icsi in 2011?

[GillAwaiting]

Hi everyone,
Things not going too good for me. Did beta hcg this morning, 72 hours after the 1st one. The 1st one was 457 and the 2nd one today only 694. Not looking good. Right now Im not sure if I can do this again. 3 strikes. This probably won't even be classed as a miscarriage and more like a chemical or something. I go back in 2 days to do another one.

I wouldnt mind but at the same time as having the test I had yet another round of intralipds and it took hours. 300 euro down the tubes.

It might be time to kiss this dream goodbye.

 

[Lolly1985]

Oh sweetheart, I truely hope not. Was coming on to see how you were doing and my heart has sunk. I really don't know about Beta levels as never had a BFP and if I had my clinic don't do them, but I hope your fear is not realised. One step at a time lovely, thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello to everyone else, I hope you are doing well. I will post again soon but right now want to offer Gill my thoughts and prayers

 

[annie25]

oh gill im so sorry hun hugs hugs hugs xxxxxxx as lolly said my clininc dont do betas either so i have no ide until that scan what is going to be.

you are in my thoughts xxxxx

 

[GillAwaiting]

Auh thanks guys. I slept for a few hours and cried for a bit on DH. Feel like crap but it's time to try to pick myself up off the floor yet again and try to function over the next few days. I emailed the cons and hopefully she will meet with us on Wed afternoon with the results of the next hcg test so we can discuss our options. I think now its either icsi with imsi or egg donation. Neither of which we can afford. Do we cut our losses and roll with the adoption process?

Not looking forward to the physical end of things. The last 2 m/c's were pretty horrendous but they were further on than this so hopefully this will be just like a bad period.

Im surprised your clinics don't do the beta hcg tests. They are the cheapest and easiest tests of the bunch. But now that you say it, when I knew I was m/c the last time, the regional hospital here (who didn't believe me, long story, ignorant doctor) could have saved me a lot of heartache if they had ran 2 blood tests 2 days apart but of course they didn't. I tell you what, I'd know the next time and not wait weeks to confirm a m/c. Dropping numbers or numbers not doubling, tells plenty.

It's all very hard isn't it. As I was on the long drive to the apt today I was thinking about how joyless this bfp really was and envious of all those people that feel elated by those double red lines on the test, instead of the grip of fear followed by permanent knee trembling anxiety.

Annie you are prob too far along now to be troubled by hcg numbers anyway! Im so rooting for you. This thread needs some good news. Lolly, thanks for thinking of me. You've had so much disappointment yourself, I really appreciate your empathy. I had a feeling from the beginning we would end up at the ICSI gate and even at that knew adoption was a very real prospect. I didn't think it was co-incidence when the adoption people rang me the day after egg collection to tell me things were moving along. Maybe I should stop ignoring the signs!

Oh what price would we pay for a crystal ball for 5 minutes

***Update - cons emailed me back and said she would be a little more optimistic and would scan me on Wed. She said as there were two embryos implanted, we could be losing one. Nice of her to email me back though at 10pm.

 

[GillAwaiting]

Hey you guys, Im back with more updates. What a rollercoaster this whole thing is. So we went in for the blood test and scan. Scan showed one egg/yolk/sac thing (whatever its supposed to be) and all looked grand. It looked like the other one didnt do good and was just a very feint dot with no doughnut thing around it. Dr seemed optimistic at that point. We were still unable to breathe. She called us a few hours later with the bhcg results and would you believe it, the numbers have almost tripled since Monday!! 1800!! She said the numbers were extremely high to begin with, so we started out with 2 embryos and then one dropped off which accounted for the non-doublling figures but it all seems on track now again. They are going to scan me again next Tuesday which would be 6 weeks. My nerves are completely shattered. If I thought valium was safe I'd be asking for a bucket of it.

Anyone heard of this - She gave me new prescription for pregnyl shots to take twice a week. They are literally pumping everything possible into me. i can't fault this clinic for doing their best no matter what the outcome. Dr said she was planking it incase I was having triplets when she got the first lot of numbers because I have a very small uterus.

So I guess Im still pregnant at this minute. We have family praying for us all over the world today. I never felt so glad to be feeling completely sicky and rotten. I would be gloriously happy to vomit my guts up but that hasn't happened to me before.

 

[annie25]

gill thats fantastic news! i now see why betas can be bad sometimes hun! xxxx so glad your still preggo! take it easy xxxx

 

[GillAwaiting]

Hi everyone, how are you all doing? Its been so quiet on this thread lately. Are you all getting ready for Christmas or hiding under the covers waiting for it to be over? There should be a lot of action in January with the new icsi cycles and meetings. You are all in my thoughts for the new year.

Things not going so good for me. The feelings seem to have disappeared in my breasts and Im having kinda like slight butterfly pains in my lower abdomen. I don't seem to be as bloated either. From the previous 2 m/c's, I know these are not good signs and Im feeling very down. Scan on Tuesday and if things have gone down the tubes then it's off the meds to allow m/c bleed to kick in.

Im wondering today why life has to be so cruel. Every so often a carrot gets dangled to give you hope and then it's taken away. The fight has just gone out of me.

 

[GillAwaiting]

gill thats fantastic news! i now see why betas can be bad sometimes hun! xxxx so glad your still preggo! take it easy xxxx

How are you doing Annie? Im fed up talking about myself on here on the whole time. Have you had any symptoms or feeling anything? Have you considered going for a private scan to see how thing are going?

 

[GillAwaiting]

Please please somebody tell me Im not nuts. My father in law thinks telling my DH on the phone to keep smiling because it could be worse, is going to help. He obviously has no clue. Poor DH was really annoyed and feeling thoroughly unsupported. I didn't add fuel to the fire but Im raging really. It made me realise how little they understand.

 

[Lolly1985]

Oh Gill sweetie, thats the massive problem. they just don't understand. In can make me so so angry, but I think sometimes the utterly stupid things people can say make them feel better about the situation. They feel they are helping and can't see it like we do. When we told BIL we were adopting (I was blubbing as had just tested negative) and would maybe go overseas, he kept going on about how he didn't want a nephew called vladimere!! I mean come on!!! He kept saying it and I know he was feeling awkwards and trying to make me smile, but totally inappropriate. In the end DPs sister shouted at him and then a few days later he tooked me aside and apologised and was so nice.

Even me having gone through this journey, has no idea how you must be feeling right now, and I won't pretend to. I know how much this sh*t can hurt, but only got a whiff of the carrot. To take it away is just so cruel. I really hope that this isn't over for you. I would say look what happened last time, but I suppose you know your body. Keep taking steps sweetie and know that I have been thinking of you each day. I know it doesn't change anything and can't even begin to make you feel any better, but I just wanted you to know.

Love to both you and your hubby. I honestly don't know what else to say

 

[Lolly1985]

Hi Annie

I hope you are keeping well hun. Miss you guys! xxxxxxx

 

[GillAwaiting]

Well guys, the news at the scan was as expected. Pregnancy not a runner. My cons was off sick so another cons did the scan for me. I have to go back on Friday for meeting with our own cons to see what we do from here. It's very sad really. I don't know where to turn from here, something different to do.

The sac thing was there but nothing in it. There was at the last scan so one wonders where these things go?

Somehow Christmas just seems like a big joke today. Hopefully the miscarriage won't be as bad as the others.

Lolly thanks for your support. You are right, people just put their foot in it but probably don't mean to be cruel. DH and I are probably just a bit sensitive at the moment. We could be on the same adoption schedule soon you and I. Its scary all the information out there, the Hague Convention countries, all that stuff.

Today Im going to eat myself stupid and tomorrow Im going to start some exercise to try to combat some of the fat from the steroids.Time to bring the treadmill back in from the shed.

Annie Im rooting for you babes. You gotta give us some good news on this thread!

 

[annie25]

oh gill im so so sorry and i truly understaand how it feels to see an empty sac after one with sokmething in and nothing not even feeling thats the case can prepare you for that.

i am sending you all the hugs in the world and i dont know what else i can say other than you are in my thoughts xxxxxxxx

 

[annie25]

ok guys i had my scan and gill and lolly as you have asked me for some good news i am able to give you some and hope this boosts you all a little in your journeys!

im 8 weeks pregnant so my consultant decided to do my scan though my abdo and there it was on little baby wriggling slightly with a fantasic heartbeat! it was looking so big into comparison from last time and just looks so much healthier!

we are over the moon causiously xxxx

 

[Lolly1985]

Oh what a mixture of emotions...

Gill I am so terribly sorry you are having to suffer this pain again, life can be so hard. I will never understand why such cruel things can happen to people, it will never make any sense in my head. No words will make this any easier, but I send you my condolences and please know you are very much in my thoughts. i cannot imagine your pain right now, please be ok sweetie, I worry for you

Annie, in contrast, what lovely news. I wish we could all join you You do right to start thinking positively, why not, you are doing well and we are all behind you

Not too much news from me, still very much set on adoption. Just a waiting game to apply. Have been looking at adoption threads for advice and an insite but have not joined any yet. Wish we could start the process tomorrow, the thought excites me. Planning a lovely family christmas, then head down and study, then my birthday and visiting my brother in Ireland, and then hopefully apply for adoption feb/march time. Bring in on!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[GillAwaiting]

Oh Annie, that's wonderful news!! Really excited for you! it managed to put a smile on my face today because you're giving me hope!! Imagine you saw it wriggling around. That's so awesome. I bet you exhaled like never before. Brilliant. Best Christmas present. Please don't go off the thread. We want updates!!

AFM well things are up and down. The torture continues. My cons rang me at 6pm (she was off sick yesterday) to say stay on the meds that she wouldn't believe it until she scanned me herself. I did try to reassure her that we could see clear as day there was a sac with nothing in it and even though she had a look at the picture, she still wanted to be sure herself. So I can't get off the flipping meds. Will see her on Friday. She would have seen me tomorrow but DH has already booked Friday morning off work and couldnt change it at such short notice. Ugh. I drove up the north today to do groceries and I swear it was like I was on another planet. It took hours. I kept having to avert my eyes every time a buggy passed me but laughed to myself on the way home singing to Elton John "Im still standing". Uh huh, flippin' barely!

From doing reading it seems a blighted ovum isn't something that is likely to happen to a women very often but if I've learned anything in the last 2 years, it's if it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Been doing a lot of thinking and have loads to discuss with cons. If it's our 'ingredients' that are crap then maybe we need sperm and egg donation. If its my 'oven' that's goosed then maybe adoption is really the only way. Surrogacy just isn't an option in Ireland and we could never afford it in the U.S. Egg donation and sperm donation we could do though. Although god knows where we will pull the funds from. We're scrambling now to pay off the last loan so we can take out another. It's hard to know if 3 miscarriages are caused by some different things and maybe 2 were immune and 1 chromosome issues and bad luck. What do we do with our frozen egg? If 2 out of the last batch were crap, maybe we should abandon that one now and go for fresh cycle. Oh jeepers if anyone has any imput on this I'd love to hear it. Maybe I should put the question out there on BnB?? People will think Im nuts...

Sorry for the long message, my mind is firing in all directions. Im just not ready to throw in the towel yet.

 

[GillAwaiting]

You guys, you will never believe this. Went for scan this morning with our own consultant and we saw the little bean and got a heartbeat! Apparently everything looks good. Im completely in shock. My cons said not to let anyone else scan me except her for the next few weeks. I dunno, its early days but my god, what a turnaround. I thought I was feeling really sick the last 2 days because my pregnancy hormones must have been dropping but it must have been because they were going the other way. It's all very confusing. The cons was so lovely, spent ages with us and gave me a big hug before we left. She said she will continue to scan weekly until 12 weeks but is going on hols to see her fam and will be back on Jan 5th so she is going to scan me first thing that morning. I can't get my head around this at all.

Bloomin good job I didnt give up the meds.

So it turns out that they put 2 blasts back in and one we could see a separate empty sac, that didnt go anywhere. The other blast, has split into two. We could see 2 beans in the sac but one much smaller, no heartbeat. So there were mad things going on in there for a while.

Im terrified.

 

[annie25]

my goodness gill what a bizzare series of events you have been through! congratulations again!!! eeek fab news! god knows how u must be feeling the stress of it all!

your consultant is fab im not being scanned again til 4th jan seems like ages but ive decided to put my faith in my baby that he/she is comfy this time and hopefully yours is too! xxxx

 

[GillAwaiting]

my goodness gill what a bizzare series of events you have been through! congratulations again!!! eeek fab news! god knows how u must be feeling the stress of it all!

your consultant is fab im not being scanned again til 4th jan seems like ages but ive decided to put my faith in my baby that he/she is comfy this time and hopefully yours is too! xxxx

Oh Annie, I just don't know what to think. Took another pregnyl shot and it terrifies me. Don't know how I will get through the next three weeks. It's been so up and down. I was pregnant, then it was going downhill with the hcg, then pregnant again, then not (even got the whole 'Im sorry' bit from the other consultant) and now pregnant again? Im finding it hard to have faith. It's going to be a murderous three weeks without a scan. If we make it to the next scan though, it would mean that the bean had passed out the 2 stages where the other beans stopped growing. So yours is on the 4th and mine is on the 5th. Please god we make it and everything is ok.

How's everyone else out there today? Im so sorry for posting so much on here. It's turned into a right saga and i know Im probably boring you all to tears. People in my real life though, they don't know any of the technical stuff or understand the torture and disappointment we go through. This thread has been helping to keep me sane.

 

[Tinks85]

WOW Gill - Congrats hun, I am so so happy for you, its about time there was more sucess on this thread.