Looking for people TTC after miscarriage

[MrsFruitie]

Aww Chicky, the memory boxes sound like a wonderful thing but sad regarding this pregnancy. It’s nice to have some memories from it to look back on though, and know that it was real and grieve. I’m sorry you are in such emotional pain, it’s heartbreaking to go through this. (Big hug)

I’m currently sat in hospital waiting for the procedure. They’ve very kindly given me a private room so my husband can stay with me, which I’m happy about as I’ve been so stressed about doing this alone.

How is everyone coping today?

Xx

 

[Chickybaby]

MrsFruitie yes I love that I have these tangible memories. I will tressure them always, I think I need to realise this will always hurt. The pain will fade and i won't think about it always but the hurt will still be there.

Coping much better today. Keeping busy, moving forward. Had some very sharp pain on my right lower abdomen. Not sure if ovulation, some EWCM but no spotting. Who knows. Will see if I get my period in a few weeks or not.

I was meant to get a final blood test last week to check my hcg had dropped to 0 but I didn't. Woops, should probably do that tomorrow I guess. Unless I just take a hpt. Did you ladies get tested to make sure you were back to 0?

MrsFruitie i hope your day go as well as it can. I am glad they have provided you with a private room to share with your husband, I am sure it is comforting having him there. Thinking of you today. Xx

 

[lesondemavie]

It’s in those quiet moments that I grieve as well Chicky . It absolutely will always hurt. It’s just a matter of getting to a place where that’s ok. I think so often we are taught that pain is bad, that we have to take it away and run from it. I disagree, but it takes time to get there. It took me months and months the first time. I’d think I was ok and then something would hit me and I’d be in tears again.

Others who had been through miscarriage but had their rainbows already would tell me that they appreciate their MC bc without it they would never have their now son or daughter. I never understood that. It made me angry. How could they be ok with never meeting their other child, sacrificing him or her for the baby they have now? At the time my little Gremlin was my only child and I loved that little babe fiercely from the second I saw those two lines. Now that I have CJ, I get it but maybe in a different way? I can’t picture my life without me daughter, she is my heart and soul, and yea I wouldn’t have exactly her if my journey wasn’t the awful mess that it was, BUT my heart still wants it all. In my dreams, I have them both in my arms and they play together and life is grand, and I picture that dream when I look at Gremlin’s keepsake book. Why not since anything is possible in your dreams?

Speaking of not feeling that same bliss and love in pregnancy after MC, even though this loss was later, even though I had weekly checks showing everything was going well, my reaction to our no hb ultrasound was of course and I don’t have that same dream for this baby. I was happy to be pg and I celebrated being pg while I could but I didn’t let myself fall in love with this baby. I try to picture the three of them together and I can’t. Guess I’m just a bit numb from it all. Maybe one day my heart will let me dream of that happy fantasy.

Fruitie - So glad you have a private room and the support you need . The nurses for my procedure were absolutely lovely. Hope you have the same experience on this difficult day

 

[lesondemavie]

Oh and I’ll have another hcg check on Thursday. They just need it under 5.

 

[MrsFruitie]

And I’m home! A traumatic and sad day. Bleeding quite a bit post surgery and sort crampy tummy. Had a reaction to the general and felt very very sick, so was an extra 2 hours in recovery. My poor husband was worried wandering the wards looking for me!!

Glad I’m out of hospital and I can rest rest rest!! Glad the worst of the physical side is over. I’m waiting for the wash of emotion to hit me when I wake up tomorrow, knowing my poor bean has left my body. Glad my husband has taken some time too to be with me and grieve together ❤️

 

[Chickybaby]

Thanks lesonde, I think we all deal with things so differently. This is such a rollercoaster. I don't no that I will ever appreciate my MC, I can understand why that comment would make you angry. I understand what they meant in theory. But i too want the dream, the easy road without pain. Our next baby will be special and worth it all once we get them, but that baby would have been too.

Desperate to be pregnant again and terrified at the same time. I'm already anxious and fear this loss will push the stress to the max next time. But I need to actually get pregnant first so no point worrying about that... One step at a time.

MrsFruitie glad you are home and recovering. Sorry you reacted to the general, talk about adding insult to injury! Hope your physical recovery happens swiftly and you are able to work through the emotional recovery as best you can. Embrace those days with your husband to talk and cry and to whatever you need to do xx

 

[lesondemavie]

Glad all worked out MrsF. May your tears and time with DH be healing

Chicky - Yea I’ll never get to love this journey. Even though I can appreciate who I am and what I have today and see that in part I am in this place bc of what I’ve been through, I’ll never look back fondly on this time or my past miscarriages. It’s awful.

I’m struggling today. Struggling with even the thought of opening myself back up to this hurt again. Trying to grant myself some kindness, let the tears flow (when I can), and realize I don’t have to make any decisions just yet.

 

[Chickybaby]

Sorry you are having a down day lesonde. Crying is such a healer, I always feel like a lot of tension has gone after a good cry. Doesn't make that decision any easier but helps to get some of the feelings out.

Yes be kind to yourself. Try not to put pressure on yourself or let anyone else actions put pressure on you. Plenty of time for decisions.

Nothing happening here. Blood test when I can get in to get it done. Then we wait... Will see how we feel once AF cokes. Might just NTNP but doubt in would be very good at that. Can't help but notice fertile signs and all that.

 

[MrsFruitie]

Hi all.
Recovering well here and the post surgery bleeding nearly stopped already. Tummy’s a bit uncomfortable from the procedure but the main pain is emotional.

One thing the doc didn’t mention was when we can have sex again? Does anyone know if this is in a week or two?

We have decided to definitely wait until 1 period until we actively try again, but I do miss being intimate with my husband. We haven’t in a few weeks prior to the op due to the heartbreaking situation.

He’s going back to work today and I think I’m going to struggle emotionally on my own for the next few days. Luckily he is popping by in his lunch break for a cuddle.

I’m also sorry you are having a low day Lesondemavie. I can understand why you would feel that way about opening up to the possibility of this hurt again. I didn’t know your heart could break this painfully over anything.

That’s how I feel today, like my heart is shattered and broken. My heart hurts.

 

[lesondemavie]

That’s exactly how I described it last time MrsF. I felt like my heart had swelled with a love I had never known before and then burst into a million pieces. Along the way I’d start picking up the pieces and then I’d hit a bump and drop them all again. It was so very hard to patch it all back together.

Eventually I had a thought that helped me break that cycle. That heart is gone, but it wasn’t my heart after all...it was a new one, one that grew just for my little babe. After that I could focus on healing the heart I still had, the one I pour into my marriage and my job and more, and I could trust that I’d eventually hopefully maybe one day grow a new heart for a new little babe that I’d get to hold in my arms....and one day I had the good fortune of learning just how infinite a mother’s love can be

Whatever your journey is from here, whatever thoughts or moments end up helping you and bringing you healing, it helps to just remember that one day somehow someway this dark cloud will lift.

 

[HappyWay]

Hello all,

I had a miscarriage on Aug 23rd, was a part of DewDrops thread till then. Was supposed to be my first child.

I have lots of support from my husband, but i still feel so alone in this pain. Got my first AF yesterday night. (So much for the dreams of being able to get pregnant without an AF following miscarriage. Crazy enough to take 20 hpts since 2 weeks expecting a second line) When i saw the AF yesterday, it felt like i shattered all over again, all the coping for the past 5 weeks is suddenly gone and i am a mess in my mind all over again.

 

[MrsFruitie]

Hello Happyway,
I’m very sorry for your loss and the heartbreak you are going through.
I know you wanted to get pregnant again without an AF, but it’s possibly for the best you have got an AF first. It means your body has healed enough to hold a baby again afterwards (my doctor said this is why they tell you to wait). If you get pregnant before an AF the uterus may not be built back up enough again to hold a baby so soon.
Fingers crossed that you conceive again this cycle. Xx

 

[HappyWay]

Thank you for the kind words, MrsFruitie.

My brain knows that and understands it's for the best but no other part of me is able to accept anything that is happening for the last 6 weeks of my life. I don't know what to do to be able to go past this. I am fine some days, but the others...

I am mentally picturing sitting beside you all and crying my heart out, no matter how many 'it's going to be fines' i got from my family, i really feel that they think that i should be over my emotional pain by now, i feel you are the only people who can understand what i am going through now. I am hoping for the phase where i could think of this without breaking down completely..

 

[Chickybaby]

Welcome happyway. This is such a lonely journey. U initially felt a lot of support from my family and husband and some friends (some more than others) but as time has gone on I feel like everyone else has moved on and I'm still sitting here missing my baby and wonder why? Or what if? I get what you ate saying about feeling everyone thinks you should be over it, I have felt the same like people think it wasn't a 'real' baby so I should pull myself together and move on.

Lean on us, get any ugly thoughts out here, ask any questions. Talking has been so healing for me and hope you find the same.

You will get to a place where you won't be breaking down as often. I think there will always be triggers which see that overwhelming grief wash over us for a while but we have to trust things will be good again someday somehow. Xx

 

[HappyWay]

You said the exact words for what i am feeling, Chickybaby.

 

[lesondemavie]

Happy: First off likes are hugs in this group . Welcome never seems to be the right thing to say in groups like this, it’s awful that any of us are here in the first place, so instead our arms are open and you are not alone. I talked about something similar my last post. My first mmc I felt like I was done, in a good place, and then a trigger would hit and it felt like I was starting all over. I think with time you come to accept that you’ll never get over this, it will always hurt, but life does go on and there can still be light and sun and happiness in your future...just maybe not now.

I hate hate hate that anyone seems to think that they can decide what a reasonable grieving period should be for anyone else. There are similarities but it also a deeply individual process. There are no rights or wrongs, no time limits, just you and your heart and each moment. BFNs and AF are already hard, when ttc they can come with their own grief, and continuing to face them after a miscarriage just sends you in this perpetual loop of grief on top of grief. Youll learn new things about yourself along the way, each time is different, but it’s always hard. I felt like I couldn’t move on while I was still trying. Hopefully you won’t have to experience that for much longer

 

[MrsFruitie]

How long did you ladies take off before you went back to work? I’m due back on Monday but I’m still breaking out into tears every hour and as I manage the office I don’t want to be sat bawling in front of my team. Plus I’m still a little sore from the procedure if I sit up for too long.

 

[lesondemavie]

I took 3 days the first time, 1 day this time (plus 1 weekend both times). The first time was really rough. I was still crying a ton and I was barely eating. I wasn’t open about my loss, but there was a flu going around, so when I came back that Wednesday still looking really awful, everyone just assumed I was recovering from the flu. I finally ate something for lunch that day and started feeling a bit better from there.

That being said, we’re all different and need to listen to our own bodies and hearts. That first time being back at work was a good distraction for me, it was a place where I could pretend like my world wasn’t falling apart. I also have a job where I’m out seeing clients the majority of the day, so I didn’t have to be at the office if I needed to cry in my car alone or avoid triggers like pregnant people complaining about the aches and pains.

Take what time you need

 

[LadyStardust4]

How long did you ladies take off before you went back to work? I’m due back on Monday but I’m still breaking out into tears every hour and as I manage the office I don’t want to be sat bawling in front of my team. Plus I’m still a little sore from the procedure if I sit up for too long.

Hi MrsFruitie

Please don't go back to work too soon. You must NOT underestimate the emotional trauma you have just experienced and you need to be kind to yourself now and allow your heart and body time to heal. Personally, I was off work for three weeks in total and my manager was really understanding which helped.

Hope you're feeling ok physically xx

 

[MrsFruitie]

Thanks all.
I’ve been signed off by my doctor for a second week. I’m not emotionally ready to return to work. I can’t manage the company when I keep bursting out in tears every half hour.
My husband asked what triggered the tears today, but nothing does, I just find myself crying.
Could it be the pregnancy hormones exiting now the fetus has been removed?