Donor Sperm IUI/IVF- 2012

[Guenhwyvar]

Raelynn: Come on AF!!! Good luck!

Hi guys,

It's a bfn for me after 2nd diui!

Is it ever going to happen?

I'm so sorry WANB. Don't give up.

I asked my clinic to call me back yesterday. I made the mistake about telling the receptionist it was about the Hep C testing. I'm sure they will avoid me again because they don't know anything about it there. I really want to see if they will let me still cycle. My family doctor told me the odds of me getting it is really low, and the odds of me getting it and then spreading it to a baby is even lower. It seems so unfair that we have to stop because of this.

I'm completely ignorant to the whole Hep stuff but I would that now you are aware that there is the possibility that you'll be able to take the necessary precautions for when you do get pregnant. I'm with MrsC, see if your gyno or GP will do a dIUI you. Keep us update. We're all here cheering for you.

Any of you ladies struggle with the concept of donor sperm? I'm finding myself stuck- lately I just feel like I am taking a few steps backwards. I just need to bite the bullet and call my dr to refer us to donor sperm or whatever the process is. I keep thinking about the pros and cons of using donor sperm vs asking someone I know. But then again, asking someone I know would be wrong ethically, and very unfair to both Zach and me. So donor sperm (from a stranger) would be best option, right? But the part that makes me nervous is not knowing how much more information we'd have on the donor (beyond medical history and whether the child is allowed to look them up). I don't even know if I want the child to be able to find his or her donor when they're old enough. Just can't win, can we?

Like all the others said, it's a very personal decision and I think where you are in your journey greatly affects your feelings and outlook on the situation. DH and I started our fertility journey 10 years ago and back then donor sperm completely off the table for us. DH was 100% not ok with it and I was very uncomfortable as well. We did countless TESE, a round of IVF ICSI. We even tried to adopt twice. After the last failed adoption which happened while I was in the hospital recovering from a laposcopy where they discovered I had endometriosis. We decided that we couldn't wait for a baby to fall from the sky anymore. I found a sperm bank and a donor I really liked and talked to DH about it. He decided that he wanted to ask his best friend first. For some people his would be EXTREMELY weird but for where we were in life and who DH wanted to ask it was comfortable, right. I think since we're dealing with the male factor it needs to be mostly their choice. There great benefits to both anonymous/open & known. The great part about what we've chosen is that if heaven forbid something were to ever happen and we needed biological relatives, we'd have them in an instant. That for me is extremely important as I know a family in that exact situation and we can all feel their pain of watching their child die while so desperately trying to find a genetic match.
Sorry for the long post, hopefully I've helped represent the "known" category out there more then the "mad ramblers"

 

[deafgal01]

All of you have provided very valuable input to the topic of donor sperms. Thanks all of you. I've finally ordered myself a copy of Helping the stork. I figured it'd not hurt to peek thru the book. I cannot wait for the book to arrive next week. So excited.

I will have to sit down with hubby this weekend and have a serious heart to heart talk. He said the ball's in my court so we'll move as quickly (or slow) as I want. But like we all know, this is not a job for one... It takes two to tango so I'd like to hear his feelings and input on the topic if he has any new thoughts that came up that I might not know about or whatever. I guess the obvious thing is for me to try to let go of my "need to control" and put in a call to the dr to get the ball rolling in terms of finding out what we need to do or where to go from here for the donor sperm route. One thing we do need to discuss- is whether we want or not for the donor to be open for child to contact later if the child's interested in knowing their donor once they come of age. I think for me, it'd be better if the donor wanted to be anonymous- but then again, I'm not quite sure yet because all kids like to know where their genes come from even when they've been adopted (or donated). I definitely will not be moving forward anytime soon - at least until I get used to the idea of using donor sperm and have all my questions answered.

Good luck to all the ladies trying this cycle. Hope you get your long-awaited bfps.

 

[raelynn]

I'm currently working my way through Helping the Stork too. It definitely helps to bring some things to light that we haven't thought about in depth yet - like when or even if to tell the child. I always figured we would tell them but after reading that section of the book I can see both sides. Tough stuff!! I thought we would tell any resulting children early on so it wasn't that big of a deal but the book points out that a young child has no concept of privacy and could just blurt it out to anyone. Now, I'm not so sure earlier is better.

 

[deafgal01]

Rae- is it possible to tell the child once he or she is able to "keep secrets" unless family members and friends already know? It is a hard choice to know when the right time is to tell anyone... Do they have a children's book on this topic? Probably not yet...

 

[silverbell]

We've decided we're not going to care if a child blurts anything out, as we've nothing to be ashamed of and if other people can't deal with it then that's their problem. Again though, I do realise and understand that every couple are different and not everybody is going to feel this way. Plus we wouldn't come out and tell a young child about sperm - we would say something age-appropriate like we had had some help with making them. As they get older you can change what you say depending on their maturity. I've read that most sperm donor children (and indeed parents) really don't make that much of a deal about it and don't go on about it all the time. My DH and I plan to remind the child every birthday to thank the man who helped bring them into this world and made mommy and daddy very happy and excited to get the chance to have them. We thought that would be a nice thing to do and would mean we're not hiding it, but we're not talking about it 24/7 either.

There are children's books about telling them! I started crying when I read an extract from one of them - it's just so sweet and we'd not long found out about DH so I guess I was very emotional anyway.

Go here for more info on books (visit 'library) and lots of really interesting articles including accounts from those who are donor conceived:

https://www.donor-conception-network.org/

 

[raelynn]

Silverbell - I think the birthday thing is a great idea!

I'm not so much worried about our (hubby and my) privacy but more the child. I feel like I'd want to give them the choice of who they tell (our parents already know). I've just been reading up and don't want them to go blurting something out and then later end up getting made fun of or picked on because they're "different". Kids can be so cruel sometimes! But, I'm thinking maybe wait until they're a bit older - maybe 8, 9, 10 so they understand the concept of their choice of who to tell a bit better and not make a big deal out of it so it doesn't seem like some crazy secret, which it isn't. How do adoptive parents do this?? I'm sure they go through the same thing.

 

[deafgal01]

Rae- that's a very good question- how do adoptive parents do this?

SB- love that birthday idea... Definitely something to think about...

 

[WANBMUM]

Hi Gals, Hope y'all are good

I am doing ok, I've had a couple of down days, but I'm dusting myself off and trying to get myself positive for round 3.

Deafgal, I just wanted to add another point that heped me come to terms with donor sperm. You know the way us girls, want nothing more than our gorgeous hubby's babies, we want nothing more in the world? My hubby said he wanted the reverse of this. This really helped me understand when he said he would be so happy that we are having 'my' baby. We also get to experience pregnancy, he gets to be there right from the start, all the way through.
Deciding on anonymous/non anonymous really is a hard decision. We decided on non-anonymous, but as it turned out all of our donors who were non anon, were CMV positive, so we had no choice but go for anonymous. I still have slight doubts about this, even though it wasnt our decision in the end. I don't think we fully know what/how we are going to tell our child. Ideally, we would love to pretend, but we know that is not right, we know it is right to tell them from a young age and that is our plan, to do that. My concerns are, only our parents know, do we then have to tell the rest of the family.
I think alot of these decisions will be made along our journey, whatever feels right.
WOW, I still get shocked that this is our reality, would I ever have thought that this would be a road we would be on, it feels surreal!
I hope you all have a lovely weekend

 

[CanadianMaple]

I just popped by to see how everyone is. We're doing okay, we have no choice to wait and see. I hope more than anything that he doesn't have Hep C. If he does, the treatment is like being on chemo and gives about an 80% chance of being cured, depending on what genotype he has. I just hope we don't have to face that. He has no idea, he doesn't want to read about it until he has to.

About the donor sperm; we felt like we had to do open ID. From the research we did and from what the psychologist said, it seems like most do better knowing they have the choice to find their donor. They don't have to, but it's not a closed door. I know my stepsister was born from a man who was a one night stand to my stepmom when she was 19. The guy never owned up to it and my stepmom moved on and got back together when an ex and they raised her and two other kids together. Stephanie, to this day says she feels like there is a piece missing. The unknowns are tough on her, especially since she has kids now.

But, I know it's totally personal and as a whole, people are faced with issues everyday that they overcome Look at us.

I do still have fears about the donor sperm, but when I look at the end result, I know it's totally worth it. I think I am more nervous about the lead up to it instead of the actual thing. It's hard not to see an adult picture, but at the same point in time, I won't always be looking at the child for those features.

That reminds me, I should cut and paste what I wrote out after seeing the IF psych about donor sperm last spring. I didn't agree with everything he said, but it may help someone reading it.

Here it is:

I'm home now.

The guy was fantastic. He told us that when we tell the people we want to tell, we have to stress to them that we need to protect the child from hearing something before we tell him or her. When you tell family that, they will likely protect that information more than they would without the focus being on the child. It made total sense. We don't owe anyone the information, no matter how supportive they have been thus far. We can tell them our fertility treatments worked or that we found sperm (not saying where since most assume we would mean it was his.)

When it comes to a child being confused/resentful to not knowing their donor's history, some children that struggle because they will often have other issues at play. The articles Chris had read were things that Dr. Phil and Oprah love to gobble up. The majority of children from D.S. are well adjusted and know that their being here is not due to a perceived rejection like a small amount of adopted kids feel (if adoption conversations are not approached positively). They know from the beginning how wanted they were and that someone out there decided to help us become their parents. It takes a group effort to conceive a baby with donor egg or sperm and someone was generous to help us out for whatever his motivation was. (He was not knocking adoption at all, just talking about those you read about who struggle with their identity that seem to get gobbled up by the media or are blogging about it.--Chris seemed to be finding a lot of negative stories of disgruntled children of donors who felt like they were ripped off of knowing half of their identity.)

He said that often when people tell their children about being from a donor, it is often spurred by something that is seen on a TV show that brings up how different families are and you will find the perfect opportunity to share some info bit by bit so it's a non issue before they get to a certain age. You will know when the time is right and if you do it young enough, there is no shock. It just is what it is. There is no perfect age, it depends on the kid.

He was careful to say that the sperm donor is a donor and not the father. He said that regardless, Chris is the dad. The donor gave away his gametes and that's it.

He also said how the child will take after Chris in some ways. Some of the mannerisms, the way he speaks, the kind of character the child has comes from both parents. We talked a bit about Jack and how he is who Jack identifies with as his father, even though he has a bio father out there somewhere. There wouldn't be that man lurking in the background.

He told us that when we get pregnant, we should consider celebrating it with family as soon as we are comfortable. He believes that after facing IF, it's a huge victory and we have waited long enough. He said that if heaven forbid, something happened to the pregnancy (same risk as any pregnancy) we would appreciate our family's support. You know, I waited 13 weeks before telling about Jack, and I think I would tell people sooner in our situation. He said not to focus on the donor while pregnant unless one of us is struggling with the aspect. He said it will be normal to feel anxiety about it every now and then, but to talk about it and then go back to enjoying the pregnancy. He said that if we focus on it, we will take away from the joy and let feelings about having a 3rd party still involved through what should be just the two of us at that point.

He cautioned finding out too much about the donor right away. He said to think about how much we really wanted to know about him. Did we want to know everything? Would we expect our child to be a PhD type of student if we knew the donor was one? Do we want to know that he liked playing poker, was a star soccer player and liked crossword puzzles? That his favourite colour was blue and his favourite band was Nickleback? If the child knew a lot at at young age, would they try to become who their donor was to identify with him? Would we want pictures and loads of information about him? Would we be looking for those features in the child even if they could have come from my side? I kind of get what he was saying, we find we do that about Jack sometimes. We know Jack has Dean's eyebrows and sometimes see some of his looks in him. We wonder sometimes if Jack is starting to look more like Dean, will he have some of Dean's traits, etc...

He also suggested holding on to a donor's profile for a month and then seeing if we were still comfortable. Think about what characteristics you really needed. But do you need them to match everything on your list? Pick the biggies (health, features like Chris's) and stick with those.

It's a lot of think about, but Chris came out wanting to just go straight to donor sperm. He's really unsure if he wants to go through the TESE and IVF if our chances are low. He wants to be able to live comfortably and have our baby. We will know more after seeing the urologist on May 10. Depending on his suggestions, the odds and costs, we may opt to go straight to diui. We could possibly do that and still carry with the goals we had set when we thought we could have a baby for free. It could happen faster. Or, we will go into IVF knowing that we will always have a Plan B that we are comfortable with. That we have control either way. I'm pretty excited regardless. It's nice to know that Chris is totally at peace with using a donor. I will be at peace once we know the whole story about what the urologist says.

I know what I have typed didn't quite capture what he said. He's French so some things were lost in translation so I can clarify some of his thoughts. He was very positive, told us that he does all the counseling for donor sperm for the clinic and there are a lot of us out there.


I forgot to answer your question MrsC- It takes about 6 months to get into a gyn around here, your family doctor has to refer you and it's a wait. I'm pretty sure they don't even do fertility stuff, just the clinic from what I understand.

 

[CanadianMaple]

Oops, I didn't mean to be a thread killer!

 

[raelynn]

No, Canadian. I think that was very helpful, especially since we're going to see the social worker next week. We're trying to order our donor vials tonight but this whole process is stressful!!

 

[CanadianMaple]

It is so stressful. The worst part of this journey is the waiting, then moving ahead expecting smooth sailing and then waiting again.

 

[CanadianMaple]

DH is Hep C NEGATIVE. Now we have to wait for the AF that has been MIA since I stopped the pill and then start the pill again.

 

[silverbell]

DH is Hep C NEGATIVE. Now we have to wait for the AF that has been MIA since I stopped the pill and then start the pill again.

I couldn't be more pleased for you, CM. Wonderful, wonderful news

Come on !

---

Sorry I've not been about much lately, guys. Just felt a bit down and have mostly stuck to my own journal. Sometimes I find it so difficult to visit other journals and threads. I'm sure you've all been there.

I'm on my 5th DIUI 2ww now ... and honestly have lost hope. I hate infertility with a passion.

Sending lots of and to you all.

 

[Stardust1]

That's amazing news CM so happy for you and your DH, what an amazing relief x x

 

[MrsC8776]

Canadian~ I'm so happy for you and your DH! I bet you feel like a ton of weight has been lifted. I know you hated the pill but it will be so worth it to take it again after getting such great news.

silverbell~ I'm sorry you are having a hard time. We have all been there and totally understand. Don't give up hope because it WILL work. How far in to the 2ww are you? My fingers are crossed for your BFP!

 

[silverbell]

silverbell~ I'm sorry you are having a hard time. We have all been there and totally understand. Don't give up hope because it WILL work. How far in to the 2ww are you? My fingers are crossed for your BFP!

Only 3 days into the 2ww! I don't even get that worked up about 2wws these days to be honest. They don't bother me. Probably cos I'm losing hope and also because at least it means I get a 2-week break without having to think about all the expense and time travelling back and forth to the clinic for collecting the injections, scans and IUI (for me each trip involves travelling just over 25 miles and includes a trip by boat). I'm just tired of it all to be honest.

Thank you for your optimism though. I need it in abundance!

 

[MrsC8776]

silverbell~ I'm sorry you are having a hard time. We have all been there and totally understand. Don't give up hope because it WILL work. How far in to the 2ww are you? My fingers are crossed for your BFP!

Only 3 days into the 2ww! I don't even get that worked up about 2wws these days to be honest. They don't bother me. Probably cos I'm losing hope and also because at least it means I get a 2-week break without having to think about all the expense and time travelling back and forth to the clinic for collecting the injections, scans and IUI (for me each trip involves travelling just over 25 miles and includes a trip by boat). I'm just tired of it all to be honest.

Thank you for your optimism though. I need it in abundance!

I got to that exact same point. It is hard to be there but things will work out. Just out of curiosity have you thought about switching donors? Sometimes that makes a difference. Its weird but I've seen it do the trick. Just something to think about I guess. Of course if this one works you won't even have to go there.

Girls I have a question... would this thread be better if tickers were hidden? I don't want to hurt anyone but I also want to support you all. It's something I've just thought about so if you could all let me know that would be great.

 

[silverbell]

I got to that exact same point. It is hard to be there but things will work out. Just out of curiosity have you thought about switching donors? Sometimes that makes a difference. Its weird but I've seen it do the trick. Just something to think about I guess. Of course if this one works you won't even have to go there.

Girls I have a question... would this thread be better if tickers were hidden? I don't want to hurt anyone but I also want to support you all. It's something I've just thought about so if you could all let me know that would be great.

Switching donors was discussed with me after the 3rd failed cycle, but both me and my Consultant felt there were really no worries on that side of things as the count and motility etc have all been really good and in a strange way DH and I have become 'attached' to this donor (even though we know barely anything!) But DH and I have decided that if this one doesn't work then for the last cycle we will be switching ... just so we know we tried everything prior to going for IVF.

I personally don't mind the tickers and it's nice to know where everybody's at, if you see what I mean. Bless you for worrying you'll hurt us All my friends when I first came on here have children or are pregnant now except one (and some are carrying their second and 1 has just had her second). So I am personally used to it.

It's women like you, MrsC, that give me hope to carry on and keep going. I'm sure the others would agree?

 

[deafgal01]

I love seeing the tickers- it gives me hope that one day it will happen to us too! Think when we need a break or cannot stand to see the tickers/news generally we go into avoid Bnb mode or something- or like one lady said, stay in our own journal to mope for a little bit.

Cm- glad to hear your news! What a relief!

Sb- hoping for a bfp for you!