Is every man a potential paedo?

[Nibblenic]

Ok this is my first debate thread, so go gentle on me ladies

You may say obviously not because it IS obvious that they arent. When you sit and think rationally about it.

However, we were at soft play last month. I took my friend and children home first as we couldnt all fit in the car and we both agreed that I would have to leave Lo at soft play with OH as it would look 'funny/bad/questionable' if he was at a softplay without a child. But Ive been to a soft play many a time to have a tea and chat with a friend before I had lo.

This year a good (male) friend of mine was questioned about taking photos in the local park on his professional camera. He was taking photos of his children but he looked like he was alone in the park. Would this have happened if he had been a woman?

Even the best part of 15 years ago I can remeber my Granmother finding a very lost child in the local shopping centre and even she said that SHE would have to take the child to someone as if my Grandfather did it it wouldnt be 'right'

My Oh feels odd and thinks twice about picking up a child thats fallen over for this feeling of men touching children that arent known to them.

Share your experiences and debate

 

[redpoppy]

I find this really interesting. I clicked with the initial "what the!? Of course not!" instinct but I see what you're getting at.

It's really sad because one of my close friends also had an experience when he went swimming and there were these kids who starting splashing him and so he ended up befriending them and playing with some random kids. But then half way through he just stopped and thought: "Oh no! This will look bad, I better not play with these kids." He told me about it afterwards and said it's terrible that that is the way the world is now.

I do think the way modern society has become it's seen almost as unnatural for men to have an interest in kids. But I don't know what can be done about it.

We are more aware of paedos in society now. A lot more than I think people were. This is a bad thing for the most part. With statistics showing that abuse (from light touching or dirty talking through to much more grievous stuff) is a lot more common than many people thought. I know that not all abuse is from men but the reality is that the vast majority is. It's HORRIBLE that men can't publicly be seen as having a normal healthy relationship with children (outside of family) but if I think about it, due to knowing people who have suffered sexual abuse I know I would be very wary of men around my kids even those who would be mortified if they knew I felt that way.

After a specific case in our extended family where a family member's best best and very long time family friend was the aggressor I just don't think I could trust any man outside of immediate family. I know of far too many real life stories to not let it affect my parenting and it's horrible but the consequences are just far too damaging to try and be casual about this sort of thing. I have known four victims of sexual abuse (two are sisters with the same man being the abuser) and know four more where it was a passing (not regular) and not so serious occurrence. I know a lot of people so percentage wise it's not huge but people don't tell you stuff like this unless you're very close to them most of the time and so it's not a true idea of how common it is.

Anyway. I think it's terrible that people are so paranoid but if I think about it I am too.

I wouldn't however think a man taking photos of a playground as even remotely suspicious.

 

[AppleBlossom]

I think in the eyes of the public, yes. It's sad really, that men can't photograph their children in the park or at a swimming pool. At the same time, you never know. You hear about sex offenders and child abusers all the time and people say "He seemed like a nice guy" I suppose again, it's the case of the minority ruining it for the rest of them.

Eta: I would only be comfortable with close male family members looking after G. My dad, grandad and uncle.

 

[special_kala]

Like AB said in the eyes of society yes.

Chris has said he feels odd taking River to the park sometimes because of the way people look at him.

Its very sad that were like this but i guess its because its in the media so much its made everyone hyper aware

Though i would question why a woman was at a soft play centre without a child as much as i would a man.

 

[SKATERBUN]

sex offenders can be female too what about that discusting woman that worked in that Plymouth nursery

 

[Lightworker]

Unfortunately yep - one time one neighbour girl wanted to play with my DD1 but I was ill and DH was the only one that could supervise but I said no cuz I didn't want him to put himself in a position where he could be falsely accused for something,ya know. Also been reading a bio bout some girl that grew up in a Barnados home and the lesbian sexual abuse was horrific so to me men and women carry equal risk. Sad, but its a case of safer than sorry for me.

 

[smokey]

It sad as well that its not just men, these days women have the potential as well.
In some cases children are not even safe with imediat family mambers, I had a sick vile uncle that deserves to rot in hell that should have been trusted.
My childminder when I was little had four of her step kids taken away because their father was abusing the girls (they where 7, 12 and 13 at the time) and to this day its still believed that she knew about it.
Another friend was molestered by her own brother.
There are only 2 men I would trust with the safety of my children in that way and thats my husband and my father and I trust them 1000% any other man to me is a potential threat, sad but thats the way it has become and id rather be suspicios and safer then trusting/nieve and sorry

 

[Lightworker]

I agree Smokey, I did a short child protection course and they say that more often than not the abuser is someone that knows the family already.

 

[BlackBerry25]

I actually feel uncomfortable having H left in the care of any man other than my OH.
Maybe my dad? because I know he did nothing to me? but he would never want to watch H alone until she is much older anyways, if ever.

Yes, it almost ALWAYS is someone you know and trust. Thats how they get access to the kids and get away with it.

I have no reason for H to be in the care of a man anyways. Really the only women that watch her are family members as well.

 

[indy and lara]

Only in other people's eyes. Women can be abusers too so maybe the question should really be 'can anyone be a paedophile'. I am not paranoid about abuse and I am perfectly comfortable having male family members/ friends looking after LO. If I did not trust them then I would not have them in my life at all.

 

[PeanutBean]

This is a tricky one to answer, my opinion has lots of facets and caveats I think! First off I would say no. I personally don't ever think any man is likely to be a paedo, in real life, when I see them. I think I'm in the minority but it's really not something I worry about. As has been mentioned the vast majority of abuse cases come from within the family and close friends. It is really pretty rare for any kind of sexual abuse to be a totally opportunistic stranger. Of course I don't worry that any of my family and male friends are paedos either, even if statistically they are more likely to be iyswim.

BUT I do fear men a fair bit when in a vulnerable situation. So in the dark, basically any man walking behind could be a rapist. When I'm pregnant I feel more vulnerable at all times. When I'm pushing a pram I feel more vulnerable too. I don't think I fear paedophilia at all but I do fear men in these situations.

The thing is that anyone could be anything but almost certainly they are not so why worry about it? I do think that society is pretty OTT about paedophilia at the moment and I think it is untrue that sexual abuse is any more common than it ever has been - probably it is less so because of society's acceptance being less (I'm talking over the centuries here, not the past decade or two). I do feel for men and the pressure they must feel about their behaviour in many ways because of perceptions about their capability.

I think in the past people often knew not to leave their child alone with 'Uncle John' and without it being said this was respected to protect children. I think that sort of family awareness is perhaps not acknowledged so much now, perhaps because people are so afraid of it all.

 

[Nibblenic]

Maybe you have a point about men being felt as a threat generally.

Because as others have said women are just as likely to be a peado but you dont see that kinda reaction or at least I havent. Maybe we feel like men have a under laying threat about the already, being generally bigeger and stonger with the power to attack.

I was discussing this in RL with my friend whos is the one I mentioned in the OP. Apparently he was once at a local small soft play in the frame with his 18 month old and a woman made a huge scene of taking her child out because 'theres a man in there' Even though he was with his wife who was clearly too pregnant to be in the frame.
Apparently this left highyl embarrassed and upset and put him off playing with his own children in a soft play enviroment for many months.

 

[PeanutBean]

I just think that sort of hysterical behaviour is ridiculous and well ignorant. Like I said I would only be concerned if if I was in a vulnerable position. Being at a family place full of kids and parents is really not a vulnerable position and why on earth shouldn't a father be there?!

Though women do of course also have sexual disfunctions I really do think the majority are male and that that would be backed up with stats if I knew where to look.

People seem to think that anyone who is in any way unusual must be paedophiles. It's bizarre! There is a really weird man who lives somewhere near me and who I often see when bringing my son back from nursery. He talks out loud a lot and tends to run across the road or do erratic things. It's a bit unnerving but I would never think there was anything to it other than he is somewhat mentally ill or disabled. But I am sure that others would leap to wild conclusions. I just can't fathom the hysteria tbh.

 

[PeanutBean]

Slightly OT but DH is alright as he is short and slight and has long hair and a youthful face! He's not a target for women (they love him) but instead is a target for men who are evidently threatened by his not being all shaven head and Ben Sherman shirt.

 

[special_kala]

Maybe you have a point about men being felt as a threat generally.

Because as others have said women are just as likely to be a peado but you dont see that kinda reaction or at least I havent. Maybe we feel like men have a under laying threat about the already, being generally bigeger and stonger with the power to attack.

I was discussing this in RL with my friend whos is the one I mentioned in the OP. Apparently he was once at a local small soft play in the frame with his 18 month old and a woman made a huge scene of taking her child out because 'theres a man in there' Even though he was with his wife who was clearly too pregnant to be in the frame.
Apparently this left highyl embarrassed and upset and put him off playing with his own children in a soft play enviroment for many months.

thats awful. Whenever i see men at soft play centres i think its sweet that they are playing with their kids.

I do agree that men in general are seen as a threat. I think may be a woman thing as my OH is aware of how people view him but he doesnt view other men with the same suspicion

 

[PeanutBean]

Dh does view other men with suspician! Around here and on the bus to where he works he regularly gets threatening and abusive behaviour from other men.

 

[smokey]

The reason why I see men as a potential theat (not as a threat just a potential one) is because I have just seen too much of it to think otherwise.
Like I said my uncle was one.
A great uncle after he died when we where clearing his possisions out we found boys pants and other bits in a bag hidden.
My childminders huband did 10 years for abusing his daughters over the course of years.
My friends brother molestered her.
A neighbor was recently arrested for having photos of him with little boys (and animals)
My officer (from cadets when I was a kid) brother was arrested back last year for photos and charges against children and he was a caretaker in a school.
3 seperate teachers I have had in the past have been done for having affaires with girls ranging from 10 to 15 and a forth was arrested for molesting boys in my primary school.
My mums friend was put into care at 11 because her father was molesting her and then went on to molest her daughter (there was 3 other young girls but nothing was proven)
A lad I went to school with was arrested a few years back for flashing in a playground.

Is it no wonder I see potential threats, im not one to go hysterical and make a big scene just because there is a guy in the playground but I am one to be watchfull and bare in mind that these things can and do happen.

 

[TattiesMum]

I'm exactly the same as Smokey ... I've seen far too much of it to be blase about it, but it is more a case of being watchful and aware rather than hysterical.

My first husband turned out to be a paedophile
His brother (a care worker) was later convicted of abusing children in his care.
My best friend's father abused her sister - although he's never been charged or convicted.
My now DH was abused by both his father (who was later convicted of abuse of a neighbour's child)
He was also abused by his stepfather
Another friend's brother was convicted of possessing child porn images.
Our local scoutmaster was recently convicted of abuse

As a result I'm wary of everyone - and not based on looks or behaviour either My children were taught early how to recognise inappropriate behaviour and how to tell people about it and keep themselves safe, no-one ever bathed or changed them except me and, to be honest, I can't recall ever leaving them alone with a male from when the youngest was about 2 (when I found out about my ex)- even family members

 

[PeanutBean]

I notice that in both smokey and tattiesmum's experience abusers are male and known. I think I know of three women who were abused by uncles as children/teens. Our head at school was found to have child porn on his computer. It makes sense to he more wary of men you know.

 

[Laura2919]

I can see how some men can come across like that even the most innocent of situations like playing at the swimming pool or taking pictures in the park.
I have also heard its likely to be someone you know but my girls go to nursery and I have to put my trust into them to care for my children correctly, they have men and women there. Its not something I think about when I leave them there.

It is sad because I have a dad and a brother and I would be upset if someone thought they were peados because they took pics in the park, its so easy to label someone these days.