Have You Considered This?

[Celesse]

My nephew came out when he was 19. Made no difference to me - my father (his grandfather) found it difficult, but I think that's generational.

If H tells me in the future I will be sad, but only because it will make her life more difficult, as we still live in a homophobic society, and because that might mean that she does not have the opportunity to have her own child, which as we all know now, is the most amazing and fulfilling experience available to humankind.

Ooh I'm filling up!!
xx

I think things are rapidly geting better. I'm 30 and my youngest sister is 24 and there is a massive difference between how homosexuality is considered by her same age friends conpared with mine. When we where all 18 and someone came out it was a big deal, when they where 18 and someone came out it wasn't. If it continues the same way, by the time our babies are 18 it wont matter at all and that means there will be the same oppurtunity's for gay people, including making it easier to become parents if they wish.

 

[Mynx]

I have 2 girls, Elisha - 18 years old and Evie - 1 year old.

If Elisha were to come to me tomorrow and tell me she's gay, then I would be surprised, (I'd be surprised because she's had dates and boyfriends, and always comments if a hot man comes on the TV ) but completely supportive. The same thing goes for Evie when she's older. I like to think that Elisha can come to me with absolutely anything and I hope that Evie will be the same. When someone "comes out", then they need all the support they can get, because many so called friends will probably turn their back on them. I know that I will be there for them, regardless.
They are my kids, my flesh and blood and their sexuality would have no effect on my love for them. It would still be the same.. UNCONDITIONAL!

 

[Kalah]

I had already posted my opinion but I just ashed OH what he would think and it kind of made me sad =( He said if it was a girl he wouldn't care but if it was a boy he would feel like he did something wrong as a parent and he wouldn't hate him or be mean but he wouldn't see him as a son anymore. I tried to explain it wouldn't be anyones "fault", but you all know how hard it can be to change someone's mind. Was kind of depressing to hear though, made me wonder if we had a son and he was gay should I even tell him about it..

 

[divadexie]

One of my best friends from school, and another not so close friend, and one of my good friends from college are gay. I don't have a problem with it at all.
When my son is old enough to understand (and LO too) I will make sure they know its ok that men like men and women like women and sometimes people like both.
Me and OH have already talked about this, it came up jokingly in a conversation a couple of years ago when my son kissed my friends wee boy at a party lol.
Neither of us have a problem with it and want to make sure the kids know this.

 

[Foogirl]

Was kind of depressing to hear though, made me wonder if we had a son and he was gay should I even tell him about it..

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure he'd handle it ok. Of course human nature will lead someone to ask "was it something I did" and be confused and perhaps upset but unless he has a screaming case of homophobia, he will undoubtedly still love his son regardless.

Mr Foo's dad handled BIL coming out really well - better than his mum for sure. She was worried and upset and went into hugely overprotective mother and has remained ever since. For his dad it was a lightbulb moment. For a long time he hadn't been able to relate well to his son and couldn't understand why he was useless with a screwdriver and never hung about the shed with him like Mr Foo did. When BIL came out it was a case of "aaahhhh, so that's why. They got on much better after that.

I do take exception to the comment that CIML made that it would be ok if they had other children because there would still be grandchildren. Of course we joked that Mr Foo and I were MIL's "last best hope" for grandchildren, there has been a huge amount of pressure on him in that regard. And now that Abby is here, she is the entire focus and it is difficult. After my FIL died, MIL actually said that Abby will fill the gap in her life. That's far too much to put onto a child. No child should be born with a job and that certainly isn't hers. Perhaps if she had grandchildren from her other son, she wouldn't be so manic about it.

I too am not entirely sure where I sit on the gay adoption thing. On balance I'm for it I think. I'm happy that any child has loving parents, no matter how many or what sex. It takes a village to raise a child and an influential person in their life need not be a parent - or even a relative. Good parents will raise their children well no matter what their sex. But I'm worried it could open them up to be "different" from the other children and could lead to bullying - we all know how cruel children can be, especially around the age of 9 or 10 where "you're gay" appears to be the cruel taunt of choice, especially amongst the boys. I worry enough that Abby will be picked on for having gay uncles - although I probably worry too much. I know children are picked on for all sorts of things, but would you want to intentionally put a child in that position? I certainly don't agree that the religious adoption agencies should be forced into it as that is incredibly hypocritical.

It does really bother me that it is other people who shape my view on this. If only they would be far more accepting, it would make life so much better.

Can I also say, I'm loving this thread for all it is revealing about our posters. It's really interesting to see so many different experiences.

 

[amygwen]

It wouldn't change the way I felt about him at all. I have some very close homosexual friends and watching them go through their struggles everyday of hiding who they really are to people like their mom & dad makes me really sad. I watched my best friend 'come out of the closet' and it was such a wonderful experience because I could tell it made him feel better which is all that matters. I don't want Kenny to ever think he should be ashamed of who he is and I hope I will bring him up to realize he can tell me ANYTHING and I will always stand by his side no matter what.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Nobody ever picked on me at school for having a gay mum (although only a small number of people knew). However I did sit there a lot with my blood boiling privately about general comments being made about gay people.

 

[RJsMum]

I had already posted my opinion but I just ashed OH what he would think and it kind of made me sad =( He said if it was a girl he wouldn't care but if it was a boy he would feel like he did something wrong as a parent and he wouldn't hate him or be mean but he wouldn't see him as a son anymore. I tried to explain it wouldn't be anyones "fault", but you all know how hard it can be to change someone's mind. Was kind of depressing to hear though, made me wonder if we had a son and he was gay should I even tell him about it..

I would probably feel a bit the same as you in this situation, to be honest. My ex (just before I met/married DH) would always say to me that he hoped he "didn't have a disabled child" (apparently BnB censors the real, derogatory word he used). I tried reasoning with him much like you, Kalah, that a physical/mental disability wouldn't define the child and he flat out said he would want to give it up for adoption!

Deep down I knew we wouldn't work out...but I am SOOO glad I dodged THAT bullet! (And Kalah, my ex was an ass...so in no way am I trying to say your OH is this way, just empathizing that it's tough when one partner isn't on the same page on a controversial issue.)

 

[Foogirl]

Also wanted to add, it took 12 pages but I can't believe we have already had "gay" and "abusers" in one paragraph. I get so incensed at that link and it is always inevitable. Most men (or women) who abuse children are not gay - whether they prey on boys or girls. Their adult sexual preference has nothing whatsoever to do with them abusing children. Abusers are depraved individuals who's sexual "preference" is for children.

For them to be considered homosexual, they would need to be considered human and they aren't that either.

 

[AppleBlossom]

My daughter's dad is gay. I would really hope that when she goes to school, anyone that knows that will not be so narrow minded as to tease her about it

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Foogirl I get incensed at that link also, and the fact that I have to explain what you explained above, reasonably regularly to perfectly intelligent people.

 

[Foogirl]

Nobody ever picked on me at school for having a gay mum (although only a small number of people knew). However I did sit there a lot with my blood boiling privately about general comments being made about gay people.

That's kind of what I'm getting at. That must have been really hard for you. I'm the kind of person who would have had to have it out with them and would have ended up getting into so much trouble (and numerous fights) because of it. Surely those sorts of comments could really shape a childs attitude towards their parents? Or hurt to an extent that is difficult to get over? Certainly whenever I heard my nephew using the word in a derogatory way, I would give him a verbal slapping and tell him not to be so bigoted and ridiculous.

Was it a conscious decision that only a few people knew? What do you think would have happened if you piped up "my mum is gay" when you heard those comments?

I'm really curious about this now. I think what I'm looking for is to lose that last little bit of objection I have around gay adoption. For someone who has been through it to say "ach, no it's fine, it was no problem at all"

 

[Foogirl]

My daughter's dad is gay. I would really hope that when she goes to school, anyone that knows that will not be so narrow minded as to tease her about it

See, this is what I mean about learning so many interesting stories. I read that and think "how on earth did that happen?"

I'm not sure if I am curious because I love watching people and learning about their lives and seeing just what a patchwork of differing lives and stories we have here in the UK and across the world - or if I am just a nosy biatch

 

[Foogirl]

... disabled child" (apparently BnB censors the real, derogatory word he used)....

yep, so much so that when I posted about fire r-e-tardent the other day it starred it out

 

[AppleBlossom]

My daughter's dad is gay. I would really hope that when she goes to school, anyone that knows that will not be so narrow minded as to tease her about it

See, this is what I mean about learning so many interesting stories. I read that and think "how on earth did that happen?"

I'm not sure if I am curious because I love watching people and learning about their lives and seeing just what a patchwork of differing lives and stories we have here in the UK and across the world - or if I am just a nosy biatch

FOB was a gay in denial. I was naive enough to believe that the gay experiences he had had before were 'in the past' and I was very wrong and he left us for a man. I don't blame him for being gay, you are who you are. I blame him for lying to me and stringing me along. In his case, I think he did it as a favour to his mum, who isn't getting any younger and his older sister is a lesbian, so grandchildren weren't really on the horizon. He isn't a very nice person to say the least. But then I guess as someone has said, even these days, it's easier to be straight and I suppose older men especially have families, get married etc thinking it will be easier for them to live a lie but somewhere down the line they get found out and that's how there are children around with gay parents (if their parents aren't a gay couple of course!)

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Nobody ever picked on me at school for having a gay mum (although only a small number of people knew). However I did sit there a lot with my blood boiling privately about general comments being made about gay people.

That's kind of what I'm getting at. That must have been really hard for you. I'm the kind of person who would have had to have it out with them and would have ended up getting into so much trouble (and numerous fights) because of it. Surely those sorts of comments could really shape a childs attitude towards their parents? Or hurt to an extent that is difficult to get over? Certainly whenever I heard my nephew using the word in a derogatory way, I would give him a verbal slapping and tell him not to be so bigoted and ridiculous.

Was it a conscious decision that only a few people knew? What do you think would have happened if you piped up "my mum is gay" when you heard those comments?

I'm really curious about this now. I think what I'm looking for is to lose that last little bit of objection I have around gay adoption. For someone who has been through it to say "ach, no it's fine, it was no problem at all"

It kind of was a conscious decision that only a few people knew. I had very little confidence and struggled a little socially as a child, (this started when my parents were still together). So I would have handled any direct bullying about my mum very badly indeed. I also feared losing the few friends I did have, obviously as a pre teenager I didn't have the 'if they are real friends they won't have a problem' type attitude, all I wanted to do was fit in really! I did not want to be seen as different.

Once I got to about 17 and sixth form I would speak up for myself and gay people in general and I didn't care who knew about my mum. By then one of my best male friends had come out and we gave each other a lot of support which helped. When i told people then that my mum was gay, the responses were usually 'that's so cool!' etc. I honestly don't know what the response would have been like at age 11-16, I'm afraid back then the more troublesome individuals at school may well have been very unpleasant about it.

 

[Lyndz]

It wouldn't bother me. I want me & Bella to have the same, close relationship me & my mum have where she feels she can tell me absolutely anything.

 

[redpoppy]

Somewhat off topic but in terms of bullying, I really do think that a large proportion of kids WILL be bullied or picked on and as a parent it's about how you teach your kids to stick up for themselves or not be affected and come out as unscathed as possible. We can control a certain number of things but realistically kids can be picked on for pretty much anything and most will probably have someone try at some point or other perhaps.

 

[Foogirl]

FOB was a gay in denial. I was naive enough to believe that the gay experiences he had had before were 'in the past' and I was very wrong and he left us for a man. I don't blame him for being gay, you are who you are. I blame him for lying to me and stringing me along. In his case, I think he did it as a favour to his mum, who isn't getting any younger and his older sister is a lesbian, so grandchildren weren't really on the horizon. He isn't a very nice person to say the least. But then I guess as someone has said, even these days, it's easier to be straight and I suppose older men especially have families, get married etc thinking it will be easier for them to live a lie but somewhere down the line they get found out and that's how there are children around with gay parents (if their parents aren't a gay couple of course!)

It does sound like he needs a slap.

I have another question and I'm sure it's one you've been asked before so I apologise for being dull, but, is it really easier if your OH leaves you for another man than another woman? That's what so many women would have us believe, but I'd wager those who say that have never been in your situation!

It kind of was a conscious decision that only a few people knew. I had very little confidence and struggled a little socially as a child, (this started when my parents were still together). So I would have handled any direct bullying about my mum very badly indeed. I also feared losing the few friends I did have, obviously as a pre teenager I didn't have the 'if they are real friends they won't have a problem' type attitude, all I wanted to do was fit in really! I did not want to be seen as different.

Once I got to about 17 and sixth form I would speak up for myself and gay people in general and I didn't care who knew about my mum. By then one of my best male friends had come out and we gave each other a lot of support which helped. When i told people then that my mum was gay, the responses were usually 'that's so cool!' etc. I honestly don't know what the response would have been like at age 11-16, I'm afraid back then the more troublesome individuals at school may well have been very unpleasant about it.

Booo. No "ach no it will be fine.....?"

It does sound exactly like how I would have thought it would be. For all we are supposed to be a more open and tolerant society, that message doesn't seem to have trickled through to the 9-16 year olds!

 

[RHR]

I hope to have the type of relationship with my DD and any other future children, where they can come to me and tell me anything. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my parents, so I hope I can be a better mum in that respect than my mum wad to me.

I will love my daughter no matter what.