MAY we all be blessed with baby! May 2013 and beyond (BFFs Seeking BFPs)

[ClandestineTX]

@Clandestine - Does that mean you guys would go back to actively preventing or just that you would not be seeking any treatments, timing, etc? Just wondering as I've heard a lot of people say they were going to stop TTC/STC and I've just been curious what that means to different people.

If I am not on meds that qualifies as actively preventing in this house, because I have 40-60+ day cycles with poor ovulation without medication. We are going to stop everything and just go on with life. I suppose, in theory, there would still be a remote chance - but probably not likely. No temping, charting, medication, supplements, etc. and if I ended up with a fluke pregnancy down the road, we would still appreciate it, but it is honestly extremely unlikely that it would happen. I would stop making decisions (or postpone making decisions) about my professional life or be hesitant to make travel plans more than 6 months in advance - and that's really what I want back.

 

[ProfWife]

Gotcha. I'm starting to see that this is what most mean - not preventing but doing absolutely nothing else to encourage it.

Totally understand.

You have so many options in front of you...practically endless with this degree done now.

 

[ALiKO]

oh mashallah pathos! congratulations on your baby boy

 

[ClandestineTX]

My biggest limitation right now is "what if I'm pregnant during ___ time?" or "what if we have a new born during _____?" There's large, international - amazing scientific and humanitarian project I've been asked to help out with this coming summer. And it would be a little harder to accomplish if pregnant (like wearing a respirator in the lab, etc), but not impossible. But I'm still nervous about committing to things like that, because what if I get put on bedrest or something else. It stresses me out a lot to only be able to plan a few months at a time.

 

[ALiKO]

Clandestine- i say go for it and live life to its fullest. if you end up getting pregnant during the time of a certain commitment you will cross that bridge when you get there. life happens . and i am sure people will be understanding and you will make the right decisions . no worries .

 

[ProfWife]

As my husband likes to tell me when I get ahead of myself and picture the what ifs, rare things happen rarely. Most women get pregnant, go to term, give birth and have 0 complications. Some women are out training for and running marathons while pregnant.

I say go for it. If you get the opportunity to do something you've always wanted to, go for it. I'm trying to start living my life that way. I have to. Infertility doesn't define me. My pregnancy or lack thereof (in my case) cannot control what I choose to do. If it means hubs takes a position they're offering for a few months in the Netherlands, etc. - I'm going. If it means I get pregnant or even give birth somewhere other than home - it does.

 

[ClandestineTX]

@ALiKO/ ProfWife: it isn't that simple in my line of work. There are duties I would not be able to perform if I was pregnant. Certain chemicals we work with are known reproductive hazards, international travel that's booked nearly a year out, etc. Being a woman in science is very different than most fields, there's never an acceptable time to be pregnant and if I wasn't able to meet my commitments, I would be replaced out of necessity. And then there's whether or not to push for a tenure-track job or change jobs, requiring relocation. It would be wrong to make a commitment that I can't see through, and I wouldn't put myself or the people who have supported my career for almost a decade in a tight spot like that.

 

[melann13]

@Clandestine,
I had a conversation this week with two male grad students in our lab about being a woman, particularly one of child-bearing age/inclination, in science. I am maybe in a less pressure-filled arena of science, but I do know what it's like to question what experimental design would be possible if pregnant, even if it's not the experiment you wish you were running, or maybe not the one that best addresses your hypothesis. Fortunately I have an amazing lab manager who was willing to do any of the components of my projects that I couldn't do. I did wear a respirator for 90% of the day for a couple months, but I know that that's not always good enough (in the case of PFA for example).
It's hard enough to be a woman in science period- not being taken seriously, being told that wearing makeup or dressing well/having nails done- implies that you're not serious about your work and that if you are pregnant- you're not only less-productive, but an obstacle to progress... it's unfortunate. I have an extremely supportive lab and consider my time pregnant in the lab as incredibly productive. However, looking into job opportunities now I am having to think years in advance. If I do a post doc- I wouldn't have a baby during that time because you don't get any leave (not that I technically did this time either as a grad student- but there's more flexibility), and it's a short-term contract. So that pushes baby #2 off a few years. If I go straight to faculty it would be easier to do it in a couple years... but I haven't had luck getting a faculty job yet...
Not complaining- I've chosen this path, just trying to say Clande, I do understand thinking about your life in increments. Academia is not always kind...

 

[ClandestineTX]

Thanks, melann! That is it exactly! I work with women who had babies as graduate students in my department and they got questions like "was it on purpose?" and comments such as "you'd think a biologist would know how to prevent a pregnancy" There is one lab I would have to wear a respirator all the time, there is another experiment that would require it only at certain times and there are other chemicals I shouldn't be in a room with at all while pregnant. My biggest thing is that my facility isn't just research, we do big real work, and I really want to have a bigger role in it - but cannot make commitments that I wouldn't be able to see through, so I am basically planning my life in little spurts, not asking for more than I know I could manage. But I've also been STC for over two years, even with the meds, I've had exactly one legit BFP that turned into one early MC to show for it. I think hopping off this ride in April makes sense for me, if we aren't successful by then, but I also feel for me that not making promises I don't intend to keep is the right choice.

 

[ClandestineTX]

PS. I also came into this eyes wide open. This is the choice I made and I love what I do and who I do it with. It just makes family planning a LOT more complicated.

 

[momwithbabies]

I've enjoyed reading your conversation because I had no clue what women in your field go through! I wish men and judgmental people had a clue! It's not fair!!!

Speaking of men, my husband and I are not on the best terms after I finally brought up our problem last night. For those of you who don't remember, my husband is a workaholic and rarely wants to have sex. I probably went about it the wrong way, but I said everything I wanted to say...you work all of the time/when you are at home, you are checking email or playing a game/you give 100% at work, but your family never sees you/when I want to have sex, you blame me for wanting a baby/your once a month of wanting sex is tough on me/all we talk is "hi" and "bye"/I feel like we are growing apart.

I know I was harsh, but I'm done. And what really pisses me off is that after I told him, he went straight to sleep. He didn't say anything. He literally went to sleep, while I cried myself to sleep. I'm livid!!! I don't know what the next step is, since he didn't say anything or even call me a bitch! WTH? I would have least liked to have a fight, lol! I'm worried ladies. I love my husband too much, so it hurts that it seems like he doesn't care.

 

[ClandestineTX]

@momwithbabies: I don't know you or him well enough to say what's right for you. If it were me (and Hubster and our relationship), I would directly ask him what's up. Hubster has a weird way of dealing with stress or things that are bothering him and even though I feel like his therapist sometimes, I usually have to be blatantly honest. I use phrases like: "When you do this, I feel like this" - "Why are you so disconnected?" - "Your behavior is sending this signal" - "How am I supposed to interpret this behavior" - thankfully, it's almost always nothing to do with me, or us, or our plans in life. It's almost always something work-related that comes home with him like a matched luggage set containing emotional baggage. It sucks though, I hope you are able to work out whatever is going on with him soon, I don't think anything feels worse than being disconnected from a partner.

 

[lesh07]

Hi ladies. I know its been a LONG time but I am really struggling. After my loss in dec 13' we still haven't conceived again. It's a total of 20 months now.

 

[momwithbabies]

Thank you, Clandestine. I don't know when I will talk to him again. I need some time.

 

[momwithbabies]

Lesh: Welcome back. I wish it was on better terms.

 

[melann13]

So sorry to hear that lesh... Prayers for you.

 

[ClandestineTX]

Ironically, I had to take my own advice yesterday with Hubster. He was attending a graduation ceremony for his final masters degree and seemed OK in the morning, but took a steep fall down the hole of emotional misery. Both of his parents passed in 2013 and two of the three people that were supposed to come out for his graduation didn't, so he was directing a lot of his hurt feelings in my direction. I told him that I don't know what was wrong with him, but I know I didn't do anything, but was happy to listen to anything he needed to get out. We talked for a few hours and ended up having a good day. Men, gotta love 'em!

 

[newbie2013]

Just checking in, ladies. I got confirmation from the doc today that there's basically no way I'll get pregnant on my own My only options now are IUI or IVF. He's happy to start with IUI because he says my ovaries and uterus look "lovely" (mind you, he also told me to lie back and relax as he was about to do my pap smear! Funny guy). His concerns are my cervix and the ends of my Fallopian tubes. Still talking to DH and finding out from my insurance what's covered.

thinking about you all! Countdown until christmas break!!

 

[ProfWife]

I would be curious as to the IUI if he's concerned about your tubes. Did he think it would give enough of an edge to beat out whatever he's concerned about?

We are in a similar position. Medication is the next step..but we will see if it's medication alone or with an iui in a few weeks. With my endo, I'm not sure if an iui would even be helpful...

 

[ClandestineTX]

@newbie: I hope the change in strategy is exactly what you need!

@ProfWife: I only know one other lady on BnB with an endometriosis diagnosis. She did meds and IUI after her lap and got BFP'd up on the first try, had her baby over the summer. Her doctor pushed the meds to encourage a fast BFP, before the endometriosis built up again and it worked. I hope it does for you, too!

AFM... waiting for ovulation, which is like watching paint dry only less exciting.