It was a Sunday evening. DH had just gotten home from an afternoon/evening of drinking with some good friends he’d not seen in years. MIL had already mentioned several times over the past two days that she’d love to have Matilda in bed with her overnight. Pffffft yeah right, but because Matilda’s father was drunk and irresponsible, and her grandfather similarly useless, MIL took Tilly upstairs to her room to watch her while I got ready for bed. DH came in while I was showering and asked for a BJ. I agreed, but set the condition of him washing his ding-dong. He declined.
I went upstairs and found Matilda was asleep in bed with MIL. A 10-minute circular dialogue ensued in which neither of us asserted ourselves, so it felt like we would never decide whether she should stay there or not. At the point where I felt myself physically aging with the passing of time, I decided to let her stay there until I myself was ready to sleep, or until Tilly woke up - whichever came first.
I went to the bedroom and found DH there. He asked me to jerk him off. I asked if he’d washed his pork sword since our last conversation. He hadn’t. I asked him when he’d last washed it. That afternoon, he claimed. Meh... not bad. However, I suddenly realized sex would be less effort, so I proposed that instead. He was amenable, so we commenced. He was surprisingly passionate (he’d had seven pints of beer and he pretty much never drinks). He went down on me for the first time since 1936. Despite having to slash his way through three acres of Amazonian rainforest, he hit the perfect spot. I commented that I’d forgotten how good he was and that I did in fact wonder just the other day whether he would ever go down on me again. Not the best time for conversation, apparently.
He would’ve made me come but then stuck it in me. Classic move, classic. It was as vigorous as you’d expect from a very drunk man who’s had sex three times in over two years. Anyway, aware that mini-DH was unsheathed, I reminded him that while we’re admittedly quite fond of her, we do not want another Matilda anytime soon and that he should pull out. I came quickly from missionary position (least effort FTW).
The Sex continued for some time, positions shifting, appendages noisily slipping here and there, me almost falling between the two silly single beds pushed together. He attempted some boob play but was a bit sheepish once I reminded him that milk might squirt out. Apparently that’s not an aphrodisiac. 14 semenless hours passed. It was clear he’d never come after seven beers from the get go. I prayed for a miracle.
Of course, my God-loving MIL came to the rescue. JUST as I’d asked DH for the third time whether he was going to come, I heard a knock at the door (which was ajar, btw). Flapping breasts now still, I hovered above DH, motionless and aghast, his sad, tired willy finally given respite. She called my name and I darted off him like a purse-snatching street child caught in the act. DH, despite his drunken clumsiness, had somehow gradually removed every item of my clothing with surprising deftness and discretion, so I knew I had no time to get dressed. I said “just one minute” in a wavering tone reserved exclusively for indicating one being rumbled when having rare marital sex. I flung a towel around me and peeked around the door. His mum looked disturbingly pleased. (Maybe this was her ploy all along?! God does apparently love a bit of marital sex, and she was practically inviting us to do it).
Anyway, she told me that FIL was scared he would roll on Matilda so maybe I should come get her. I said oh yes fine, while trying to execute a smile in a relaxed, casual way that couldn’t possibly be achieved if I had something to hide. And then I noticed she was standing in just her thong. Just kidding; I sensed the story getting a little dry. Anyway, so I said I was just about to change into my PJs and would be there in a sec. She’d already seen me in my PJs earlier. So that was basically that. Sad thing is that I suspect DH woke up the next day feeling confused and ashamed once he realized he’d had a one night stand with his wife.
its a big sigh of relief to know the results are all fine, & aww bless u, thats a Snapchat filter haha i look great on those, im starting to look my age abit lol
i always get tempted to buy Digis for the science of the hook effect hehe like it may say ‘not pg’ ha
it put me off the whole pg haha weird!
how do America not have cottage pie????
The Amazonian rainforest bit floored me 
