June Baby Angels

[angel2010]

My internet was down MIA- missing in action

I still need to catch up on all of you, but before I do, I hope you all don't mind a little vent from me.

As some of you may know, my sil is pregnant. Due 2 weeks before I would have been. I thought I was taking it okay and that I wasn't too bothered. She has mentioned her pregnancy once or twice on facebook and has been pinning a few pregnancy things on pinterest, nothing over the top. But for some reason, it is making me very angry. Maybe I am getting into the anger phase of a loss. I don't know. It makes me so mad to see her post, mad like she is rubbing it in on purpose, when I KNOW she isn't. I even had a dream about it last night. I am scared that if we see them for the holidays, that I won't be able to handle it.

 

[Middysquidge]

Don't worry Angel, I think it's a totally normal reaction. WE want something so desperately and it feels like everyone has it apart from us. Lately, it feels like everywhere I look everyone is pregnant or just had a baby and we're in this stupid limbo phase where I can't even get on with trying, it's not fair.

I just did the most stupid thing, I hate being me, it's like I have no brain to mouth filter like other people. I just bumped into someone from work, I don't even know her that well, she's lovely though. Anyway, I was asking het how she was and she was like 'oh, I'm just soooo tired', I thought I wonder if she is pregnant, looked down at her belly, thought she's not showing. So I said 'How come?' Anyway, she went 'I'm pregnant.'

I was gutted. I thought not another one! Stupidly, I said really casually 'Oh, I just lost one actually, I was 12 weeks pregnnat but lost it at 9 weeks.'

Well as you can imagine she looked shocked and upset, it's only her first baby too. I can't believe I just made someone feel so awkward it wasn't intentional but everytime someone mentions babys or pregnancy all I can think of is my poor little baby bean that died. I'm so upset and I hate myself.

 

[angel2010]

I'm sorry that happened. I am struggling with saying that type of thing too. When I saw her last post, it said something like "I just did a 5k, pregnant and all". This is so awful, (please don't judge me fo being so honest) but I thought in my head "That's great, I gave birth to my baby in the toilet!". My thinking is so warped right now. I go tomorrow for my first check-up since it has happened. I wonder if I should mention my thoughts and feelings.

 

[Middysquidge]

Yes, my thoughts and feelings have become like this too. I am being really blunt about it sometimes because I feel really angry that it happened. I wouldn't judge you for saying that, I said something really similar the other day and think things like that all the time!
I would maybe mention it to them, I might too. I have had no offer of appointment or counselling or anything, feel like I'm supposed to get on with it now and I feel like I could really do with talking to someone about it too.

Big June angel hug for you sweetie, I totally understand how you feel x

 

[StefNJunk]

I hope you will be okay, it will get easier for you and good luck at the docs! Meli and Stef, you're both starting ttc in January then, that's the same as me! How about you Jessandj? When are you trying lovely and sweetmommaof2? Stef, I hope you are starting to feel a little brighter too?

Yep, as long as all goes properly and af comes along. I was thinking to expect her around Xmas time, but I still haven't stopped bleeding, so it may be later. either way, I should o sometime in January.

And yeah, I am. OH and I had a talk the other night, he always knows how to make me feel better.

We went to look at a house we've been eying for awhile yesterday. Turned out to be a bust, needed way more work than it looked in the pics (including the deck on the back being torn off and rebuilt, and the ceiling between the kitchen and living room looked as if it were falling down!). Sucks... perfect location, good price (now we know why!), looked good in pics... Moving on to look at more houses.

So I just realized if af does come around Xmas and I o when I'm supposed to (and I'm always very regular, so I SHOULD, unless it's messed up this time) and get preg, my due date will be right around, if not ON, my 30th bday. That would be crazy... last two due dates were on special occasions - first one my anniversary with OH, second one Father's Day.

 

[vegasbaby]

Good morning ladies.

Stef: Sorry the house wasn't perfect. You will find the right one soon enough.

Angel: I know where you are coming from. My SIL is pregnant and I am already trying to figure out how to avoid her at Christmas. She has been nothing but supportive, but I just know it is going to be tough. I think we all need to recognize that we cannot change our situation nor anyone else's, but we can change how we react to others. I read this blog by a woman who went through a miscarriage and cancer and she has this mantra about always choosing joy. It is a hard choice to make right now, but I believe if we let in joy everything around us will change for the better. Big hugs to you. If you need to talk we are all here for you or you can PM me any time.

Jasmine: You are right. The breeders are everywhere! I saw a pregnant woman crossing the street today and contemplated hitting her with my car. I was still parked at the church where I had just dropped my dd off at mother's day out and this was the kind of thought rolling around in my head. She made it safely to the other side of the street before I even put my car in drive. I hated myself for even thinking it. Who knows what else is going on in her life. My situation could be much better than hers.

So I just got back from my doctor. She freaked me out because she asked if my dh was there and when I said no she asked me to get him on the phone. I told her you can't get reception in the exam rooms so she said we could call him from her office after the exam. Well, she told me everything I already knew. Yes, it was a partial-molar pregnancy. There is a 2-5% chance I might get cancer from it. And then she told me the news I knew was coming and I didn't want to hear: She said that once my hcg levels hit negative (5 or below) then my blood will need to be monitored for six months to make sure no tissue comes back in the form of cancer. I played along, but based on my research once I reach zero then only a three month wait is really needed. I think I can wait that long. I just really need to be back to TTC before I hit my due date. For some reason I feel if I can conceive and carry to term this next baby then this was meant to be since I would have never been able to have the second baby had the first pregnancy not ended. I know that may be irrational, but that is my goal. Of course my hcg may not come down and I may have to have the chemo and all of this may be put on hold for much much longer, but I am staying positive that my numbers will fall and not return. We did not call my dh, as she said we already knew as much as she did. Ahhh, thanks google!

 

[StefNJunk]

vegasbaby, hoping to find the right house soon! I realize we just really started seriously looking, but I'm not a patient person, and I want everything to be settled.

I COMPLETELY understand wanting to be pregnant before the due date rolls around. I also want to be, and I don't think that thought is irrational at all. It will make what happened have a purpose, and there is nothing irrational with wanting something so devastating to have meaning. I hope all goes well with your hcg dropping and you staying cancer free, sending thoughts

I've also had the negative thoughts you ladies have been having, and it sucks. I feel like I need to put more positive energy into the universe, and I believe I have been, but hearing about other people's pregnancies and seeing other pregnant women feels like a punch in the gut. I actually yelled at the radio when the DJ started talking about Kate and Will. Whenever I hear the words "mom," "baby," etc., I make comments to myself in my head. It sucks.

And angel, no one here is going to judge you for that thought. I've thought the same thing.

 

[jenkb123]

My due date was June 28. My husband and I had been ttc since we got married a year and a half ago. I know that a lot of people with fertility issues try unsuccessfully for a lot longer than that. I have always loved and wanted kids. I feel like I have been waiting for a really long time for the timing to be right to start a family. When we finally started ttc I just figured it should happen right away. I am 37 and my husband is 41 so we are getting older and feel our biological clocks ticking. My cycles were not regular and it was really difficult to pinpoint the right time of the month to conceive. I did a bunch of tests and everything seemed to be normal except we couldnt be sure that I was ovulating (which is obviously essential) My last cycle prior to our bfp I used Provera and Clomid, did follicle tracking, and got the HCG shot. We were both so excited when we realized that it all worked and we were finally pregnant. I realized that I was probably pregnant on my birthday but due to the HGC shot I had been given I couldnt be sure if it was a real bfp or if it was due to the leftover HGC in my system from the shot. Once we were certain it was a real bfp we told our families right away (as they knew what we had been going through with the fertility treatments) and everyone was so excited.

I think because we had had so much trouble conceiving there was a part of me that didnt really feel like it was real. I had been scheduled for an early scan at 7 weeks (due to the increased chance of multiples with clomid they wanted to see if there was more than one baby). In my mind I was waiting for this scan to really believe that it was real. I went by myself as I wasnt expecting to be able to see much and didnt think to tell my husband to take time off of work to come with me. Due to the follicle tracking I was quite certain of my dates. I should have been 7 weeks. They did the internal u/s and the doctor doing the scan said that the baby was measuring 5w3d. I knew right away that this was not possible. She said everything looked good for 5 weeks. When I saw my own doctor a few minutes later she told me what I already knew in my heart. That it was quite possible the baby had stopped developing at 5 weeks. She said we needed to test my HSG levels and do another ultrasound a week later. I realized at that point that I had noticed my pregnancy symptoms disappearing over the last week or so. My incredibly sore breasts were barely hurting. The indigestion I was feeling at night when I was trying to go to bed had stopped. Even though I wanted desperately to find a way to believe that it was possible that we could be two weeks behind the dates I was certain of I knew that things were not going to be ok. My husband did not want to believe that there could be a problem. He kept saying we didnt know for sure and sending me links to articles about other people that had noticed a decrease in their symptoms and things turned out ok. It was really hard for me to see him so hopeful when I knew in my heart our baby was gone.

The next day I started cramping and spotting. We found out that my husbands grandma had passed away overnight. My parents cat (he was 14 years old) took a turn for the worse and had to be put down. In the meantime I was in limbo not knowing for sure what was going on. It was a very difficult few days. The bleeding and the cramping got progressively worse and my husband started to face the possibility that we had lost our baby. I went back in to the doctor to get the results of the blood tests. I was expecting them to tell me that my levels were dropping to get the definitive answer I needed. Instead they told me that my levels had increased (although it was not enough to show things were ok). I had to wait 4 more days to get the ultrasound to show me the definitive results. During this time we went out of town to my husbands grandmas funeral. I completed my miscarriage in the car driving to and from and attending a funeral. The cramping and the pain was getting significantly worse and I was having a lot of clotting. I knew for 95% sure what was happening (although there was still that small part of me that was clinging to the hope that things could still be ok). When I finally got to go for my u/s they confirmed what I already knew. There was nothing there. The only good thing was that I had already completed the miscarriage and did not need any further medical interventions. I suspected that they would not find anything on the scan as the pain and clotting had peaked and reduced the night before. I stopped bleeding completely a couple of days later. I only bled for about 10 days, at least four of these days were quite light.

We are planning to try again after one regular cycle. Everyone keeps saying to me that it is such a positive thing that we got pregnant. That we found the magic cocktail of drugs and testing to achieve a pregnancy. Logically I know that is a positive but that doesnt change the fact that we lost our baby. I am feeling hopeful that we can get pregnant again. I hope that it wont take as long. It is harder however to believe that we will get to have a baby to bring home with us. I truly believe that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. I just dont know why they were supposed to happen the way they did. I like a lot of you have feelings of jealousy towards people who are having healthy pregnancies and who have new babies. Especially when I see people who never wanted to get pregnant or werent even trying having babies. It doesnt seem fair and I have to try really hard not to show them how I feel and to act happy for them.

I really appreciate this forum. It is really helpful to read stories from other people who have gone through this same thing. It is really helpful to tell my story. Thank you to everyone here and I really am sorry for each and every one of your losses!

 

[Meli_H]

Today has been hard. I realized after I dropped my dd off at mother's day out that a week ago at the same time I was heading off to my ob appointment so I could hear my baby's heartbeat. As we know I heard nothing but bad news.

I go in tomorrow for my check up and I don't know what to expect my doctor to say other than the fact that she is going to want to take blood for a while until my hcg goes down/away and I'm sure I'll get some lecture about needing to go on birth control since I will not be "allowed" to TTC for a while.

A week ago today should have been so different. Today I am less than one week past my d&c, but my body has already started to revert back to its old self. I've lost the two baby pounds I packed on plus some (even though I have been eating quite a lot). My boobs are deflated and my stomach is back to its flatish state (no matter what I've done to work on it since having my dd it still has a bit of flab). The only physical signs left are the bruises on my arms from the crappy IV job. I look a bit like a junkie and sometimes I wish I could take something to escape from all this. I knew there would be bad days, but part of me hoped I could be stronger than this.

Jasmine: I hate to disappoint you or your dh, but I checked and the adult entertainment expo doesn't start until January 17 and the CES is over on the 11th. There used to be some overlap, but not any more. Rest assured there will still be 1000's of hookers in town for the CES convention. Remember, most of the CES attendees are tech guys who don't have wives nor the social skills to obtain a girlfriend and these nice hookers make it easy on the socially awkward. My dh and I used to like to play "guess the hooker" when we were out at night on the strip. It is pretty obvious when some old ugly dude is hanging out with a totally beautiful and very young woman. Also, they mostly all wear black dresses and hang out at the central bars of each casino. My father in law was even propositioned once. Hilarious. And to think I moved away from that place to the land of Disney. My how times have changed!

Hi vegasbaby,
How was your dr appt today? when do you find out if your hcg level has gone down more? I know what you mean about looking like a junkie LOL! It’s amazing with the experiences of all these needle picks-sometimes the pricks hurt tons, other times don’t even feel it, sometimes I have horrendous bruising, other times I can’t even tell--I guess it’s all about the individual’s technique when they are taking blood/administering IV’s. Let’s not forget the horrendous pain of ripping off the tape from the skin, and that darned adhesive that stays behind and is a b*tch to get off!!!

Sorry to hear that you were kind of in a funk yesterday-hope today is better. Just keep trying to take solace in your dd…and you ARE very strong, look at all you’ve gone through! Geesh..sometimes we are so hard on ourselves, aren’t we?

 

[StefNJunk]

Let’s not forget the horrendous pain of ripping off the tape from the skin, and that darned adhesive that stays behind and is a b*tch to get off!!!

I just have to say - for me, that's usually worse than the needle. Lol.

 

[Meli_H]

Good morning ladies.

Stef: Sorry the house wasn't perfect. You will find the right one soon enough.

Angel: I know where you are coming from. My SIL is pregnant and I am already trying to figure out how to avoid her at Christmas. She has been nothing but supportive, but I just know it is going to be tough. I think we all need to recognize that we cannot change our situation nor anyone else's, but we can change how we react to others. I read this blog by a woman who went through a miscarriage and cancer and she has this mantra about always choosing joy. It is a hard choice to make right now, but I believe if we let in joy everything around us will change for the better. Big hugs to you. If you need to talk we are all here for you or you can PM me any time.

Jasmine: You are right. The breeders are everywhere! I saw a pregnant woman crossing the street today and contemplated hitting her with my car. I was still parked at the church where I had just dropped my dd off at mother's day out and this was the kind of thought rolling around in my head. She made it safely to the other side of the street before I even put my car in drive. I hated myself for even thinking it. Who knows what else is going on in her life. My situation could be much better than hers.

So I just got back from my doctor. She freaked me out because she asked if my dh was there and when I said no she asked me to get him on the phone. I told her you can't get reception in the exam rooms so she said we could call him from her office after the exam. Well, she told me everything I already knew. Yes, it was a partial-molar pregnancy. There is a 2-5% chance I might get cancer from it. And then she told me the news I knew was coming and I didn't want to hear: She said that once my hcg levels hit negative (5 or below) then my blood will need to be monitored for six months to make sure no tissue comes back in the form of cancer. I played along, but based on my research once I reach zero then only a three month wait is really needed. I think I can wait that long. I just really need to be back to TTC before I hit my due date. For some reason I feel if I can conceive and carry to term this next baby then this was meant to be since I would have never been able to have the second baby had the first pregnancy not ended. I know that may be irrational, but that is my goal. Of course my hcg may not come down and I may have to have the chemo and all of this may be put on hold for much much longer, but I am staying positive that my numbers will fall and not return. We did not call my dh, as she said we already knew as much as she did. Ahhh, thanks google!

Vegasbaby,

Sorry that I responded to your earlier post before reading this one, where you basically answered my questions about how your dr visit went.. Best wishes and positive thoughts that your your hcg levels come back negative NOW, so that you can start the 3 month clock of waiting, and of course, getting the all clear to TTC (I know that’s what’s gonna happen-you’ll wait 3 months and your health will be perfectly fine, but we should humor your dr and wait for the 3 months).

I know she wants you to wait 6 mos, but I agree with you. If you’ve done research that says 3 mos is good, I would go for it too!! Now of course, everybody’s situation is different, but look at how many dr’s tell us we can TTC even before af arrives, and look at how many dr’s say we cannot? Just keep listening to your body-you’ll know what’s best for you.

Keep us posted on when your hcg levels come down to “5” or below so we can send positive thoughts your way for the 3 month waiting period!!

LOL your comment about the breeders! I’ve had similar thoughts myself lately!

 

[Meli_H]

Hi vegasbaby & Jasmine!

I know I said in an earlier post that I wanted to wait until January to start TTC, *but* I think I've changed my mind…now that I think AF arrived 12/1/12…..I may start using the OPK’s in the next couple of days, and if I do O, then I *think* I may start TTC this month…

I wanted to wait a full cycle because I wanted my uterine lining to replenish, but I’ve read some others say that when a d&c is done, the uterine lining is scraped clean, and since I had a natural mc, I’m thinking/hoping that my uterine lining is not so diminished and would support a pregnancy (if it happens)….

 

[Meli_H]

this was in reply to Stef, when she said:
I just have to say - for me, that's usually worse than the needle. Lol.

and I say to that--no kidding lol!

 

[vegasbaby]

Meli: Go for it. If you have already had af then hasn't your uterine lining already replenished (as a period is just the shedding of that lining). If you are ready and you feel good about it then do it. Your body will also know if it is the right time and if it is not then you just keep on trying until it happens. Of course I believe using OPKs to make sure the timing is right is a good thing to do as well. If you are going to put in the effort of putting out you might as well be sure it is the right time.

 

[angel2010]

[

Sorry what is fmu? Still learning all the lingo....

First morning urine

I hope you will be okay, it will get easier for you and good luck at the docs! Meli and Stef, you're both starting ttc in January then, that's the same as me! How about you Jessandj? When are you trying lovely and sweetmommaof2? Stef, I hope you are starting to feel a little brighter too? I kind of feel a bit redundant atm, I only work three days a week and that was okay when I was pg but now I'm not I feel guilty about it and feel guilty that my dd seems bored and is ready for school! I can't get anymore hours at work and I'm kind of scared they will strategically make me redundant now they know I want to go off on maternity!

We are also thinking about ttc again in Jan.

So I just realized if af does come around Xmas and I o when I'm supposed to (and I'm always very regular, so I SHOULD, unless it's messed up this time) and get preg, my due date will be right around, if not ON, my 30th bday. That would be crazy... last two due dates were on special occasions - first one my anniversary with OH, second one Father's Day.

If my cycles go regularly, and we get a sticky bean the first cycle, it would be due within a couple of weeks of my 28th birthday.

Angel: I know where you are coming from. My SIL is pregnant and I am already trying to figure out how to avoid her at Christmas. She has been nothing but supportive, but I just know it is going to be tough. I think we all need to recognize that we cannot change our situation nor anyone else's, but we can change how we react to others. I read this blog by a woman who went through a miscarriage and cancer and she has this mantra about always choosing joy. It is a hard choice to make right now, but I believe if we let in joy everything around us will change for the better. Big hugs to you. If you need to talk we are all here for you or you can PM me any time.

Jasmine: You are right. The breeders are everywhere! I saw a pregnant woman crossing the street today and contemplated hitting her with my car. I was still parked at the church where I had just dropped my dd off at mother's day out and this was the kind of thought rolling around in my head. She made it safely to the other side of the street before I even put my car in drive. I hated myself for even thinking it. Who knows what else is going on in her life. My situation could be much better than hers.

So I just got back from my doctor. She freaked me out because she asked if my dh was there and when I said no she asked me to get him on the phone. I told her you can't get reception in the exam rooms so she said we could call him from her office after the exam. Well, she told me everything I already knew. Yes, it was a partial-molar pregnancy. There is a 2-5% chance I might get cancer from it. And then she told me the news I knew was coming and I didn't want to hear: She said that once my hcg levels hit negative (5 or below) then my blood will need to be monitored for six months to make sure no tissue comes back in the form of cancer. I played along, but based on my research once I reach zero then only a three month wait is really needed. I think I can wait that long. I just really need to be back to TTC before I hit my due date. For some reason I feel if I can conceive and carry to term this next baby then this was meant to be since I would have never been able to have the second baby had the first pregnancy not ended. I know that may be irrational, but that is my goal. Of course my hcg may not come down and I may have to have the chemo and all of this may be put on hold for much much longer, but I am staying positive that my numbers will fall and not return. We did not call my dh, as she said we already knew as much as she did. Ahhh, thanks google!

Thanks, you are right. It is very hard though.
If I were you, and I did all my research I think I would feel okay trying after just 3 months too.

Hi vegasbaby & Jasmine!

I know I said in an earlier post that I wanted to wait until January to start TTC, *but* I think I've changed my mind…now that I think AF arrived 12/1/12…..I may start using the OPK’s in the next couple of days, and if I do O, then I *think* I may start TTC this month…

I wanted to wait a full cycle because I wanted my uterine lining to replenish, but I’ve read some others say that when a d&c is done, the uterine lining is scraped clean, and since I had a natural mc, I’m thinking/hoping that my uterine lining is not so diminished and would support a pregnancy (if it happens)….

I say go for it too. If you feel emotionally ready. Good luck!

Meli: Go for it. If you have already had af then hasn't your uterine lining already replenished (as a period is just the shedding of that lining). If you are ready and you feel good about it then do it. Your body will also know if it is the right time and if it is not then you just keep on trying until it happens. Of course I believe using OPKs to make sure the timing is right is a good thing to do as well. If you are going to put in the effort of putting out you might as well be sure it is the right time.

Pretty sure this is right.

 

[Megan1986]

I think AF has finally showed up. Still light, but looks like my body is trying to get back to normal! yay

 

[StefNJunk]

I'm questioning if I'm ever going to get a break. One of my cats, one I've had for over 10 years and adopted very shortly after moving over 1000 miles away from all my family, is missing. She's been my baby for over a decade, I'm freaking out. We thought she was just hiding yesterday, but when she wasn't in her normal spot when OH got up this morning, we searched the entire house and she was nowhere to be found. He and I both searched outside with flashlights, and I searched twice more once the sun came out.

This last week has been some sort of cruel joke

 

[Meli_H]

Hi vegasbaby & Jasmine!

I know I said in an earlier post that I wanted to wait until January to start TTC, *but* I think I've changed my mind…now that I think AF arrived 12/1/12…..I may start using the OPK’s in the next couple of days, and if I do O, then I *think* I may start TTC this month…

I wanted to wait a full cycle because I wanted my uterine lining to replenish, but I’ve read some others say that when a d&c is done, the uterine lining is scraped clean, and since I had a natural mc, I’m thinking/hoping that my uterine lining is not so diminished and would support a pregnancy (if it happens)….

vegasbaby,

U r right…I am such an idiot. I guess I just couldn’t understand how my uterine lining can be replenishing at the same time that I am bleeding from my mc. I started using OPK’s on 11/11, which was 11 days after the mc started. I used them for about a week and gave up, thinking I was just wasting them but I did use them for at least 7 days, and before the mc I used to ovulate around day 14-15 of my 27 day cycle. I am pretty sure that I didn’t ovulate last month during the mc.

Since I guesstimate today is the 6th day of af, I will start the OPK’s tomorrow..crossing my fingers I O soon..but I will TRY not to stress out about it. We'll see--hoping this month moves by quickly and I can get distracted by the holidays to take my mind off of things...

 

[Meli_H]

I think AF has finally showed up. Still light, but looks like my body is trying to get back to normal! yay

YAY!

 

[Meli_H]

I'm questioning if I'm ever going to get a break. One of my cats, one I've had for over 10 years and adopted very shortly after moving over 1000 miles away from all my family, is missing. She's been my baby for over a decade, I'm freaking out. We thought she was just hiding yesterday, but when she wasn't in her normal spot when OH got up this morning, we searched the entire house and she was nowhere to be found. He and I both searched outside with flashlights, and I searched twice more once the sun came out.

This last week has been some sort of cruel joke

Stef,
Oh no...I hope she comes strolling back ASAP!! You don't need extra stress and heartbreak, especially during this time of your life. When it rains, it pours, right?