General chatter while we wait (and commentary on the "pull out method")

[WinterBub]

Oh, Shae! That's soooooooo exciting!!!! I'm thrilled for you I can't wait to hear the details. I agree- I'm on team no more snooping but at the same time, I hate surprises, and kind of think it's good to know as much as you know. Love the detail he put on the box

Thanks for sharing about your religious journey. I've been on a similar, but different path. We had our son baptized because it was important to my OH's family. And I was going along with it just as a box ticking exercise- turns out the whole thing was really beautiful and touching. I've considered converting as a result, but haven't gotten around to it/am not sure I really want to formally go through all that. The important thing is to engage with whatever religion (or not being religious) that you feel encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

I think it is worth giving the divorced guy a chance, Dobby. Though I agree that it is time to bounce if there is any intense drama or lingering feelings for the ex! I went on a date with a divorced guy before I met oh (they had no kids). He was really lovely, but then it came out that he pays his ex alimony and expects to be friends with her for forever .. so I was like "nope!" on that one. There's a fine line between being an awesome and kind ex, and being a bit weird and bringing way too much baggage! I also found it totally odd that he'd potentially remarry, have kids etc and still forever send money to his ex. If you have kids, then obviously there's a reason for that- but just as exes? You absolutely deserve a good guy, and I say that you should hold out for it. Just my opinion: but as long as you're getting those needs met by a non-relationship prospect, you're not going to be putting all your energy into the whole package. If you give it a good, honest try and nothing comes of it, then regroup. But I say focus on you right now, and tell yourself that you deserve to be treated well.

Sorry the broodiness has hit again, giggle! I wish your OH would just relent already

Nothing exciting going on here. Know more and more people with covid, so wondering when our time will come. It kind of feels like it is imminent. Also haven't felt pregnant the last few days, but not sure if that is mental, just being busy with LO or actually means anything.

Also: you mentioned Sister Wives, Dobby... I watched the whole thing from the start last year when we were quarantined, and am watching the new episdoes now. Just wow. I also read people on the SW Reddit page calling Robyn "Sobyn", and well...

 

[DobbyForever]

Bbl just came to wtaf rant. So I went back and re-listened to the whole daughter situation. I incorrectly inferred that baby momma and ex wife were two different people. Got the brilliant idea to finally Google him. There was only one marriage, and she is, as he put it, actually quite impressive. She’s a doctor, did her residency at Yale, and breeds some rare dog breed and trains them to do search and rescue in her spare time. And she’s absolutely gorgeous. So. That’s fun. I already felt insecure enough with his whole I had a major and three minors and super high level tech job but now you want to go and tell me your ex is out here saving the world I teach fifth grade. I watch reality tv. I can’t even teach six grade because the math confuses me. And based on the public info I had, it looks like she filed and he dragged his feet. Could be wrong but they were married ten years! She just filed for divorce 6/2020. They don’t even have a final judgement yet. Ffffffffff it where’s a fork. I’m done. My stepdad says hear the guy out because obviously a divorce with a kid after ten years will be messy and he never lied to me just asked to talk about the details in person

 

[WinterBub]

Don't sell yourself short! Being a teacher is a really hard, and really important job. And who cares about her past? Clearly things didn't work for some reason, so despite whatever "perfect" features she has, she wasn't perfect for him. Plus, a lot of doctors have a God complex and are really difficult people to be around

So- I'm still team meet him in person and see what he says. But, if you're over it, then call it a day. Plenty more fish in the sea!

 

[Flueky88]

Dobby for real, don't sell yourself short. Teachers serve a very important role. We need teachers, no matter the grade level.

I'm going to be Swiss and not give an opinion though on whether you should give him a shot or not.

Winter sorry for lack of feeling pregnant the past couple days.

Gigs bleh to broodiness not going away.

Shae yay for ring purchase!! No more spoiling it though

 

[DobbyForever]

Still gonna pop in tom for a real post. My bff gave me a stfu you’re a queen pep talk then I seized the rare opportunity to take a salt bath (A’s bath toys are in the dishwasher) and listen to music and watch reels so my new motto is

 

[gigglebox]

I have so much to write but no time! It’s ds3’s bday today — he’s 3!! So crazy. Time goes by so quickly.

so I’ll get to some quick main points, starting with the biggest for me…

With this dang broodiness I was ready to ave a conversation with hubby last night that I needed him to put his foot down on #4 so I can get over it and focus on other things. I needed a definite “no” so I could move on. Well guess wtf what? HE brings up kids to me last night, and now he’s telling me he’s on the fence!!! It’s done my head in, ladies. So I may be on the real real ttc train again soon. The discussion will continue but right now I’m thinking we try for a couple months then throw down the white flag if nothing happens. If I can convince him, which right now I don’t think will be hard…

shae i found your story very interesting! I also followed a different path, dabbling in “wicca” in my teens only to discover I had an immense draw to nature, and still do, but being in nature is where I feel closest to God. I don’t know what I would classify myself as, I just leave it at “Christian” and have my own personal relationship with him. What kind of church do you attend now?

winter stop with those negative thoughts! Of course all is well in there! You’re creeping up on second tri so Some alleviation of symptoms is expected. Plus you know those hormones, they’ll leave you alone one day and wrecked the next. Remind me when the next scan is?

dobs I can see the point of hearing him out in person. And seriously, don’t sell yourself short. Obviously he sees something in you or he wouldn’t be talking with you. Anyway just be careful. Do you have a date set up?

 

[WinterBub]

Oh, giggle! That's so exciting!!! Totally made my day. I really hope he decides he's up for it. I wonder if your pheromones hit him or something I joke, but that is definitely for real for us. This is all very exciting

Next scan is Tuesday. and I'm not sure what I like about Walter. I like old man names, and can just see a cute little boy being a Walter. It's a moot point in this house, anyway.

And yes, dobby- should've said that too: do be careful. Both with your feelings, but also with your actual safety and all of that!

 

[Flueky88]

Dobby hey no shame in focusing on yourself!

Gigs, happy birthday to ds3!! Also omg so shocked about DH being ambivalent about a 4th! That is exciting though and I'm happy that he isn't in the definitely no camp.

Winter looking forward to your scan. Lots of positive vibes your way

 

[DobbyForever]

Shae idk how much I buy into the weed mom culture. Maybe it’s because I’m from Silicon Valley and that industry is basically run on weed I have a lot of friends who are moms who have a healthy relationship with weed. They don’t smoke in front of their kids, they wait until the kids are asleep. Usually they have an agreement that only one parent smokes in case of emergency, but I have some who one will get high and the other will just take a hit or two. And then obviously it’s all bets off if the kids aren’t home/around haha. I know my teacher friend smoked her pregnancy, not heavily, but she def did not give it up at least for first trimester. Her gyn used to get all over her for it. She just ignored her. Her husband definitely had no qualms smoking around here either. But both her babies turned out healthy. Can’t say I’ve really looked into the effects of weed on pregnancy.

I agree thanks for sharing your journey. Not gonna lie, I’m a bit exhausted to give it the full attention it deserves. But I hear you on focusing on the good person aspect. And I hear you on not giving up martial bd haha. Although I think yours is a different level because you and SO are committed. Sure rules are rules, but you having sex with him vs me sleeping with how many guys this summer? I’m at a point where I’d have to spend some serious time to tally up all my endeavors in life. Glad you’re continuing to explore what’s comfortable and meaningful to you.

Winter being busy can definitely take your focus on those symptoms. Honestly, I felt amaze balls with A. Sorry that covid seems to be creeping up on your doorstep. Here’s hoping that you can continue to avoid it or, if you get it, that you recover and have a mild case. OMG Sobyn lol. I was thinking damn she cries a lot this season hahaha. I do wonder how unhappy they really are and how much of this is just drummed up for the ratings.’

Gigs wow! That’s crazy! Time does fly! I do remember you mentioning your eldest. I know I’ll never know until it happens. I do think if he has a few more years, he’d be much more chill and independent. He just goes through phases where he will kick your a** if you get between me and him LOL. Were you able to do anything fun for DS’ birthday? OMG that’s crazy I can’t believe hubs is on the fence! That’s amazing! I love that plan. Give it a go for a few months. Ahhhh so exciting.

Fluek hope all is going well on your end! 3333

AFM so either I was right initially or he’s lying to me. He has a very unique name, so I have a hard time believing I found the wrong person. But he didn’t sound like he was spewing bullshit. Plus what he’s telling me is way worse than what I found hah. So he was like I’m twice divorced, 2005 and 2016. He sounded genuinely sad about it, but I don’t want to pry for more info over text. He also said the daughter is with a friend and there was never a relationship. I don’t want to pry over text if he means like the time I rebounded with my friend or if they were both getting old and pulled a friends with kids situation. He seems to have her after work the last few days and is invested in being her dad regardless of what the situation is. I did think he had a bit of a glow up when I was photo stalking and all the photos I saw were grainy. So it’s not out of the realm of possibility that I was wrong, but this is a really unique first name and the dates match up with his age. Idk. I think I’m in the camp of hear him out. Maybe it’s just because literally all the other guys have had zero shame in pointing out that, despite literally choosing my most mom photos, I have a sexual vibe and they want in on it. Like vomit city. He did leave me a sweet message yesterday when he explained the situation and another this morning. So he’s either actually a good guy or he’s full of s*. Only one way to find out.

I cleaned the house, took a walk, going to try to do my first peloton ride tonight, the bath was really helpful. My hcg ratio yesterday was 0.05 so it's definitely bittersweet. The impending negative is going to hurt, but I think it's really closure I need. I feel in a good place, I actually ate in the staff room the last two days.

 

[gigglebox]

Dobby keep us posted, I hope he’s one of the good ones. That is good he wants to be involved with his daughter. Did he say how old she is? I’m happy to hear your heart is healing a little. How are you getting these precise hcg numbers?

i know, crazy about hubs change of heart. I’m still on the fence. We’re in the home stretch of no more diapers now…and money to feed one more is going to suck…and pushing off my “freedom days” another 3 years…but it goes by so fast, those early days. We took the boys to a trampoline park to celebrate #3 and they had a blast. When we got back, our inlaws joined us for pizza and cake. The huge family was just so nice. I love the idea of a large family! Bil & sil are going to TTC #3, I think that’s part of what got hubby reconsidering.

Weed moms? This is a brand new term for me. I don’t smoke but when I used to be part of a moms group around here, i swear all of them did. It was no stranger than a glass of wine. It’s not for me but different strokes.

 

[DobbyForever]

I had my friend check and I’m definitely not searching the wrong person so he’s lying to me or I’m missing something but I bet it’s lying

 

[DobbyForever]

I’m just scanning my hcg tests like an opk on Premom lol. Ugh looking at is is sad.

omg that’s such a fun birthday! And oooo that would be kind of fun to potentially be pregnant at the same time. I’m a bad influence and I see your points but I agree. It goes by so fast so YOLO

 

[WinterBub]

I've never heard of a "weed Mom", just "wine Mom". So long as nobody is getting hurt, I'm on team you do you. I will say that I don't think it's cool to smoke while pregnant, though.

Lol, Giggle. Now that he's on the fence, you sound less sure! Are you really on the fence? Or more like really want to do it, but feel nervous? Im on team go for it, but I'm a bad influence your little boy's bday sounds wonderful . Glad he had a good day and you got to enjoy celebrating him with the family!

So what is he lying about? Or what doesn't add up, Dobby? if he's lying about something important, then I say keep on walking. I'm for giving people a chance/benefit the doubt. But if you know he's playing games, then cut your losses and move along.

How are you, Flueky? Any news on how things are going at work?

 

[DobbyForever]

So. He's saying that he's been divorced twice (2005 and 2016), and the daughter is a child that he had with his friend. I have a thousand questions, but I want to be respectful that he wants to have the conversation in person. So I'm trying to not launch into 20 Questions.

But when I go and google him, and I mean I had a friend double check what I found. I found his LinkedIn (lol this is why I deleted mine when I started online dating), and I confirmed his education. The high school he has listed has an alumni magazine. He's kind of a big deal, so he's in it a lot. They even printed an engagement and wedding announcement, with photos. So I know it's him. Unless I'm racist and having an all people look the same, it's him. And when I googled his name, a divorce record popped up. So according to that alumni magazine, they got married in 2010, divorce was filed 2020, and is still technically ongoing as no final judgement has been made. Given that his daughter is 3 years old, and the wife in this scenario would have been 37/38 at time of pregnancy... I just don't see it. The ex wife also has a super public social media presence, and I don't see a single picture of the daughter. Which could be fair, maybe she's like me and doesn't post her kid publicly on social. And all of his social is private except stuff he intentionally makes public for work.

So the dates, education, jobs, blurry but clear enough photos lining up, he's done a few podcasts and both my friend and I listened to them and the voice messages he leaves me and we're pretty sure that's the same guy.

So my concern is that my immediate knee jerk reaction to that divorce record is that he cheated on his wife and got his mistress pregnant so that's why his wife divorced him. I think she did it because she's the petitioner and she filed to enter default multiple times and it got denied, which my stepdad says usually means one party is being difficult. Especially because on the third time that she petitioned for default, it was granted. Now, my stepdad said there's likely a perfectly normal explanation for this so I should hear the guy out. But my stepdad is also the same guy who thought it was okay to change the deed on the house and not tell my mom SO LOL

I just don't have a tolerance for liars anymore. I've let small lies pass (lying about Mel being short for Melvin, not having a driver's license...) and it always comes to light that they are pathological liars and the lies get bigger over time. So to start off on something that potentially that big of a lie. No thanks. I really want to give him the benefit of doubt, but it just doesn't add up. His name is super unique. What I found matches all the info he's given me. I told him to hmu after he's done having dinner with his daughter, but it's like 9pm. She's 3. Like you should be long since done.

In other news, I did my taxes just have to wait to file. I'll be able to pay off my mom and my credit card and have a little bit to put away. Idk what changed this year, but I got a huge break on A's tuition that doesn't normally happen.

FTR at this point this is too much drama for me to actually get into anything with him. I just want the tea at this point lol. There's a story here, and I'm here to hear it LOL

 

[gigglebox]

Dobs but what you describe with the dates, your thoughts are exactly what I was thinking. Are you going to let him know the things you discovered if he doesn’t account for them? Also what were his podcasts about?

Winter I’ve been on the fence for probably a year now, but mostly a “no”. I think what has changed for me personally is that my time to have kids is about out in my mind. Also that ds3, who I thought may be super resentful with a baby, is getting older and easier. He had been pretty difficult this past year. But on the other hand I don’t feel my healthiest now and worry about how my body will handle another pregnancy. Recovery is so rough. Also not looking forward to losing my hair again.

But all that said, I’d go through it all for any of my kids all over again.

sorry to keep ranting to you all about it lol. There are plenty of logical reasons to not have any more kids. I just don’t feel done but I don’t know that I ever will. There was a time there after 3 that I felt very content. In fact when I had that suspected cp a year ago I was pretty upset (that i was pregnant). But then hubby was so supportive, it changed my mind I guess.

blah! Thoughts!

 

[shaescott]

Gigs ooooooo that’s so exciting that your DH is on the fence now instead of saying no!
I go to a non-denominational church. It works well for me at least at the moment, I don’t have to conform to a specific denomination’s beliefs, they have the core Christian beliefs (like apostle’s creed) and the secondary theological issues are more up for debate.

Dobs re: weed mom culture, I’ve seen some moms with a relationship to weed that makes me uncomfortable, but I can’t really judge the weed moms of Silicon Valley as a whole lol. Smoking during pregnancy is definitely a no-no in my book, but I’m glad her kids turned out fine.

That’s sus about this dude. I’m not liking it. Lots of red flags.

Hugs re: the hcg

 

[DobbyForever]

That was exhausting. So his story is, and he says he’s happy to show me the paperwork given my past and answer any questions....
He was married. Divorced 2005.
He did, in fact, marry the superhuman woman. Who, besides being accomplished, was a big deal in home country. They supposedly separated 2013, fully moved out and untangled lives 2016.
He knocked up his friend 2017, daughter born 2018.
2020 they realized they had been married in Germany and US, but that only took care of it in Germany. So they jointly filed to a dissolution by default. Got denied a few times because issues with the paperwork, which I do know those courts are not picky. They hired a lawyer to file it after messing it up twice, so that’s why third time’s the charm.
It sounds legit. But I’ve been bamboozled before. Nothing online so far suggests that he’s lying to me. And I do intend to have him pony up the paperwork.

 

[DobbyForever]

Lol I mean yeah when she was like I can’t believe my ob weed shamed me, I was like uhhhhhhhhhh no comment but yeah in SV is that weed or a skunk is a daily question lol. Scary amount of people high and driving.

 

[WinterBub]

Oh yeah, the ruining your body issue is a real one. I don't care about stretch marks Etc (although I was lucky in that department), but do care about damage damage. My belly button is already feeling strained, and I'm pretty sure I have diastasis recti and some other pregnancy souvenirs it's a hard decision to make if you feel like you're under pressure time wise. There's like a 1% chance we would have another one if this one is healthy and happy, but I'm pretty convinced that this will be it for us. I'll be 36 when he/she is born. We were talking last night about OH getting the snip. He's up for it, and doesn't think it's a big deal- he just worries I won't be as interested in him (which is silly). I am worried about any complications etc, but overall it seems like the right path for us. Just need to find the right doctor.

Hmmm, Dobby... I get the story and it all seems to line up. It just seems like a red flag to begin a relationship with showing paperwork I do appreciate that he seems to have fessed up to his whole past, though. I get that at some point it becomes really hard to date because you have baggage like this. I guess it depends how into him you are. If you really like him, feel a spark etc, then I wouldn't write him off. But if you feel like you're forcing it in any way, I'd probably break it off. Trust your instincts!

Glad that you found a church that works for you, Shae. Would you want to be married etc by the minister there?

Pretty- if you're reading along, hope all is going well.

AFM- woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache and feeling shivery, despite heavy blankets etc trying to decide whether to burn a covid test or not. We have 4 between us and they're sold out everywhere. Would like to know, but don't want to lose a test, and not sure if it matters whether I know or not. Seems to be no danger to baby etc if it is covid, so long as I don't get a fever

 

[shaescott]

Dobs I would say trust your FIRST instincts. You often get a bad feeling/red flags and then explain it away until you think it’s not actually that bad, that’s how it went with A’s dad. You’d describe how terribly he treated you and then when we’d call him abusive, you’d backtrack and say oh no well it’s not actually that bad, you don’t know him, etc. Not saying this in a mean way, just a factual way. I want you to be safe and happy. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Winter when is that ultrasound coming up? Sorry you feel sick. I wouldn’t use a test unless the symptoms continue and worsen, just stay home from work.
I don’t believe non-denominational pastors are ordained because they don’t belong to an official religious organization. So, I don’t think we could get married at that church. We’ll look more into options once we’re actually engaged.