General chatter while we wait (and commentary on the "pull out method")

[WinterBub]

Sorry I don't have time to write more: but just wanted to say to take care of yourself, Dobby i hope you find a way to convince yourself that you're worth never drinking again. If it is a negative for you, then the short term buzz ain't worth it in the long run.

I know you've had a rough run- this comes from a place of love, not judgement. Sorry, I know tone doesn't always come across when things are written down.

 

[DobbyForever]

Aww no you're good. Pretty sure I read it the right way haha. I get what you mean, and I appreciate it. 95% of the time I have a good relationship with alcohol. A cocktail or two when I'm out at dinner situation. Or a drink at the movies. Whoever put bars in movie theaters deserves an award lol. It's just when I'm with my two best friends (also heavy drinkers, one is also an alcoholic and the other is just a party animal) and they don't respect my boundaries OR if I'm really depressed. Like the PTSD hit and they started letting you have alcohol delivered with your groceries. YIKES. I'm honestly happy with the fact that I haven't kept drinking beyond when I wanted to stop. Like last night, that little voice in me would say who cares if you're hungover tomorrow or you can drink then just throw up before bed. But I ignored it and carried on with my water and Netflix. I only get disappointed if I can't ignore that voice. So I know drinking to block out my emotions is an unhealthy bandaid, but I'm not beating myself up over it and I do plan to stop and have a bit a dry period after tomorrow.

 

[gigglebox]

Dobby, if you must indulge hopefully you can in moderation and only as needed, and it is overall somewhat helpful, not hurtful. I hope when things settle you can get back to your healthier self

Hmmm workouts...well I had started doing cardio then moved only to weight-lifting/strength training. It was great. I felt great. I felt stronger and thinner and I had more stamina. I'm hoping to get back there. I did workout a little this morning (light cardio) with my oldest who's kind of a sloth. I'm looking forward to picking up the pace again and feeling good again.

I was obsessively looking back at my tww symptoms. By those alone I am not able to convince myself there's a chance of anything here, lol. My "telltale signs" are digestive issues and lack of appetite/food aversions. I am feeling like eating is a challenge (nothing sounds good, and I'm not wanting chocolate by the fistfulls like I normally do, haha) but that could be a normal monthly symptom. I never pay attention since we aren't ttc.

 

[gigglebox]

omg I have to laugh, went back to the thread 11 months ago and it's hilarious how little has changed. Still trying to lose weight and make friends, still doing my sales shows, and here I am in a tww except this time its hopeful instead of accidental still have the exact same thoughts, hopes, and fears of #4. Also, we were experience bad winter weather then, same as now it's uncanny how similar it all is!

Also after re-reading my symptoms and seeing the tests and what I wrote I feel comfortable calling it a c/p.
I'm also wondering if FRER maybe actually has figured out how to get their hcg threshold even lower than it used to be -- maybe all these super faints are legit just super super early c/p's. I think I've read that cp's are actually quite common.

Bored, caught up on my packages, can't clean because kids are napping...off to do research

 

[gigglebox]

wow guys, here's a 2011 study saying frer can pick up as little at 5.5!!!
"Using a mixture of hCG, hyperglycosylated hCG and free β-subunit typical for early pregnancy, the sensitivity of the First Response manual and digital tests was 5.5 mIU/mL"
First Response Pregnancy Test: Review, Accuracy And Early Result - Healthvigil

This is .8 better than the study done in 2005, the one people site as the 6.3 threshold. Is it perhaps feasible to think things have improved even moreso 10 years later? I think maybe so...!

 

[shaescott]

Gigs I saw a lady who was getting IVF and had hcg for trigger shots at home and mixed up the different concentrations, 5miu had a faint but obvious pink line, not out of the realm of possibilities to say it can pick up less. I really don’t know what to do about mine. I feel like it’s possible that it was a cp, especially since my bleeding is a bit heavier than usual. But at the same time, I feel like I’m probably just kidding myself and it would just be easier to call it a cp. I know Dobs said I should just pick one and move on, but I really don’t know what to pick. I want it to have been a cp, but I feel like I’m probably lying to myself, and it feels so icky to tell myself I had a cp if I didn’t. But of course I don’t know. AGH.

Sorry for selfish post, just got out of work and I have an awful migraine with nausea and dizziness etc, I took something earlier but it didn’t work. I feel super overheated, it’s 34 degrees out and I walked to my car without my coat on. Feel like I can’t breathe with my mask on. I’m glad this was only an 8 hour shift.

 

[DobbyForever]

Wait Shae no k love you I didn’t mean pick one and move on I meant pick one and grieve that reality because f* what anybody else has to say. If that pregnancy was real to you, that’s what matters. That’s the loss. Which I know sounds contrary to what I started out saying but yeah lots of booze filled reflection up in this house.

I hope you’re ok . That sounds awful. No chance of covid right? I’m so omicron paranoid now someone will be like I got a runny nose GO GET A PCR TEST

gigs omg that’s funny I feel you. Not gonna lie I miss the duck videos! They’re so cute. Living through you. I’m the same a*hole I was years ago so

 

[shaescott]

Okay back home.

Dobs I love you. I worry about you. I mean this in a loving totally not judgemental way, okay? Being a functional alcoholic is still being an alcoholic. I know you know this, because you called yourself one. It’s also borderline not functional. Needing to be buzzed all the time is not safe or healthy or functional. I know you’re going through an awful time and you’re grieving and trying to cope. I get it. But if there was an emergency with A and you needed to drive and couldn’t because you were buzzed in the middle of the day, that’s a problem. You may not be drunk, but you know as well as I that you shouldn’t drive if you can feel the alcohol in your system. I am a child of an alcoholic, so I am coming from that place. Eventually, A will start to notice. I know he has ASD and that may shield him longer, but eventually he’ll know something isn’t right with mommy. My dad was unable to properly care for me when he was supposed to be watching me MANY times. He would go chug vodka out of my sight and then soon enough he’d be “out of it” aka drunk. I noticed. I didn’t know he was drunk, but I knew something was very wrong and I didn’t understand why daddy didn’t want to play with me or why he was so groggy. And when I found out what was going on around age 10, I was furious and incredibly sad. I was angry because he knowingly chose alcohol over me over and over again. He had multiple stints in rehab. He’d always choose alcohol over us. He finally got on Antabuse which causes severe side effects if you drink, because he figured the fear of possible death would stop him, and that worked, thank God. But my family was so broken during those years and when I first went to therapy I realized how much it impacted me. It caused serious psychological damage. I was going through hell in middle school and would come home not knowing if dad would be drunk again and hell would break loose. I know my dad was properly drunk and you’re only buzzed, but you know that it’s a slippery slope. I just want you and A to be safe and happy, and alcohol is a huge threat to that. So please, please be careful.

 

[shaescott]

Dogs oh no I didn’t mean like “just move on already”, don’t worry

 

[tdog]

gigs I love doing a bit of research finding out my own stuff sometimes takes my mind of what my heads always thinking lol xx

 

[DobbyForever]

I for sure should be in therapy rn but I’ll be ok thank you love

and haha yeah I was like she probably knew what I meant but in case not lemme just clarify in case

I’d love to say I’ve never endangered A but that’s a lie. I can say not this week though today is pushing it though. He’s gonna wake up soon and I’m still boozed

 

[tdog]

Dobs please look after yourself xx

 

[DobbyForever]

Yeah idk I guess I should call Kaiser and get yet another intern that will leave in 6 months. I just want to scream and break things and obviously that’s no bueno. I know life’s not fair but like life’s not fair. I really just want to scream

 

[shaescott]

Dobs idk about the Bay Area but I know in Boston there’s a place where you can literally pay to throw and break things. They give you a bucket of breakable crap and you throw it at the walls and do whatever you want to it. Might be worth looking into, could actually be therapeutic lol

 

[DobbyForever]

Ooo I’ve seen those on tv. Dunno if we have one local. I’m just hurt and angry and I can’t let it out because I have A. We do have axe throwing. If he’s in school, I may try for Friday.

 

[gigglebox]

Shae are your folks still together?

dobs I’m all for healthy drinking until kids being endangered becomes a thing. Please be careful. Think of A and do consider the therapy route if it’s helped in the past. I am not trying to lecture, just speaking from love and reason

 

[shaescott]

Gigs they are. If he hadn’t gotten sober, I don’t think they would be honestly. But thank God he did and he’s a great dad now. He doesn’t remember most of my sister’s early childhood because he started drinking heavily around the same time she was born, and he really regrets not having those memories in his head. It’s like a huge gap of nearly 10 years. He stopped drinking at the end of 2013. My sister was 9. It also affected her a lot because my parents would have screaming fights and she was so little. I don’t remember it, but apparently I would bring her into another room and sit with her during the fights. She remembers. Her therapist figured out that she actually relies on me a lot and saw me as a safe place and almost like a mother figure because I would protect her from the scary fighting. The fights didn’t start right away, he hid his alcoholism for years even from my mom. I don’t actually know exactly what years it was bad, it’s like my brain made that part of my life a whole separate thing from everything else going on during the exact same time. I know it was bad in middle school, but I don’t know what year it started. Could’ve been as early as when my sister was 3 or 4. Clearly I’m not over it I don’t think about it often but when I do everything just comes flooding back. It was an awful time.

 

[DobbyForever]

Aww for sure. We have food and no reason to get in the car. When it’s been an issue is my parents wanting me to come get A and I’m obviously blasted. They get mad and say they won’t watch him anymore. But I’ve never put him in the car when I’ve been drinking. I just don’t like being buzzed or actively drinking in front of him. So that’s what I mean by endangered I guess. Not like my mom letting my drunk uncle drive me home going 120 mph.

I def get screamy with the fam if I’m drunk because all my repressed trauma just comes out. But when it’s just us, nobody to fight with. I just feel neglectful because he’s in his gym room playing and I’m on my room watching Netflix. But realistically I’m in a condo lol he’s 10ft away lol. Or I just sit on the rocking chair while he does his bar lol

 

[DobbyForever]

I do def need to confront my feelings sooner rather than later though but also is easier to stick yourself in a ball pit for infant/toddlers with a buzz so in some ways I’m a better parent when I drink

I think moving her to the freezer may be messing with me more than anticipated

called my immediate family and friends everyone is too busy to talk

 

[tdog]

Awww dobs he is beautiful look at the hair I no its not the same as immediate family but we are here always here love xx