funny/ embarrasing labour stories

[NurseSooz]

I'm a nurse myself and I've seen some awful stitching jobs when doing cervical smears. When the doc was stitching up my episiotomy I said (still woozy from gas & air) "please don't make it look like a car accident or a wizard's sleeve, I've seen some terrible vaginas!"

 

[proudparent88]

I can't wait to be able to hopefully add to this thread once more after Zachary arrives!

 

[SwissMiss]

I wonder if I'll have anything to add to this soon!

I only have one tiny one from Kilian's birth. His umbilical cord was 'too'/really short and during pushing kept literally yanking him back up. I was pushing for the better part of 2 hours before they put me on the drip to strengthen my contractions before a section would have been ordered. I was EXHAUSTED and had had enough. After one MAJOR push and he still wasn't out I said to DH "That's it! I'm going HOME! This kid IS NOT COMING OUT!" and he looked at me with this horrified face and said "PUSH! One more time! His head is hanging out!"
Apparently Kilian's head was already out and poor baby was staring about the delivery room while we waited for the next (and last! phew!) contraction to get his body out... I will NEVER forget that look on DH's face!

xxx

 

[proudparent88]

I wonder if I'll have anything to add to this soon!

I only have one tiny one from Kilian's birth. His umbilical cord was 'too'/really short and during pushing kept literally yanking him back up. I was pushing for the better part of 2 hours before they put me on the drip to strengthen my contractions before a section would have been ordered. I was EXHAUSTED and had had enough. After one MAJOR push and he still wasn't out I said to DH "That's it! I'm going HOME! This kid IS NOT COMING OUT!" and he looked at me with this horrified face and said "PUSH! One more time! His head is hanging out!"
Apparently Kilian's head was already out and poor baby was staring about the delivery room while we waited for the next (and last! phew!) contraction to get his body out... I will NEVER forget that look on DH's face!

xxx

Omg that is just too funny! Love it!

 

[KelWin]

Read through these last night and this morning for the third of forth time, still gave me a good giggle. Hopefully I'll have some good ones for you all next year, as I've finally found a donor, and I will be TTC this September.

 

[hayz_baby]

2 things.. Asking why they can't just pull him out? The other one was the contractions were stronger then I remember when I passed my placenta and I said there better not be another one in there!!!

 

[capegirl7]

I just had dd 5 days ago and it was a vbac delivery . I was so excited I used a mirror to watch when pushing . Well I have never seen a birth and thought you could see the baby coming down and the vagina was open. Well when the doctor was getting ready and said you are going to have this baby on the next few pushes I looked and said " I must have the worlds smallest vagina, how is a baby coming out of there" well obviously it opens when the head comes out. I only had one minor tear but they all laughed with my comment.

 

[hshucksmith]

I gave birth to my DS1 on Christmas Eve 2013 and had a very quick labour.

I'd never had gas and air before and it was the only pain relief I had as by the time we arrived at the hospital half an hour after labour started I was 9.5cm dilated.

I keep having flashbacks of things I said / did during labour!

When I got to the hospital I called the midwife a "shitbag" when she refused to examine me because I kept saying I needed to push (I really did need to push, his head was nearly there!). She was obviously not very happy with me after that, and then I asked her if she was American because she had an accent... she was Canadian. Oops.

When I got on the bed and was examined, the midwife said "oh you're right, you'll have to start pushing in a minute", I shouted at her "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID YOU IDIOT?!" and my husband told me off for being nasty!

Once I got started on the G&A another midwife came into the room and I said "you're not that Canadian midwife" and she said "no, I'm *insert name here - I forgot it!*". I replied with "good, because i fucking hated her!". Turns out aforementioned midwife was stood to the other side of the bed...!

Right until he was placed on my chest I kept asking "so I'm definitely in labour?" and they were saying "yes, your baby is about to be born, his head is right there." I was totally convinced I wasn't actually in labour after several false starts.

When I was pushing, the midwife shouted at me "ONE MORE PUSH AND HIS HEAD WILL BE OUT" and I shouted back "WELL I FUCKING KNOW THAT WOMAN!" and then said "oh my god I'm so sorry, I didn't meant to call you woman!" and then I started to cry.

When his head came out the midwife said "his heads out!" and I looked at my husband and said "well I didn't feel it. I guess it's not much different to the size of your *man parts*"!!!!!.

I remember looking at the blood and saying "how much blood did I lose? It looks like a fucking holocaust bloodbath in here!".

I swore a lot during labour...!

 

[Amy89]

you ladies know that first moment you hold your baby, the first thought you ever had when the baby is there on your chest.

Mine went.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh thank god she has 10 fingers"

i never once thought during my pregnancy anything to do with fingers or toes, its never crossed my mind, nor did it cross my mind during labour. But i'll never forget it was the first thing i did, before looking at her face or anything. Once i did it i thought to myself "well that was a weird thing to think of the moment you first saw your baby"

I've never admitted this to anyone, no magical rush of love just a need to count her digits.

Labour made me so delirious.

Haha that was the first thing I asked. I had a c-section so they showed him over top of the curtain and took him away. I said "does he have all his fingers and toes"

Haha looking back on it now it's pretty silly.

With my first as he was coming out the first words out of my mouth were "Does he have hair" my mom and everyone else thought it was just completely hilarious.

My second I felt really guilty after thinking what I did the first time I saw him. In a way I think I was still angry over him causing me so much fear throughout my pregnancy and I thought to myself "he isn't very cute...." I totally hate myself for that now cause he was a beautiful baby and is still a beautiful little boy... Sounds horrible for a mom to say about her own child I know that makes me a horrible person....

That doesn't make you a horrible person! The first thing I thought was....He looks like a potato crossed with an old man. Lol x

 

[BabyEagle]

Hello. New to the site but not to the birthing experience. Here's just a little something from my first l&d experience.

I had a cesarean section but in the hours leading up to it I had been given pitocin on a steady drip and my contractions were barely leaving room to breathe. My DH was exhausted due to lack of sleep but managed to stay awke and close to my bed. Unfortunately for him, I would grab his hand at the contractions and nearly took his thumb off. I also left fingernail marks in his neck. When I finally caved and got the epidural I immediately felt better.

As a matter of fact when I laid back on the bed I farted . I was apologizing like crazy but my DH, mother and sister were just laughing. I remember talking a lot but the exact words escape me.

The nurses would turn me and my DS's heartrate would drop. Literally every half hour immediately after being turned, the nurses would have to come back in and readjust the internal and external heart monitors. They eventually said
"When he's born you're going to have to have a little talk with him."

Also I told them that I had to pee, after the epidural, and they managed to het a vatheter in me not a minute before I peed. I remember laughing a little and saying
"Close call !"

Altogether not too funny but they're the best I've got until August. Hope you all like them.

 

[Gemmamuk]

I gave birth for the second time on Tuesday.
I was induced at 1.30pm but about 1.30am felt weird down below and the mw was reluctant to check. Turns out the tampon thing had come down and was hanging out. When she said, I replied with a smirk and said 'I told you so!'. At that point she said I still hadn't started dilating.

At 3.15am contractions were ripping me apart and she wouldn't check me saying I couldn't possibly be in full labour as less than 2 hours ago I hadn't started at all, and have me 2 paracetamol.
She went on her break and another mw took pity on me and gave me pethadine and ran me a nice bath. 30 mins later I was lying in the bath and my waters broke and I was checked and 5cm so they rushed me to l&d. I said to the nice mw 'when that bitch gets back from her break make sure you tell her I told her so!!!'

While being rushed up, I was told my new mw would be a lady called Michelle. I noticed after a while her name badge said Emma, but she was really annoying me patronizing me and not being particularly nice or helpful so I have up trying to remember her name and just called her Michelle lol!!

I begged for an epidural and must have driven her nuts telling her to hurry and saying she was deliberately being slow to prolong my agony lol

While the anaestatist was there I got a bad case of verbal diarreah....I came out with all the cliches....
'I can see why women only do this once - it really fucking hurts!'
'I am NEVER having sex again!!'
'Screw that - he's having his balls chopped off instead!'
'What on earth was I thinking when I agreed to a second baby - KNOWING how much agony this is!!'
'This baby is trying to kill me. I'm going to die!'.

I am convinced I was pooing. I kept apologizing and she said 'no honestly your not!', and I said well if I'm not what on earth is coming out of my ass!!!!!

I apologists afterwards for my colorful language and attitude lol!!

Turns out I'd gone from nothing to 10cm and delivering in 4 hours, and the epidural never had chance to kick in and work before baby arrived

I'm sure other things will come to me!

 

[BigLegEmma]

Well, it took me all day and part of last night, but I read the whole thread. Had some belly laughs. I can't believe I have to go through this! I imagine I'll swear like a trooper and we'll see if my plans for a drug-free birth actually come to fruition.

 

[KelWin]

Well, it took me all day and part of last night, but I read the whole thread. Had some belly laughs. I can't believe I have to go through this! I imagine I'll swear like a trooper and we'll see if my plans for a drug-free birth actually come to fruition.

Haha, that's my plan too. We'll see

 

[Emma&Freya]

Oh I love this thread too much

 

[staceyp]

i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake

haha love it! gave me a good laugh.

 

[ksilme]

Well I had my little girl on valentines day, and nothing really funny happened, other than being sent home from hospital 2cm dilated and being told to take paracetamol, my husband gave me some when we got home, but i have difficulty swallowing tablets and gagged on it, so he retreats back into the kitchen. a couple of minutes later he comes out saying 'what about this' whilst holding a lemsip!!!! in his defense it does clearly say 'contains paracetamol' and it is soluble so I could swallow it lol xx

 

[tatsNflowers]

I....

Called the midwives cnuts and then could not stop saying sorry
Made my OH take a photo of my son crowning - why?!
Spaced out way too much on gas and air and kept thinking I was someone else

i made my oh take a pic too! i cherish it! lol it's so amazing.

 

[tatsNflowers]

i asked my husband to take a picture of my son crowning.

every time a contraction would come i would fart sooo bad! and every single time i would say "don't look at me! i can't help it!" to my husband. he wasn't saying anything about it or even looking at me. he was busy watching transformers.

my biggest fear was pooping on the delivery bed. i felt myself poo twice. my husband and i were talking about it later and he said i was pooping the whole time and the whole room smelled like poop and blood. (my delivery room was also my hospital room that i stayed in.) so when my friends and family came in to see our son i know they smelled it too because none of them stayed long. that's kind of embarrassing! haha

 

[palexbones]

Finally, after reading off and on for a week, I have finished the thread! I definitely wish g&a was an option here at my hospital in the USA, but I'm sure I'll say something inappropriate and embarrassing.
Almost 37 weeks pregnant and sitting at 2cm! So hopefully its sooner than later! Thank you ladies!

 

[phoenix333]

I spent 10 minutes in the loo trying to give a urine sample and despite feeling busting I couldn't go. I was told it was just the baby's head and not to worry. I got back on the bed and kept insisting I was going to wee myself and needed to go back to the loo. The midwives refused to let me go as they were adamant it was just my babies head.......until I created a nice little puddle in the middle of my bed..... Ewww!!