-being is the most important thing for you to protect!

Thanks ladies...I really don't know what I'd do without you. my pregnant friend that I was just talking about just "stopped by" to drop off some books she'd borrowed ages ago...she has an absolutely huge belly and told me that I can't avoid her and I told her it's hard and she said she understood but that I shouldn't avoid seeing her...UGH it was horrible to look at her huge belly and I started bawling and then she said she had to go! I was left alone and collapsed on the kitchen floor with my dog licking the tears off my face...talk about a complete low. Gutted. I can't stop crying.

Your friend's behavior is appalling. No "friend" should ever make you feel that way and then just leave you to sob uncontrollably on the floor. I'm so sad to say that I know the exact pain you're describing. In fact, reading that... I can feel it in my gut all over again. Its that pain where you can't even stop crying long enough to get a real breath. It feels like you're just die from suffocation because it hurts to bad to breathe. And, you don't know where the air keeps coming from to keep you alive or conscious. But, the world is too cruel to just let you pass out until the hurting stops. Its like your insides are fucking screaming because you can't stop the whole in your heart from aching anymore... like its opening up and swallowing you whole. In that moment, there is NOTHING you wouldn't do to stop the pain and just feel joy again. Anything in the world if you could just heal and be well... and stop your heart from breaking anymore than it already has... especially since you didn't even know that something so broken would even be able to break any further.

When I say that I'm positive right up until I'm not... This is what happens to me. I'm fine... and then it hits me and its uncontrollable. I know that pain, and I wish no one ever had to feel it ever again! I'm so sorry she was so pushy and insensitive. That's horrific. You can avoid anyone you want... And, its perfectly understandable that she's the one you'd choose right now!

Hello ladies. I'm delirious from a day's work on 3 hours sleep (I used to be able to do that fine a few years ago), but it was soooo worith it, I loved Harry Potter! Megg, I have to disagree at there being any slow parts, I thought it whizzed by. I can't wait to go again!

Lucy and Yogi, massive to you both. It appears we all go through some common emotions and situations, which are evidence that what we're feeling is totally normal. For example,I had that sinking feeling today when a colleague brought in her one week old baby boy and I looked at the little fella. I just loved him, but it made me fee sad, as well. I have THREE people in my life due around the time I was due and they're all getting ready to pop. I am genuinely happy for them but sometimes I get jealous, a bit mopey.

Yogi, although your friend means well, I don't feel her impromtu visit was good timing at all. Crying and letting it all out was probably a good catharsis. It WILL happen for you, but in the meantime, there will be good days and bad days, like all of us on here have. We're always here for you!

Lucy, I think you've been given some great advice from the girls on here about your MILs party. I think you should see how you feel tomorrow and then decide. It's a new day. But also, you have to do what's best for you right now, and please don't feel guilty, as you have nothing to feel guilty about (I know easier said than done).

I also had a bunch of blood drawn today. You said you don't mind blood tests but I actually started to feel faint today! Normally I don't mind but after he poked me he was sitting there forever drawing blood, viles and viles full. I hope we both get our results soon and they are good!

Welcome back, CJ!

Megg, I've been reading your posts over and over but I think it's my exhaustion as I can't seem to form a coherent thought regarding them. It sounds like so much to think about and such a decision. When do you have to let them know? Are they allowed to sway you towards a particular number? Good luck my lady. I really admire you.

Congrats on the 3+, Amy. That's wonderful you've passed the milestone from your MC.

Sugar and Megg, my thyroid is around yours- 3.16 or 3.25- and just like your doctors, I can't get any of mine to care either! Not my primary, endo, or gyno. Maybe we shouldn't worry, they are the doctors after all? But then I got a private message from someone on here I don't know or asked, telling me I should get it to between 1-2 if I don't want more miscarriages. Good grief, I don't know what to think, you know?

Cesca, that sounds like a fun weekend and clever idea. Have a good time.

I'm just off to have a quick nap and then going to see Bye Bye Birdie later tonight.

I thought the parts in the woods got a bit drawn out sometimes. There was a lot of camping that felt unnecessary to me! LOL But, I definitely can't wait to see it again!

They might be allowed to sway me toward a specific #. I'm not sure yet. They don't talk about the upcoming phases of the cycle until close to that time. I'm not there yet, so I won't know until the time is really upon us.

Wow! That's a bit overboard to tell you it had to be 1-2 in order to avoid further MC's. I don't think that's true at all. I mean, its possible, but its not necessarily the case. I'm seeing a FS with 30 years experience, and he wouldn't dream of doing my IVF if he thought my TSH would cause a MC. I don't know what to think. Google is scary when it comes to TSH. It all seems to suggest that levels above 1-2 are going to always end in heartache. But, I have a very hard time believing that no one living with TSH higher than 2 has ever had a successful pregnancy. Many, many women don't have it checked and probably never knew if their level was a bit out. So, I don't have an answer. I'm hoping my FS wouldn't let me do this if it would end in MC because my TSH is ~3.

I’m going back to some older posts.

Megg, I honestly think I would go for 2 or 3. I would just want as much a chance as possible to have one baby and the more, the better in my mind. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind which is good. That’s half the battle.

Jenny, it’s wonderful that your body ovulated so soon! I don’t think I ovulated the first cycle after any of my mcs. I think your chart looks good. Don’t give up hope yet!

Cesca, the party sounds like fun. Can we see pictures of Rainbow Brite and Rambo? No plans for me. Just getting ready to host a big Thanksgiving dinner at my house next Thursday. I’m planning my menu and buying serving bowls, napkins and table cloths.

Amy, YAY on the +3!!! We don’t have those tests in the US and I’ve always been envious of them. Can’t wait for your scan!

Lucy, I’m glad you got so many bloods taken. This is a step in the right direction.

Sugar, I’m glad you are seeing a FS on Monday. Of course you are nervous, but I bet you’ll have a better plan once you’ve talked to an expert. I don’t know about thyroid levels, but from what I’ve read on this thread, you are on the higher end of borderline.

Mone, I’m super glad you slept in. You needed it! I hate being lazy too, but sometimes it has to happen. Today I had a day off from work. It is pouring rain today. I did a little shopping in the morning and the rest of the day I watched movies! And made popcorn! It was heavenly. Tonight, I’m going to watch another movie. I watched Whip It with Ellen Page about roller derby and Sunshine Cleaning with Amy Adams and Emily Blunt. They were both cute and perfect for a rainy day.

Sparkly, I still don’t have a high on my CBFM and my OPK was negative. However, I had the most ewcm I’ve ever had in my life today! I felt like taking a picture of it LOL! Disgusting I know, but I was just so proud. I know hormones produce ewcm, specifically estrogen. I also know my hormones are off. So maybe the Femara helped kick them into place. I’m really hoping to get a high in the next few days.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. xoxo

I agree... 2 or 3 is definitely the answer I'm looking at. I just don't know which for sure. I'm really leaning toward 3. With such low odds (3-4%) of having triplets from it, I have a hard time seeing the down side. It might raise my odds of twins to 50%, but that's something we've considered and are willing to risk. I really think I'd prefer only 1 at a time, as 2 would be a great deal of work. But, I'd happily take 2 if that's what was the hand I was dealt. Obviously, 2 is infinitely better than 0... I just hope I have the option of at least 3 strong ones to have put back.