General chatter while we wait (and commentary on the "pull out method")

[shaescott]

Apologies in advance for my crazy hormonal self-centered attitude:

Pretty sure I’m finally PMSing, cuz I don’t normally get so angry doing dishes I end up yelling at my dad ranting about it and then eating chocolate ice cream afterwards. I’m more calm now. I was pissed cuz my mom offered to make me dinner when I was coming home from college on Friday and then she left a million dishes in the sink and left to visit my grandfather and told my dad that I had to do the dishes. If I’d known I would get to do the entire sink of dishes I would have said NO DO NOT MAKE ME DINNER. I could’ve made something using two small bowls, one spoon, and one knife, but she used a large pot, a strainer, a casserole dish, a million utensils, several dishes, and I just UGH. I shouldn’t be this pissed about it. There’s got to be something going on hormonally.
I think I’m definitely gonna go on the pill cuz I can’t stand the random long cycles anymore. I just can’t do it, it’s driving me insane.

 

[gigglebox]

Shae eat more chocolate; it always helps. Sorry to be disagreeable but hey, what's a few dishes? Your mom probably thought she was doing you a favor and didn't see dishes as a big deal. Hope dinner was at least yummy and dishes didn't cut into other plans.

Mmmmcb bar b q sounds fun! Ahh I gotta get a pool for Lev to splash in now that the weather is getting nicer. We have a couple but the ducks use them!

Went to an estate sale today; they were at the tail end so everything was heavily discounted and I got a pretty piece of jewelry, 10k gold with a diamond, for $24! Saw similar thing on ebay for around $200. Debating if i want to keep it or resell on ebay for profit

Also battling anxiety again. Uggghhh it ebbs and flows but it's driving me mad, wish i knew how to kick it for good! Especially since it seems like I may be gearing up for early ovulation again. Don't want to feel like this whilst ttc!

 

[shaescott]

Gigs, you’re right, it’s just dishes. It’s just that I hate doing dishes, which she knows, and it took me at least half an hour to get through all of them. I know I’m being a brat, I just feel mad about little things lately. It’s stupid, I know. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but my mind has, well, a mind of it’s own right now, and I just can’t control it well.

(Going back and editing at the end of writing this post to say I’m sorry in advance for the mental illness rant that’s coming.)

It’s like, do you ever just feel so irrationally upset or angry and you know it’s irrational but you can’t stop that feeling and you can’t get it under control? It’s like that, but all the time. Honestly I’ve been forgetting my depression meds, and moodiness is something I notice when I forget to take it. I had been taking it perfectly at night to practice for bcps but it would keep me up at night so I started taking vitamins instead at that time. And I just never found another time for it. I feel like a 13 year old again honestly, like the way my head wants me to behave reminds me of how I was as a hormonal bratty middle schooler. It’s awful. It makes me wonder whether that behavior was solely from hormones or whether there were general chemical imbalances as well. It seems that when I stop taking them (never on purpose, just forgetting like an idiot), I don’t really get depressed, I get moody, and my misophonia gets worse. It might be because I’m never off it for a very long time before I realize I’ve been forgetting it and get back on it, but idk.

But what happens is, I get set off very easily. Little things just make me so angry and upset, and certain trigger noises make me super angry and upset as well. The sound of someone typing on a keyboard makes me want to either yell at the person to stop, cry because I can’t escape the sound, or both. Most of the time when a noise is bothering me, it’s an eating sound. My family is somehow the worst. My mom chews with her mouth open and just typing that gave me horrific imagery of her eating, which is not something that should happen and not something that should make me want to cry, but it is. My dad and my sister manage to make everything sound crunchy as well. In dining halls or cafeterias I rarely ever have that problem, maybe because of all the background noise, maybe because my family doesn’t know how to eat like civilized human beings. Could be both. Even thinking about trigger sounds upsets me, it’s so annoying and seems so stupid. When they show people eating on tv shows and they aren’t chewing quietly with their mouth closed, I sometimes need to speed through it because I don’t want to freak out. Once my sister was eating chips in the car and I legit had a panic attack. It’s kinda crazy. I get actual fight or flight responses to those trigger sounds, it’s insane and I hate it. I either get angry or I look for an escape route, and if I’m looking for an escape route and I can’t find one, after a while I end up crying and/or freaking the f*ck out.

Anyway, this likely sounds like me making a mountain out of a molehill, which it is, it 100% is. But when I’m off my meds, I have very little control over it. I just get so angry and/or upset, and I don’t want to feel that way, but it’s hard to stop that feeling. All I can actually do is prevent myself from lashing out at people, which I’m only successful at like 80% of the time. I try to breathe, I try to ignore sounds and block it out, but it’s extremely difficult for me. And then I think “it feels like there’s something wrong with me”, and I have to remind myself that yes, there is something wrong with me, and I know that. Having mental illness isn’t my fault, but not remembering my medications is my fault, and since that’s what I have most control over, I need to do better.

I still feel really mad at myself sometimes because I can’t control it. I am the kind of person who needs to be in control, so not being in control of my own feelings drives me insane. I honestly can’t find the right words to describe how shitty it feels to not have a normal level of control. At the same time, I feel so lucky that I don’t have schizophrenia or something like that, I could have it so much worse. And I’m sure several of you have major depressive disorder/clinical depression but I’m not sure the crazy mood thing is as common. I also feel kinda weird talking about mental illness because when I was in the little chapel choir with like 8 people in it at my college I mentioned depression and the person who ran it (a student) sent out an email saying that discussion about mental illness was making some members uncomfortable and to please refrain from these discussions. I honestly wanted to punch her in the face. It was so obvious she was talking about me, and I never went into detail about my depression or mental illness like I am here, just a very brief mention or two. I quit pretty shortly after. Should’ve known something was wrong with those people when one of them was lying on the floor acting sad and I asked if she was depressed and she was like “we don’t use the D word.” Like, it’s not a dirty word...????

Can you tell I’m still very bitter and angry about that situation? I hold grudges so bad, I need to let that shit go.

I’m so sorry that this has been such a long selfish post. Anyone who actually reads through all of that rambling mess is a saint, honestly.

 

[gigglebox]

so sorry shae, I had no idea you had it that bad. Totally relatable though...and actually helped me to read it right now since I'm dealing with the anxiety crap which I also recognize as irrational, but there is sometimes no way to stop it from coming on and it's very difficult to het under control. I have anxiety meds I coild take but they are a no no if you're pregnant and I'm terrified if i get pregnant anything residual in my system may mess up baby. This is reinforced by the fact that I took it early the cycle I got pregnant with ds1 and i had a complicated pregnancy. It's probably completely coincidental and in my rational thought i know that, but irrationally I feel like I it could be my fault so I'm trying to deal without meds...but dang it's hard!

The other thing is when I deal with bouts of this crap from time to time (including depression), I KNOW it will go away so it's kind of a matter or waiting it out...also fully acknowledging when things feel fine and good so I know it's possible to feel "normal" again (because when you're in the bad headspaces, it's easy to feel like it'll never end).

Not sure if any of that helps but there ya go.

 

[shaescott]

Thanks Gigs. When I’m on my meds I’m almost totally normal in that respect, thank god. I forget what I’m like without them until I forget to take them and I’m like “oh shit”

 

[Jezika]

Big hugs to you, Shae and Gigs. It makes me sad that your choir group effectively banned talking about depression. That’s exactly what keeps it stigmatized and people suffering more than they have to. Half the reason it’s uncomfortable to talk about is because people feel silly or ashamed or like they’re alone in their suffering, when in fact so many people would be able to relate if we acruallt talked about it. I’d be tempted to email them with some friendly advice to this effect.

Shae the misophonia sounds very difficult (I just read this back and pardon the pun, genuinely). Tbh I’d never heard of it before you mentioned it, but SSRIs (if that’s what you’re taking) do reduce aggression as well as stress and anxiety, so I guess it makes sense that you’d feel less irritable when taking them. I can definitely relate to angry overreactions to thing. Sometimes when more than a couple of minor things go wrong, I feel myself becoming completely consumed by rage. Like if I drop a piece of food several times and then spill something on my shirt or can’t untangle my keys, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and smash something. It takes everything in me not to be destructive, but I have screamed in the past and sworn a lot. Like you say, it is very frustrating not to have control over my emotions in those moments. Luckily I calm down quickly, but in the moment I feel totally unhinged.

Gigs, that’s great that you tell yourself you have to just ride it out and to highlight the good times. It can so often feel like whatever state of mind we are in is permanent. I have some mild undercurrents of anxiety a lot of the time (social anxiety and worrying about little things and the future) but I think my main issues are the anger thing above and falling into patterns of negative thinking, esp lately related to finding time to study, then it makes me feel incompetent, panicky and despairing, and consequently way less productive. I know it’s irrational and I’ve felt like this a hundred times and still always ended up finishing my work and doing well, yet I still consistently catastrophize to the extent that I’m convinced I’ll have to drop out of school, repay my scholarship and be in debt... even though the other part of my brain KNOWS that it will be fine. This is why I don’t think cognitive therapies would work on me; I KNOW I’m being irrational. I do think knowing that other people struggle with things like this helps me.

What are you anxious about?

 

[gigglebox]

Dying. I'm worried thta every little ache is a sign of a terminal issue. Right now it's the damn cramping in my upper abdomen which is likely my liver, and probably residual issues from my mono which, per ct scan, affected both my spleen and liver. But i had the ct scan about 5 weeks ago and everything looked good, so my rational thinking knows this is most likely related stuff. I mean the pain is in the same spots it was then and it's also intermittent and a lot less than it was. Irrational thinking believes it's something new and catastrophic.

I can completely relate to KNOWING the irrational thought is irrational.

 

[shaescott]

Jez I take Zoloft and Wellbutrin. I think Zoloft is an SSRI? I totally relate to little things just adding up and then snapping. It’s happened to me as well. Always when I’m off my meds haha whoops I suck at taking them, I’m a terrible adult

 

[Flueky88]

Sad what a stigma mental health is. I hope one day this will change.

I feel like what anxiety I get is normal. It doesn't impair my life. I've been sad and I've felt depressed. Try to "fix" what's causing the depression though. I'm blessed that I don't have a chemical imbalance. Lots of empathy to those that do.


Gigs, maybe this "early" O is your new normal.

I'm sorry I've been a bad poster. My feelings were a bit hurt as a "friend" at work said they thought I made a mistake taking this position and that previous was leaving it for a reason. I had spoke with her about why and it wasn't that she didn't like it, but that she was doing stuff in audit in well and her audit job had gotten very busy. So anyways, he's gotten his master's with focus on education but hasn't really done anything with it. I know he's just jealous because he feels he's the most qualified, but I was picked i think in large for my knowledge and excellent charting skills. Anywho, sorry for my rant.

DH and I went on a date Saturday night. Saw Avengers movie

Sunday busy with housework, watching V.

Busy day at work. Also, rumors going around at DHs job of going to a 3 day work week as they are slowing down. Hoping it's 12 hour shifts. So far it's unofficial though.

 

[shaescott]

Flueks I agree about the stigma. So many people have mental health issues, not talking about it is a disservice to ourselves.
Some level of anxiety is normal, like you said, and everyone experiences anxiety at some point in their life. I feel for those with anxiety disorder though. Make sure if it ever starts impairing your life that you get help. I’m glad you haven’t had to yet.

AFM I got my period this morning. I’m so nauseous suddenly, I was fine until around 7, and I wasn’t able to eat dinner because of it. Probably from my period, ugh

 

[gigglebox]

Shae could part of your anger/emotional stuff just be pms?

Fluek wtf. Not really a friend is it? Terribke to tell you you've made a mistake with no real conviction. And after you've taken the position...as michelle tanner would say, "how rude." Bit like telling someone they shouldn't have gotten a tattoo...like ok thanks that's not at all helpful. I hope you're not doubting your choice. I *do* hope you're questioning that person's intentions.

 

[shaescott]

Gigs definitely. But I think it’s a mix of both. I don’t normally lash out nearly this much with PMS, though I do get emotional.

ETA: I echo gigs on the “friend”

 

[bdb84]

Fluek- Not a very good friend I'm so sorry. You seem perfect for the job.

How was the Avengers movie, btw?

Regarding mental health- yes, the stigma is very real. I've spent half of my life trying to get my younger brother the help he needs, but he refuses. He'd rather self medicate than admit that there's an issue I'm firmly convinced he has severe clinical depression. I begged my parents to force him into help before he was a legal adult, but at the time my parents were ignorant to mental health and took it as a jab at their parenting that there was something going on with him beyond their control.

AFM- Just trucking along. Nothing new to report. There's a lot going on this month regarding end of school activities, birthday parties, my 12wk appt/scan and DD1's ballet recital.

 

[DobbyForever]

No offense just not in the mood to talk mental health. My brother is having a depressive episode so just not into it. Big hugs to you ladies and I hope you find tranquility soon.

Bdb I noticed that people who like it are vested in the marcel universe but aren’t true comic fans like me. I’ve seen the more recent movies and I enjoy analyzing movies, but I never read the comics. It was good. But not amazing. But people who don’t particularly like it haven’t seen most movies or just never cares much for the MCU

Fluek booo I second everyone on this frenemy

 

[gigglebox]

Bdb 10 weeks already?! Craziness.

Dobs is there a particular marvel series you follow? Do you watch any of the shows? I watched runaways but wasn't really into it. Last show I really liked was Jessica Jones.

 

[claireybell]

Lazy poster here! Feeling lethargic & yukky bleughhhhhh!

Omg Flueks wth??! A friend should be supporting you whatever you work/life choices should be! Clearly theres a pissed off jealous streak there but you were the more obvs choice of who suited the role & dont you doubt yourself

Live the marvel/dc films but never read the comic books, have to say i love Wonder Woman lol

 

[kittykat7210]

Shae I’m really sorry about the issues you are having, and hope it is resplved/better soon.

Got my wedding set today, not that it’s inportant! Question is do I start wearing it straight away or do I wait for our vow renewal? Or do I be extra cheeky and just wear the solitaire right now like I’m engaged ? So many choices!!

 

[gigglebox]

Oooooh kit i's be rocking the whole set now! Although it would be nice to save it for the renewal...tough choice. It's very pretty!

Afm officially melting down. Like crying out of fear something is majorly wrong. I know I'm being irrational but I'm home all day with a baby and hust have so much time to sit and obsess. I bit the bullet and made an appointment with my dr on friday.

I'm having huge doubts about ttc right now and I don't feel comfortable either going for it this month (in case something IS wrong) nor not ttc (in case NOTHING is wrong and i wasted a cycle and regret it next week). I'm fairly certain I'm fertile now. Blahhhh.

 

[shaescott]

Bdb sorry about your younger brother. Regarding trying to help someone but not being able to because they refuse help... My SO’s uncle is schizophrenic and refuses to take his medication and just ends up getting hurt all the time, and he won’t not use a broken limb which makes things worse.

Dobs sorry about your brother and depression. It can be awful. Extra seratonin vibes to him.

Kitty omg I love that you bought them! Personally I’d wear the engagement looking one so you can put the band on at the ceremony. That’s just me though.

Gigs I’m so sorry, that’s so tough. Being stuck in your head is awful. It’s part of why I hate summer vacation. I like not doing schoolwork, but I hate being bored with nothing to do all day for months on end. It drives me crazy. Previously I’ve worked part time during the summer, which makes it better. I might call my old boss and try to work there again for the summer. She doesn’t seem to like me much though, so idk if she’ll bring me back on. I want a job during the summer in general, because I won’t be able to work during the school year and I’ll need to have money saved up for that time.

 

[gigglebox]

Shae check Craigslist for a part-time summer job. There must be plenty of places hiring. Or maybe a summer internship somewhere?

Thank you for the nice thoughts. As of this moment I am back to being completely fine and wanting to do the baby thing. This is how it goes, back-and-forth until I finally settle back into normal...which is being able to handle my shit! And not feeling like a crazy nervous wreck. So thankful I am OK right now, can't wait to be like that again all the time! it's just a matter of time really.