first cycle actively trying (June 2015)

[wifeybby]

Trigger shot came in the mail today! Going to dtd tonight and then wait for the appt on Friday to see when RE thinks is best timing. Not sure how DH is going to respond to doctor ordered sex lol he knows its the deal and all but I can imagine it'll be funny to see his face when RE says it to his face.

Thank you guys for your unconditional support. You are all amazing. I never would've gotten this far without you guys. I know I'd still be TTC on my own and in 70 something day long cycles. This cycle is going to be the worst TWW of my life. I'm sad it's all come to this, and that we needed the interventions we did, but I can't think of that right now. I have to think that this all has happened for a reason and that it will come together someday.

Gina - Can't wait to be bump buddies too I totally hope this is it for you! You so deserve to put TTC to rest and move onto motherhood. It will happen for you someday and I can't wait to see it all progress. I hope this is your BFP and he's a sticky, healthy little guy. And CT is never too far for a weekend playdate with the LO's, or a shopping day before LO's arrive. I would so love that!

Leson - I know this cycle is a lot of ups and downs for you. Which is normal, and sane. I've been reading articles off pinterest about how infertility changes your mindset as a parent and in the following pregnancies - and while I know you're not infertile, I think it relates to TTC AL so very well. I know you will be a beautiful mother who will always do what's best for her babies and provide for them like no one else can. It has been the hardest thing you will ever live with, but I'd like to think it changed you as a person for the better somehow. You will hold your baby tighter than ever now, and you'll never take a moment for granted. Not that you did before, but you know what I mean. This unfortunate event gives you the extra insight that not everyone has, and while it's still ungodly unfair, I know that it will be with you forever and you will turn it into a positive in some light. I know you're not 100% set on wanting this to be your cycle, so either way it goes I hope you find comfort, happiness and motivation to continue to be amazing. I love your outlook on this, re: sushi / a treat if BFN. That's the way to be! Had I taken that mindset a long time ago, I'd of been in a better place.

Vel - I know we PM often but couldn't not say anything to you Hugs, best wishes and thank you for being my personal cheerleader. You're an amazing person with so many awesome qualities. I can't wait to see you get that BFP and give your LO a little sister, and see DH with his little princess. It will be amazing, and you deserve it all and more. So excited to see you grow into a new family, with the wedding and a new baby it's all coming, I know it!

I feel lucky to be part of this group and to have you guys. I feel like I'm talking like I got my BFP or something, but I guess its emotions. Getting the Pregnyl, seeing it in person with my name on the box next to RE's name; holding it in my hands and saying a prayer - its like it just hit me in a new way. I can't believe how far I've come in my TTC journey, and you guys have been there all along. The first RE appointment, all the testing, all the medications, the 100 other appointments, waiting for results, the surgery, the new medications, venting about DH, and when I got the provera crazies - you were there with open ears and arms and let me be me. I love that. Can't wait to share this weekends outcomes with you guys, and I know you'll keep me sane in the worst TWW of my life. If TTC isn't over for us yet, I know you'll be there to comfort me until that BFP finally comes.

Ok, I'm officially clomid trippin lol


and ps - shoutout to anyone I didn't mention personally above. your words and support is something I cherish and I'm happy to be here for you. I feel honored that anyone would open up to me about their TTC journey - and while it's easier to do online to a member without a name and face, it still is very brave to come out to anyone and say anything. It's something I never thought I would do. But it turned out to be the best thing I could've done for myself. Never hesitate to post anything, this group is the best out there by far. Such big hearts and smart minds here; as well as beautiful souls. We will all get BFPs and hold our LO's someday, and look back on this and know it was hell. It's raining, but our rainbows are coming.

 

[Jezika]

Oh man, Wifey, that was truly moving and inspiring. And I agree with every word.
Big loves to all you mamas and mamas-to-be.

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Wifey that's great.. GL with everything and please keep us updated!

 

[gina236]

Awww wifey that was so sweet. I would absolutely love to get together at some point. And I really hope we get to be bump buddies! I really think this will work for you. After everything you have been through you deserve it! Ttc is such a hard time. It goes to show how strong we all are. I'm so glad I found this forum and you ladies to talk to. Idk what I would do without you all!

 

[gina236]

Guys I did something I shouldn't have. I used a IC this morning to see a bfn so I could get my hopes down. I used the brand I never use because they never show lines even though they claim to be 10 miu. Im only 9 or 10 dpo so i figured nothing would show since last time it took until 20 dpo. Well it's not totally a bfn... there is a super squinter on it! Even DH could see it in the daylight. Totally did not work to get my hopes down. Might use a frer earlier than the 31st I'll attach a pic in the next post. It's still really hard to see in a picture but it's definitely there irl. Maybe it's a bad test or a evap but now I don't think I'll be able to hold out a week. Stick baby stick!!!

 

[gina236]

Edited and original...

 

[lesondemavie]

Gina - I maybe see a slight shadow in the b&w photo, but I'm not sure. You know me by now though. I never see lines! I'm sure it's different in person . I'll be cautiously excited for you and let us see more tests when you take them!

Wifey - That was so very sweet! We're all pulling for you too

 

[gina236]

Leson I barely even see it in the pic But it's definitely there irl. Thank you! I'm just hoping it sticks and progresses!

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Leson I barely even see it in the pic But it's definitely there irl. Thank you! I'm just hoping it sticks and progresses!

Woo so exciting!!

 

[FertileFlower]

Gina!! FC for you!! I am terrible with seeing lines in pictures, that's why I haven't posted any of mine (although I might today) because they are so much more faint through the lens of the camera! I hope we will really be bump buddies!! This has been a long time coming now!!

Leson, Vel, Wifey and the new ladies I do not know on this thread yet, sending you all good vibes and baby dust! I'll be back and more supportive after I'm more stable in my own pregnancy.

Which might be soon! AFM I was worried because after the very faint positive at 11dpo turning into a faint positive on dpo12 the lines did not get darker. It started to worry me a bit. (Testing with dollar$ cheapies twice/day I know I know) and then this morning, BAM standard positive! My period would be due today, but wee baby is nesting in there!
Still anxious until I hear the heartbeat!!

I think of you ladies often, I'm just taking very much needed and important time to relax right now because this is it for me. I will be back soon and give a detailed DPO w symptoms, what I ate, what supplements I took, etc.

 

[gina236]

Fertile I am so happy for you!! It really is so hard to get lines to show on camera. I'm really hoping we both have sticky babies and can be bump buddies!! I'm so excited to hear everything but definitely take time to relax! Last thing you want is to stress yourself out. So glad the tests have become true positives.

 

[gina236]

Wondfo was negative this morning. I can see a super faint line but i seem to always have a line on those. But the blue Cross one I used yesterday is definitely there. Even ran water through it to make sure it's not an evap and it didn't go away. Really hoping it was accurate and this baby sticks! Want to wait until at least Sunday to take a frer but my friend is coming over tomorrow and I'd love to be able to tell him so have to figure out if I will test tomorrow or not. I'm terrified of a negative frer. I feel like if it's negative I'm totally out since I already got a faint line on a cheapie. This was why I wanted to wait til the 31st. Ugh. Idk what to do.

 

[Jezika]

Gina - oh man, I feel your anxiety. I don't know about your history with Wondfo lines but my instinct is that any line means something, especially if you had a line on another brand. If it were completely stark white it might be different. But I know what it's like not to want to get your hopes up, so maybe wait to test with FRER.

So I also got a this morning. As I watched the urine soak into the Wondfo strip, I found a part of me willing the second line not to show up. I woke up this morning with barely any sore boobs (they've been sore the past few days), which suddenly zapped my excitement for testing since I'm scared it might mean impending CP. So I think that's why I was willing it to be negative. And then when I checked five mins later and saw an unmistakable line, I just swore a few times under my breath. Not quite the happy response I imagined I'd have when we first decided to TTC, but I guess that's what this wild journey can do to ya. Anyway... DH and I are deciding to act as though it's BAU until some time has passed. I'm going to try not to be obsessed with the forums so much like last time and also avoid thinking into things like due dates etc.

Oh, another odd layer to this is that earlier this week I was offered a practicum placement at a really awesome place, starting this September. It's one of the only places in the city that lets you train in couples therapy and I definitely didn't think I'd get it, so it was really exciting. It made me totally fine with the idea of waiting for my BFP!

 

[wifeybby]

Today was a no go.. Dr said I have one small follicle on my right ovary but not big enough to trigger. Going back Monday at 945am to recheck it and see if I can trigger. If not, probably cancel trigger shot this month and up the clomid dosage next month. It was hard to not cry at the office - cried the whole way home and ever since. Really was confident I would've responded better. Doc didn't seem concerned, he said this is exactly why we monitor and that he'd like to give it a few more days. It's only CD 12 so maybe it's not as big of a deal as I think. But I'm so over this, I feel like I keep fighting and pushing for this and getting nowhere. I'm a disappointment, I'm angry and feel like a complete failure. DH doesn't think it's a big deal. I don't know. Guess I'll just try to keep my mind off it until Monday. Impossible though.

Gina, hope the hpts get stronger over the next few days. Fx so tight for you.

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Today was a no go.. Dr said I have one small follicle on my right ovary but not big enough to trigger. Going back Monday at 945am to recheck it and see if I can trigger. If not, probably cancel trigger shot this month and up the clomid dosage next month. It was hard to not cry at the office - cried the whole way home and ever since. Really was confident I would've responded better. Doc didn't seem concerned, he said this is exactly why we monitor and that he'd like to give it a few more days. It's only CD 12 so maybe it's not as big of a deal as I think. But I'm so over this, I feel like I keep fighting and pushing for this and getting nowhere. I'm a disappointment, I'm angry and feel like a complete failure. DH doesn't think it's a big deal. I don't know. Guess I'll just try to keep my mind off it until Monday. Impossible though.

Gina, hope the hpts get stronger over the next few days. Fx so tight for you.

Oh wifey.... Prayers that it's better when you go back.

 

[gina236]

Wifey so sorry they couldn't trigger today. Really hope Monday is better. At least they checked and you didn't waste the trigger I guess? Just a few more days and you will be on the road to that bfp.

Jez congrats! I know your torn about it but I think you will figure it out. How much time does the practicum take? I know your worried about giving birth and missing it but could you just plan to take like a month off of it and go back or does it not work like that? If you were offered it once I'm sure you will be offered it or something like it again. Really hope you can figure it out.

 

[wifeybby]

Congrats Jez

Didn't mean to ignore your post, I must've loaded the page while you were posting or something. Hope you guys get to be bump buddies and have a H&H 9 months

 

[Jezika]

No worries Wifey. I'm sorry to hear about the follicles not being ready. I can absolutely appreciate how disappointing that must be, and I think your reaction completely makes sense even if it's by no means true that you're a failure or that things won't work out. Things might take a little more time than you would hope, but you're on exactly the right path to making it happen. Rather than being completely in the dark about what's going on, you now know exactly what needs doing and it's just a matter of timing. It probably feels like a million years already, but the time WILL come and when it does I think it will be so, so sweet and more than worth the wait. Plus CD12 may well be too early, so a few days can make all the difference. Hang in there my love. You've been through a lot already and I truly think you're on the home stretch now, even if it requires a bit more waiting

Gina, the placement is from September to April so if this is sticky it would either mean only being able to do the first two months or perhaps they would let me defer to next year. I definitely would want to take a year or close to a year off. That's generally what students in my program seem to do. On a related note, I know that a lot of women have to go back to work pretty quickly in the US. What happens with breastfeeding in those cases? Also, I'm definitely less concerned about the placement than about possible CP or MC. I just don't want to get my hopes up even now, especially as my boobs seem to have stopped being sore. How are you feeling about everything?

 

[gina236]

The likelihood of 2 CP back to back is very small. I really hope it's sticky and your worrying for nothing. Symptoms come and go throughout pregnancy. As hormones surge and grow you will experience different things. And maybe your boobs didn't fully go back after last month so they didn't have as much to do this early. You never know what the case is. I think you are going to be just fine.

As for breastfeeding etc in the US I suppose you would have to pump or use formula. I don't plan to ever go back to work so I am not worried about it. But ya I think I only get 6 weeks off. My dh is allowed to take 2 but they are completely unpaid unless he has vacation time to use. It's a pretty BS system if you ask me. I could never put my 6 week old baby in day care. I know lots of women do it and don't have a choice but I just can't fathom that.

As for how I feel, I'm just scared. I do think I'm pregnant but after so many losses I can't help but assume it will happen again. I'm terrified to take a real test and see a negative. I've never gotten a strong line, they are always light so even if there is a faint line I still feel like it will be no different. And I'm not temping so I have no idea if my progesterone is doing what it should. I'm just overall a ball of anxiety

 

[Jezika]

Aww Gina, that's totally understandable. Are you going to test in a couple of days again with an IC? I reckon if it's darker that will be a great sign. I wish we could regard a faint line the same way we regard a positive OPK or BDing at the right time, like another step checked off rather than this big mind-meddling thing that suddenly makes us feel like now we actually have **something** that can be lost. If that makes sense. That's what I'm trying to see it as. Like okay, faint line, that's a good next step, but let's see where it goes. So so hard!

And yes... maternity leave in the US is just so, so sad. I never really thought about or knew about it until I saw an episode of Last Week Tonight that covered the topic. It was heartbreaking thinking of the women who obviously have no choice. And imagine if you don't have a job that even allows you to afford expensive daycare and no family to look after your baby. No wonder there are so many women relying on welfare. It makes me quite angry. But it's great that you're in a position to be with your child all the way.