MAY we all be blessed with baby! May 2013 and beyond (BFFs Seeking BFPs)

[ProfWife]

Clandestine - sorry for misunderstanding. I was just surprised (and a bit worried for you).

It sounds like you two have come to a solid plan that seems like it works for you. I'm sure there will be a certain mourning over a part of it, if it comes to that. But to have a plan and to be okay with it, that's a good place to be in emotionally. Everyone ends this journey differently.

I do hope that your dissertation finalizes and that you're stupendous at your defense. One day I might go after an Ed.D., but that's a while in the future for me still. I have 0 desire for administration, but I do want to be able to affect policy issues. No one seems to listen to anyone without certain credentials (even if they are in the profession).

 

[Hopeful2014]

@ProfWife I understand the feeling. I go between hope and fear and sometimes tears as well. I hope it happens soon.

@nikkilucky77 I can't wait until we all join you with our BFPs.

@Lazydaisys You are a strong woman and can handle whatever comes. I REALLY hope it's a BFP. Fingers crossed for excellent lining and a BFP!

@ClandestineTX I know it's a tough decision. I hope it happens soon.

 

[newbie2013]

Hi ladies,

Clande, I love your strength and determination. Having a plan like that is a great step. You've made me realise that I too can imagine our lives without a baby even though we'd prefer one. I think you guys have a great plan and we will all support you regardless of which way it goes for you.

I admire the grit and determination of all of you. You are all amazing women. You should pat yourselves on the back, get someone close to you to give you a hug and be proud of yourselves.

As for me, I reached cd26 without af yet. I'm happy about that. Ovuline says it should come today. Hope it doesn't so I have a longer cycle!!

 

[ClandestineTX]

@ProfWife: in my field (where everyone has PhDs) - the administration is being taken over by MBAs, who may or may not actually know jack shit about what we science-y types do on the property. I have not ruled out an executive track MBA (usually a cohort program, like 2 nights a week and/or Saturday mornings) in the future - but at least 5 years from now.

@newbie: that's great news about your cycle!

AFM... I think our chances are realistic. I had CPs Femara cycle 2 and 3, and a real BFP cycle 5. Out of 5 cycles, that's not too bad. I think it's safe to say I will very likely have at least one more BFP in the next six months, it's just whether or not it will turn into an actual baby that's the question. I just need to know that I can plan my life again and not be stuck in this infinite limbo of not being able to move forward because this *might* happen. It's been two years of waiting, unable to make real plans, I need my life back.

 

[newbie2013]

Checking in on all of you!

Clande, how are you feeling now?

Hopeful, how's this cycle?

Profwife, what's your latest?

LD, are you relaxing this weekend?

Looking forward to hearing from everyone else as well. We've been a bit quiet recently.

AFM, CD28 and no af yet - yay! Long cycle. If I hold off until tomorrow, it is my longest cycle in 6 month! I'm so happy about that

 

[ClandestineTX]

YAY for a longer cycle for you, newbie!

AFM... I am definitely at peace with stepping of the STC train in the spring. No idea what my body is doing at the moment. I had a super positive OPK on 29 Sept and my boobs have been super sore since, but my temps have been all over the place crazy. So I either ovulated or my hormones are still wonky from the failed pregnancy - either way, I hope it's a sign of progress. Just waiting for an official CD 1, so I can restart all the meds.

 

[ProfWife]

Clandestine, sometimes not knowing what it is doing can be freeing...you can't control it right now anyway.

Newbie, congrats on the longer cycle! Hope is always good.

AFM, I'm on CD3 of cycle 25. Still on my meds until I hear otherwise from from my doc. So, just waiting for cd 8 to start my opks for this month.

 

[ClandestineTX]

It's not freeing in this house - it's completely maddening. We have given up on trying this time, I assume it's either past or not going to happen. Did get official confirmation from Doc that I'm OK to restart meds as soon as a CD 1 shows up. I see her this coming Friday. My dissertation is going to keep me busy enough that I'm beyond caring about STC at this point.

 

[momwithbabies]

Hey, everyone. I haven't posted in quite a while. CD 32 and waiting for AF. My husband and I had a nice evening out last night. It's always good to have a date night every now and then. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, as I'm not feeling the best today. I can't get over my cold/allergies junk I've had a while.

Clande: I wish AF would hurry up and get here for you. I keep checking here to see if it did

Hopeful, ProfWife, Newbie: Hope y'all are doing okay.

 

[Hopeful2014]

@newbie2013 I agree; grit and determination are two great words to describe everyone here. I'm beyond excited that af hasn't come yet. Yay for a longer cycle. I really want you to get your BFP! I'll detail my cycle below. Thanks for asking!

@ClandestineTX I think it's so cool that you currently are and might eventually continue seeking higher education. It's a great thing in life. I've thought about doing something else in the future.

@ProfWife I know that cycle 25 is hard to think about and that crossing into another year is tough. Try to think of it as cycle 25, but also as cycle 2-3? since your surgery. I still believe the endometriosis could have been the issue and that you have great opportunity ahead of you.

@momwithbabies I've been wondering about you. I'm glad you had a nice night out. It's so good to get out and do something fun. I treasure the afternoon walks that my husband, our pup, and I take every day. I hope you feel better soon.


AFM This cycle has been different. I've ovulated anywhere from CD 16-20 over the last 5 cycles. This cycle was on CD 14, which is closer to what was normal for me. My cm was right on target with the fertile days, which is great as that is what I'll need to pay attention to when we start trying because I won't know if it will be CD 14-18 next time. There are a few possibilities for this. 1. The walking/exercising routine was too much and made other cycles different and slowing down slightly has changed it. 2. My body is trying to get back to my old, normal routine. (So far this cycle is back to "normal" but that will be determined by my lp once this cycle is over as well.) 3. It's just random and could be like this cycle or the others in the next cycle. I do wonder when af will start and if ovulation will be at the end of October or in the beginning of November now. That might determine if we start trying in October's cycle or November.

 

[ClandestineTX]

It sounds extremely promising Hopeful! I know some ladies cycles change after pregnancy, so tracking it in advance is such a good idea!

I agree about higher education being a good thing... but I can say at this point, I am ready to just be a regular grown-up. There's something about being a student, in any capacity, at 33 that makes me feel like I'm still 15 - ready to grow up a little!

And as random as it gets random EWCM gush this morning, no idea what's up - would really settle for CD 1.

 

[Lazydaisys]

Hi everybody,

Your cycle sounds good hopeful.

I wish I was as strong and as clear minded as you clandestine. I have my work appraisal tomorrow and have to set up my project for my higher management course, but I'm torn between committing myself to work and wishing I was off or going on maternity leave. This ttc has got me limbo with everything. I can't think of one element I my life that isn't on hold. The treatment aspect ties you down I suppose, especially as I am so lucky to be funded by the nhs at the moment.

Anyway I'm feeling positive, trying not to stress about work, eating healthy and I've started my eastrogen to thicken my lining up. I'm on day 6 and going for scan day 13.

Hope everybody is ok? Xx

 

[ProfWife]

@Hopeful - I try to look at it that way, but my heart can't get over the hurdle that it's been 2 years. Mentally I know it's as if we restarted, but I can't negate all the tears from all those previous cycles. I keep praying the doctor is right and that we'll be pregnant before the end of the year. Hard to really hang my heart on that either though.

In other news, my test results are in. My DHEA-S level has dropped from 224 to 145. Doc wants me to stay on the meds as they are clearly doing their job. So, until we get a +, I'm on these little pills. At least I know it's not all in my head that I'm feeling better. My levels really are adjusting to it.

Found out my other best friend is pregnant - 26 weeks...I missed her announcement as it was when I was recovering from surgery. Immediately after that, both of my VERY pregnant co workers came in. Pregnant women and babies everywhere but here. Oy...I need a nap.

 

[kksy9b]

I wanted to share this story I heard about the other day. I'm sure many of you have heard about it but just in case.A couple in Utah struggled for 8 years with infertility due to endo. After going through IVF treatment, they are now expecting quads! 2 sets of identical girls. I cannot imagine the struggle that many of you are enduring. But there is always HOPE and I love how their story highlight this. I am still praying for each of you that your forever babies are in your arms soon!

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/expec...illion-quadruplet-pregnancy/story?id=25952739

FB page- https://www.facebook.com/gardnerquads

 

[Hopeful2014]

@ClandestineTX I started tracking it again as soon as my first af. I can't imagine not tracking it now. Have you factored in the time it will take to get back to your next cycle as part of the six months? I really hope your CD 1 rolls around very soon. It sucks to not know what's going on. I totally understand being ready to finish your degree. I've thought about doing something else and I ultimately will, but it's hard to think about going back to research, writing, and all the work that goes into it all. What's the first thing you'll do once you complete everything?

@Lazydaisys Good luck at your work appraisal! I hope it goes well. My advice would be to commit to whatever you think you can handle/would want to do and remember you can make changes once you need to (assuming they would let you). I imagine that the treatment does put certain limits on you. I think it'll be worth it! I'm wishing for good news for you on your scan.

@ProfWife I hate that it's been so long and I hope that you have your BFP by the end of the year. I'm glad your test results are positive and that the meds are working! That's wonderful news. I REALLY hope the next pregnancy announcement I hear comes from our group.

@kksy9b I saw the photo and headline on yahoo news the other day. I imagine that's quite a surprise.

 

[pathos]

To be honest, i don't like children. i cannot hold babies- Oh I sound like queen Victoria - But I am not sure, maybe i developed those thoughts a as a defense mechanism. It was nearly impossible for me to conceive even with medical aid. (vaginismus)

It is very difficult to decide but i think i made myself a bubble to cover for my own insecurities regarding becoming parents, and now i find it very difficult to pop the bubble. I feel imprisoned. This forum, especially this thread has been the only outlet where i expressed issues regarding ttc - but i do not know or remember how dominant was the issue for me.

I am very emotional nowadays , Clandi's text made me think. I am glad and thankful that i have this little guy kicking me, and I am sure one day I will say I cannot image a life without him. But actually I never felt incomplete or have i? I have to admit that I have a very domestic side in me, and I should not be ashamed of it. This tough no baby outward appearance still crushes and subordinates this maternal pathos in me. I hope for this immaculate bonding moment - which i am also skeptical of

It took us 18 months to conceive , and I was here with you by the most of it. I thank each and everyone of you, and hope you all get the best resolutions in this journey. But sometimes resolutions necessitate new resolutions.

 

[ClandestineTX]

@Lazydaisys: I'm glad to hear you are feeling positive! And the limbo you describe, I think we all feel that. I've just been at this for 2 years now and I need my life back from it.

@ProfWife: Your results sound promising! I hope you got your nap in. I avoid pregnancy and pregnant people right now.

@Hopeful2014: I know what you mean about tracking because you've been doing it so long! I hope it helps get you right back on track ASAP. I have not (and do not care to) factor in the time it takes for a new cycle to start. I will be 34 next year and there is an impending retirement in Dec 2015 that will open up a job I would really like to be eligible to start in mid-Jan 2016. The cut off date for us is Apr 8th, specifically, because it's the last possible conception date with an EDD of Dec 31. I am sure I could work out a delayed start of said job, if we had to push the back of that time frame, but by 2016, I need to be making a push for a tenure track job if I don't have kids. I'm a fantastic strategist. I can definitely do lower-level work for a year or two to take care of a baby and not hurt myself for tenure track jobs after that, but if I am not having kids, shooting for a low bar is like career suicide. As far as when I complete everything (which is right before Thanksgiving, as there are edits and things after the defense is over). I will probably iron out plan A (with baby) and plan B (without). I'm not in a hurry, the upside to all the losses in my family - I'm not easily bothered anymore. Not interested in being pushed to make decisions before I'm ready to make them and am OK just thinking about getting my house in order.

@pathos: before I started TTC, my friend's mom (a labor and delivery nurse with 20+ years of experience) assured me, people who don't get all gooey over babies are a minor (but totally normal) subset of people who go on to make awesome parents. Not everyone attaches straightaway, some people have to get to know their baby before they really attach to that. There is no right or wrong way to start your life with your child. I have some amount of maternal something - it comes out with my students, and my friends (who have always come to me for advice, even though I'm younger than most of them). I like taking care of people in my life - but I just don't feel like I need to do that through a child in my house. I applaud people who adopt, but as I have serious concerns (like yours) about attaching to my own offspring, I just can't see myself being up for having my private life evaluated only to have a stranger's kid in my life that I then have to try to bond with! It's just too much for me.

 

[Hopeful2014]

@pathos It's natural for some women to become emotional or worried during pregnancy. Don't fear delivery too much. I know that might be hard to think about especially with the vaginismus and because it's something you've never done. Your body will be capable of more than you know. I'm sure you will have an amazing moment of bonding that will continue throughout your lifetime.

@ClandestineTX I appreciate your plan and reasoning. It sounds like you are working toward a future where you know you'll be happy. Don't you wish you could somehow get a glimpse of the future and know how everything turns out? I always said that when ttc and that it would have been easier to know that it would eventually happen. Now I wish I would just know that it will happen and everything will work out. I'm so sorry for all of the losses you've had. Loss really does make one reassess life and decisions. You can see everything differently.

 

[ClandestineTX]

@Hopeful: I agree a crystal ball would make TTC easier, but in general I would prefer not to know the specifics of how life turns out. What would be the point of living it if we knew? It's like reading a book when you already know how it ends, makes reading it a lot less interesting. I do know that I will be OK, quite well actually - eventually. Enjoying my life and having people and things in it I value are huge priorities for me, so I am confident that no matter the outcome of the fertility mess - I will be OK.

My stepsiblings are all much older than me (10-20 years, actually). I didn't grow up close to any of them. I got to visit with one earlier this year and his wife. They gave up TTC after two failed IVF cycles (no clue exactly how many years). They are now in their early 50s and they have lives that they love. You can tell that TTC took a toll on them, but it hasn't stopped them from working for an amazing life for themselves. Their experience taught me that I am bigger than this, this will not define me - even if it shapes the way I see certain things. But I know I will be OK

 

[Hopeful2014]

@ClandestineTX I wish I could use the crystal ball just to see how everything goes next time. It would help in some ways. I definitely don't want to see far into the future. One of the things I learned after my experience is that I want to live. Yes, I would have sacrificed myself instead of her if I could have done it. However, I decided if I wasn't able to try again that we could try another option and that my husband and I would be good as long as we are together. One change I made is doing things that I want to do, not doing things that I don't want to do, and living every day fully.

I would pass that advice on to any of you. Live each day. Decide what's best for you. Do things that make you happy. Spare yourself unnecessary grief. Don't get involved with people who are negative forces. Care about the people who matter to you and the ones who love you. Don't put off life too much while waiting for things to work out. Take a little time every day to do something that makes you happy, relax, and feel better. You are special women. Love yourselves.